Thursday, September 30, 2010

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Ten: The fabric of our lives!

What an emotionally draining episode! I was practically in tears over all the awful outfits this week! OK, obviously I'm talking about the emotional revelation: Uncle Sol learns through his new Facebook account that he's been HIV positive for thirty years and didn't know it. Oh, wait, that's Brothers and Sisters. No, Mondo tells everyone he's been HIV positive for ten years and has been keeping it a secret. I'm glad he got that off his chest. Gretchen, of course, acts like she's responsible for this cathartic moment:

Gretchen: "I'm so glad I could be a part of getting you to open up like this!"

God love her, I know she means well, but it really is hilarious how she manages to make everything about her.

So, yeah, we get the dramatic revelation we were promised, but we have to wait until next week to get the allegations of cheating. For some reason Ivy is going to be majorly involved in the cheating scandal, which is surprising because SHE ISN'T EVEN THERE! What the hell?!

Anyway, we start the episode with Valerie telling us, again, that she should have been out instead of Ivy, and us, again, completely agreeing with her. She's especially upset because they were best friends:

Valerie: "Every week our LatAsian fusion was getting stronger."

The designers are given HP computers with childhood photos that they will use for inspiration for the dreaded textile challenge:

Tim: "Last season Eric3000 rightly pointed out that we weren't actually designing textiles. So this time I'm going to explain the challenge more accurately: you will be creating designs that will be printed on fabric."

Yay! A totally imaginary shout-out from Tim! I live for those!

The designers look at their baby pictures:

Michael: "This is a picture taken the day my mother got upset about me wearing a skirt and made me walk around in my underwear."

Well, thank god she made him take off that skirt or he might have turned into a homosexual! Tragedy averted!

Since Christopher apparently has no family, he just does an impromptu pitch for HP:

Christopher: "My life will never be the same after using this amazing product."

Once more, with feeling!

Tim introduces the special guests:

Tim: "Please be nice to them. I know you probably hate them because they screamed at you for wearing a skirt or they got divorced or did something else to ruin your lives. But please, try to behave yourselves."

The designer's mothers enter the design room. But they don't all enter the room at once, because that would create less drama. First, Gretchen has to be tortured by the idea that her mother was too poor to get a free trip to New York. I felt bad for her. Fortunately, her mother shows up with the second group. Christopher's mother doesn't show up at all and I really want to know why. Instead, his partner visits:

Christopher: "Seeing my partner is like rocket fuel! I am totally energized to make the most boring clothes ever!"

And speaking of the most boring clothes ever, it's time for the runway!

Heidi comes out wearing a dress made of fabric she designed herself using HP technology. Actually, I don't know that for certain, but it's the only way I can explain that getup.

The runway show this week is hard for me to talk about. I have nightmares about it. It was a crime against humanity. One disaster after another. I'm just sick about it.

There was one exception, of course. Mondo's look wasn't just the best one this week or the only look that wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty great. That ridiculously high-waisted pant would not look good on many women (the slightest bump would instantly turn it into maternity wear), but the look was dramatic and fun and there was no competition for the win this week. Congratulations, Mondo!

In my opinion, anyone else could have gone home.

Michael's was fairly inoffensive, but, like all his designs, it was dated.

Gretchen's was boring and I didn't like the fabric, though the judges tried hard to like it.

April's looked like a skating costume for Johnny Weir. I'm sorry her parents got divorced, but I shouldn't have to suffer for it.

Andy was deeply affected by his mother's visit. He obviously needs to limit contact with his mother if he wants to be a designer. His print was nice but I don't understand why his fabric seemed to be different. It seemed to be much softer and silkier and more transparent than the other stiff cottons. And it had nothing to do with the design, because I noticed the difference when they first got the fabric. Did anyone else notice that?

I feel like I'm forgetting someone:

Heidi: "Can you remember anything Christopher has made this season?"

Nina: "I don't even remember Christopher. I thought a male model accidentally wondered into the room."

Oh, yeah. That was almost unforgettably unmemorable.

Christopher: "There's a huge market for boring clothes!"

Nina: "Yeah, but Michael Kors already has that market cornered."

Michael Kors: "Ha ha! Wait ... what?"

Anyway, Valerie is out. Probably wouldn't have been my choice, but, like I said, the bottom five were so boring I didn't really care which one of them left.

Valerie's was a mess:

George Costanza: "The party-supply store called. They want their napkins back."

Yeah, the judges complained about it looking like her napkin dress, but that really wasn't the problem. The problem is that the dress was awful. It was poorly-fitted and the fabric looked stapled together. The neon blue stripes on a black background reminded me of all the terrible prints created in last season's HP challenge. Sorry, Valerie! We'll miss you!

Valerie gives a stirring, never-ending speech, in a valiant attempt to avoid going home:

Valerie: "Christopher, you are the kindest, blandest, handsomest person I know. Your sense of integrity is really inspiring, unless you are accused of cheating next week, in which case you repulse me. Michael, you are not nearly as awful as I thought you were. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Gretchen, you never fail to surprise me with your amazing talent for insinuating yourself into everyone's business. I'm sure you will manage to take my loss and make it all about you and I love you for that. Mondo, you are my favorite gay elf on the entire planet. You should be living in a tree and making cookies. That's how much I adore you. And lastly, April. Anyway, what was I talking about before I started this speech?"

Tim: "Valerie, I'm afraid I have to ..."

Valerie: "Oh, and Tim, how could I forget you?! Let me tell you what you mean to me."

Tim: "but ..."

Valerie: "No, don't speak! Your advice has been so important to me these past few weeks. You are like my father, except that he builds houses for me, which kind of makes your advice about fabric seem trivial. And this cameraman has been like a long-lost brother to me. I don't know his name, but I really don't know what I would have done without him. And the people who bring us food! I literally would have starved to death without them! And there's that guy who stands in the back of the studio. I've often wondered what the hell his job is, but I know I'll miss him dearly and ..."

Tune in next week, when Valerie will still be saying goodbye.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Nine: Support Gunn's Rights!

A message from the future President of the United States:

Sarah Palin: "Dear fellow citizens (and possibly future former-citizens, if we manage to repeal the 14th amendment), I stand before you today to talk about an issue that is very dear to my heart. I just love this great country too much to stay silent. I'm talking about the censorship of Tim Gunn. That's right, the liberal media elites are trying to take away Tim Gunn's First Amendment rights to complain about the Project Runway producers. I haven't actually read the Constitution 'cause it's kinda boring, but I'm pretty sure there's somethin' about free speech in there. Trying to make Tim Gunn shut up is non-American and non-fair and we can't allow it to continue! If we don't take back our country now, before you know it there will be a mosque on every corner, all our children will be gay-married, and freedom-loving patriots will lose their God-given right to be denied health-care coverage! That's why I'm organizing an event to demand free speech for Tim Gunn! Join me in Washington on October 30th for the Gunn's Rights Rally!"

Oh, I am so there! She is such an inspiration!

Sarah Palin: "Tim Gunn=even more powerful & effective w/out the shackles, so watch out Constitutional obstructionists. And b thankful 4 his voice, America!"

Please stop tweeting.

Sarah Palin: "Um ... tax cuts?"

Go away now.

Heidi introduces the challenge:

Heidi: "I'm going to send you off to meet Tim, who will tell you about this exciting challenge. I won't ruin the surprise, but the winner will get a lot of money!"

Someone's been watching Top Chef. Anyway, Tim tells the designers the challenge:

Tim: "I have an exciting announcement! The winner of this challenge will get a lot of money!"

Designers: "Yeah, we know. Heidi already told us."

Tim: "I can't believe that bitch did that. Well, let me tell you how much it is: twenty thousand dollars!"

April: "What?! Do you have any idea how much a pony costs?!"

The designers compete for the saddest financial story:

Ivy: "I've sacrificed everything to be here."

Andy: "I've been living out of my car."

Mondo: "I've been surviving by eating used chewing gum."

Michael C.: "I'm mysteriously rich!"

So, the challenge is to create a high fashion look for a L'Oreal bullshitorial. They'll have $300 and two days (wink wink).

The looks will be inspired by the words "metallic," "crystal," "matte," "velvet," and "bright."

Tim: "Whatever you do, don't pick velvet!"

Gretchen: "Ooh, I'll pick velvet!"

The designers go to Mood, where Michael infringes on Gretchen's copyright:

Gretchen: "I am the only one allowed to use dark, depressing colors. How dare he!"

Meanwhile, there is a lot of drama going on in the alternate reality of the "coming up" segments:

Tim: "Valerie, you can't just forfeit!"

Valerie: "You can't stop me!"

Valerie runs to the bathroom and Ivy and Gretchen follow her (April couldn't care less). They huddle around a First Response pregnancy test:

Valerie: "I can't believe it! How is this possible?! There isn't a straight man for blocks!"

Heidi: "Yeah, it happens."

Oh, I didn't even notice Heidi in the bathroom. Anyway, Tim enters the design room to make a shocking announcement:

Tim: "I don't know how to tell you this, but Valerie is leaving the competition because she has decided to keep the baby and the doctors have advised her to avoid color-blocking during the first trimester."

Designers: "You can tell how shocked we are by the shocked expressions on our faces!"

So, of course none of that happened. But it made for an interesting commercial break. This is what really happened:

Tim: "Valerie, you can't just forfeit!"

Valerie: "I wasn't planning to."

Valerie cries in the bathroom:

Valerie: "I wasted a whole day on an ugly dress!"

Ivy: "What else is new?"

Tim enters the design room to make an announcement:

Tim: "I have a shocking announcement to make that has absolutely nothing to do with Valerie. You have to make a second ready-to-wear look to complement your high-fashion look. you have $100 and zero days to make it."

Designers: "You can tell how shocked we are by the shocked expressions on our faces!"

On to the runway, with guest judge Naeem Khan:

April and Christopher created looks that were boring enough to be safe this week.

The top three are Mondo, Andy, and ... really? ... Gretchen.

Gretchen created what every woman wants: a flapper-style muumuu. Even without the ridiculous styling, it was too much of a costume. Fortunately, she doesn't win.

Mondo and Andy deserve to be the top two:

Andy created the first "wow" moment on the runway this season. It was so striking I was sure he would win. I appreciated that he didn't interpret "high fashion" as "over-the-top ball gown," as many of the other designers did. I can see how the helmet could complicate a make-up advertisement, though.

Mondo was one of the designers who made an over-the-top ball gown. It was colorful and fun, but the front of the dress really looked bad, which was one reason I thought Andy had this one. But I guess the judges decided the dress could just be shot from the back, which it was. Mondo's ready-to-wear dress was one of the prettiest things he's done. Simple but perfect. Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo!

Mondo: "Now I can afford to move out of that shared cardboard box and get my very own cardboard box to live in!"

The bottom three are Valerie, Ivy, and ... really? ... Michael:

Michael, just like Gretchen, does not deserve to be there, but the judges needed a third designer so there he is. Yes, his over-the-top ball gown was pretty ridiculous and the proportions on his ready-to-wear dress were problematic, but when you put them next to Valerie's and Ivy's entries there's no contest. Michael is safe.

Both of Valerie's looks were complete disasters. Concept, fabrication, design, construction, styling, cohesion of the two looks -- everything was bad. I don't know what saved her.

When I first saw Ivy's looks on the runway, I thought she should be out. Both looks were a complete mess. But Valerie's were still worse.

Valerie: "I should have been out."

I'm with you on that.

So Ivy is out. Sorry, Ivy!

Sarah Palin: "What's the difference between Ivy and a pitbull?"


Sarah Palin: "Lipstick!"

yeah, we know that one.

Sarah Palin: "The funny part is that it's the pitbull that's wearing the lipstick!"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Project Runway, Season Eight, Episode Eight: Tim is so honored to be in this title!

Tim: "I am so honored!"

By what?

Tim: "Oh, just in general."

alright. So we start the episode with the girls putting on their makeup. Then we go to the other apartment and watch the women put on their makeup. Michael C. makes a clever remark:

Michael C.: "If opaque were a color, it would be named Ivy."

Well, if obtuse were a color, Michael C. would be a triangle with one angle greater than 90 degrees.

Michael C.: "That doesn't make sense."

That's what she said.

Heidi gives the designers a hint about the challenge:

Heidi: "You will need to look to the past in order to secure the future. In other words, you will need to travel in time in order to stop the rebellion of the machines that are trying to wipe out the human race."

With one day and a hundred dollar budget? That's crazy! Sometimes I wish the producers would give the designers just a little more time to save humanity.

Gretchen: "I'm totally up for some robot-killing action. Just don't ask me to make a corset."

The designers meet Tim in the "Capsule Studio," which I assume is some sort of time-travel device:

Tim: "I am just so, so honored to be standing in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy."

Why are you honored by that?

Tim: "Not just anyone can stand in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy."

I'm pretty sure anyone could do that.

Tim: "Well, I don't see you standing in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy!"

He's got me there. I have to make a humiliating confession: I have never had the great honor of standing in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy. But I'm hopeful that someday I can make that happen. I can dream, can't I?

Anyway, Tim explains the challenge:

Tim: "The challenge is to create your own personal contribution to classic American sportswear. It should be completely new and personal but completely classic and recognizable. You should use Jacqueline Kennedy as an inspiration, which means you should create something that would be worn by someone today who shares her spirit. But you should also make sure it would be something she would personally wear. Keep in mind that she has been dead for a number of years, so she would probably prefer something comfortable and understated."

I don't understand this challenge. Are they supposed to make something Jackie would actually wear? Or are they supposed to make something that would be worn by a modern-day Jackie? And why are they calling her Kennedy instead of Onassis? Are they implying the major influence should be her time as First Lady? It's always difficult to judge the results when the instructions are so confusing.

Andy tries to help clear things up:

Andy: "Jackie was a risk-taker. She was the Lady Gaga of her time. She would totally wear a dress made out of meat."

No. You're confusing "risk-taker" with "trend-setter." They are not the same.

We learn that Michael D. is hilarious:

Michael D.: "I'm designing truly classic American sportswear. I'm designing for the Pilgrims."

Valerie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my god, stop! You're killing me!"

Seriously, did I miss something? Is he funnier in person? Is Valerie flirting with him?

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "I am so incredibly honored to tell you that you have another day to make a corresponding outerwear piece and protect John Connor from the terminator."

Valerie wonders what to do about the fact that her outfit already has a jacket:

Tim: "Frankly, I'm shocked that you made a jacket. Jacqueline Kennedy would never wear a jacket. Sportswear collections don't include jackets. What were you thinking?"

I really don't understand Tim's reaction to Valerie's jacket. I thought sportswear was a pretty broad category of casual day-wear that can include jackets.

Anyway, the designers make their outerwear and Tim makes his final announcement before the runway:

Tim: "I am just so honored to be standing here in front of the Piperlime accessory wall."

Oh, cut that out! On to the runway, with guest judge January Jones:

Heidi: "Who cares that she doesn't have anything interesting to say? Just look at her!"

she's pretty

Heidi: "That's what I'm talkin' about!"

Gretchen, April, and Michael C. are safe. Now, many of the designers missed the mark on this challenge, but there is nowhere on earth Michael's blue cocktail dress would be classified as sportswear. I guess his coat saved him. Anyway, the three of them are discussing why they are safe and Michael tries to be clever again:

Michael C.: "Gretchen, I know Jacqueline Kennedy would want to own all the clothes you make (psst. I'm totally being sarcastic, ha ha!)"

Oh, Michael, that would be so hilarious if Gretchen actually gave a shit about what you think.

The top three are Christopher, Ivy, and Mondo.

Christopher, like Michael C., made a cocktail dress. However, an over-dressed woman could conceivably wear it shopping or to lunch without looking as though she hadn't changed from the previous evening. Without the dead animal around her neck, of course.

I thought Ivy would win. Her look was very classic and elegant and sophisticated and Jackie. However, it wasn't very young or innovative, so maybe that's why the judges went with Mondo.

To me, Mondo's look was slightly too retro for a modern-day Jackie. But I loved it and I'm happy he won. Congratulations, Mondo!

Valerie, Michael D., and Andy are the bottom three. Heidi is totally freaking out about Valerie's look:

Heidi: "Is that ... oh, my god ... a jacket over a JACKET!!?? I think I'm gonna barf!"

It's actually a vest over a fitted jacket and I really don't see what the big deal is. Look, I completely agree that it's kind of a boring look, but it's just not that bad.

Andy's is bad. Jackie would not be caught dead in his outfit. Literally. Even Jackie's reanimated corpse would have enough sense not to wear that. But, obviously he was going for a modern-day Jackie. Still wrong. A modern-day Jackie would still be elegant and sophisticated. On top of that, it was not well made. Don't get me wrong: I sort of like the idea of the outfit. But it wasn't right for this challenge.

Michael D.'s look, however, was hopeless:

January Jones: "I didn't hate the belt."

Yeah, that's how bad it was. There is nothing else to say about it. He's out. Sorry, Michael D., we'll miss you!

Tim: "I am just so honored to be standing here telling Michael D. to go clean up his space. Michael, I guess this was your Waterloo."

Michael D.: "I'll have to look that word up in the dictionary."

Well, here you go:

wa·ter·loo (w-tər-ˈ)
n. pl. wa·ter·loos
1. Only the best ABBA song ever
2. Any homosexual who doesn't know that should have his license revoked

Monday, September 06, 2010

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Seven: Taste takes a holiday!

My goodness, there was a lot of controversy last week! Well, you come here to my blog for the facts and that's what I'm going to give you. No embellishment or opinion here. No siree. Just pure, unadulterated information. This is the Fox News of Project Runway blogs. Fair and balanced. Absolute, unvarnished truth.

So what happened last week? Ivy says Michael C. was telling people at the showcase not to vote for her. But we don't have any witnesses who have come forward to support her claim. Does that mean she's lying?

Ivy: "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."

That's true, but ...

Ivy: "There are known knowns and unknown knowns. And then there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns. So just keep that in mind before you judge me."

OH, MY GOD! Ivy's interrogation techniques have worn me down! I admit it! I started the rumor! I told Ivy I heard Michael telling everyone not to vote for her.

Ivy: "First you give me food poisoning and now this?!"

I know! I have a problem! I can't help myself! I might as well just tell you all right now that I also stole Ed's pea puree and blamed it on Alex. I don't know why I do these things. It's probably the drugs. I'm always trying to get my next Lunesta fix. Do you have any idea what good pea puree is selling for on the black market? Well, don't try to find out. I don't want to drag anyone else into my life of crime.

Wow, I feel better now. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now we can put this whole ugly incident behind us and move on to the next ugly incident. Which brings us to this week's episode:

Ivy is losing it:

Ivy: "I just need to let everyone know that Korean women are completely crazy. You do not want to make us angry. My mother makes Kim Jong Il look like a Girl Scout. Once, when I was in seventh grade, I refused to do my homework and she blew up my bike. And when a schoolmate teased me once, my mom took him hostage until Al Gore negotiated his release. I'm serious! I am off my meds!"

OK, I don't think Ivy should pretend to be the spokesperson for all Korean women. However, I do believe she could use some counseling for her mother issues.

The designers meet Michael Kors at his yacht. He gives them some super-boring sunglasses and tells them that resort wear is meaningless since it includes anything from bathing suits to ball gowns to ski parkas. I'm just kidding. I get it. But when I was in design school I think it was called "cruise" and it was just an excuse to design summer clothes in the winter.

So we get shots of the designers on the boat and then the camera zooms out and we see that the boat is actually on the back of a trailer being pulled through the streets of Manhattan. Michael props his feet up on the railing and we can see that he is wearing brand new crocodile boots. So that's where he got the money! He drives the boat to Mood and drops the designers off to go shopping.

Just as they get back to the design room and start working, Tim comes in and asks them to gather 'round. The designers have a Pavlovian response to the Dreaded Black Velvet Bag. They will be in teams of two and they will have to make their teammate's design:

Tim: "This is exactly how it works in the real world. The top designers don't actually make their own designs. They get them made by reality show contestants who don't know how to make patterns and can't sew. Get used to it."

The teams are Valerie and Andy; Mondo and Michael C.; April and Christopher; Gretchen and Casanova; and Ivy and Michael D.

Mondo is not thrilled to be paired with Michael C. They have trouble communicating their ideas to each other because Mondo doesn't sketch and Michael C. doesn't do, well, basically, anything. But after Mondo explains how to use a ruler, Michael C. seems to do a pretty good job. Mondo apologizes for being a total bitch and then they are best friends.

Ivy castrates Michael D.:

Ivy: "How would you rate your ability to make pants, with one being as useless as Michael C. and ten being nowhere near as talented as I am?"

Michael D.: "Um ... two?"

Ivy: "That's what I thought. I'll design a skirt instead. No, that will be too complicated for you. Have you ever used a sewing machine? Actually, I don't trust you to sew a seam. Do you know what fabric is? F-A-B-R-I-C? Fabric? Ringing any bells? We'll just stick these two pieces of fabric on the model. Think you can handle that? Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself!"

Meanwhile, Valerie is pondering the meaning of life. She wonders why she can't win a challenge. She says she has sacrificed so many relationships to be there and going home is not an option. She also says something weird:

Valerie: "Things are going to die."

Is that a threat?

Valerie: "No, just a warning."

She makes the dreaded Phone Call of Doom. That always means the designer is going to be right in the middle of the pack. The editing makes that so obvious.

On to the runway. The guest judge this week is Kristen Bell. Don't ask.

We get another unimpressive runway show. Gretchen made a horrible beige snooze-fest and I can't believe she wasn't in the bottom three. The bottom three are Ivy, Mondo, and Casanova.

Ivy's was easily the worst thing we've seen all season. It was literally just two pieces of fabric loosely attached to a model. There was no design at all:

Michael D.: "I feel terrible. But I feel like it's a little bit her fault for not trusting me to do anything."

Ya think? It's entirely Ivy's fault! She didn't give him any design to make. The poor guy is completely brainwashed. Kristen Bell gives her professional opinion:

Kristen Bell: "Ivy, as a designer, it's really important that you are able to communicate your ideas to another person. I know this because I am somehow a fashion expert. Also, I heard Michael and Nina say something like that earlier."

Ivy: "But I had to keep simplifying my design to the point that there was no design at all because Michael D. doesn't have any skills."

Heidi: "Wow, she just threw him under the bus."

Michael Kors: "Yeah, she totally threw him under the bus."

Kristen Bell: "It sure sounded to me like she threw him under the bus."

Nina: "If one more person says that she threw him under the bus I'm going to lose my fucking mind."

Inexplicably, Ivy is safe. Mondo is also safe for his cute but cheap-looking juniors outfit.

Casanova is out because his look really wasn't resort wear. I don't see how it was worse than Ivy's, whose look couldn't even be classified as clothing. But Casanova lasted longer than anyone thought he would. He was fun. We'll miss him.

Andy, April, and Michael D. are the top three. Andy's bathing suit with a sarong was kind of a cliche, but it was a successful cliche. Michael D.'s dress was very pretty. It looked elegant and comfortable.

April wins. I'm happy for her but I don't completely get it. Obviously, Michael Kors encouraged her to make the granny panties, so he had to say he loved them. But they were still granny panties. They were so ill-fitting the model definitely could have been wearing Depends under there. Maybe that's what the judges were looking for in resort wear. I just don't understand how they complained about the little shorts she made for the hat challenge, which were a million times cuter, but love this unflattering mess.

Kristen Bell: "I would totally wear granny panties on the red carpet!"

Oh, please. Kristen Bell is crazier than Ivy's mother.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Six: The Peculiar Problem of Poor Peplum Peach!

(This post is a ballad dedicated to Peach and it should be sung in the style of a narcocorrido)

Last time A.J. was out and Ivy had an "aha" moment:

Ivy: "Aha!"

Thank you for that, Ivy. Meanwhile, Gretchen just wants you to know how really really hard everyone worked:

Gretchen: "We all worked really really hard. Of course, some of us worked really really harder than others, though I'm not naming names, Michael C."

We start the episode with everyone complaining about Michael C.'s lack of talent. There is one person who disagrees with this assessment:

Michael C.: "I happen to think I'm very talented."

There you go. It's a wash. Actually, Casanova also thinks he's talented. But that's not really something to brag about.

Heidi introduces the challenge:

Heidi: "This week you will have new victims. I mean models. You will be turning their bridesmaid dresses into something that could be worn in public."

The point, of course, is to use as much of the original dress as possible. But, as in past similar challenges, they get to buy two yards of fabric at Mood. Michael D. has a Gone With the Wind (via the Carol Burnett Show) moment:

Michael D.: "I saw this in the window and I just had to have it."

Yes, he plans to make his dress out of curtain fabric, because it's wider, so he can get more square footage out of his two yards. This does not sound promising.

Gretchen talks to her mom on one of those fancy new 3-D telephones:

Gretchen: "Mom, talking to you has made me realize there is more to life than fashion."

Gretchen's Mom: "Honey, I've never heard such horse shit. Fashion is your entire life. You don't have anything else. Snap out of it!"

Gretchen's mom slaps her over the telephone, through the magic of 3-D technology.

Tim announces that there will be a designer showcase, where the victims (I mean models) will have to stand in hermetically sealed vitrines in a gallery space for an unspecified period of time and have a bunch of people stare at them like zoo animals. And only one woman dropped out of this nightmare?

Tim: "The models will get a gift of jewelry from the Piperlime accessory wall."

Haven't these poor women been through enough already?

Apparently, Michael C. is telling everyone at the showcase that Ivy is the bitch of the show, and while he isn't wrong, it's still a terrible thing to say. Seriously though, everyone seems to hear that he is trash-talking Ivy, and unless Ivy is starting the rumor herself (which is possible, but seems unlikely), Michael isn't really helping his reputation with the other designers. And that's fine, if that's his intention. But then he needs to stop whining about the fact that nobody likes him. [update: I've changed my position on the prospect of Ivy starting the rumor from "possible" to "likely"]

The designers use the feedback from the crowd to make some last-minute changes to their garments and then it's time for the runway, with guest judge Cynthia Rowley:

The runway show stank so bad my eyes were watering. OK, it really wasn't that bad, but it wasn't very good.

The judges deliberate:

Heidi: "The other designers were so mean to Michael C. last time."

Michael Kors: "Yeah. I say we totally fuck with them and pretend to love his dress this week!"

Nina: "Well, you know what would absolutely kill them?"

Heidi: "Oh, my god, YES! We'll give him the win and immunity! Hilarious!"

Michael Kors: "Ha ha! Gretchen and Ivy will shit in their pants!"

Heidi: "Cynthia, do you have any problem with acting like you're on crack?"

Cynthia Rowley: "Have we met?"

Heidi: "Ha ha! Just checking!"

Nina: "Is there any way we could bring all the designers back so we could see the looks on their faces? It's going to be priceless!"

Heidi: "Let me check the rules. OK, this could be relevant: rule number five states 'If you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him.'"

Nina: "That's a copy of The Rules, you nitwit. Why the hell do you even have that?"

Heidi: "Could you remind me which one of us is married to Seal? Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's just bring the top and bottom back out here and have some fun."

Let the praise for Michael C.'s dress commence:

Cynthia Rowley: "I love how there is just WAY too much going on with this dress!"

Michael Kors: "I think it's amazing how you managed to make this dress look like a burka and yet still expose her vagina!"

Nina: "I am so impressed by the fact that you mixed ten different black fabrics for absolutely no reason."

Heidi: "I want this dress in every color, as long as it's black. Congratulations, Michael C. You are the winner! Please go give Gretchen and Ivy the thrilling news and make sure you get it on camera for us."

So Mondo, who clearly should have won this week for his adorable and perfectly constructed pink and black dress, is in second place. The judges use his weird styling choices as an excuse. But, come on, it's Mondo. His styling choices are always weird. That's why we love him. Also, he won the showcase part of the challenge, which was supposed to impact the judging but obviously didn't.

Valerie is in the bottom for her hideously unflattering dress, but she's safe.

Michael D. managed to to take an ugly dress and make it worse. He chose exactly the wrong silhouette for a plus-sized model (or really any model over the age of five) and he covered the dress in fabric that looks even cheaper than the original fabric. His model is a lovely woman and he could have made her look really good if he had chosen the right silhouette. Instead, he made every possible wrong decision:

Michael D.: "How can I put this delicately? My model required A LOT of fabric."

Yeah, not so delicate. Look, I get it. Two yards of fabric would go farther on a size two model. But the point was to use as little new fabric as possible, so it shouldn't have been a major issue. Anyway, he's safe.

That leaves us with the peculiar problem of poor Peplum Peach. Why is she trying to bring back the peplum? IT'S NOT FLATTERING! You know she wouldn't be caught dead wearing the things she sends down the runway. We love her and she had a good run, but it was time for her to go. We'll miss you, Peplum Peach!