Project Runway All Stars or: How I stopped worrying and learned to love this bomb!

Well, it’s a brand new season and you know what that means!

Daniel Franco: “No way! Leave me alone!”

Oh, come on, Daniel. I’ll just hold this football and you run up and kick it.

Daniel Franco: “You must think I’m really stupid! Every season you tell me you’ll hold the football and then I run up to kick it and you pull it away at the last minute! Well, not this season. I’m not falling for that again. Forget it!”

Daniel, I know I’ve done that in the past, but I won’t do it this time. I’m a changed man. I’ve been doing yoga with Elena. I have too much respect for you to do that to you again. Now, you just run up and kick the ball. I promise not to pull it away. I mean it this time. Look at me, Daniel. You can trust me.

Daniel Franco: “Well, all right. You seem sincere. I truly believe people can change. And what's the point in living if you can't trust people, right? OK, here I come!”

Daniel Franco: "...ooooohhh...my nuts..."

Daniel, I really admire your completely unjustified faith in humanity.

Thank goodness we got that out of the way. Now we can get back to my favorite subject: me! I swore I was not going to blog this season. I really need a break. The idea of spending every Saturday through January doing this makes me want to weep. But Other Eric talked me into it:

Other Eric: “What else do you have to do?”

Me: “How dare you! I’m a very important person! I have things to do!”

Other Eric: “Like what?”

Me: “Well, for one thing I have a DVR full of House Hunters episodes that aren’t going to watch themselves. And I need to get back to my Rosetta Stone lessons that probably don’t work anymore. And maybe I was actually going to read that David Foster Wallace novel I bought four years ago. YOU DON'T KNOW!!!”

Other Eric: “Besides, after this season of All Stars there will be a long break before season 13 starts.”

Me: “Really? Are you sure?”

Other Eric: “How should I know?”

Well, maybe just the dream of a break between Project Runway seasons will be enough to sustain me. The point is I might be taking some shortcuts this season. For instance, instead of finding the perfect film or television show to parody, I might just randomly use whatever damn thing I watched recently. Which brings us to this week's challenge:

For more than a year, ominous rumors have been privately circulating among high level western leaders, that Project Runway had been at work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon, a doomsday device. Intelligence sources traced the site of the top secret Runway project to the perpetually fog shrouded wasteland of Manhattan island. What they were building, or why it should be located in a such a remote and desolate place, no one could say.

 

In order to guard against surprise nuclear attack, America's Strategic Air Command maintains a large force of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a day. Each B-52 can deliver a nuclear bombload of 50 megatons, equal to 16 times the total explosive force of all the bombs and shells used by all the armies in World War Two. Based in America, the Airborne alert force is deployed from the Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean, but they have one geographical factor in common: they are all two hours from their targets inside Parsons The New School.

The challenge revolves around the rogue host, General Alyssa Milano, who has just given the orders to attack, which will lead to All Stars Season III and end all life on earth:

General Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano: "Designers, have you heard of fluoridation? Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face? We have to wipe out this commie threat once and for all. So I'm locking you all in the basement of Mood to make punk outfits for Debbie Harry. It's the only way to protect our precious bodily fluids."

oh, my god. Alyssa Milano has completely lost her mind. What are we going to do?

Alyssa: "First let me tell you about this season's sponsors and prize package. Makeup will be done by the first Avon lady who happens to come by and ring the doorbell at Parsons. You'll have access to everything on the 99 Cents Only Store accessory wall. The prize package includes all your survival needs: one 45 caliber automatic, two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, and three pair of nylon stockings."

The largest prize package in Project Runway history!

Isaac Mizrahi: "Shoot, a designer could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!"

Alyssa Milano: "That's right, Isaac. Now let's go kill some commies!"

Christopher: "Yeah, let's sew some stitches and cut some bitches!"

Isaac: "You're talking about mass murder, not a runway show!"

Alyssa: "Look, Isaac, I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed. But we have people to fix our hair, and I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops."

Isaac: "I will not let Project Runway All Stars go down in history as the greatest mass murderers since Adolph Hitler!"

Alyssa: "Perhaps it might be better, Isaac, if you were more concerned with the American people than with your image in the history books."

Well, I think it might have been a mistake to give Alyssa Milano this much power, but apparently we're stuck with her, so let's make the best of it. The designers make their punk rock looks. I thought they made some nice outfits, though several of them did not look inspired by punk at all. 

The judges deliberate in the War Room. In attendance are Alyssa, Isaac, Georgina, and Debbie Harry:

All Stars War Room

Alyssa: "Uh, excuse me, Isaac, but am I to understand that the Punk Rock Ambassador, Debbie Harry, is to be admitted entrance to the War Room?"

Isaac: "That is correct. She is here on my orders."

Alyssa: "I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean... she'll see everything. She'll see the big board!"

Isaac: "That is precisely the idea, Alyssa. That is precisely the idea. Georgina, get Premier Kissov on the Hotline."

 

There is some tension in the War Room:

 

Georgina: "It's not totally punk to me."

 

Debbie Harry: "Let's try to remember that the looks are supposed to be inspired by punk."

 

Georgina: "Well I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

 

A fight breaks out:

 

 

The judges got the top three correct: Jeffrey, Seth Aaron, and Elena. They were all really good and any one of them could have won. I, personally, thought Jeffrey's was the best. It was a punk version of a red carpet look, which, now that I think about it, has really already been done by Vivian Westwood. But, whatever. It was still good. The twist, though, was that the winning look had to be something Debbie Harry actually wanted to wear. And of the three top designs, Elena's probably made the most sense. The black and neon leather jacket was not completely punk, but it did have some punk ancestry and it looked like a modern interpretation of an 80s look. I'm sure people will complain that it was Elena's model who suggested putting the jacket on backward, but I say, Whatever. A suggestion was made and she was smart enough to pay attention. Congratulations, Elena!

The bottom three were Melissa, Viktor, and Ari:

 

Ari: "Now, designers, we got three engines out; we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio's gone and we're leaking fuel, and if we was flying any lower, why, we'd need sleigh bells on this thing. But we got one little edge on the competition, at this this height, why, they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen."

 

Well, there were other bad looks that were missed on the judges' radar screen -- I'm looking at you, Korto and Daniel -- but Ari is a goner. But she goes out in a blaze of glory. If the worst thing about your look is that it was perfectly executed, then you're doing pretty well. Sorry to see you go so soon, Ari!

So long, Ari!

The bad news is that Ari's elimination sets off the doomsday device. Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If you take fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the runway for ninety three years!

But the surviving designers must carry on somehow. 

Isaac: "I suggest they go deep underground and stay there for the next hundred years."

Dr. Isaac Mizrahi

But look here, Isaac, that seems awfully long, even for a Project Runway season. And wouldn't this nucleus of survivors be so grief stricken and anguished that they'd, well, envy the eliminated designers and not want to go on living?

Isaac: "No, when they go down into the mine most of the designers will still be in the competition. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead!"

We end with a montage of upcoming scenes, set to one of the hits from the brand new Blondie album:

Debbie Harry: "We'll meet again...

Don't know where, don't know when...

But I know we'll meet again some sunny day!"

Project Runway Season Twelve Finale: Sabotage!

Heidi Klum: “For the first time in Project Runway history, the best designer has won!”

That’s not true. It’s happened at least a couple of times before.

Heidi Klum: “Well, then, for the first time in Project Runway history, I have made an incorrect statement about something happening for the first time in Project Runway history!”

OK, Heidi’s being sarcastic. But the point is, Dom won and I think the judges made the right decision and I’m a little surprised by that. In fact, given the track record of the judges, I felt I had to take matters into my own hands in order to make sure we got the correct result. I’m not proud of the things I did, and ultimately I don't think they made any difference, but I’m in a confessional mood so let me just get this off my chest.

First of all, I’m the one who dumped coffee all over Bradon’s model. I know. I know. It was a horrible thing to do. 

It's not as bad as it looks. New Tide Pods will get that right out.

Bradon: “I specifically told my models not to go to the senior prom and get elected prom queen and go up on stage and stand under that big bucket of coffee! But would they listen to me? No!”

I actually don’t want to be negative, so I’m just going to focus on the positive aspects of Bradon’s collection. And if I think of any, I’ll let you know.

Nope. I'm not saying a word.

Next, I had to make sure Justin was out of the way. I thought his collection was nice, but I felt like the best part of his show was the accessories. So he shouldn’t have been a problem except that his final gown, made out of plastic test tube vials, was probably the biggest statement piece of all the collections. 

So, I took out one of his models. I didn’t plan to do it! It was impulsive and I feel guilty about it! Besides, when I tell you the whole story, you’ll understand why I did it:

Like I said, I was a little worried that the judges might be so blown away by Justin’s one amazing gown that they might ignore the fact that the rest of his collection was not as strong as Dom’s. So I followed his model, Gina Gershon, to her job as the headliner in “Goddess,” the topless show at the Stardust hotel in Las Vegas, where my friend Molly works as a seamstress. After the show, I was following Gina down the stairs to her dressing room. We were talking about how sexy I am and she was obviously attracted to me so I leaned in for a kiss and then she pulled away and called me a whore! Well, no one calls me a whore and gets away with it, so I pushed her! I was angry and I pushed her! I didn’t mean for her to fall down the stairs and break her ankle. That was an unfortunate accident and you can’t prove otherwise. 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I’m now the headliner at the Stardust hotel and I had to fill in as a model in Justin’s runway show. And even though I have the exact same measurements as Gina Gershon, I’m just slightly longer waisted, so the dress didn’t fit perfectly. Again, it ultimately was not the deciding factor so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. 

It's a Versase

Gina Gershon: “I’ll be fine. There’s always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs behind you.”

The shocking thing was that Alexandria turned out to be the biggest threat of all. I was going to have to be creative if I was going to sabotage her.

I ultimately decided to let her sabotage herself. I thought long and hard about what would send her over the edge and then it finally came to me. What’s the most evil thing in the entire world? What will single-handedly bring about the end of civilization? What makes children cry and adults pray for the sweet release of death? 

OH, DEAR GOD, NOOOOO!!!!

Yes, phone books. I honestly didn't even know phone books were being produced anymore. I haven't seen one in years and they don't get delivered to my house. But, apparently they still really upset some people. So, I had thousands of them delivered to Alexandria’s studio and it had the desired results. She started freaking out. Yes, she did create a dramatic, if costumey, garment out of them. But she also created hundreds of other decent pieces instead of concentrating on ten outstanding looks. As with Justin's collection, her monotone looks blended together into a forgettable mush, in my opinion. But some of her pants were really cool and most of her pieces were definitely wearable and sellable and the judges sometimes think that’s the most important thing, so I was still a little worried. 

This is great

This is horrifying

So I had done my part. That just left Dom to follow through with the great collection we were expecting from her. And she did. I admit I wasn’t blown away by the entire collection, but several pieces were spectacular, the styling was perfect, and the looks were cohesive, young, fresh, and fun.

not the best photo, but I love everything about this

probably the best of the washable looks

The designers give their final speeches about why they deserve to win:

Justin tells us that he should win because he wants to prove that a deaf person can be a fashion designer. And in case you were wondering, a deaf person can also compete on the Amazing Race:

well, duh

Bradon tells us he should win because he used to be a dancer:

Bradon: “Did you know that I used to be a dancer?”

You might have mentioned it once or thirty times before.

Bradon: “Well, then you must be able to understand how excited I am to know that I can be just as amazing at everything I do.”

Yeah, I can totally relate.

Alexandria tells us she should win because she works hard and she has already accomplished so much and she already knows how to run a business because she already has two successful businesses and what the hell does she need our help for?

The judges are moved/scared/exhausted by listening to Alexandria.

So I think the winner was always clear, but with these judges it’s better to be safe than sorry. Congratulations, Dom! Although you didn’t need my help to win, I’m so proud that I could be a part of it by sabotaging your competition.

Congratulations, Dom!

Project Runway Season Twelve, Finale, Part One: Do Decoys Dream of Electric Runways?

This is a leitmotif. Or maybe it's just an eye. Either way, it's gross.

Early in the 21st Century, the Project Runway Corporation advanced robot evolution into the Nexus phase -- a designer virtually identical to a human -- known as a Decoy. The Nexus 6 Decoys were superior in strength and agility, and at least equal in intelligence, to the genetic engineers who created them. Decoys were used Off-world as slave labor, in the hazardous exploration and accessorizing of other planets. After a bloody mutiny by a Nexus 6 combat team in an Off-world colony, Decoys were declared illegal on earth. Special fashion police squads -- Blade Runner Units -- had orders to stop, upon detection, any trespassing Decoys. This was not called execution. It was called elimination.

New York, November 2019

This week, at Parsons

Tim Gunn, the most decorated member of the Blade Runner Unit, has been taken out of retirement because the chief of the fashion police has an important assignment for him.

Chief: “Tim, I need you back. Some Decoys have escaped from the Off-world colony of Parsons and we fear they will try to show at Fashion Week.”

Tim: “How embarrassing for you.”

Chief: “No. Not embarrassing, because nobody will ever know they were here. Their collections won’t show up in the finale. Your job will be to hunt them down and determine which designers are really Decoys. Will you do it?”

Tim: “Do I have any choice?”

Chief: “No.”

Tim: “Alright. Give me the details.”

Chief: “Five Decoys escaped. One of them -- Ken -- got fried trying to run through an electrical field, but the rest are attempting to create final collections.”

Tim: “Well, I don’t get it. Why risk detection by trying to show a collection at Fashion Week?”

Chief: “That’s what we were hoping you could find out.”

So fashion police detective and amateur origami artist Edward James Olmos flies Tim around the country searching for these Decoys. 

Tim and Edward James Olmos making home visits

After discovering and eliminating Jeremy and Alexander, he visits Dom in Philadelphia:

Dom: “2019 is awesome! I’m totally digging this retro-futurist world we live in! And I love your flying Delorean!”

Tim: “Oh, get serious, Dom! You're thinking of Back to the Future. This is reality. I drive a 2019 Toyota Prius; it’s just like the original Prius, except it’s 100% electric. And, obviously, it flies.”

The 2019 Toyota Prius

Dom shows Tim her beautiful prints and he tells her to use more knits in her collection. He determines that she is not a Decoy. 

But he finds a clue in her bathtub. It looks like a fish scale. He has it analyzed by the oldest street vendor he could find in Chinatown, because that’s how detectives work in 2019.

Street Vendor: “I think it was manufactured. Look: finest quality, superior workmanship. There is a maker’s serial number. Interesting. Not a fish scale. It is a plastic test tube. Try Justin. He’s making a gown out of these.”

Tim visits Justin and he likes the test tube dress and the 3-D printed accessories and he determines Justin is not a Decoy. 

Justin is inspired by his journey from silence to sound

Tim excuses himself because he’s just been informed that there may be Decoys at the Bradbury Building in Los Angeles, where Bradon lives with his fiance and their pet owl.

Bradon's home

Bradon: “I’m totally excited by crocuses.”

Tim: “That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say. That proves you are not a Decoy. See you at Fashion Week.”

In the next scene, Tim has a bloody lip and forehead. What happened?!

Ooh, that looks bad

Tim: “Oh, it was just a silly accident. I fell on the stairs in the subway. Clumsy me.”

Be honest with me, Tim. What really happened?

Tim: “Fine. Daryl Hannah beat the crap out of me.”

Daryl Hannah wearing Alexandria's neo-punk look

That’s what I thought. Well, I’m glad you’re willing to go on with the mission. Your next stop is a visit to Alexandria at her sweatshop.

Alexandria: “Don’t worry. I don’t use illegal robots to manufacture my clothes. I use adorable children.”

Tim: “Well, I think that’s the best use for them. Carry on.”

Alexandria tells Tim to go to a nightclub owned by Taffy Lewis, where he finds Kate working as an exotic dancer. He decides she’s a Decoy and he chases her out onto the street. Kate asks why it has to end this way:

Kate wasn't ready to be eliminated

Tim: “What seems to be the problem?”

Kate: “Time.”

Tim: “Time? That’s a little out of my jurisdiction.”

Kate: “I wanted more time on Project Runway.”

Tim: “Ah, the facts of life. To make an alteration in the evolution of an organic life system is fatal. A coding sequence cannot be revised once it’s been established. By the second runway day of incubation, any cells that have undergone reversion mutations give rise to revertant colonies like rats leaving a sinking ship. Then the ship sinks.”

Kate: “What about EMS recombination? Or a repressive protein that blocks the operating cells?”

Tim: “We’ve already tried ethyl methane sulfonate as an alkylating agent on a potent mutagen. It created a virus so lethal the designer was eliminated before he even left the runway. And a repressive protein wouldn’t obstruct replication, but it does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries the mutation and you’ve got a virus again. But all of this is academic. You were made as well as we could make you.”

Kate: “But not to last.”

Tim: “The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very, very brightly, Kate.”

Kate: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glittering in the darkness at Tannhauser Gate. Michael Kors trying on all the shoes on the Belk accessory wall. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain. I know I’ve done questionable things.”

Tim: “Also extraordinary things. Revel in the time you had, Kate!

There is only one more Decoy out there. It’s the most difficult assignment of all. 

Tim: "I'm getting too old for this shit!"

Finally, Tim gets a lead that sends him to L.A. Eyeworks, a company that creates fashionable eyeglasses and genetically engineered frozen eyeballs. The eyeball is obviously a clue. He visits Helen in New Jersey and it turns out she has used an iris for her main print and she thinks it looks good. Tim administers the Decoy test:

This could take a while

Helen: “Tim, can I ask you a personal question?”

Tim: “Sure.”

Helen: “Have you ever eliminated a real designer by mistake?”

Tim: “No.”

Helen: “But in your position that is a risk, isn’t it? Is this to be an empathy test? Capillary dilation of the so-called blush response? Fluctuation of the pupil? Involuntary dilation of the iris?”

Tim: “We call it the Voight-Kampff for short. You’re walking in the desert...”

Helen: “What desert?”

Tim: “It doesn’t matter. It’s completely hypothetical. So you’re walking in the desert and you see a tortoise...”

Helen: “What’s that?”

Tim: “You know what a turtle is? It’s the same thing.”

Helen: “I’ve never seen a turtle because by 2019 most animals are extinct and also I’ve been trapped at Parsons for most of my life. But I know what you mean.”

Tim: “The tortoise is on its back and it can’t flip itself over. What do you do?”

Helen: “Do you make up these questions, Tim?”

Tim: “It’s science. Just answer the questions.”

Helen: “I’m going to be in the finale and I’m going to win this season of Project Runway.”

Helen had a little issue with the shoulders

Tim leaved Helen and talks to the judges:

Tim: “My God! Helen doesn’t know! She doesn’t know that she’s a Decoy! How is that possible?”

Judges: “Commerce is our goal here at Project Runway. More human than human is our motto. Helen is an experiment, nothing more. After all, these designers are emotionally inexperienced, with only a few weeks in which to store up the experiences which seasoned professionals like you and I take for granted. If we gift them the past we create a cushion or pillow for their emotions and consequently we can control them better.”

Tim: “Memories. You’re talking about memories.”

Judges: “Yes, she has memories of creating a final collection because we implanted those memories.”

So Helen is the final Decoy. But Tim has grown too fond of her. He sneaks her out of Parsons and they escape north to safety.

Edward James Olmos: “Too bad she won’t make it to the finale. But, then again, who does?”

Tim picks up an origami unicorn that Edward James Olmos has left on the floor:

Really?

Tim: “What the hell? Is he trying to tell me that all those memories of Timothy and his stupid unicorns were implanted in my brain? That this season didn’t really happen? That my whole life has been a lie? And what does it actually mean to be human, anyway? Are we all really just Decoys?”

Tune in next week for the finale, when those and many other questions won’t be answered.