Project Runway Finale Part 1: Here, have some poop!

By the way, I watched 30 Rock before Project Runway Wednesday and I suddenly feel the need to buy a GE Trivection oven. Did you know it can cook a turkey in 22 minutes?

OK, on to the show: Heidi comes out on the runway to address the final four. Dear Lord, what is she wearing? It looks like her top was made out of a Mylar balloon. I think I can see the words "Happy Birthday" printed across her stomach. Fortunately, she should be dressed by Michael Kors the next time we see her.

We see the designers leaving the Atlas. Did anyone see the special on Windsor Castle on PBS a few months ago? It showed the process of the maids unpacking and packing the luggage of any guest at the royal residence. They make a list of every item they take out of the luggage so that they can repack it in the exact same order. The only difference is that everything will be individually wrapped in tissue paper when you leave. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is that this is how Laura packs her luggage.

Tim flies across the country with a 2007 Saturn Roadster stashed in his carry-on. It really is such a practical and versatile car!

Tim makes a surprise visit to Keith Michael:

Tim: "Keith, I know you aren't in the final but America would like to know what you've been up to."

Keith: "I've been very productive. I've divided my time between sulking, threatening to sue people, and writing ranting, insulting letters to the fans."

Tim: "Well, good for you!"

I'm sure we were all shocked to learn that Uli's inspiration is the beach. In fact, she can't stop being inspired by the beach. Just try to stop her! No, really, would someone please try to stop her?

We learn that Jeffrey tried to hang himself. Fortunately, he couldn't find a rope long enough to fit around his neck. Unfortunately, the attempt left these disgusting black marks on his skin. We also learn that Jeffrey has so much love for his son that it completely makes up for the hatred he has for everyone else.

Just when you thought grey was the new black, we learn that going on safari is the new black. Michael's theme is "Street Safari," which, of course, means to dress like a whore. Uli is going on a surfing safari, which, of course, means to dress like Uli. Laura wants to use "Fabulously Glamorous Safari" but her adorable, soon-to-be-gay children tell mommy that her idea sucks ass and she better come up with something better!

Tim agrees with the kids: "Laura, I have a suggestion; instead of this chartreuse number, why don't you make something pretty?"

Well, I kind of liked that freaky chartreuse outfit but I'll forgive Tim simply because I've been trying to think of the name of that color for weeks! Chartreuse is my favorite color but for some reason the word keeps slipping my mind; it's driving me crazy! I'm thinking of having it tattooed on my neck so I won't forget it again.

So, the designers get back to New York. The designers all agree the work room is "cool." Well, thank goodness for that. They pick models. Laura wants models with hips, Uli wants models that can look good while laying in pools of their own vomit. Michael is in search of that elusive model who can wear a bathing suit. Good luck with that!


Now, of course, for the most dramatic moment of the episode: Laura talks to Tim outside about a delicate matter:

Tim: "Oh, it's really nice out here on this balcony."

Laura: "Yeah, Jeffrey really likes it out here. Oh, speaking of Jeffrey..."

Tim: "Nice segue!"

Laura: "Thanks! So anyway, I have a problem with Jeffrey. We've been here two days already and he hasn't called me a shriveled old hag or said he hopes I die in childbirth. Not even once!"

Tim: "Well, that certainly doesn't sound like Jeffrey."

Laura: "I know! He appears to be a nicer person and I think he may have received outside help in this transformation. Like maybe group therapy. I mean, you don't just pull a personality change like that out of your ass. We all signed a contract and it was explicit: No personality changes during the course of the season. All the other designers seem to have understood this. Vincent stayed crazy, Uli stayed drunk, Alison stayed clueless, Michael stayed nice, I stayed fabulously glamorous; it isn't fair that Jeffrey thinks he can get away with suddenly not being an asshole!"

Tim: "This is a very serious accusation and it will be difficult to prove but I assure you the producers will be looking into it."

Laura: "I understand. Thank you."


Later, in the work room:

Laura: "Jeffrey, I just want to let you know I spoke to Tim about the fact that I think you got help in becoming less of an asshole."

Jeffrey: "That's ridiculous! I'm just as much of an asshole as I ever was!"

Michael: "Don't blame this all on Laura. I noticed it too. You're less of an asshole."

Uli: "I don't know, guys; if you look really carefully you can see that he's still kind of an asshole."

Next week: will Jeffrey be disqualified for receiving help in becoming less of an asshole? We'll find out! Oh, yeah; there will also be some runway shows.