Top Chef Recap: Getting Canned: The Thanksgiving Episode.

So we start the episode with everyone picking on Marcel:

Marcel: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

OK, seriously, he's annoying but he really isn't that bad. What's everyone's problem? On to the quickfire:

Mia: "So we walk into the Kenmore kitchen and there are all these cans!"

Mia, I think you mean the Kenmore Pro kitchen! The poor chefs have been so brainwashed they can't even speak without mentioning the sponsor's products! Anyway, for the challenge the chefs are given 13 seconds to create a dish using canned food. And, oh my gosh, wouldn't you know it but the results are just so spectacular that Tom can't pick just one as the winner. No, there are five winners this time! I feel used and dirty.

Elia: "I don't really see any point in going on when we are obviously being judged by a complete moron."

The losing five chefs have to make dinner for the winning chefs and Anthony Bourdain. It has to be a traditional avant-garde Thanksgiving meal.

Carlos: "That's oxymoronic."

You don't know the half of it, sister. They also can't use the Kenmore Pro kitchen; I think they have to prepare the whole meal in a hotel bathroom. Marcel cleans up first:

Sam: "Hey Frank, Marcel just used your toothbrush to clean the toilet. I can't believe you're going to stand for that. What kind of pussy are you?"

Frank kills Marcel.

The chefs try to plan a menu. Betty covers Michael's mouth to try to shut him up:

Michael: "Oh, no no no no. I don't know where that hand has been."

Rosie O'Donnell: "I find that remark really offensive! If Betty weren't a lesbian, you would never have said that!"

Elia is thankful for having Tom as her judge and for her brilliant sense of sarcasm. She questions Tom about his judgement:

Elia: "What kind of game were you playing by picking Cliff's? I tasted it and it made me puke."

Tom: "Well, I thought it was really good."

Elia: "OK, then; now that I know it was just because you have terrible taste, I can accept it and move on."

She makes a really delicious but unimaginative mushroom soup. Carlos prepares a salad at the Wild Oats salad bar. He's out. Michael creates an insane trio of starches. It's truly bizarre. Betty makes another failure of a desert and blames everyone else. Marcel actually makes a dish that is a modern twist on traditional Thanksgiving flavors:

Other Chefs: "I don't like it; the turkey is too dry, the cranberries are too tart, his hair is ridiculous, blah, blah, blah, boo hoo."

Oh, shut up!

After desert Michael brings out a cheese plate. I shit myself. Anthony Bourdain has experienced some pretty fucked up meals but I'm pretty sure he's never been brought a cheese plate after desert. But whatever planet Michael is from, Anthony is totally digging it. He says it's like Betty Rubble and Marilyn Manson had a love child, or something like that. He thinks Michael is such a complete freak he wants to adopt him; in all his travels he's never met such a free spirit. Michael is saved this week by the sheer brilliance of his ineptitude.