Top Chef Special Recap: Seeing Stars!

Padma: "This will be an episode unlike any other."

Why is this night different from all other nights?

Padma: "Well, for starters, I'm dressed a little better."

Oh my god, you're right. I didn't even notice what you were wearing. And that's a good thing. Anything else?

Padma: "No one will be winning a Kenmore Pro kitchen?"

That's it? I thought this was supposed to be special.

Padma: "Well, we'll be bringing back the chefs who made it almost to the end on the first two seasons of Top Chef."

So it will be like watching the third to the last episode of the regular show. That does sound exciting. Oh, alright, it's pretty cool. Season One will be going up against Season Two and competing for $20,000 for Charity:

Charity: "Damn, y'all, I really wanted a new car."

Those are the breaks. So anyway, we have Dave, Tiffani, Stephen, and Harold from season one and Ilan, Sam, Elia, and Marcel from season two. Lee Anne works on the show now so she isn't participating in the challenge. The quickfire will determine the team leaders and which team will get an extra $100 to waste on wine. The chefs have to make an egg dish, something so easy they could do it gagged and blindfolded and chained to Samuel L. Jackson's radiator. And, Oh my god, that's exactly what the challenge is!

Samuel L. Jackson: "I'm only doing this because I care so deeply about eggs. You'll thank me later."

Well, it seems a little exploitative; for instance, I don't know why the chefs have to be half-naked. But I'm sure Mr. Jackson knows what he's doing. So, Stephen creates a boiled egg:

Tom: "It's a very simple idea but he executed it perfectly!"

Marcel creates egg foam:

Other Eric: "Fucking Foam!"

That's right: Fucking Foam. Stephen and Marcel are the team leaders.

Other chefs: "Would someone please kill us?"

I'm with the other chefs. Could there be worse team leaders? The charities they will be competing for are the Susan G. Komen Foundation for Breast Cancer Research (season one) and Share our Strength (season two).

Marcel: "I put saffron in my egg foam! Is that the biggest smackdown of all time, or what?!"

Yep, that's one for the record books.

Marcel:
My name's Marcel and I'm taking you on.
I'm making all my dishes with lots of saffron.
I'm hip and I'm cool and the kids call my homey.
I keep my raps real and make my food foamy.

Oh, god. Please make it stop.

Tom: "Ilan and Marcel, have you two buried the hatchet yet?"

Marcel: "Is that like hiding the the salami? Because, yeah, I think Ilan wanted to. He kept calling me up and saying we should get together and I was all, 'dude, that's really flattering but I'm not into guys.'"

Tom: "Um, no ... I was asking whether you two had made up or are still fighting."

Marcel: "Oh, right. Yeah, we're totally cool."

So, the chefs will be serving dueling courses of scallops, lobster, duck, and Kobe beef.

Marcel: "Ilan, since you know nothing about cooking duck, you can take that course."

Ilan: "Oh, sorry, I accidentally spilled your hair gel all over the floor."

Other than Dave, who is acting like everyone's bitch, nobody does anything very interesting. Tom decides to create some fake drama:

Tom: "Stephen, I hear you're serving wine."

Stephen: "That's right."

Tom: [just keeps staring at Stephen like a mental patient]

Stephen: "Did you have a point you were trying to make, Tom?"

Tom: "Both teams' dishes will be served together ..."

Stephen: "Uh-huh ..."

Tom: "What if the wine goes better with the other team's dishes?"

Stephen commits hara-kiri.

The chefs will be serving their dishes to the season three contestants.

Season one and two chefs: "What gives those little assholes the right to judge us? It's not like they've ever eaten food before. I remember when we were that young and innocent. Now that we are so mature and professional, it's embarrassing to think about."

So Ilan uses so much electricity shaving stupid shapes into the side of his head that he causes global temperatures to rise by five degrees, which melts Marcel's gelée and foam:

Marcel: "That bastard!"

Then Ilan drops Marcel's mango on the floor, causing Sam to slip and knock the refrigerator over, smashing into the work top and pushing all the duck onto the floor. This startles Tiffani, who accidentally changes the temperature on all the appliances and sets Elia's hair on fire. Sam is throwing olive oil everywhere trying to put out Elia's hair but she is finally put out with a canister of lobster foam. Dave sobs uncontrollably. Unfortunately the entire kitchen burns down and the only thing they can do is call Betty and see if she'll make some soup."

Ilan: "Oops."

Don't worry about it, Ilan. Accidents happen.

Ilan: "I didn't do it on purpose."

No one said you did. You seem a little defensive, though.

Anyway, season one wins, as predicted!

Susan G. Komen Foundation for Breast Cancer Research: "Woohoo! Suck it, Share our Strength!"