Top Chef: Miami, episode 5: the Joey gets his head out of his ass episode!

Joey: "I can't do nothin' right."

Well, maybe you could start with your grammar.

We get a long montage about the amazing friendship between Casey and Lia. They will be best friends forever. Obviously, one of them will be going home tonight.

OK, so Maria Frumkin tells the chefs they have to make something using frozen pie crusts:

Chefs: "But we aren't pastry chefs!"

Oh, my god! Will you shut up about not being pastry chefs?! Just make something!

Padma: "Maria, can you give the chefs some advice for making something really good with these crappy things?"

Maria: "I would be happy to. You will really have to do something in order to make something good out of these pie crusts."

Well, armed with that invaluable advice, most of the chefs do a pretty good job. They make some really interesting things; a couple of desserts but mostly savory dishes. I don't remember many of them but I think the judge liked Tre's, Dale's, and Joey's. Hung used the recipe for a chocolate pie from the label of a Cool Whip container. The judge didn't like it:

Hung: "The flavors were all there."

It may have tasted fine but it was boring and it looked like shit.

Joey wins with a trio of tarts:

Joey: "I told everyone I had no dessert experience. But guess what ... I LIED! Suckers! Don't tell anyone."

Don't worry; your secret is safe with me.

Padma: "For the elimination challenge you will be preparing Latin dishes for the cast and crew of the telenovela Dame Chocolate. Obviously, they know their Latin food so they will hate everything you make. Good luck! Oh, and the schedule of filming can be very erratic so they never know exactly when they will need food to be ready for meal breaks. You will have three hours to prepare your food."

Chefs: "Woohoo! Three hours is so much time! This is great!"

Were you not paying attention? Padma basically just told you that you are not really going to have three hours because the filming schedule is going to change. But try to act surprised when Tom comes in and tells you the time has been cut.

Tom: "Can I have your attention, everyone?"

Chefs: "Oh, my god! That is a shocking development! What are we going to do?"

Tom: "I haven't even made the announcement yet."

Chefs: "Oh, right. Go ahead."

Tom: "It turns out the meal break has been moved up and you will only have an hour and a half to prepare the food instead of the three you were originally told."

Chefs: "Oh, my god! That is a shocking development! What are ..."

Tom: "Oh, shut up."

The chefs have to speed up their work. Hung is rushing around like a maniac. And he runs like a girl:

Hung: "Are you sure you want to say that while I'm holding this knife?"

You make a good point.

America votes on whether Padma, Tom, or Gail is sexiest. Personally, I would have picked Gail. She's pretty and has huge breasts; even bigger than Tom's. But, being the only man, Tom wins out among Bravo viewers. Congratulations Tom, you big, bald grouch!

Lia, Asian Sara, Casey, and Hung are the bottom four. Sara made guacamole and called it ceviche. Lia made some weird Mexican polenta. Casey's and Hung's dishes just weren't very good. Lia is out:

Casey: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Poor Casey. How will she go on?

Casey: "Oh, it's alright. I've gotten over it."

Howie and Joey are not fighting anymore. In fact, now they can't stop professing their love for each another:

Howie: "Your dish was the best!"

Joey: "No, your dish was the best!"

Howie: "Oh, stop; you're making me blush!"

Geez! Will you two just get a room?!

Howie wins a bottle of wine:

Joey: "OMG! I am so happy for him! He totally deserves it! Howie is such a great chef! And he's so cute!"

[OK, I made up that last part.]

Anyway, Joey won the quickfire, came in second in the elimination challenge, and stopped fighting with everyone. And that's the story of how Joey got his head out of his ass.