Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Three: More Soggy Food!

Previously on Top Chef: We were totally scandalized to find out that Jen and Zoi are a couple. We learned that Spike is a total bad-ass. And that guy with the stupid hair wants us to ask the question, "Hey, what the fuck did that guy just do?"

So, what the fuck did that guy just do?

That Guy: "I just blew smoke into that bowl. Oh, yeah, and I also blew smoke up the judges' asses."

You can say that again.

Padma: "Welcome to Top Chef, where we make chefs create dishes that sit around for a couple hours and get soggy so we can complain about it."

Sounds like fun!

Let's check in with the chefs:

Stephanie: "We need a woman to represent"

She said it, she meant it, she's here to represent it.

Jennifer: "It isn't common to have a lesbian in the kitchen. Usually there are at least three or four."

Seriously, if you went by television cooking competitions, you would think lesbian chefs were almost as rare as gay fashion designers.

Our guest judge is Rick Bayliss. Apparently, he invented Mexican food. I wonder what Mexicans used to eat before he came along.

For the quickfire, the chefs will be creating a fine-dining taco:

Erik: "Man, why would you want to ruin a taco by doing that to it?"

Manuel is using cactus. He suddenly seems to have an accent.

Spike is keeping it real.

Richard wins with his jicama taco shell. He made three, for the two judges and himself:

Richard: "Do you mind if I eat one with you?"

Padma: "Do you mind if I call you a douchebag?"

The chefs are divided into red and blue teams and and they jump in their Highlanders.

Padma: "Welcome to the mealstogether.com elimination challenge."

Mealstogether.com? How can I learn more about this?

Padma: "Why don't you go to mealstogether.com?"

Oh, right.

Padma: "As you know, Chicago is a city of neighborhoods."

Other Eric: "Unlike other cities, which are made up of random areas filled with buildings and streets."

The chefs have to cook for a block party. But first they have to break into people's houses and steal their food.

Spike isn't doing anything wrong:

Spike: "What? I'm not doing anything wrong! All I said was that I'd been to that house already. I'm not sabotaging anyone. Why are you looking at me like that? I don't feel bad about it. I didn't lie. I don't care what you all say, I didn't do anything wrong!"

uh, ok.

Spike: "Stop judging me!"

Zoi is upset about having to make pasta salad:

Zoi: "Why does the lesbian always get stuck making the pasta salad? It's so unfair!"

Seriously; what's up with that? Every time there's a party it's always "get the lesbian to make the pasta salad. Oh, and tell her to bring a box of wine, too." When is America going to learn that lesbians can make other things besides pasta salad?

The teams make corndogs, sliders, mac and cheese, paella, and a sexy lavender drink:

Tom: "What makes it sexy?"

The fact that you're drinking it, Tom. That's what makes it sexy.

Tom: "Oh, stop! You're embarrassing me!"

OK, in case anyone was wondering, Andrew is full of awsomness:

Andrew: "It's true!"

Bravo: "Which will come first: a female president or a female Top Chef?"

I have to point out that there have already been female presidents. At least a dozen countries have had female presidents.

Bravo: "Fine, smart-ass; President of the United States, then."

OK, time to serve the food:

Padma: "Not yet! We have to let the food sit around for a couple of hours first to make sure it's total crap. That's the gimmick this season, remember?"

Oh, right; I forgot.

Judges' Table:

Andy Cohen: "I'd like to thank the anonymous person who returned the apostrophe for the Judges' Table. "

The blue team is called in:

Tom: "I was very disappointed with this. It really wasn't very good. By the way, you won."

Stephanie wins again! Congratulations, Stephanie!

The red team is called in after a lot of rubbing of faces. Seriously, I hope the chefs wash their hands after all that face-rubbing.

Andrew has a complete meltdown and rants about how the Top Chef studio is his house. He's dragged out by security guards. I can't figure out what's wrong with him? Is it just too much caffeine?

So, after telling the blue team that they just barely won because they were also total crap, Tom and Padma then talk about how the red team was the obvious losing team:

Tom: "It wasn't even close. Even though it was really hard to decide which team was worse because they were both so bad."

Padma: "Yeah, I don't know why they were so surprised. I thought it was really clear that both teams were bad and that the team that was just slightly worse was obviously the losing team."

Erik is out for the soggy corndogs. He should have made something with the random food from people's pantries that would have been really good after sitting around for hours:

Erik: "Like what?"