Top Chef New York: If you can make it there, you must be very proud of yourself!

Ooh, I just realized I haven't posted in almost two weeks! Well, a lot has happened. Thank you again, everyone, for your messages of congratulations on our shotgun wedding! That and the stress of the election almost killed me. Last Tuesday was very exciting but my body just couldn't take it anymore and I came down with a cold and spent most of last week in bed. Anyway, I'm feeling better now and ready to start blogging a new season of Top Chef. One more note before we start: December 10th will be A Day Without Gays. Joel Stein had suggested the 5th but apparently other people had already started organizing for the 10th so mark your calendars. Take the day off of work, don't go out to eat, don't go shopping, don't use the Internet. Just stay at home and read a book or watch a DVD. If everyone participates there will be a lot of homophobic women walking around that day with terrible haircuts and hideous outfits and unable to get a decent apple martini. And Banana Republic will probably go out of business. Seriously, a lot of people don't realize how empty their lives would be without gays. Could they live without us for one day? Probably. But it would be interesting to find out.

OK, so let's meet this season's lesbians! Where are my lesbians?

Jamie: "Here I am!"

One lesbian? Really? That can't be right.

Richard: "Don't worry, I'm so gay you won't even miss all the lesbians! No, really, I'm super super gay! I'm not kidding! I'm totally into everything gay! I like rainbow flags and Judy Garland and, oh my god, I would totally have sex with Tom Colicchio! Tom is so yummy I want to have sex with him right now! THAT is how gay I am!"

I can't argue with that kind of evidence.

Patrick rounds out our trio of gays/lesbians:

Patrick: "Don't you think it's time for someone with a lot of heart and absolutely no experience to win Top Chef?"

Yeah, no, that's not going to happen. But thanks for playing.

Fabio is Italian:

Fabio: "I can't believe it's not butter."

Eugene is from Hawaii and has lots of tattoos.

Jeff thinks he has amazing hair.

Radhika is Indian. No, Indian Indian, you know, like, from India:

Radhika: "People think because I'm Indian I'm going to make a lot of spicy curries. And I probably will."

Lauren's husband is currently deployed in Iraq:

Lauren: "I didn't want to sit at home by myself so I figured I might as well enter a cooking competition."

Sure, why not.

Ariane is from New Jersey and has two daughters.

Danny is from New York and he doesn't feel he's appreciated:

Danny: "Everyone always assumes I'm gay because of the industry I work in so I'm going to talk about football . . ."

No, Danny, this is the one Bravo show where you don't have to worry about that.

Danny: "Oh, right. Never mind. Well, I just hope people notice me."

Carla is a caterer.

Leah doesn't want to look like a little bitch.

Stefan is European:

Stefan: "Well, of course I am European, you son of a silly person! Why do you think I talk in this ridiculous accent? I blow my nose at you. Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries."

Why are you insulting me?

Stefan: "You think a vinaigrette is an emulsion! Stupid Americans! I fart in your general direction! Now, go away before I taunt you again!"

Fine. Forget it.

Padma tells us about the quickfire:

Richard: "Ooh, what's she wearing?"

Oh, please. Who cares.

Padma: "For the quickfire challenge, you will have to symbolically peel the city of New York. Your time begins NOW!"

The chefs run wildly through the city trying to figure out what Padma means. Some of them try taking the copper siding off the Statue of Liberty, others try acid washing the Empire State Building, and still others try undressing trannie hookers but that really doesn't have anything to do with the challenge.

Padma: "For heaven's sake! I was talking about peeling apples! They're sitting right there on the table!"

Oh, that makes sense. So they have a series of challenges where the chefs peel, dice, flambe, and juggle apples.

Radhika: "Everyone just assumed that because I'm Indian I would make a chutney. So that's what I did."

Lauren and Patrick, who trained together at the Culinary Institute of America, are the bottom two. Not great advertising for the CIA.

Jeff: "How's my hair?"

It's fine. So, anyway, Lauren is eliminated and the rest of the chefs pick knives with New York City neighborhoods that will inspire their ethnic dishes for the elimination challenge.

The chefs go shopping and then go to the Top Chef kitchen, where nothing too exciting happens. Ariane watches a pot boil, Patrick screws up cooking noodles, and Jeff realizes it takes longer than five seconds to plate food.

At judges' table are Tom, Gail, Padma, and Jean-Georges. The chefs go head to head:

Stefan beats Ariane making Middle Eastern cuisine.
Jamie beats Richard making Greek cuisine.
Jill beats Radhika making Jamaican cuisine.
Hosea beats Carla making Russian cuisine.
Leah beats Melissa making Italian cuisine.
Daniel beats Patrick making Chinese cuisine.
Eugene beats Alex making Indian cuisine.
Jeff beats Fabio making Latin cuisine.

Fabio needs a translator to explain his dish:

Barbara Billingsley: "Excuse me, but I speak douche."

Oh, Barbara, that was uncalled for! I'm sure Fabio is very nice.

Ariane and Patrick are the bottom two:

Tom: "Ariane, your basic cooking skills are lacking. What would you do at home in New Jersey if someone asked you to make Middle Eastern food?"

Ariane: "I would look at a book."

Tom slaps Ariane in the face:

Tom: "How DARE you use that word in my presence!"

Ariane: "What word? Book?"

He slaps her again:

Tom: "We are chefs! We do not read!"

Patrick is out. Sorry Patrick.

Leah, Stefan, and Eugene are the top three and Stefan wins!

Stefan: "You silly Americans are always winning Top Chef. It's about time a European chef won!"

Tom: "The winner of the first elimination challenge always goes on to win the season so we're just going to go ahead and declare Stefan the Top Chef winner of season five!"

Wow! Congratulations, Stefan! Well, that was such an exciting season! See you for season six in Pittsburgh!