Top Chef New York, episode 10: Grain Drain (that's an oat reference)!

OK, so I'm not going to talk about that other Wednesday night show this week, although I do have to admit that I didn't watch this week's Top Chef until Thursday night because there was something else on television Wednesday. I won't say what it was but I can say that it rhymes with Schlost.

Last week Radhika was sent home and Josea and Leah did NOT hook up. I repeat: they did NOT hook up:

Leah: "We did NOT hook up!"

I just said that. So what happened?

Leah: "I don't think it's a secret that Josea and I are attracted to each other."

Mostly it isn't a secret because YOU KEEP TELLING US!"

Leah: "Well, anyway, one minute we are innocently snuggling on the sofa and the next thing you know I guess we are kissing."

That's so weird. So you had no control over what happened?

Leah: "Nope."

So, yeah, Josea and Leah are sitting in a tree K I S S I don't give a crap.

Padma: "This week we are celebrating the Super Bowl!"

What did the NFL have to give you for such an honor?

Padma: "Two tickets to a football game!"

Wow.

Padma: "I know, right? I negotiated that deal myself!"

I can't tell you how excited I am.

Padma: "Well, calm down. We have to sell some oatmeal."

What?

Padma: "You know. Superbowl? Oatmeal? What part don't you understand?"

Well, for some reason the chefs are making dishes with Quaker oats and the ingredients were supposed to be chosen using the patented Football Method. Let me explain: first you draw a grid on a chalk board, then you write ingredients down one side and you write "oats" over and over across the top, and then you just tell everyone that they are cooking with oats and you have a good laugh over how much time you just wasted. This is exactly why I don't watch football.

Fabio creates a pretty cool-looking dish of rolled, fried eggplant that the guest judge laughs at. Fabio does not take criticism well:

Fabio: "Nobody mocks the Fabio!"

Carla is worried about Jeff's creative monkeys:

Carla: "Those monkeys are out of control. I really wish he would do something about them because they are becoming a major distraction."

Chef Hung: "Hey, that's my monkey!"

Stefan wins the quickfire with his banana mousse. He doesn't win immunity. He wins the usual terrible advantage that will backfire on him.

This week the chefs will be sort of competing against some previous Top Chef contestants:

Padma: "And by competing we mean that it won't make any difference because one of you will be out whether you win or not."

The previous Top Chef contestants are being called "All Stars":

Padma: "And by 'All Stars' we mean 'losers.'"

The losers, I mean All Stars are:

Andrew - season 4
Josie - season 2
Andrea - season 1
Spike - season 4
Camille - I don't believe she was ever actually on Top Chef
Nikki - season 4
Miguel - possibly the worst Top Chef contestants ever

Jeff will be going head to head against Josie cooking dolphin.
Fabio and Spike will be packing for Green Bay.
Josea and Miguel will be cooking hawk.
Leah will be going head to head against Nikki cooking giant food.
Jamie and Camille will be cooking food for the San Francisco 69ers.
Carla will be going head to head against Andrew cooking for the New Orleans Saints.

The chefs start cooking. Jamie is going crazy:

Carla: "Now she knows what it's like to be me!"

Fabio is making monkey ass stuffed with fried banana:

Chef Hung: "Hey, that's my monkey!"

Andrew says something wacky that I couldn't quite make out. He's going to be peeing on your butt, or something like that. It doesn't really matter.

Andrea reveals that she was just playing a part on Top Chef:

Andrea: "Top Chef needed a vegetarian so I pretended to be one. I also pretended to be a really terrible cook because they needed to kick someone off the show."

Stefan picked Andrea because he thought she would be easy to beat. But he isn't taking any chances and tries to get her drunk. He also pretends that he is falling madly in love with her so he won't look like such a jerk. Needless to say, none of his plans work.

Fabio tells us why he needs to win Top Chef:

Fabio: "I need to win so I can afford to buy medicine for my sick momma."

Dude. So if the judges don't make you the Top Chef winner it will be like they are killing your mother? I feel terrible that your mother is sick but you can't say that.

Carla is meditating:

Stefan: "Hey, Carla, what are you doing, meditating?"

Carla: "Yeah, I'm meditating."

Stefan: "Because you look like you're meditating."

Carla: "Yeah, that's because I'm meditating."

Stefan: "Oh, well, I guess that would explain why you look like you're meditating."

Carla: "Yep, that's what I'm doing. Meditating."

Stefan: "OK, then."

The chefs cook head to head in rounds that are scored by the judges and by fans in a totally confusing method:

Padma: "First you win a touchdown with votes from the judges, unless it's tied, and then some members of the audience will be tasting and give you a field goal and possibly make the decision on the touchdown so you could get three points, seven points, or ten points and, oh, my head hurts."

In round one Leah gets the seven point touchdown and Nikki gets the three point field goal.
In round two Josea wins all ten points over the talentless Miguel.
In round three Carla gets seven points and Andrew gets three points from the stupid fans.
In round four Andrea gets all ten points from the fans over Stefan in a split decision from the judges.
In round five Jamie gets all ten points from the fans over Camille in a split decision from the judges.
In round five Josie wins all ten points over Jeff.
In round six Spike gets seven points but Fabio gets the three point field goal from the fans.

Season Five barely wins! Congratulations, Season Five!

At Judges' Table Carla wins!

Toby: "I tasted the love this time!"

Oh, my God, Toby, that was so sweet! Seriously, I'm crying a little bit I'm so happy for Carla!

Fabio is very defensive and claims that his medium-rare venison managed to cook to well-done by sitting for a couple of minutes on hot cabbage before the judges tasted it:

Fabio: "You have to eat my food within thirty seconds or it's ruined. You have a problem with that?"

I thought Fabio was going to be out for acting like such a jerk but he's safe.

Jeff is out. Sorry Jeff! We'll miss your magic tricks, your out-of-control monkeys, and your gorgeous head of thinning, blond hair. Have a safe trip back to the Dildo Beach Club in Miami.

Jeff: "It's Dilido."

I've heard it both ways.