Top Chef New York Finale Part 1: Tonight we eat in Hell!

OK, I just had a baby sleeping on my shoulder for half an hour at Disneyland. So cute! We went on Alice in Wonderland and I just have to say that ride is some freaky-ass shit. The poor baby woke up in the middle of the ride and he thought he was having an acid flashback. I think he'll be OK, though.

So, sorry I wasn't able to spend much time on this post but I had a birthday party today, I have out-of-town guests, the College Art Association annual convention is in Los Angeles this week, the Academy Awards are on, the dog ate my recap, and, oh yeah, this episode really wasn't very exciting.

Now, I know this episode of Top Chef was supposed to be part one of the finale but it was really just the challenge before the finale. The only difference between this and any other challenge was that they were in New Orleans.

So, last time Fabio won and Leah was finally eliminated:

Fabio: "Tonight we eat in hell!"

Leah: "Yeah, I was going to suggest you all go there."

It's down to the final four. Or is it?

The chefs spend several months picking out new hairstyles and then meet in New Orleans:

Fabio: "Tonight we get our hair styled in hell!"

Emeril is guest judge for the quick fire:

Emeril: "Your challenge is to create a new flavor for tooth paste. BAM!"

Jamie, Leah, and Jeff come back to compete for a second chance to go to the final.

Jeff wins the quickfire but to get to the final he has to win the elimination challenge.

Emeril has a book to sell. What a surprise.

The chefs have dinner at Emeril's restaurant and then the next day they go to a warehouse full of Mardi Gras floats.

Fabio: "Tonight we look at floats in hell!"

For the elimination challenge they have to create two dishes and one cocktail for the Krewe of Orpheus masquerade ball at the New Orleans Museum of Art.

Oh, and one more incentive: the winner gets a Toyota Venza. I'm pretty sure they just made up that car.

Fabio: "Tonight we drive a Toyota in hell!"

That's enough.

Tom goes into the kitchen to be his completely useless self:

Tom: "Carla should have steamed those oysters. Too bad nobody said anything to her."

OK, I know I've asked this before but WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF HAVING TOM IN THE KITCHEN? He does nothing!

Also, Hosea's roux isn't dark enough. It looks pretty damn dark to me but I guess it's not dark enough.

Carla is doing a non-alcoholic cocktail, which is a pretty big risk at a Mardi Gras party.

Gail is back! Yay!

Gail: "I heard there were cocktails!"

We go to the ball, where everyone is wearing a mask:

Fabio: "This reminds me of porn."

What terrible porn is Fabio watching?

Jeff made fried oysters, crawfish pot de creme, and a cucumber mojito.

Stefan made gumbo with grits, an apple beignet with pecan brittle, and a rum and black cherry cocktail.

Fabio made a sausage and rabbit maque choux with grits, pasta with crawfish, and a trinitini (bell pepper with rum).

Carla made a shrimp beignet, oyster stew, and a cranberry and lime spritzer.

Hosea made gumbo with cornbread, catfish with sweet potatoes, and a hurricane.

The judges liked all of jeff's dishes. They loved his fried oyster and his cucumber drink was everyone's favorite cocktail. Too bad it doesn't do him any good.

They thought Fabio's cocktail was too sweet and his dish wasn't spicy enough. However, they liked his freshly-made pasta and they liked his cocktail in theory, though not in execution.

The judges liked Stefan's grits but, other than that, they pretty much hated everything. And, on top of that, they think he's a total asshole:

Tom: "You seem a little over-confident."

Stefan: "Whatever."

Tom: "Wrong answer."

They liked Hosea's food. He comes in third, which means he'll be going on to part two of the finale, which is actually the finale.

They love everything about Carla's dishes. They even liked her nonalcoholic cocktail:

Gail: "I didn't mind that the cocktail was non-alcoholic. I thought it was so refreshing. Of course, I was already totally wasted when I drank it."

Seriously, if I had already had a few drinks, I wouldn't mind having a soft drink, either. But if I went to a party and all they had was soft drinks, I would be pissed off.

Carla wins! Congratulations, Carla! She wins a car! Wow, Carla is a real surprise; earlier this season I never would have predicted she would make it to the final! She's such a surprise, she could actually win the whole thing!

It's the end of team Europe. Either Fabio or Stefan will be out. And by the judges' reactions, it's pretty clear that Stefan's dishes and attitude were worse. I can't believe Stefan is going to be out! This is a shocking development! I thought Stefan would be this season's top chef and now he's not even going to make it to the finale. But the judges don't have any choice; Stefan was obviously the worst in this challenge.

Padma: "Fabio, please pack your knives and go."

What?