The Fashion Show, episode 4: blogging from the future!

They said it couldn't be done but I wouldn't listen! They said it would be too dangerous but I didn't care! I'm the only blogger brave or just plain foolhardy enough to attempt it! I'll be recapping this week's episode without actually viewing it! Please don't try this at home!

Yeah, sorry about this but I'm flying to Illinois Thursday so I won't be able to see episode 4 until I get back in a week. So this post will be completely fabricated, based on what I think might happen in this episode. See if you can tell the difference!

OK, so I did watch previews of the episode. Apparently this episode is about shoes. I'm going to say they have to make dresses out of shoes. Yeah, that's it.

But first, that Harper's lady comes in for the Bizarre Quickfire Challenge. For this mini challenge, they have to do the opposite of the elimination challenge and make shoes out of dresses. I'm going to predict that the Harper's lady mocks the designers and then gives immunity to Merlin.

So, for the elimination challenge, Isaac takes the designers on a field trip down to the famous Shoe District of Manhattan:

Isaac: "Designers, you each have forty-two thousand dollars to spend on shoes for this challenge. Spend it wisely."

The designers run around screaming like children let loose in a candy store. Except for Angel, who crawls into a corner and cries:

Angel: "These shoes are not avant-gardy enough!"

Back in the design room, the bitching begins:

Anna: "Hey, Daniella, look at that pleating on Andrew's dress."

Daniella: "Yeah, it's awful, isn't it?"

Anna: "No, I was going to say it looks just like the pleating on the skirt I did in the second challenge. It's on the waistband and it doesn't really look anything like the pleating on my skirt but, other than that, it's an exact copy!"

Daniella: "Oh, my god! You're right! He never could have come up with pleating on his own!"

Anna: "What should we do?"

Daniella: "Let's not speak to him or be his friend."

Anna: "That seems more like a favor than a punishment."

On to the fashion show:

Angel creates an avant-garde shirt dress, with little origami shoe trees pasted all over it.

Reco creates something fabulous in about an hour. He's the LensCrafters of fashion.

James-Paul creates something based on shapes because he loves shapes and thinks they are the big new thing.

Johnny creates a dress that is actually a giant shoe with a rack in it so you can hang up your other dresses.

Lidia creates a nice vintagy looking shoe dress.

Anna was so worried about what Andrew was doing that she forgot to make anything.

Daniella creates something for young people because she's young and knows what young people like.

Andrew creates a pleated shoe.

Merlin creates something with feathers and a live crocodile.

Haven creates something but I can't explain it.

Reco wins and Andrew is sent home.

Then, at the end of the episode there is an amazing twist: it was all a dream:

Fern: "So I had this terrible dream that I was on a show with Isaac Mizrahi and you were there and you were there and it wasn't Project Runway and I couldn't figure out why I was wasting my time."

The Fashion Show, Episode Three: The Prick Up Your Sleeve!

There was something wrong with this episode. The elimination challenge was good, there were several garments I loved, and there was an adequate amount of bitchiness. And yet something was wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Kelly: "Was I not in the episode enough?"

No, that wasn't it.

Isaac: "I should have acted more disappointed in the designers, right?"

No, that's not it, either.

Fern: "I'll tell you what was wrong with this episode. It was boring as shit."

That's it! Thank you, Fern!

Seriously, this was not the best episode. Anyway, last week Laura was out for using red tulle and ruining an otherwise horrible dress and Johnny is still hanging by a thread for not knowing how to sew and for being kind of a douche about it:

Johnny: "I assumed I would have a sweatshop full of third-world children turning my vision into reality."

Yeah, there are several designers in this group who are almost proud of the fact they can't sew.

We start this episode with everyone complaining about the teams:

Reco: "Why, oh why did I have to be so tall? If my neck weren't so damn long, I could be on team Little People and I wouldn't be stuck with these losers!"

Poor Reco. It's a curse to be that talented.

Reco: "And good looking."

Right. So anyway ... oh, look, it's Isaac:

Isaac: "No rest for the chic. Laugh at my joke, people!"

For the Bizarre Quickfire Challenge, the designers have to repair four ugly suits. OK, I loved last week's challenge, choosing between the cheap and the expensive clothes, but this challenge is stupid.

Reco's teammates were a mess:

Markus: "Oh, my god, I just poked my eye out!"

With a sewing needle?

Markus: "Yes, I'm really uncoordinated!"

Lidia wins. Did she win something? Immunity?

Isaac and Kelly start their routine:

Kelly: "Wow, Isaac, that certainly is a jacket you're wearing."

Isaac: "No, you're supposed to say that it's a fabulous jacket I'm wearing."

Kelly: "But I hate it."

Isaac: "Well, speaking of fabulous jackets ..."

Kelly: "We weren't."

Isaac: "Yes, well, anyway, for the elimination challenge, you will be creating outerwear for each season of the year."

The coats have to have some special feature so that they can do something other than just being coats. Could you give us an example of what you're talking about?

Isaac: "I'd like to have a coat that can fly."

Kelly: "I'd like to have a coat made out of beef jerky so I can eat it when I get hungry."

Well, that makes sense.

Kelly: "God, I love beef jerky."

Reco is carrying his entire team. Or so the editing would make it appear:

Reco: "I'm designing and making all the coats for my team because I'm working with a bunch of losers. But I don't mind taking time out of my busy schedule to remind you how talented I am."

Yes, you're talented.

Reco: "And charming."

Of course.

Daniella is frustrated as team leader because her teammates are actually taking her suggestions:

Daniella: "Andrew won't do what I tell him. I keep telling him to make a short coat that transforms into a trench and he won't listen."

Andrew: "OK, fine! I'll do it!"

Daniella: "Oh, my god! You totally stole my idea!"

The designers are having problems with the challenge:

Keith: "I don't want my coat to be a refrigerator. However, I wouldn't say no to my underpants being a microwave."

Isaac is trying to get Haven to tell him about her coat:

Isaac: "Can you explain the shape?"

Haven: "No."

Isaac: "Do you mean you can't explain it or you refuse to explain it?"

Haven: "Could you repeat the question?"

On to the fashion show:

Keith created a metallic summer coat with a cape that can be used to grill meat. I can't describe how horrific it is.

Andrew created a really great coat that was short and puffy and then transformed into a long trench. It didn't look gimmicky; it looked completely wearable. He did a great job!

Daniella: "It was all my idea."

Shut it.

Anna created a very cute little coat with crap stuffed into the puffy sleeves.

Daniella created another coat with crap on the sleeves, except hers is awful.

Angel created a coat that transforms into another coat that looks almost the same but with a broken zipper hanging off the back.

Lidia created a cute plastic raincoat that she promised us was going to turn into an umbrella but didn't. Very disappointing.

Merlin created something black so that I couldn't make out any of the detail. Note to designers: don't use black fabric for complicated garments. It just looks like a big blob on television. Even in HD!

James-Paul created a sleeping bag that can also be used as a sleeping bag. Seriously, I love it!

Johnny created a shoe organizer that really shouldn't ever be worn as a coat.

Haven created a really stupid coat that didn't really do anything interesting. I didn't mind the shape but it was just so boring. What's her excuse? She's addicted to hairspray. And possibly also crack.

Markus created a big mess.

Reco created a really hot ski suit with a cape that becomes a blanket/espresso maker. I love jumpsuits! This is the judges' favorite:

Reco: "Well, I hate to brag but I think it turned out pretty good."

Oh, stop being so modest, Reco!

Daniella's team wins. Andrew had the winning design. Congratulations, Andrew!

Daniella: "Actually, I really hate to do this but that was totally my design."

Isaac: "Why do you keep doing that? You're on the winning team every damn week! Why can't you just be happy about it and shut your cake hole?"

Markus is out. He's a dreamer, not a designer. He's also a lover and not a fighter.

Tune in next week when, god willing, something interesting happens.

The Fashion Show, episode two of the first and only season (just kidding): Social-Lite (looks great, less thinking)!

Get ready for the most shocking episode of The Fashion Show ever! EVER!

Isaac Mizrahi: "Well, I am so disappointed!"

You thought the clothes were bad again this week?

Isaac: "No, I'm so disappointed that Craigslist got rid of the erotic services section!"

OK, picture it: Sicily, 1984. Kristin thinks she has just invented the versatile black knit tube dress:

Kristin: "I don't know what was wrong with my tube dress idea. You could wear it as a skirt or a dress or a scarf or a turban or one half of a pair of leggings ..."

Yeah, or you could make a brooch or a pterodactyl, we get it, it's versatile. The thing is, there's a reason it didn't take off in the 1980s. Most women don't need one ugly garment that can be transformed into several different ugly garments.

Kristin: "You know what? I don't need this shit. I'm going home."

Well, now I feel bad. Seriously, I did not see that coming.

Other Eric: "You didn't see that coming? They announced last week that someone would be going home this week."

Someone is supposed to go home every week. That's the point of the show.

Other Eric: "No, they said someone was quitting."

Really? Well, like I've said before, I'm not this clueless by accident. I work hard at it.

Anyway, I'm really sorry Kristin felt she had to leave. Obviously, Isaac's critique of her outfit last week was completely out of line but who could know she was going to be this sensitive? I wish she had hung in there a little longer. We wish you well, Kristin!

On to the show:

Isaac: "Remember how much you loved working in your teams last time? You don't? Trust me, you loved it. Well, you get to work in those same teams this week! And since Team Sausage Casing is down two members, we have a special surprise for James-Paul. Because you won last week, James-Paul, you get to choose someone to change teams!"

James-Paul: "Wow. What a treat."

Daniella uses her Jedi mind tricks:

Daniella: "You will pick me to change teams."

James-Paul: "I will pick Daniella to change teams."

Daniella: "this is almost too easy."

Harper's Bizarre Quickfire Challenge:

The teams will have to pick garments out of a box and create one outfit with pieces totaling several thousand dollars and one similar outfit worth one tenth of that. Super fun challenge that sounds so easy but apparently isn't:

Markus: "This outfit smells expensive!"

Wrong!

Team Bolero wins! They will get a little extra money to spend in the elimination challenge.

The teams pick their leaders:

Team Little People is Angel, Lidia, Merlin, and James-Paul, with James-Paul as the leader.

Reco: "I don't like the little people."

Well, that's just prejudiced.

Reco: "I can't be prejudiced. I drive a Prius."

James-Paul: "The theme of our collection will be Stealth Fighter, which is this plane that was invented a couple of years ago."

OK, I know it sometimes seems like the 1980s were just a couple of years ago except that, wait a minute, no, it doesn't. The B-2 Bomber was developed before James-Paul was born.

Team Die-Nasty is Johnny, Reco, Markus, Laura, and Haven, with Haven as the leader:

Haven: "My inspiration is me!"

Huh?

Haven: "You know! Me! Linda Evans and me. Linda Evans and me wearing shoulder pads and bitch-slapping each other in a fountain."

OK, I think I speak for everyone when I say yeah, we'd like to see that.

Team Sausage Casing is Andrew, Daniella, Keith, and Anna, with Anna as the leader:

Anna: "We have no inspiration."

Fair enough.

Some socialite enters the design room. I've never heard of her. But I did let my subscription to Guns and Ammo and Socialites expire so I might have missed something.

The designers have $40 each (or $50 in the case of Team Little People) to create outfits for the socialite's busy socialiting schedule:

Socialite: "Oh, my god, I am, like, so busy! Tomorrow I'm eating lunch and then on Friday I'm getting waxed and then next week I'm designing a line of jewelry and releasing my newest sex tape!"

Where does she find the time?

Anyway, the important thing to know about our socialite is that she likes to dress like a whore and she thinks everyone is obsessed with her hair:

Socialite: "People are always saying that what's on my head is more interesting than what's in my head. People are so sweet!"

Someone get me the TRESemmé shine spray! Stat!

Laura wants to use red tulle on her dress. Everyone tells her not to use it because it's awful:

Laura: "I don't understand what you are saying."

Everyone: "Don't use the red tulle! It's awful!"

Laura: "OK, you don't have to yell! I heard you the first five times! You said you kind of like the red tulle but you're not absolutely sure about how much of it I should use, right?"

Everyone: "No! We hate it! Don't use it! DO NOT USE IT!"

Laura: "I feel like you are trying to tell me something. Could you please stop being so vague?"

Everyone: "Please don't use the red tulle. We are begging you not to use it."

Laura: "Got it. Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to putting the red tulle on my dress."

During the commercial break, we learn that Isaac only sleeps four hours a day:

Isaac: "It's the four hours I'm filming this show. Can you tell?"

On to the fashion show:

The huge stars in the audience include a TRESemmé stylist. I wonder how they scored her!

Johnny's model's boobs are falling out but Reco happens to have some duct tape:

Reco: "Honey, I never leave the house without duct tape."

Angel's dress for an art gallery opening is beautiful! Close up you can see that the fabrication and construction are not really high end but from a few feet away, it looks great! And I'm glad she didn't put paper airplanes on it. Fern thinks it's a little dressy for a gallery opening and I don't disagree with her. I guess most people don't wear cocktail dresses to gallery openings. But some people do so I think it's perfectly appropriate.

Merlin's ladies luncheon dress is just weird. I guess it's not bad.

James-Paul's rock concert outfit is bad. He thinks it's too conceptual but it's really just too unflattering. it makes the model look wide and it's not as interesting as he thinks it is. And nobody would wear it to a rock concert.

Lidia's charity gala dress is pretty basic pageant wear, slit up to her hoohoo. It looks cheap (which, of course, it was).

Anna's ladies luncheon look is a skirt with pleating detail and a purple blouse. It's appropriate for lunch and the skirt is pretty.

Andrew's little black dress for an art gallery opening is appropriate for the occasion and Isaac likes it but I think it's dull.

Daniella's rock concert look is a short bustier jumpsuit. you know how I love jumpsuits but this one isn't doing it for me.

Keith's pewter strapless gown for a charity gala is OK.

Johnny's look for an art gallery opening is a mess. The skirt is kind of cute but the top is just pasted on and Isaac is freaking out over the fact that it's just pinned together.

Markus's ladies luncheon dress looks like a paper bag.

Haven's movie screening look is shorts with a pink top. The only thing I can think to say about this outfit is that it didn't require much fabric.

Laura's rock concert look is a totally clichéd black dress with the stupid red tulle ruffle everyone warned her about.

Reco's charity gala gown is obviously well made. I just don't get it.

Judges' Table:

I have to stop a moment to comment on what Lidia is wearing. It's a gold pleated dress with a crinoline. It's gorgeous! Did she make it or is it vintage? Does anyone know?

Anyway, Anna's team wins! Daniella wins the challenge! Congratulations, Daniella!

Haven's team, Team Die-Nasty, is on the bottom. The bottom three are Laura, Markus, and Johnny. All three are total crap but I guess Johnny and Markus were at least trying to do something a little more interesting. Laura's dress looked like a reject from an old music video.

Johnny nearly blows it:

Isaac: "Johnny, the construction of your garment is terrible."

Johnny: "Well, I'm a designer. I didn't know this was going to be The Seamstress Show."

Isaac: "Haven't you ever watched this show before?"

Johnny: "No. This is the first season of this show."

Isaac: "Oh, you know what I mean! Don't fuck with me! I only sleep four hours a night and I'm tired!"

Laura is out.

Laura: "I don't understand. Did they like the red tulle ruffle or not?"

The Fashion Show, Season One, Premiere: I guess I'm buying it!

If you are like me, you've probably been saying to yourself, "You know, I love Bravo's reality competition shows like Top Chef and Shear Genius but I wish there were a similar show with fashion designers! I know; genius idea, right? Well, guess what? Our prayers have finally been answered and Bravo now brings us The Fashion Show staring Isaac Mizrahi!

Just like Top Chef, there will be a quickfire challenge. Also like Top Chef, the "mentor" will also be a judge, which explains why he will be providing absolutely no helpful advice to the contestants while they are working.

The biggest innovation will be the $125,000 prize:

Andy Cohen: "$100,000 is so last season."

Seriously, what can you buy with $100,000 these days? After you've bought a Saturn and a four-bedroom pool-home in San Bernardino, you would barely have enough left over to buy Isaac Mizrahi's entire line at Target. That extra $25,000 really makes a difference.

First, let's meet the hosts/judges:

Isaac Mizrahi: "I'm a famous fashion designer. Clap for me."

Kelly Rowland: "I've worn clothes before."

Fern Mallis: "I invented fashion shows."

Fantastic. Now let's meet the designtestants (that's my clever take on "cheftestants"). I'll be describing them by their most obvious and superficial attributes so we can tell them apart:

Kristin: She's the total nightmare with the red streak in her hair who thinks she's the normal one. Kristin runs her own company, which "takes a lot of hard work" because she's 23 (apparently, it would be easier if she were another age).

James-Paul: He's the one who wants to be the next Christian. His design aesthetic is totally postcolonialist. Don't ask. He worked for Vivian Westwood (subtext: "I worked for Vivian Fucking Westwood, bitches!").

Merlin: Merlin is self-taught because he wasn't accepted to gay superhero school.

Lidia: She's the one who looks like Salma Hayek. She designs clothes for avant-gardes.

Reco: He's the black bald guy with the amazingly long neck. He used stripping to work his way through school. Yes, a tale as old as time. OK, so he was actually designing clothes for strippers and not actually stripping but close enough.

Keith: He's the one with stupid rocker hair. He is an eveningwear designer.

Laura: She has black curly hair. Laura is an eco-friendly designer. You're welcome, earth.

Johnny R.: He's the one who looks like John Belushi dressed as a samurai. He dropped out of school so he could devote all his energy to reviving the harem-pant. Again, you're welcome, earth.

Jonny: He's the one who will have to go because we already have a Johnny. He designs men's suits but it doesn't matter.

Haven: She's blond. She is inspired by the 80s. I just hope it's the 1880s.

Markus: He wears glasses sometimes. He went to the best fashion design school on earth. Still not as good as the school on Uranus, though.

Angel: She's the Asian woman with short hair. She works with invisible ink or something.

Daniella: She thinks you are old.

Anna: She's the one with mousy brown hair.

Andrew Panty: He is called the panty-Christ, which is a clever play on his last name.

And on to the show:

Isaac Mizrahi and Kelly Rowland enter the design room. The designers apparently had no idea who the hosts would be and are obviously excited to meet a fashion icon like Kelly.

Isaac: "So, listen up. This show is about wearability and saleability. I don't want to see all the weird-ass shit you see on other shows. Got it?"

Harper's Bizarre Quickfire Challenge:

The quickfire challenge will be designing a little black dress out of a little black cotton T-shirt. It sounds like a fun challenge but apparently they can work with more than one shirt so it really is just about designing with black cotton jersey, which really isn't that exciting. I'd like to see them rework one large shirt into a little dress.

Laura Brown of Harper's judges the results. After making a bunch of pointlessly snide comments that only she finds amusing, she picks Merlin, Keith, and Johnny R. as the best. I thought Merlin's was very pretty.

Those three designers will be team leaders in the elimination challenge:

Isaac: "Come on, that's a great advantage, right?"

No, Isaac, anyone who has ever seen a reality competition show knows it is not a great advantage.

So, on to the elimination challenge:

Isaac: "Every season, when I start designing my line, I always think about what will be that one must-have piece."

Kelly: "Me, me, me. Can you ever talk about anything other than yourself, Isaac?"

The teams have to create a must-have piece that will be worn in five different looks. Genius challenge.

Team Hammer Pants is Johnny R., Reco, Markus, Haven, and Laura. Johnny decides that the must-have piece will be a grey satin harem pant. It's so crazy it just might work.

Team Sausage Casing is Keith, Andrew, Jonny, and Anna. Team leader Keith wants to do a simple pencil skirt but team nightmare Kristin decides that the must-have piece should be a reversible doubled double-knit tube dress that will be so tight it can never be removed. I guess there is some logic to the idea that if you make a garment that women can't take off, they will be forced to wear it with everything else they own. But it's more of a must-continue-to-wear piece than a must-have piece.

Team Bolero is Merlin, Angel, James-Paul, Lidia, and Daniella. The first idea for a vest is fortunately shot down by team know-it-all Daniella. Then they discuss a collarless jacket, which immediately makes me cringe but then they narrow it down to a bolero jacket, which gets my approval. Team pain-in-the-ass Daniella then decides on the color and reminds everyone that they are old.

Daniella and Merlin fight over the length of the bolero jacket, the age-appropriateness of what Daniella is wearing, and the fact than Merlin claims to be male. Merlin makes a bitchy comment about male domination because he's crazy and says weird things sometimes and Daniella will bring this up later for absolutely no reason.

The morning of the fashion show, the designers all help Kristin get dressed and then they head down to the TRESemmé studios or something and get the models into hair and makeup:

Some Gay Hairstylist: "Hey, Katie, could you get me the TRESemmé Shine Spray?"

Katie: "What the fuck is that?"

Gay Hairstylist: "Jesus Christ, Katie, it's the product placement! Will you just pretend to get it for me? It's not like I'm actually going to use it."

On to the runway. Sorry, I mean on to the fashion show:

Reco: Simple tank and a beautiful jacket with a big dramatic collar over the harem pant. The color combination is really nice. This is about as good as a satin harem pant is going to look.
Laura: Layered knitwear over the harem pants. The gathering at the waist is not flattering but, overall, it's another pretty good look that distracts from the silly harem pant.
Johnny R.: The worst of the harem pant looks. The waist on the pant is awful and the top is ugly. I think his harem pant idea was interesting but this look is bad.
Haven: Almost as bad as Johnny's. Very similar looks.
Markus: Not quite as bad as the previous two but still pretty bad. The top is cheap looking and the pant is pulled up too high.
Kristin: Kind of sloppy and you can barely see the must-have skirt.
Jonny: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Keith: I guess it could be worse. Just not much to it.
Anna: Red jacket over the black tube. It's fine.
Andrew: Pretty white top over black tube skirt. It's nice but boring.
Daniella: Kind of boring outfit with the navy bolero over a red top and pants.
Merlin: The bolero is paired with a little navy dress/puffy shorts outfit with red trim. It's not exactly wearable but it's pretty cute. I like it.
Angel: She paired the bolero with a shiffon top and a pretty skirt. It's OK.
James-Paul: Beautiful black dress. I love the dress. I don't get the pairing with the navy bolero. It doesn't look bad with the bolero because they are both dark and blend together but it just seems random.
Lidia: She paired the bolero with a big, puffy pink top that gave the outfit really bad proportions. I hated it.

On to the judging:

Isaac: "You all embarrased me. I can never show my face in public again. Do you know how many important people were in that audience? How could you do this to me? After all I've given you! After the show, I felt the only way to remove eternal shame from the Mizrahi family was to commit hari kari. Fortunately, Fern Mallis is built like a linebacker and she took me down before I could harm myself. I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson from this."

Team Bolero wins!

Daniella: "It's not my fault!"

Isaac: "Daniella, your team won."

Daniella: "Yes, and I just want to make it clear that it's not my fault. Merlin is mean and he said something that hurt my feelings so I think he should take the blame."

Isaac: "YOUR TEAM WON!"

Daniella: "Whatever."

Merlin and James-Paul had the top two designs and James-Paul wins! Congratulations James Paul!

Kelly: "Some version of this design that barely resembles your original will be on sale at Bravo.com."

Kristin and Jonny are the bottom two. Based on which one is the biggest total nightmare, I think Kristin should be out. But based on their completed garments, it's pretty clear Jonny is at the bottom:

Isaac: "Jonny, you ruined the best part of a woman."

You mean her mind?

Isaac: "No, her breasts."

Oh, right. Jonny's out. Apparently, we're just not buying it.

Who Wants To Be a Fashion Show!

Yes, the network that brought us the hit show "So You Think You Can Supermodel" brings us the next big PR rip-off "Fashion: The Show" and I can't wait to watch!

I don't know much about it but, just from the title, I suspect it will have something to do with fashion. We'll see!

The good people at Blogging Project Runway will be covering the show on their new site Blogging Bravo.

It looks like Tom&Lorenzo will also be covering the show on Project Rungay.

And I think I will be recapping it so tune in this weekend!