2009 Recap (A Holiday Newsletter from Eric3000!)

Dear readers,

As you all know, the Mayan calendar will be ending in 2012. Did anyone happen to pick up the new 2013 Mayan calendar while they were at Target? No? Well, then we’re all doomed. All we can do now is try to avoid international landmarks, such as the pyramids, that big Jesus statue in Brazil, and the city of Los Angeles. Those are always the first to go. Rest assured that some secret organization will save the most important thing on earth: the Mona Lisa.

What a year. My long personal nightmare of having a secure job with good benefits is finally, finally over. Yes, after fourteen years at the Getty, the funding for the research project I was working on was cut and I am at last free to pursue my dream of full-time blogging. I made over six dollars at it this year and now that I have more free time, I’m sure I can make twice that much next year! Still, I wouldn’t say no to a regular paycheck, so if you happen to be in the market for an art historian, keep me in mind. My skills include, but are not limited to, the ability to read magazines for extended periods of time.

Like most people, I started the year standing in line at Sephora. Fortunately, I was standing behind the actress Markie Post. And if you have to stand in line for half an hour at a store with the slowest customer service on earth to buy a small tub of a hair product that costs more than caviar (the product is called Dirt and for that price there should be real dirt in it, am I right?), there are worse people to be standing behind than Markie Post. Stars: they hum along to the music they play in stores ... JUST LIKE US!

But, obviously, being from Los Angeles, I would get the best celebrity sighting when I visit my family in Illinois. This summer I had dinner with my sister and cousins in Chicago and shared a communal table with some of the contestants from one of my favorite shows, Top Chef; I went shopping at H&M with Joan Cusack; and I got to meet TLC’s Doug Wilson at his bar and restaurant in central Illinois. While in Illinois I also got to ride an Amtrack train, which is a treat for someone from a city with close to the worst public transportation on earth. Apparently, all the guys on the train with matching sweatpants were just-released prisoners and I got to sit next to one! Jealous?

My most interesting art-related trip this year was when I visited a friend in Texas and we spent a weekend driving across the state to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere called Marfa, which is a full day’s drive from, well, basically, anywhere. It’s hard to describe how far into the middle of nowhere this place is. We stayed at the Hotel Paisano, which is where James Dean, Rock Hudson, and Elizabeth Taylor stayed while filming “Giant.” The reason we made the trip was to visit the Chinati Foundation, which is a huge art complex founded by the installation artist Donald Judd. It was two days of driving for one day of looking at art but it was worth it. We also spent a few hours in the evening trying to see the famous Marfa Lights, which are either an atmospheric effect, space aliens, or a hoax to see how long tourists will stand out in the cold staring at nothing (answer: pretty long).

In June, Other Eric and I took a relaxing vacation with some friends to Maui. I haven’t been to Maui since I was a child, so it was a nice getaway to someplace new, combined with the familiarity of my home state. We got to swim with turtles, go to the top of the dormant volcano Haleakala, and eat at a local chain called Zippy’s, where I ordered the diet plate: chili, rice, macaroni salad, fried chicken, and SPAM. We also drove the famous Road to Hana. What do you get at the end of the Road to Hana? You get a T-shirt that says, “I survived the Road to Hana.” It is an accomplishment. It’s a very narrow, winding road with over fifty one-lane bridges. It rained the whole way to Hana but the only eventful part of the journey was when construction work closed the road for a while, forcing me to climb into the back seat and pee in a water bottle. It completely scandalized Other Eric but didn’t faze anyone else when I told the story that night. Anyway, we drove right past Hana (and the T-shirts) and went on a four mile hike through a bamboo forrest, which we did in flip-flops. I told Other Eric not to bother taking shoes and after a few miles he was ready to kick my butt, except his feet hurt to much. I remember while growing up we would go hiking in flip-flops (or slippers, as they are known in Hawaii). We wore flip-flops for everything--sports, church, job interviews, fine dining, surgery--I only remember wearing shoes on Easter Sunday. If you didn’t like flip-flops, you were free to go barefoot! The point is, I’ll wear shoes the next time.

But the most amazing part of the trip was the road FROM Hana. We made a last-minute decision not to go back the way we came and, instead, continued going clockwise around Haleakala on the Piilani Highway. The Hana Highway is like Autopia at Disneyland compared to the back road of the Piilani Highway. It was completely closed for two years after a 2006 earthquake and only reopened a year ago; people are warned that they will void their rental car insurance; there is no radio or cellular service; and the dirt sections of the road completely wash out during the rainy season. Fortunately, although it rained all morning on the east side of the island, it was completely dry on the other side of the mountain. So the only thing we had to deal with was surviving the one-lane dirt sections with blind corners, where we were hanging off the edge of a cliff with no guardrail and no way to see if another car was coming in the other direction. It was probably the most exciting thing I’ve ever done. The scenery was breathtaking, driving over streams and lava flows, and we only came across three or four other cars during the entire two hour drive.

Well, that’s what I did this year. I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We celebrated the usual way: cooked all day, ate in 15 minutes, and then watched the parade on the DVR while my mom took photographs of the television screen so that it would feel like we were there. The big change this year is that I dry-brined the turkey instead of using Martha Stewart’s recipe that calls for covering the turkey with butter-basted cheesecloth. The Martha Stewart turkey always tasted good but it did have a tendency to catch on fire, which was a little inconvenient:

Martha Stewart: “Well, you probably weren’t using artisanal cheesecloth. And please don’t tell me you bought butter at the grocery store. What type of organic feed did you use while you were raising your turkey? WHAT?! YOU DIDN’T RAISE YOUR OWN TURKEY?! I give up. If you aren’t going to do anything properly, you can’t come crying to me when your turkey catches fire.”

Whatever, Martha. Anyway, the dry-brined turkey was very good and very easy (recipe from the Los Angeles Times). It’s much simpler than regular brining and less trouble than calling the fire department. Here’s what you’ll need: One turkey (if you didn’t realize you would need a turkey, this recipe is too advanced for you); three or four tablespoons of kosher salt (depending on the size of the turkey) ground together with sage, pepper, and bay leaves; and a fire pit tended by elderly French women (available at select Williams-Sonoma stores; alternatively, you can use a regular oven set to 325). All you have to do is rub the salt mixture all over the turkey and let it sit in a plastic bag for three days in the refrigerator. It even works with a frozen turkey; it will brine as it thaws. If you are like me, you may wonder what kind of bag to use. Well, you could do what I did and put the turkey in a tall kitchen trash bag, then do a Google search to find out if that was OK, and then freak out and go back to the store to get a brining bag. But I would recommend just getting a brining bag in the first place.

Happy holidays!

Project Runway Season Six, Finale, Part Two: This has been "How to trick your cheating husband and his mistress into murdering each other" on the Now Network, brought to you by Sprint.

Before we meet the next fashion designer who will immediately vanish into obscurity, let's get a recap of the season:

Heidi: "OK. Well, let's see. Little Sally Draper stole five dollars from her grandfather and then he died, Bree started having an affair with Susan's ex-husband at the same time that Katherine was trying to have an affair with Susan's current husband, and Kitty Walker got cancer and lost her hair. Oh, and the whole world blacked-out for about two minutes and had visions of the future! It's been a very exciting television season!"

Thanks, but I meant this season of Project Runway.

Heidi: "Oh, like anyone cares."

Anyway, we start this episode the same way we ended the last episode: with Carol Hannah throwing up:

Althea: "Carol Hannah was throwing up again."

Irina: "Really? Why?"

Althea: "Because she saw your collection. Why do you think? She's sick! Remember?"

Irina: "That's terrible. I sort of almost feel bad for her, you know?"

Althea: "Totally."

They get hair and makeup consultations:

Althea: "So, Tim, I got my hair and makeup consultation."

Tim: "Really? But Irina just had a hair and makeup consultation. It sounds like you just do everything Irina does."

Althea: "Um, OK, let's talk about the shoes I'm using."

Tim: "Shoes? But Irina is using shoes!"

Althea: "I give up."

The designers run around for a while and then Tim comes back for his mandatory pep talk:

Tim: "Gather 'round, designers. Tomorrow is the runway show. So let's get it over with and move on with our lives."

I think that was his worst pep talk since season four, when he asked the designers why they were breaking his heart.

They get to the tent at Bryant Park and the designers are running way behind. The models are not ready to go. Tim is freaking out:

Tim: "You kids are driving me crazy! Don't make me turn this tent around. I'm not joking; I will do it!"

Heidi comes out and tries to explain what she's wearing:

Heidi: "I chose this hot-pink monstrosity because of these ridiculous shoulder pads that manage to make me look like I have no neck. It conveys the feeling of shrugging in boredom, without going to all the effort."

The guest judge this season is the art nun, Sister Wendy Beckett! Oh, we love her!

Sister Wendy: "I have a confession to make: I have a passion for Poussin! [giggle]"

Isn't she adorable? But she has serious wimple hair going on there.

Althea introduces her collection:

Althea: "I was inspired by science fiction movies from the 1950s and how they saw the woman of tomorrow dressing yesterday if she thought yesterday was actually today and what that means for the future if the future were actually a long time ago. Thank you."

It's a good collection with some terrific pieces. Her pants and skirts, especially, showed some interesting silhouettes and seemed young and fresh. Was it mind-blowing? No. But still my pick for the winning collection.

Carol Hannah introduces her collection:

Carol Hannah: "I hope you like it."

Well, it's hard to dislike a bunch of pretty dresses. But there sure isn't much to get excited about.

Finally, Irina introduces her collection:

Irina: "Women: you can't live with them and you can't cover them in armor. Am I right?"

Irina showed a collection of beautiful burqas for the modern woman living in the city. At least I'm guessing they were burqas, because all I could see were black blobs walking down the runway:

Nina: "I thought we talked about this, Irina. I told you a couple of days ago that I didn't want to see an all black collection and yet you did it anyway. Why don't you just slap me in the face?"

Seriously, other than a couple of interesting sweaters, it was pretty basic Goth/dominatrix-wear. It seemed kind of dated.

After the show, we get some audience reaction. We catch up with Ari Fish. Did you happen to see her in the new Jack in the Box bowl commercial? At least I'm assuming that's the explanation for her haircut.

The judges talk to the designers and then announce the predetermined winner:

Heidi: "Congratulations, Irina. We decided you would win months ago. So you win."

Michael Kors: "Irina made hats and they were all the same but they were all a little different and that's what makes a collection."

Ugh. Whatever. Thanks for reading! See you in January for season seven!

Project Runway Season Six, Finale Part 1: I think I'm gonna barf!

Yes, I know that every episode this season has made us all want to vomit, but this episode has actual real-life puking!

Tim: "And I couldn't be more proud!"

Last time, Christopher and Gordana were out and Althea, Irina, and Carol Hannah are going to Mercedes-Benz New York Fashion Week at Bryant Park.

Heidi tells the three finalists that they will have a few months and nine thousand dollars to create a 12-piece collection.

Tim tries to describe how proud he is:

Tim: "I can't find the words. I've been looking for my thesaurus all morning but it's gone. Please let me know if you find it in the design room."

Tim visits Carol Hannah in Huntington, New York, where she moved from Charleston. She is inspired by the faux-Gothic-revival architecture of Duke University because it reminds her of fairies. Or something.

Carol Hannah asks Tim if he would like to help cook a traditional Southern meal:

Tim: "Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit! I'd be delighted!"

Next, Tim visits Irina in Manhattan and screams into an intercom:

Tim: "IRINA, IT'S TIM."

Irina: "WHAT?"

Tim: "TIM GUNN!"

Irina: "WHAT ABOUT HIM?"

Tim: "NO, I'M HERE AT YOUR BUILDING!"

Irina: "OH. WELL, COME UP."

Tim: "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE MANHATTAN IS SO LOUD! THIS GUY HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND ALL MORNING WITH A GODDAMN JACKHAMMER! I THINK HE EXPECTS A TIP!"

Irina is doing her usual knits and furs but she is also adding graphic tees with pictures of Barack Obama looking pensive yet determined:

Tim: "Irina, I'm afraid you stole that image from an AP photograph."

Irina: "It's called appropriation art, Tim! You just don't get it!"

Tim: "I don't care what you call it. The lawyers say you can't use it."

Next, Tim visits Althea in Dayton, Ohio. He almost dies in a freight elevator:

Tim: "This elevator is so ghetto."

Althea was inspired by costumes from movies:

Tim: "Althea, your clothes are looking a little too much like costumes from movies."

Althea: "Duh! That's my inspiration!"

Tim: "Why is everyone yelling at me?"

A few days before the runway show, Irina and Althea spend some uncomfortable moments in the hotel room:

Althea: "Hi, Irina. How are you?"

Irina: "Fine."

Althea: "Well, now we've completely run out of things to talk about. We'll just have to stand here looking awkward so the producers can turn this into major drama."

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Carol Hannah is patient zero for the swine flu. I just wanted to let you know that she's going to infect all of us and by next year it will be a major pandemic. Season six of Project Runway will be responsible for the deaths of fifty thousand people around the world. That's ten thousand more than season five."

This is the biggest tragedy since Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens, Live." A better name for that show would be "Andy Cohen Happens to be Unwatchable Live." Sorry for changing the subject, but I just watched that show for the first time today because Padma was on. I'm never going to make that mistake again.

Oh, wait, Tim has something to add:

Tim: "Let me just say that I couldn't be more proud."

Yeah, we know, Tim. Anyway, the next day Carol Hannah shows up in the design room to infect the other designers. Tim makes his rounds:

Althea's collection is looking old and dowdy:

Irina: "I had the idea of making old, dowdy clothes first!"

OK, seriously, Irina and Althea look like they are working on the same collection. It's Irina's knits combined with Althea's woven angled strips of fabric.

They cast their models and then Michael and Nina show up to tell the designers that they are doing everything wrong:

Michael: "Your runway show should be like going on a ride. If you've ever been in a car with Nina driving, you'll know what I'm talking about. The first look should say, 'Oh, my god, Nina, did you even look before you pulled out?!' and the second look should say, 'Jesus Christ, you're driving too fast!' The third look should say, "I think you wanted to turn left there' and the fourth look should say, 'Look out for the bike!' Finally, you'll want to end with a look that says, 'Nina, it's a red light. Nina? The light is red! NINA! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!'"

Nina: "Yeah, that is the last time I pick you up at the airport."

Nina doesn't want an all-black collection. So Irina just makes an entirely new collection:

Irina: "That would have been good advice to get several months ago but whatever."

Heidi visits the design room to announce the impending doom:

Heidi: "In a huge twist this season . . ."

They have to make a 13th look.

Heidi: "How did you know that?"

Seriously? Look, I'm perfectly fine with it but don't act like it's a surprise.

The big news this season is that the designer's main models will be casting the model for the 13th look. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Logan, Christopher, and Gordana are back to help. Logan is working with Althea, Gordana is working with Irina, and Christopher is working with Carol Hannah.

The designers walk to Mood:

Tim: "Notice that we are walking, unlike in Los Angeles, where we had to travel by hovercraft because most of the city has fallen into the Pacific ocean."

The designers visit Swatch, the dog! Cutest name for a dog, EVER!

On the model show, the models get to pick the 13th model for their designers:

Tanisha: "What is your ethnicity?"

Model: "Why do you ask?"

Tanisha: "Because I need someone really ethnic and I can't tell how ethnic you are just by looking at you."

Kalyn is tired of all these young, inexperienced models.

Lisa doesn't get her first choice of blond, willowy model so she's upset. Oh, my god, what a nail biter! Will Carol Hannah hate the model Lisa picks? The answer is no. Carol Hannah will be perfectly happy with the model, partly because the model is fine and partly because Carol Hannah has a very high fever and is hallucinating.

The models visit with their families and they tell us about growing up:

Kalyn: "I didn't go the usual route of going to college and getting a degree in modeling. I'm a self-taught model."

Tune in for the finale, when Tim gets very close to losing it:

Tim: "Obviously, I will not, in fact, lose it. But I will be in the general vicinity of losing it."

Project Runway, Season Six, Episode Twelve: Artful Dodging.

Our long national nightmare of the sixth season of Project Runway is almost over. Only one more excruciating challenge to get through and then we can move on to Fashion Week.

And rest assured, heart patients: nothing exciting or unpredictable is going to happen.

Last week Logan was out and Irina and Althea are not speaking to each other. Unfortunately, we still have to listen to them.

Heidi tells the designers about the challenge:

Heidi: "By the way, we've already decided who's going to Fashion Week so it really doesn't matter what you do for this challenge. Tim is going to take you to the Getty Center so you can be inspired by art or architecture or gardens or the view or basically anything else. Like I said, it doesn't matter."

They are at the Getty Center! Obviously on a Monday, because that's when the site is closed to the public. That means I was probably there! Unfortunately, I didn't know they were there and I didn't see anything. Oh, well.

Tim is standing with the designers and Antonio Villaraigosa in a spot that would probably be visible from my desk, if I had just bothered to stand up and look out the window.

Tim: "The mayor of Los Angeles came all the way up here just so he could be drowned out by voice-overs of you designers saying how exciting it is that the mayor is here!"

Antonio Villaraigosa: "Like I have anything better to do? Suck it, New York!"

Althea is inspired by the architecture of the site, which was designed by Richard Meier and opened in 1997. yawn.

Carol Hannah is inspired by an amazing French bed, ca.1775-1780. The upholstery, by the way, is not original. Don't quote me on this, but rumor has it this bed once belonged to Karl Lagerfeld.

Irina is making a dress inspired by a painting of a dress. boring. The painting is Mischief and Repose (1895) by John William Godward.

Christopher is inspired by a fountain in the museum courtyard. whoopee.

Christopher: "Nobody else would be able to find the beauty in a fountain at a museum that was specifically designed to be beautiful."

I'm screaming right now on the inside.

Christopher: "No, I'm talking about the algae."

That's not algae. The minerals in the water are staining the stone. It's supposed to do that. It's part of the design.

Christopher: "Well, I think I'm the only person who could find beauty in something ugly like graffiti or dirty water in a gutter."

Stop talking.

Gordana is inspired by an 1894 painting of Rouen Cathedral by Claude Monet:

Gordana: "It's so grey and boring. It reminds me of home."

Christopher is lonely as the only girl left in the boys apartment. But he doesn't know how lucky he is. Gordana and Irina became best friends, which means they are constantly having these fun arguments to prove what a cool friendship they have:

Irina: "God, Gordana, you always assume I'm making fun of you just because I probably am. You're such a pathetic moron. Ha ha!"

Gordana: "Oh, ha ha, I never get tired of your teasing, you evil cow!"

Carol Hannah: "Please stop that."

Oh, my god! Can you believe she just said that? Carol Hannah should mind her own damn business!

Carol Hannah: "I just want people to stop fighting."

Oh, yeah? You probably want peace in the Middle East, too, huh? Would that make you happy? God, you're so selfish.

We learn a little more about Irina:

Irina: "My family is from the Republic of I Don't Give a Rat's Ass. My father is a total misogynist so I'd love to win this competition because it would really drive a stake through his heart."

On to the runway. The judges are Nina, Cynthia Rowley, and home-furnishings icon Cindy Crawford.

Althea created a total disaster. I appreciate all the work that went into the skirt but fashion is more than just effort. She made a skirt out of lots of strips of fabric to represent modern architecture. Big deal. It's not an amazing concept. But if she had done it well, it could have worked. As it is, it looks awful. And I refuse to give her credit for "taking a risk" and decided to do something she clearly didn't have time to finish.

Carol Hannah made a stunningly boring evening gown. It's pretty and well made and so what?

Christopher made another dress out of the worst fabric available.

Gordana made a pretty evening gown that really relates to the Monet she used as inspiration. It's not terribly imaginative but I still think it's the best thing on the runway. However, It's looking a little Georgia-O'Keeffe-flower-painting, if you know what I mean. Let's see; how can I put this more delicately? It looks like a giant vagina. There, I said it.

Irina, at least, did not make a goddamn evening gown. But her dress still isn't great. The color is nice and I kind of like the classical look she was going for. But the dress should be light and airy; instead, it looks really thick and heavy. She needed to do something different with the lining. And, as the judges point out, the length is awful and the accessories are inexcusable.

The judges work really hard trying to figure out how to eliminate Gordana:

Nina: "I still don't know who Gordana is as a designer."

Gee, Nina, do you think that could have anything to do with the fact that you missed most of the season?

Nina: "That's one theory."

Heid tells everyone what they already know:

Heidi: "Christopher, do I even need to say it?"

Christopher: "I know. Goodbye."

Heidi: "Gordana, your dress was beautiful and you did the best job of representing your inspiration. You're out."

Gordana: "Of course."

So, Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah are going to Fashion Week based on their past work. Why did they even bother having this challenge? They basically said Gordana won this challenge but they eliminated her based on her work in previous challenges?

Heidi: "No, it was because the zipper on the back of the dress was not perfect."

Excuse me while I take a Xanax.

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Eleven: The Rest of the Rest!

That's right, this episode will feature all of this season's non-eliminated designers. Exciting!

Last week Irina won and Nicolas was sent home after he was shockingly unable to be inspired by a country he had never been to and knew nothing about.

Michael Kors: "It's so important to be reminded how inspiration works."

Right. And it's not like that.

In model news, we learn that everyone has a crush on Logan because he's a genuine human being and not because he's hot, Matar has big hair, and something went down that I'm sure will forever be known as Tape Gate. Yes, the scourge of the modelling world: double-sided tape. It starts with small amounts of spray adhesive or bits of Duct Tape but eventually they move on to the hard stuff and they can't break the habit. I look forward to the senate hearings on this important issue.

Kalyn: "I took the tape off! My breasts are plastic and that's why they look like cellophane!"

Tape Police (aka Katie): "Some day, when you least expect it, I will expose you to the world as a tape user!"

(OK, at first I thought I could see the tape sticking out after the runway, but now I'm pretty sure it was just the top of her pastie things. So I don't know which one of them is a raging psychopath. Probably both of them.)

We start this episode with the designers discussing that fact that there are only two guys left:

Christopher: "Yeah, and both of us should have been out weeks ago. How did this happen?"

Logan: "I know, right? What the hell are we still doing here?"

We start the challenge with the designers sitting with their backs to the runway. Another Project Runway first!

Christopher: "I can hear all this rustling."

Heidi: "Oh, that's just my ridiculous dress. You can turn around now."

The designers turn around to see their winning looks from past challenges. Or, in Logan's case, his least losing look.

Logan: "Seriously, why am I still here?"

The designers need to create a second look that complements their winning look (or, in Logan's case, his non-losing look).

Logan: "Yeah, I get it. You can stop doing that now."

Althea is working with her look from the Whatever challenge. It's a relaxed jacket with a cute pair of shorts and prominent bouncing breasts.

Irina is working with her Aspen look from the Constipation challenge.

Gordana is working with her shredded-lining look from the wedding dress challenge.

Christopher is working with his look from the challenge where they had to make dresses out of garbage bags. Oh, that wasn't the challenge?

Logan is working with his look from the Red Carpet challenge? Is that really the best thing he's done? Oh, dear.

Carol Hannah is working with her feathered gown from the Bob Mackie challenge.

The designers change their designs while they are picking out fabric:

Christopher: "I'm buying thirty yards of the cheapest, crappiest lining fabric I could find. I want it to look like my model is drowning in white garbage bags."

Irina: "I found this beautiful fabric. Unfortunately, I can only afford three square inches of it so it's going to be a very small dress."

Carol Hannah: "I really didn't want to make another dress."

Tim: "Well, can you do anything else?"

Carol Hannah: "Not really."

Tim: "Then I suggest you make a dress."

Then later, in the design room:

Carol Hannah: "I don't know what I'm doing."

Tim: "What happens if you put this fabric under that one? Ooh, that's beautiful! You just had a major breakthrough with this."

No, Tim, you just had a major breakthrough with that.

Althea is complaining about the fact that Carol Hannah only makes dresses and that Logan is completely stealing her previous design that had zippers on the collar:

Irina: "It's ironic that Althea is complaining about someone stealing from her, when she is totally stealing my bitchy personality."

Seriously, she should have just mentioned it to Logan when she noticed it. He obviously doesn't remember that she made that collar already. You know why? Because it was completely unmemorable.

On to the runway, where Heidi has obviously stolen Logan's idea to wear shiny silver pants to distract us from the fact that Michael Kors is gone again. There is so much stealing in this episode.

The designer judge this week is my arch-nemesis Nick Verreos. How's the Barbie dress business going, Nick?

Nick: "Shut up, bitch."

Carol Hannah sent down a cute dress designed by Tim Gunn. It's not an exciting design but it's well done and it looks beautiful up close.

Althea made another great look that is totally her aesthetic (follow the bouncing breasts). The bag-waisted pant was a huge risk and it turned out really well.

Irina made a minuscule dress under a huge sweater jacket. The dress fabric is beautiful but she obviously ran out of it and the patchiness at the bottom is not flattering.

Gordana made a really boring grey outfit. Some of the detailing on the jacket is really nice, but the overall design is terrible.

Logan went from boring to "oh, dear god, why?" Christopher is really going to have to step it up this week to create something even more awful than this.

Aaaand he does it! Christopher creates one of the most awful dresses I've ever seen!

Irina and Althea argue about the giant sweater jackets:

Irina: "There's a lot of borrowing of ideas in the design room lately."

Nick: "That happens. I steal other designers' work every day."

Althea wins! Congratulations, Althea. I think the judges got this right. This look was more fresh and interesting than the other two top designs.

Logan is out. Sorry to see you go, Logan:

Heidi: "I'm afraid your Mylar pants were not enough to save you this time."

Nick: "Call me."

So, Gordana is safe this week, though the judges really didn't like her boring look:

Nick: "She looks like an office worker in Poland."

That is so insulting. To Poland. What did Poland ever do to you, Nick?

Nick: "I just hate Poland. Poland can kiss my big gay ass."

Project Runway, Season Six, Episode Ten: The Constipation Challenge!

Michael Kors: "I've been constipated in glamorous locations all over the world! And that's what this challenge is all about: finding new ways to block you up creatively!"

Last week Carol Hannah won and Shirin was out. We are down to the final seven designers so it's time to start acting like this is a significant change from having eight designers:

Carol Hannah: "Now that we are down to seven, it's like the wolves are circling the sheep. But I don't know which of us are wolves and which are sheep. Maybe it's more like the boy who cried wolf? No, no, it's like a wolf is sheep's clothing. Except sheep don't wear clothing so I've never understood that saying. What was I talking about?"

Christopher: "Now that we are down to seven, I think I'm the underdog. With my complete lack of discernible talent, it's pretty exciting to still be here!"

Heidi: "Are you ready for your next challenge? Tim will take you to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills to meet a top designer who is known worldwide!"

Althea: "The possibilities are endless! So let's waste time discussing all of them!"

Christopher: "Rodeo Drive! There is so much wealth and power on one street! you won't find these upscale stores at a mall. Unless you go to an upscale mall."

Tim introduces Michael Kors:

Tim: "I'd like to welcome a familiar face! Where have you seen this face before, you ask? Well, you can see it on most of the old ladies in Beverly Hills who have had too much plastic surgery and spent too much time in the sun. I'm just kidding! I tease because I love!"

Michael Kors: "I am so inspired by my amazing jet-setting lifestyle that none of you will ever have!"

We are treated to a montage sequence of Michael Kors snowboarding in Aspen, wearing a speedo in St. Tropez, and of course, bungee jumping with Nancy Reagan in Dubai.

So the designers have to pick a location to be inspired by. I'm pretty sure that's not how inspiration works.

Carol Hannah decides to be inspired by Palm Beach.

Nicolas decides that he will somehow be inspired by Greece.

Althea is totally psyched to get all inspired by St. Tropez.

Gordana is going to be inspired as hell by New York.

Irina decides to be inspired by Aspen.

Christopher thinks he is going to be inspired by Santa Fe.

Logan is going to be inspired by Hollywood even if it kills him.

It's another stupid one day challenge and they get $150 for materials.

Irina buys some fake dead animals and Gordana buys some fake jewelry, because nothing says Park Avenue like rhinestones.

Back in the design room, Irina is very concerned that someone somewhere might be having a good time:

Irina: "Ugh. Everywhere I go, there are people laughing and enjoying themselves. It makes me sick."

Tim likes Althea's menswear look but he reminds her that it isn't actually menswear because no man would wear a chiffon dress shirt. Meanwhile, you can tell he's dying to try it on.

Christopher is well on his way to making another complete disaster.

Nicolas says he's doing something different but to me it looks like pants and a top.

Nicolas: "Well, someone could definitely wear this in Greece. Ooooh, I'm so creatively constipated!"

Irina consults Tim:

Irina: "Tim, what are you going to do about the fact that I'm the only talented one here?"

Tim: "Why are you like this?"

Michael and Nina are both back this week! Yay! And they are joined by world-famous fashion designer Milla Jovovich. Oh, yeah, you heard me. She's a fashion designer. Deal with it.

Logan made another perfectly acceptable outfit. Jeans, a sleeveless top, and a strange black vest thingy. It looks well made and completely wearable. And If I have trouble sleeping tonight, I'll try thinking about this outfit.

Althea made another pair of shorts that are too short. But I really like the chiffon top cut like a man's shirt. It's very cute and I can see someone wearing it at a cafe in St. Tropez.

Nicolas made a perfectly decent outfit that doesn't look inspired by anything.

Carol Hannah made a long flowing print dress that, as she points out, looks like something you could buy anywhere. It also looks like the dress Qristyl made for the beach challenge.

Other Eric: "It looks like an Uli Herzner original."

Me: "Yeah, if Uli were a costume designer on The Golden Girls."

Christopher made an outfit that looks like no effort went into it. It's just a simple brown skirt with some blue fabric draped over the shoulders for a top. Anyone could make this at home with a couple of yards of fabric. But who would want to? And even a year or two ago when this was filmed, this color combination was already dated.

Irina made an outfit that's a little bit of a cliche but it's well done and it looks good.

Gordana made a pretty cocktail dress that isn't especially inspiring.

Althea is safe; the other six are the top and bottom.

The judges think Irina's is a fantasy 1980s version of Aspen but they really like it.

Milla Jovovich likes Christopher's belt but the judges hate everything else about his outfit.

The judges love Carol Hanna's boring dress, for some reason.

Milla Jovovich likes Nicolas' top but the judges don't get the Greece reference:

Michael Kors: "It's more like the movie Grease."

How the hell is it like the movie Grease?

Michael: "You know the big roller-disco finale?"

That's not Grease.

Michael: "Give me a break! I'm contractually obligated to make a clever remark and I'm really jet-lagged."

The judges like Gordana's necklace.

Heidi: "We like Gordana's look but it's very important that I have something to criticize her about."

Milla Jovovich: "She lacks confidence."

Heidi: "Perfect."

The judges don't hate Logan's look but Milla wants him to spray paint the jeans and Michael wants him to "blow the jean's shape out," whatever that means. Heidi didn't mind it:

Milla Jovovich: "Well, if he ever goes on Project I Didn't Mind It, he'll definitely win."

Man, We all knew she was a world-famous fashion designer but who knew she was such a world-class wit? Where does she find the time?

Irina wins. That was the right decision this week.

Irina: "Ugh. You don't know how hard it is to be me. Now I have to top the amazing work I've already done. Sometimes I wish I were as talentless as the other designers. No matter what they do, it will be an improvement."

Nicolas is out. That was the wrong decision. His outfit had nothing to do with Greece but it wasn't a bad outfit. Christopher's outfit had nothing to do with the challenge AND it was completely awful. He's safe because he made a cute belt? I can usually figure out a justification for the judges' decisions but this time I can't.

Sorry, Nicolas.

Nicolas: "This is the last you've heard of me."

You know what, Nicolas? Screw you for being so funny I can't even mock you.

Project Runway, Season Six, Episode Nine: Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs.

This was a pretty boring episode. Other than the fact that Carol Hannah and Logan got married and had a baby, nothing happened.

Last week Christopher created a big silver balloon that reportedly floated away carrying a six-year-old boy but then it turned out the child was hiding in the attic the entire time. Christopher is safe.

We start this episode with some comments from the remaining designers. We learn that Christopher is just here to go to Fashion Week. It's refreshing that he at least realizes he's not going to win.

Carol Hannah doesn't think she is in the middle of the pack:

Carol Hannah: "Just because I haven't won any challenges and I haven't been at the bottom for any challenges doesn't mean I'm in the middle of the pack."

Actually, I think that's exactly what that means.

Heidi: "For this challenge, if you really want to shine, you look my outage to rast.

WHAT?!

Heidi: "I said your look must upstage the rest."

Wow, I had to listen to that six times to figure out what she said.

Then I thought she said the designers were meeting Tim for dinner but apparently I didn't hear that right, either. Instead, they meet Bob Mackie, which is nice but isn't as satisfying as a good meal. Nicolas faints because Bob Mackie is his idol. Also he probably needs to eat something. I'm just saying.

The designers have to create an extravagant stage look in the spirit of Bob Mackie for Christina Aguilera. They have $300 and two days.

Nicolas is so excited because he finally has the opportunity to make something really tacky and get away with it.

Christopher says he's creating an 80s prom dress with skulls, which would be fine if he actually did that. But he doesn't. Instead, he makes an ice skating Halloween costume. Whatever that is.

Gordana is either unravelled because her dress is frazzling or she is frazzled because her dress is unravelling. Either way, it's not good. She basically gives up on this challenge. Obviously, having immunity does not bring out her best work.

Tim thinks Nicolas has copied his winning ice queen dress:

Tim: "Nicolas, is this the dress? I thought you had pulled your old dress over here, even though I can see it over there. I'm so confused! Am I losing my mind?"

Yes. The dresses look nothing alike, other than the fact that they are both white. Also, the judges wouldn't recognize it, anyway, because they aren't the same judges.

Carol Hannah is going for the wow factor with a black dress in a simple silhouette. She's obviously going home.

Tim talks to Shirin:

Tim: "Shirin, I associate you with sophistication and excellence."

Shirin: "Really?"

Tim: "No, I'm joking. But seriously, even for you, this dress is crap."

Shirin: "Do I need to scrap it?"

Tim: "I'm not saying I think you should scrap it. I'm saying I think you should burn it."

Tim warns the designers:

Tim: "Work like there is no tomorrow. Because I passed out and had a vision of the future and one of you is not in it. I'm not saying that one of you will definitely be dead. But it's a possibility."

Irina says that Shirin is not even a designer. What the hell is Irina's problem?

Nicolas: "Let me explain what Irina's problem is. She's a bitch."

Thanks for clearing that up, Nicolas!

This week Nina is back, Christina Aguilera is the guest judge, and Bob Mackie is filling in for Michael, as well as serving as a second guest judge, since the challenge relates to both him and Christina. I think that's another Project Runway first, ladies and gentlemen. A boring first, but a first, nonetheless.

Althea made a long sequined gown with a train. It's pretty. Christina could wear it if she's singing a slow number next to a grand piano. Bob Mackie thinks it's clever that she used the reversed sequin fabric for the pattern. I think having sequins facing in would be painful, even with a lining.

Logan made a sequined animal print dress with a big fur collar. Christina thinks it looks like something a cavewoman would wear if she had a gay caveman stylist and access to a magical forest full of gay sequined animals. It's pretty bad.

Shirin made a black gown with glittery ruffled inserts on the skirt. To her credit, it's better than it was earlier. But it's still godawful.

Christopher made a removable bubble skirt over glittery panties. I don't mind the hotpants but I agree with the judges that the corset looks terrible. Christina thinks it's a fun look and gives him an F for effort or an A for agony, or something like that.

Nicolas made a short white skirt with feathers. It looks a little like an ice skating costume but it's pretty and well made.

Gordana made a cream-colored sequined sack of human misery.

Irina made a coat that we didn't really get to see and paired it with an ugly black dress that wouldn't even show up on stage. She was lucky that there were worse looks this week because this was pretty bad.

Carol Hannah made a long black dress with sequins and feathers. Black is not the most eye-catching thing to wear on stage but she made it work with the feathers, which catch the light and make a beautiful, subtle pattern.

The top two are Carol Hannah and Nicolas and Carol Hannah wins! Congratulations!

The bottom two are Shirin and Christopher. Gordana probably would have been out but she has immunity this week.

The judges think Shirin made a Halloween witch costume:

Heidi: "But an upscale Halloween witch costume."

Yeah, that sounds so much better.

Nina: "Shirin, I think you are really talented."

What are you basing that on, Nina? You've missed almost the entire season.

Nina: "Good point."

Shirin is out.

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Eight: Gay Divorcees!

Sorry for posting so late but I just had a garage sale and it took three full days of my life. I didn't make much money but I got rid of a lot of stuff, including many items too bulky for me to transport to a charity shop myself. So it was a success. I am so exhausted I can barely move.

Anyway, last time on Project Runway the designers were asked to create something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. The twist was that the look had to be old without looking dated, new without being edgy, borrowed without looking copied, and blue without actually being blue. Irina won and Louise was out.

We start the episode with Logan frying bacon. I'm going to start the controversial rumor that it is actually turkey bacon. I know I will get a lot a hate-mail over this but I just think it was too flat for regular bacon. Regular bacon gets all curly and shrinks up when you fry it. It must be turkey bacon, right? What kind of man's man would eat turkey bacon? You be the judge.

However, this is the one time I'm glad Logan is wearing a shirt. Because splattering grease can be really painful. The only thing worse than frying bacon shirtless is frying bacon pantless. Trust me.

Irina has decided that everyone is talking about her behind her back:

Irina: "Everyone is jealous because I'm so talented. And pretty."

What evidence do you have of this?

Irina: "They are all smiling and being nice to me. Obviously they all hate me."

Right. So I'm starting to think Irina is psychotic but then Logan confirms her theory:

Logan: "Irina is much more talented than the rest of us. I don't know why she's acting like she's better than the rest of us."

Heidi introduces us to the gay divorcees:

Heidi: "These women aren't actually gay but their dresses sure are! What the hell were they thinking? These women were all recently divorced. And by 'recently,' I mean within the past fifty years. They are ready to get on with their lives and start dating much younger men. Your challenge is to take these tragic wedding dresses and turn them into even more tragic cocktail dresses."

I love this challenge! It's specific, difficult, and makes sense. The symbolism of destroying your wedding dress to mark the end of your marriage and turning it into something new to mark the beginning of your new life makes a lot of sense. Of course, a couple of the women have been divorced for decades so I hope they got on with their lives a long time ago. But for the most part I think this is an excellent challenge.

Let's see how they can screw up this challenge, shall we?

Tim: "You'll get to buy two yards of fabric at Mood."

WHY?!!! Why ruin the challenge? Just use the wedding dress. It's not that complicated. You can make an entire outfit with two yards of fabric so it defeats the purpose of challenge. Well, fortunately, most of the designers end up using the wedding dress for the majority, if not the entirety, of the new look. Which begs the question: what was the point of that distraction? All the results would have been better and the challenge would have been more streamlined if they had just skipped the visit to Mood.

The designers meet with their divorcees:

The divorcee Nicolas is working with wants him to work with materials that are cruelty free:

Divorcee: "I don't want any animals to suffer because of this outfit."

Nicolas: "Don't worry. My clothes only cause human suffering."

Shirin is already complaining about her lack of material and her inability to dye polyester, when she then has to deal with her divorcee's demands, which are so ridiculous I can only assume the producers of the show have put her up to it:

Divorcee: "I want a huge peacock-feather headdress!"

No, she doesn't. Nobody wants a huge peacock-feather headdress. This whole storyline is complete bullshit.

We learn more of Gordana's story:

Gordana: "I was married before I got divorced."

Yeah, that's usually how it works.

The producers arrange a very emotional telephone call between Gordana and an answering machine. Seriously, this is the first time she's been allowed to call her children and nobody bothered to find out if her children were home? I don't understand how these calls work but this was pretty sucky.

Epperson completely screws up the challenge. First he decides to use as little of the wedding dress as possible. Then when Tim tells him the challenge was to use the wedding dress, he ends up making something that used as much of the dress as possible. He couldn't seem to grasp the concept of taking the dress and making something new out of it.

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Irina, how did you get this beautiful grey color?"

The same way everyone else got that grey color. By trying to dye the fabric black. That's what man-made fabrics look like when you try dye them black. I know this because when I went through my mandatory goth period, I tried to dye all my clothes black. The color she got is pretty, though.

Tim helps Shirin with her meltdown:

Tim: "Shirin, that dress is awful. And that trim you bought disturbs me. And what the hell are you wearing? I hate those shoes."

Shirin: "You aren't supposed to help me have a meltdown. You are supposed to help me work through my meltdown."

Tim: "In that case, I think you should start making paper dolls."

In the final fittings Nicolas decides that his is the most hideous outfit he has ever made. And that's saying a lot.

Epperson tells us that all the women said he should win. Interestingly, we don't hear anyone actually say it.

Logan thinks his look is a disaster. He's right.

The judges are Micheal Kors, some woman from Marie Claire, and the founder of Jimmy Choo.

Irina made a very pretty lace dress. It's a huge transformation from the wedding dress and this woman could definitely wear it to dinner or a party. However, I'm still getting a wedding vibe from it; it feels a little "mother of the bride" to me.

Shirin made a pretty little white dress. Well, perhaps "made" is too strong a word. She really just shortened the wedding dress and adding a cool pattern of stitching to it. And I love the stitching but I can only see it in close-ups. I think it's a cute dress but it doesn't feel transformed to me.

Logan made another horrible, unflattering pant. He paired the pant with a horrible, unflattering top. And while both pieces were horrible and unflattering, they somehow still didn't go together. I think if he had made a jacket instead of that weird vest, the look might have worked.

Carol Hannah made a very cute dress with bands of fringe made from the tulle skirt. I don't know why she added that strange little black shrug. But I really like the dress.

Althea made a really bizarre garment that looked like a dark blue bra worn over a light blue dress. The accentuated bust line paired with a belt at the natural waist, chopped up the body. There was too much going on with this look.

Nicolas made an outfit with a pant, vest, and cap-sleeved jacket. I think it's a pretty good look.

Nicolas: "I hate this outfit. But you can't make beautiful gowns and cocktail dresses all the time."

Or, in your case, ever.

Gordana made a gorgeous dress from the lining of the wedding dress. This dress is perfect. It's very flattering and it's exactly what her divorcee wanted.

Christopher screwed up. I appreciate what he was going for. His sketch was adorable. And the finished dress looks like the sketch. But the finished dress is definitely not adorable. Part of the problem is the fabrication. It's too cheap and shiny. The other problems are that the dress is too short and it is not age-appropriate. A woman in her twenties might be able to pull off this dress. But theoretically, this was not a terrible idea and I don't think it is an aufable offense.

Epperson just did not get this challenge. And he made a dress that couldn't be worn anywhere. It was too dressy to wear during the day and too dated to wear at night. The skirt was way to full. He seems to just have added a black and white corset thing to the shortened wedding dress. And what was with the completely redundant shrug? The outfit didn't look any different when it was removed.

Gordana wins! She totally deserved it!

Heidi: "You did a good job . . . this time."

Wow, Heidi, that was subtle. We get it. You think she sucks.

Epperson explains that he didn't understand the challenge:

Heidi: "I thought I was perfectly clear when I explained the challenge."

Oh, Heidi, you've never been perfectly clear when you've explained a challenge.

Logan and Epperson are the bottom two.

Epperson is out. Sorry Epperson. Epperson created some great looks but I agree with the judges that he had the weakest look this time.

Major model drama again this week! Spoilers for Models of the Runway below so don't read on if you haven't seen this week's episode yet.

Because of the model shake-up last time, Gordana ended up with Matar and Althea ended up with Gordana's favorite model, Tara. But they didn't actually work with their new models yet because the divorcees were modeling this week. Gordana was able to pick models first because she won this challenge so she could have had Tara back. But for some reason she thought Althea wanted to have the chance to work with Tara. So Gordana decided that the best thing to do would be to stick with the last model pick because the models didn't get to participate in the last challenge. So she stayed with Matar. Makes sense, right? The only problem is that Althea didn't want to stay with Tara. She wanted to go back to Tanisha. And nobody picked Tara so Tara is out! Gordana had first pick and her favorite model is out! What a tragedy! Tara thought Gordana had said "I think I'm going to pick you" but we can't actually hear her so she may have said "Althea is going to pick you." Anyway, Tara is angry because she thinks Gordana lied to her and Gordana is crying because she's responsible for her favorite model being out and Althea, who probably caused the whole mess, is claiming she doesn't know what's going on.

Well, at least Celine always knows what to say to make everyone feel better:

Celine: "I'm a good farter."

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Seven: Pumpkin Pie in the Sky!

OK, why was this episode called "The Sky is the Limit"? Because someone mentioned parachute fabric? Because the judges are always high? I'm going with a pie in the sky reference because some model trainer calls all the models "Pumpkin Pie" so he can tell them apart. I know it's a stretch.

Last week Fatma was out! I'd like to pause for a moment of prayer:

Dear Gott in Himmel, please let Vanessa get an Arby's commercial so Fatma can come back. Amen.

Back at the hotel, Gordana is comparing the designers to Olympic athletes:

Gordana: "So you know how some of the athletes are taking steroids or are genetically men? Yeah, it's just like that."

The few remaining guys start the He-Man Woman Haters Club and the first order of business is to eliminate Shirin. Second order of business: Logan: is he or isn't he?

Heidi makes her weekly pointless announcement:

Heidi: "Hello designers. I can't tell you anything about the next challenge. Go ask your father."

Tim introduces some Macy's lady:

Tim: "I'm pleased to introduce some Macy's lady."

Macy's Lady: "Your challenge is all about color. And at Macy's you can buy clothes in any color you want as long as it's blue. The great thing about blue is that it comes in many shades, which makes it different from other colors that only come in one shade. You'll be designing for the INC brand so make sure your designs are appropriate."

Tim: "Wow, it's going to be challenging to design something that boring but I have faith in all of you. The winner will have his or her design sold at Macy's."

Christopher: "My dream is to walk down the street and point at a girl and say 'I made that.'"

Well, I think that's a very misogynistic way to refer to your sexual conquests.

Christopher: "I'm talking about the dress she would be wearing."

Oh. That makes a lot more sense.

They make their design pitches to the Macy's lady:

Althea: "I wanted to do a high-waisted denim look that would be appropriate for the office or for attending a monster truck rally."

Carol Hannah: "I wanted to make a dress that would fit into a woman's existing wardrobe. So I made it really flat so it wouldn't take up much space in the closet."

Logan: "I'm doing a sweater dress."

Shirin: "Yeah, what he said."

Epperson: "I noticed that the INC label had a significant lack of ruffled capes."

Nicolas: "I have one word for you: Vest! I can tell you're speechless."

Christopher: "A day to evening shirt dress."

Louise: "Dresses plastered with flowers and other crap."

Gordana: "First, I just have to say that I'm a huge fan of boring clothes."

Irina: "My first look will be a patchwork skirt and then for the second look I thought I would make something that a woman would actually wear."

It's a team challenge. The team leaders are Irina, Althea, Carol Hannah, Christopher, and Louise, which is not a good start for the He-Man Woman Haters Club. The team leaders pick their teammates:

Irina picks Gordana

Althea picks Logan

Carol Hannah picks Shirin

Christopher picks Epperson

Louise picks Nicolas

The teams have twenty minutes and $100 at mood. In a Project Runway first, Louise almost loses her money:

Tim: "It was so dramatic! Louise couldn't find the envelope with the money and then she looked around and then she finally found it! There's always some new zaniness going on with this show! This was almost as exciting as that time one of the designers lost a Barbie hat."

The teams are showing signs of stress:

Shirin: "We're making a sweater dress. That's not something I would ever make. Even though that's actually one of the ideas I pitched a few minutes ago."

Irina: "I'm just going to pretend that Gordana doesn't exist."

Nicolas: "Ruffles are so tacky! Can't we just cover everything in feathers?"

Epperson: "Christopher is such a genius. He's not like Qristyl at all. I am so psyched to be working with him!"

Christopher: "Oh, stop! Epperson is the genius! He suggested putting pockets on the shirt dress and that just rocked my world!"

Tim: "Oh, for god's sake! Would you two get a room?"

Michael Kors is back this week! Joining him will be someone new from Marie Claire and the Macy's lady.

Heidi: "One . . . OR MORE of you will be out. I'm seriously considering eliminating all of you. So watch your step, Pumpkin Pie!"

Irina and Gordana created a full dress with an empire waist and a skirt and blouse outfit. Both looks are perfectly boring enough to sell at Macy's.

Althea and Logan created a cute little suit with a skirt that was way too short and a second horrible look with weird blouse and a poorly-fitted pant that made the model look huge.

Louise and Nicolas created two dresses. One was light with dark fluffy trim and the other was dark with light ruffle trim. The first dress looked like a feather boa was stapled to the front. It was truly awful. The second look was better than the first, but that's not saying much.

Carol Hannah and Shirin created two more looks that were boring enough for the assignment. The first look was a high-waisted skirt with a blue top and the second was an unflattering garment that they are apparently calling a sweater dress, which they paired with black leggings.

Christopher and Epperson created a decent shirt dress and a second greenish bubble dress with a strange bib that was really bad and didn't have anything to do with the first look.

Irina and Gordana and Carol Hannah and Shirin were the top two teams.

Irina is the winner for her big striped dress. I guess it wasn't any worse than anything else on the runway this week. Congratulations, Irina.

Louise and Nicolas and Christopher and Epperson are the bottom two teams.

The judges hate Louise's ruffles. Heidi tells Nicolas that he is lucky he has immunity.

The judges hate both of Christopher's dresses. I hate the bubble dress with the bib but I'm surprised they hate the shirt dress so much. It wasn't great but it wasn't that bad.

Christopher and Louise are the bottom two and Heidi is as harsh as I've ever heard her:

Heidi: "Christopher, your dresses looked like they were designed by a blind crack whore. And Louise, your dresses made us all want to commit suicide."

Louise is out. Sorry Louise. You picked the wrong week to go tacky.

Tune in next week when Gordana auditions for the Blue Man Group.

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Six: Costume Drama!

Last week Johnny was out and Tim was perturbed:

Tim: "I'm sorry I was so terse. I guess I just picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

This week we start the day with the designers saying variations of "I'm sorry Johnny is gone except for the fact that I'm so glad he's gone."

Heidi tells the designers it's time to get out of the design room:

Heidi: "We've done the beach and Hollywood Blvd. and other field trips but you're still looking a little pale and sickly. So this week we are going to the filmmaking capital of the world: Canada!"

The designers meet Tim and Collier Strong in Canada and learn they have to create a look inspired by a movie genre.

Tim: "Let me be completely clear: I do not understand this challenge. Maybe you are supposed to make a runway look that is inspired by a film character or maybe you are supposed to make a garment that could actually by used as a costume in a movie. Who knows?"

The designers get completely unnecessary dossiers explaining what their genres are:

Period Piece: a film set in a specific period

Action/Adventure: a film with some element of action or adventure

Science Fiction: a film with ice queens and/or lizard people

Tim: "The only piece of instruction I have for you is that your character has to be an assassin."

Shirin is going with Western Prostitute Assassin.

Carol Hannah is going with Sexy Assassin.

Logan is going with Military Assassin.

Carol Hannah: "Ooh, Logan, that is such a good idea! Maybe we could discuss it further over drinks?"

Tim: "OK, that's it! Logan, I'm going to have to ask you to work in a separate room because nobody can get anything done with you around. You're just too hot!"

Ra'mon is going with Star Trek Assassin.

Nicolas is going with Fairy Assassin.

Epperson figures out that Westerns can be set in the 19th century and, therefore, can also be period pieces, which is what he wanted to do in the first place. He's going with Tough Frontier War-Bride Assassin. So it's a cross between Cold Mountain and Brokeback Mountain but with more assassins and fewer gay shepherds.

Gordana decides her period will be the 1920s because that's the period when women first started getting more emaciated.

Gordana: "I said emancipated!"

whatever

Louise doesn't know what kind of assassin she's designing for:

Nicolas: "What?! I never start designing a garment without knowing what kind of assassin I'm making it for!"

Christopher is going with Victorian Vampire Bride Assassin.

Tim: "Christopher, a real Victorian vampire bride assassin would never have bare arms. You know what would be totally Victorian? A halter top!"

In a failed attempt to increase the drama, the produces steal all the scissors and bobbins from the design room.

The judges are John Varvatos, Zoe Glassner and a costume designer named Arianne Phillips.

Irina had "film noir" and she made a slinky black dress with gold inserts and a white cape. Boring.

Carol Hannah had "action/adventure" and she made a black pleather bustier with a long coat and weird straps hanging off of the thighs. Kind of dramatic but not great.

Shirin had "Western" and she made something that looked to me like a Halloween costume.

Christopher had "period piece" and he made a beautiful dress in his usual style. The skirt was certainly inspired by the 1860s but pairing it with the halter top was a modern touch that I really liked.

Nicolas had "science fiction" and he made a dress that looked like a wedding cake. It wasn't that bad considering he only had one day to make it. But that's the best thing I can say about it.

Althea had "film noir" and she made a really basic and boring black skirt and white top.

Ra'mon had "science fiction" and he made his usual basic dress with crap glued on to it. It was straight out of last season's drag queen challenge. He would have been better off with his first idea.

Louise had "film noir" so she made a flapper dress. Obviously. The dress was actually pretty cute but her concept was a big mess.

Epperson had "Western" and he made a big ruffly denim dress with a gun holster. I loved it!

Gordana had "period piece" and she made a pretty gold dress. I agree with the judges that it was a little boring but, once again, I don't think it was the most boring and I'm left wondering why the judges always pick on her.

Logan had "action/adventure" and he made a black pleather catsuit with pink gashes that make me want to barf.

The judges use the "D" word for Gordana:

Judges: "Dressmaker!"

ouch

The judges inexplicably love the ice queen dress Nicolas made. They think it will look expensive and beautiful on camera. Well, I have news for them: I'm watching it on camera and it looks cheap and silly.

They also love Christopher's and Epperson's.

The judges don't like Louise's dress:

Louise: "I created a look for a character who is a 21st-century woman who has to go to a costume party in the 1940s and she dresses like a woman from the 1920s who is really ahead of her time."

Zoe Glassner: "Uh-huh uh-huh. I completely get your story and I completely hate this dress."

They don't like Ra'mon's hot green mess:

Ra'mon: "I'll be honest, my first dress was totally Dior but then it was ruined in a steamer accident and I had to start over."

Heidi: "Ra'mon, what planet is this woman from? Uranus? I just made a joke!"

Nicolas wins. Seriously.

Ra'mon is out. Sorry, Ra'mon.

Spoiler Alert! Don't read the following if you have not seen this week's Models of the Runway!

Most of this episode is filled with a whole lot of nothing. The models talk a bit:

Models: "Blah, blah, blah."

AND THEN!

Heidi tells the designers they all have to switch models this time! Why The Face (WTF)!

Vanessa, who definitely would have been going home, is miraculously saved! Her guardian angel, Julia Roberts, was obviously looking after her.

Somehow, nobody picks Fatma and she ends up as one of the last two models on the runway, with Louise making the final selection. And since Louise has to pick a new model, Fatma, the best most insane model since Morgan in season one, is out by default.

I just have one thing to say:

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Project Runway Season Six, Episode Five: Black and White and read almost nowhere!

The remaining designers start their morning by making completely unnecessary statements:

Carol Hannah: "I just realized one of us will go home this week."

Shirin: "I predict that we will have to make an article of clothing."

Gordana: "I think you are right. And I bet there will be a twist."

Of course, it's better than the pure delusion going on in the other girls' apartment:

Johnny: "As god is my witness, I will never be in the bottom three again!"

really?

Johnny: "Well, maybe just once more. But that's it!"

The designers go to the printing plant of the Los Angeles Times:

Tim: "I'm pleased to introduce Booth Moore. Although Booth looks like she shops at JCPenney, I assure you she is actually the highly-esteemed fashion critic for the Los Angeles Times."

okay

Tim: "The Times is read by dozens of people every week and we have piles of unread newspapers here behind us to prove it. Each pile is a separate section of the paper and each section is made up of at least two pages, most of which are filled with paid announcements that real estate developer Donald T. Sterling is winning another humanitarian award."

I can't tell you how sick I am of Donald T. Sterling. So, what's the challenge?

Tim: "Your challenge this week will be to find some actual news in the Los Angeles Times!"

Oh, come on! Make the challenges difficult but not impossible!

Christopher: "Oh, look! I found some news! No, wait; I read about that yesterday on Yahoo."

Louise: "I found the weather report in the business section! According to this, it's going to be seventy-four degrees and sunny here in Los Angeles every day for eternity."

Johnny: "The comics are pretty funny!"

Yes they are, Johnny. Yes, they are.

Epperson: "Hey, did you know that Donald T. Sterling is winning another award? It's the Donald T. Sterling Award for the person who has awarded himself the most awards. And it's mentioned on every page of the newspaper. It must be very important news."

The designers start working and Tim checks in on them:

Johnny is making an amazing dress that looks like Christian Dior came back to life and revolutionized the fashion world with a dress made out of newspaper. It's so good that the other designers are speechless. Tim goes berserk:

Tim: "Johnny, this dress is just too good! It is so amazing that once people see it they will never want to buy another dress for the rest of their lives. You will singlehandedly destroy the fashion industry. I, for one, refuse to let that happen."

Tim attacks the dress with a steamer until it melts, while the torch-wielding townspeople chant "Death to Johnny's dress!"

On to the runway:

Remember Michael and Nina? Yeah, neither do I. They are gone again this week and it looks like Nina won't be here next week, either. Filling in this week are Tommy Hilfiger and Zoe Glassner again. And the fashion critic for the Los Angeles Times was not good enough so the guest judge is Eva Longoria-Don't-Forget-I'm-Married-Damn-It-Parker.

Logan made a pretty dress. It was very simple but the pattern was nice and I like it.

Nicolas made a bad dress. I don't know how he thought he could be in the top three.

Christopher made another dress with a dramatic full skirt. I don't think that silhouette is very creative but it definitely worked for this challenge. The skirt looked fluffy and moved beautifully and this was a contender for the win.

Ra'mon made a two-piece look with a really pretty pattern. It was decent but definitely the middle of the pack.

Epperson kind of blew it. I liked the kimono-inspired sleeves but the dress was just too stiff and the choice of newsprint was not good.

Johnny made the most beautiful dress ever! But that's not the dress he sent down the runway, of course, because Tim ruined that one.

Gordana made a very cute dress that in no way deserved to be in the bottom three.

Carol Hannah made a dramatic gown that looked like it was made out of crepe paper instead of newspaper. She didn't take advantage of the newsprint, which I think was a mistake.

Shirin made a dress that might have been cute if it didn't look like an imitation of dresses we've already seen. (I realize this was filmed a long time ago but wouldn't she have at least seen Leanne's clothes?)

Irina made an adorable trench coat with imitation faux-fur collar and cuffs. I love the pockets. Very cute!

Althea created an amazing pattern on her dress using the newsprint. I was not crazy about the shape or the fit but the pattern was beautiful enough to get her into the top three.

Louise made a dress that was not very successful, in my opinion. And the styling made Fatma look like Mini Mouse. How this was better than Gordana's dress is beyond me.

The top three are Althea, Irina, and Christopher.

All the judges love Irina's coat. We think:

Tommy Hilfiger: "It's like a bunch a famous designers met at a bar in the 1970s."

Irina: "Thank you! Wait ... what?"

Irina wins! Congratulations, Irina!

The bottom three are Gordana, Nicolas, and Johnny.

Gordana is called out because her dress is wearable:

Heidi: "Don't you remember when we specifically told you to make something unwearable?"

No, I guess we missed that part. Look, I'm totally with the judges most weeks in picking interesting over wearable. But this week there were other safe looks that were just as boring as Gordana's but apparently they were safe because they were both boring AND unwearable.

The judges question Johnny:

Heidi: "Johnny, what the hell is up with this piece of crap?"

Johnny explains how amazing his first dress was:

Johnny: "I'm not making excuses but my completely imaginary first dress was so beautiful you would have died."

Tommy Hilfiger: "So there was a better dress but then you showed us this instead? Well, in that case you should win!"

Johnny: "Thank you!"

Tommy Hilfiger: "I was being sarcastic. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you are a recovering meth addict."

Eva Longoria-Look-At-My-Wedding-Ring-Parker: "Tommy would know a meth addict when he sees one."

Johnny is out. Tim gives his coldest goodbye ever:

Tim: "Johnny, your spectacular talent is a threat to humanity. Please leave."

In model news, Emarie is out, which causes Ebony to have a freaking breakdown. Seriously, you would think Emarie had died. Like she's going to that great Arby's commercial in the sky.

The models claim that they put on these paper dresses and weren't allowed to sit, eat, pee, or breathe for about eight hours, which seems unlikely.

Heidi tells the models a totally random story about wearing a snake:

Heidi: "It was nicht sehr schön."

Heidi, some of these girls think Mexico is "overseas." They don't know what you are talking about.

Fatma is making completely reasonable comments about how weird Americans are, which of course bothers the easily bothered Vanessa:

Vanessa: "If Fatma likes Africa so much, why doesn't she move there?"

Next week the designers will have to choose different models! Drama!

Well, that was an exciting episode! I've never seen Tim so annoyed:

Tim: "I am positively perplexed by that preposterous peddling of pablum."

You said it, Tim.

Tim: "Also, I am truly troubled by these terribly tortured tales of tribulation."

OK, that's enough.