Project Runway Season Six, Episode Five: Black and White and read almost nowhere!

The remaining designers start their morning by making completely unnecessary statements:

Carol Hannah: "I just realized one of us will go home this week."

Shirin: "I predict that we will have to make an article of clothing."

Gordana: "I think you are right. And I bet there will be a twist."

Of course, it's better than the pure delusion going on in the other girls' apartment:

Johnny: "As god is my witness, I will never be in the bottom three again!"

really?

Johnny: "Well, maybe just once more. But that's it!"

The designers go to the printing plant of the Los Angeles Times:

Tim: "I'm pleased to introduce Booth Moore. Although Booth looks like she shops at JCPenney, I assure you she is actually the highly-esteemed fashion critic for the Los Angeles Times."

okay

Tim: "The Times is read by dozens of people every week and we have piles of unread newspapers here behind us to prove it. Each pile is a separate section of the paper and each section is made up of at least two pages, most of which are filled with paid announcements that real estate developer Donald T. Sterling is winning another humanitarian award."

I can't tell you how sick I am of Donald T. Sterling. So, what's the challenge?

Tim: "Your challenge this week will be to find some actual news in the Los Angeles Times!"

Oh, come on! Make the challenges difficult but not impossible!

Christopher: "Oh, look! I found some news! No, wait; I read about that yesterday on Yahoo."

Louise: "I found the weather report in the business section! According to this, it's going to be seventy-four degrees and sunny here in Los Angeles every day for eternity."

Johnny: "The comics are pretty funny!"

Yes they are, Johnny. Yes, they are.

Epperson: "Hey, did you know that Donald T. Sterling is winning another award? It's the Donald T. Sterling Award for the person who has awarded himself the most awards. And it's mentioned on every page of the newspaper. It must be very important news."

The designers start working and Tim checks in on them:

Johnny is making an amazing dress that looks like Christian Dior came back to life and revolutionized the fashion world with a dress made out of newspaper. It's so good that the other designers are speechless. Tim goes berserk:

Tim: "Johnny, this dress is just too good! It is so amazing that once people see it they will never want to buy another dress for the rest of their lives. You will singlehandedly destroy the fashion industry. I, for one, refuse to let that happen."

Tim attacks the dress with a steamer until it melts, while the torch-wielding townspeople chant "Death to Johnny's dress!"

On to the runway:

Remember Michael and Nina? Yeah, neither do I. They are gone again this week and it looks like Nina won't be here next week, either. Filling in this week are Tommy Hilfiger and Zoe Glassner again. And the fashion critic for the Los Angeles Times was not good enough so the guest judge is Eva Longoria-Don't-Forget-I'm-Married-Damn-It-Parker.

Logan made a pretty dress. It was very simple but the pattern was nice and I like it.

Nicolas made a bad dress. I don't know how he thought he could be in the top three.

Christopher made another dress with a dramatic full skirt. I don't think that silhouette is very creative but it definitely worked for this challenge. The skirt looked fluffy and moved beautifully and this was a contender for the win.

Ra'mon made a two-piece look with a really pretty pattern. It was decent but definitely the middle of the pack.

Epperson kind of blew it. I liked the kimono-inspired sleeves but the dress was just too stiff and the choice of newsprint was not good.

Johnny made the most beautiful dress ever! But that's not the dress he sent down the runway, of course, because Tim ruined that one.

Gordana made a very cute dress that in no way deserved to be in the bottom three.

Carol Hannah made a dramatic gown that looked like it was made out of crepe paper instead of newspaper. She didn't take advantage of the newsprint, which I think was a mistake.

Shirin made a dress that might have been cute if it didn't look like an imitation of dresses we've already seen. (I realize this was filmed a long time ago but wouldn't she have at least seen Leanne's clothes?)

Irina made an adorable trench coat with imitation faux-fur collar and cuffs. I love the pockets. Very cute!

Althea created an amazing pattern on her dress using the newsprint. I was not crazy about the shape or the fit but the pattern was beautiful enough to get her into the top three.

Louise made a dress that was not very successful, in my opinion. And the styling made Fatma look like Mini Mouse. How this was better than Gordana's dress is beyond me.

The top three are Althea, Irina, and Christopher.

All the judges love Irina's coat. We think:

Tommy Hilfiger: "It's like a bunch a famous designers met at a bar in the 1970s."

Irina: "Thank you! Wait ... what?"

Irina wins! Congratulations, Irina!

The bottom three are Gordana, Nicolas, and Johnny.

Gordana is called out because her dress is wearable:

Heidi: "Don't you remember when we specifically told you to make something unwearable?"

No, I guess we missed that part. Look, I'm totally with the judges most weeks in picking interesting over wearable. But this week there were other safe looks that were just as boring as Gordana's but apparently they were safe because they were both boring AND unwearable.

The judges question Johnny:

Heidi: "Johnny, what the hell is up with this piece of crap?"

Johnny explains how amazing his first dress was:

Johnny: "I'm not making excuses but my completely imaginary first dress was so beautiful you would have died."

Tommy Hilfiger: "So there was a better dress but then you showed us this instead? Well, in that case you should win!"

Johnny: "Thank you!"

Tommy Hilfiger: "I was being sarcastic. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you are a recovering meth addict."

Eva Longoria-Look-At-My-Wedding-Ring-Parker: "Tommy would know a meth addict when he sees one."

Johnny is out. Tim gives his coldest goodbye ever:

Tim: "Johnny, your spectacular talent is a threat to humanity. Please leave."

In model news, Emarie is out, which causes Ebony to have a freaking breakdown. Seriously, you would think Emarie had died. Like she's going to that great Arby's commercial in the sky.

The models claim that they put on these paper dresses and weren't allowed to sit, eat, pee, or breathe for about eight hours, which seems unlikely.

Heidi tells the models a totally random story about wearing a snake:

Heidi: "It was nicht sehr schön."

Heidi, some of these girls think Mexico is "overseas." They don't know what you are talking about.

Fatma is making completely reasonable comments about how weird Americans are, which of course bothers the easily bothered Vanessa:

Vanessa: "If Fatma likes Africa so much, why doesn't she move there?"

Next week the designers will have to choose different models! Drama!

Well, that was an exciting episode! I've never seen Tim so annoyed:

Tim: "I am positively perplexed by that preposterous peddling of pablum."

You said it, Tim.

Tim: "Also, I am truly troubled by these terribly tortured tales of tribulation."

OK, that's enough.