Project Runway Season Seven Premiere: Now in 2.5-D!

It's Lifetime; you didn't really expect them to spring for the full 3-Ds, did you? What is the extra half D, you ask? Well, I can't tell you. All I can say is that it will give you fuller, longer, darker lashes is just six weeks.

Welcome to season seven, which takes place on the distant planet of Endora, home to a species of old red-haired harpies who dress in chiffon housecoats and complain about their stupid mortal sons-in-law. As you recall, the city of Los Angeles single-handedly destroyed Project Runway last season. So they had to find a new planet. Los Angeles is near and dear to me. I love Los Angeles. But not in that way. Anyway, as an Angeleno, I just want to apologize to all the PR fans for what my city did to the show. Clearly LA is a cultural black hole, from which no light can escape. It is a destroyer of all that is good and decent in this world. Also, I'm sorry I got Heidi pregnant again. I'm only human.

Fortunately, Tim Gunn made the journey to Endora with us and he is just coming out of space hibernation:

Tim: "I'm Tim Gunn and this is the Situation!"

OH, MY GOD! We are so tired of looking at your abs, Tim! We get it; you're totally ripped! Get over it!

Tim: "sorry"

So unprofessional. Anyway, the designtestants this season are from Endora and they are blue, which makes me think of Smurf prom dresses:

Tim: "I told you never to use that term in my presence!"

Gee, I forgot how touchy he was about that. Well, let's meet the natives and describe their hair (which is how I tell them apart):

Amy is the tough-talking scientist who has taken alien form so she can learn more about the magical fabrics of the planet. She has brown hair.

Anna is the evil corporate leader who doesn't care how many people have to die in order to get her hands on the natural reserves of Garnier Fructis buried beneath the planet's surface. She has long brown hair.

Anthony is the wise-cracking sidekick. He seems useless at first but he'll come to the hero's defense and save the day. He has hair.

Ben is the military veteran who has become an unthinking killing machine. But I'm sure he's really sweet once you get to know him. He has your typical military haircut.

Christiane is the daughter of the chief. She knows all the secrets of Endora, like where to find the most colorful fabrics and how to get a taxi when it's raining. She has long black hair with bangs.

Emilio is the leader of the Endorans. He is wise in the ways of ombre and applique. He is much loved and respected. And he wears a hat.

Janeane is the high priestess of the planet. If you ever need to swap bodies or make an entirely new dress at the last minute, she might be able to help. She does not understand revolving doors. We'll see how she does with escalators, or, as she probably calls them, "moving stairs." She has shoulder-length dark-brown hair.

Jay is the greatest warrior on Endora. So obviously he has a faux-hawk.

Jesse is the former soldier who infiltrates the native population in order to learn about the biggest mystery in the world of fashion-related competition shows: the meaning of the term "avant-garde." But he ends up falling in love and becoming one of them. To fit in, he dresses as the most famous pirate you can think of: Captain Hook.

Sorry, but I've run out of characters.

Jesus is really young and he has big hair. Like all really young designers with big hair, he thinks he is god's gift to evening-wear.

Jonathan has regular hair and he wears glasses. He's trying to find the place where gritty meets shitty. I think he's already halfway there.

Maya has shoulder-length black hair with bangs.

Mila and black bobbed-hair with bangs.

Pamela has long brown hair and is the oldest. She got bored with being the best at everything she's ever done so she decided to try fashion design.

Ping has short black hair. She is from China, is an American-trained physical therapist, an Italian-trained designer, and studied choreography on the moons of Endora.

Seth Aaron has your typical douche-rock hair and a big red hickey tattooed on his neck. He would like to be a famous fashion designer, if you don't mind. Hmm ... I wonder if that's why he auditioned to be on this show.

The designers get to know each other by comparing their weights and then they go up to the roof to drink sparkling apple cider with Heidi and Tim:

Janeane: "Oh my god! I'm on the roof! I was down on street level and then I got into this very small room and when the doors opened I was suddenly on the roof! Is it witchcraft?"

Tim: "Calm down Janeane, you'll be fine. Welcome, everyone! I can honestly say this is the first season that we have had this exact group of designers! And I couldn't be more proud!"

Heidi: "Tim, you're so full of crap. But I love you anyway. Pour the champagne."

The next day the designers meet Tim in the Garden of Ancestors to select from the fabrics that grow there:

Tim: "Designers, the Garden of Ancestors is a very special place. The fabrics of Endora are all linked together by electromagnetic pulses. So if you choose the right combination of fabrics, you will be able to get fashion advice from your dead relatives."

The designers start working and Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Designers, are you completely confident in what you are doing?"

Designers: "Yes!"

Tim: "Alright, then. That's all I wanted to know."

Actually, though, there are a few designers who are not completely confident. Janeane was planning to wow the judges with originality by making a little black cocktail dress, but she changed her mind. Anthony is shocked that he hasn't already been eliminated. And Emilio has only finished the top of his dress and there are only two hours left in the day.

Tim acts like he's never seen designers this close to not finishing a garment, even though, just last season, there was a designer who had nothing but a collar finished and just threw some fabric over his model thirty seconds before the runway.

Tim: "Remember to use the Bluefly wall salaciously."

Heidi welcomes the designers to the runway:

Heidi: "Jesse, why are you dressed like a member of the Hitler youth?"

Jesse: "I thought this was an audition for The Producers. I'm supposed to be a hotsy totsy Nazi."

Heidi: "I never thought I would hear myself say these words, but I think I would prefer it if you would dress as a pirate from now on."

Jesse: "Arrrrrr."

Both Michael and Nina are judging! Last season someone was spreading the rumor that they were actually the same person and that's why they never appeared together. Oh, wait, I was the one spreading that rumor.

The guest judge is Nicole Richie, who I'm sure is really great, but I don't know if she's a huge improvement over the guest judges we got in Los Angeles.

Here's the rundown of the runway:

Jonathan: Fine, but a little boring.

Seth Aaron: Pretty cute punk dress.

Jesus: His name is the first thing I said when I saw this dress, though I pronounced it differently.

Ben: I don't hate this weird dress it but I think the fabric is wrong.

Jay: It's awful, but at least there isn't much of it.

Pamela: This pink monstrosity looked even worse from the back.

Emilio: Very cute little dress.

Jesse: Interesting suit. I like it.

Ping: Dramatic. I'm intrigued but not convinced, yet.

Christiane: This is a very unfortunate dress.

Amy: Fine.

Janeane: So much better than her first look. I like it.

Mila: Yeah, OK, it's nice, whatever.

Anthony: Well ...

Anna: It's pretty. Not exciting. But pretty.

Maya: She went with the classic simple-dress-with-big-piece-of-crap-glued-onto-it look that I hate.

Emilio, Seth Aaron, and Ping are the top three and Emilio wins! Congratulations, Emilio!

Jesus, Anthony, and Christiane are the bottom three. While there were a couple of others I didn't like, there is no denying that these three are bad. Anthony is safe:

Anthony: "WHAT?! Are you sure? There must be some mistake! I demand a re-count!"

It's true! He's safe! A note to future contestants: if you don't have any design skills and you plan to get by on personality alone, this is how you do it. Don't go with the escaped-mental-patient routine; be charming and funny and lovable so people actually want you around.

Anyway, the bottom two are Jesus, who is designing on the level of a first-year fashion student, but at least has some construction skills, and Christiane, who could have some interesting ideas but totally blew it on this challenge.

Heidi: "One of you will be going home and, unfortunately, Jesus, it will not be you."

OK, that's not exactly what she said. But I know it's what she was thinking.

So, Jesus is safe. Christiane's beautiful 2.5-D pterodactyl is shot out of the sky and she comes crashing to the ground:

Christiane: "Ahhhhh! My spleen!"