Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Four: Jetblue's "All You Can Design" pass!

I don't have time to write this week's post because I'm too busy planning my Jetblue "All You Can Fly" schedule. I'm going to fly to 216 cities in one month and in each city I will create a garment in fifteen minutes using one dollar in materials. You could follow me on Twitter if knew what that meant. What? The pass just sold out? Oh. Never mind.

First, let's find out what happened to Ivy. As usual, it's all my fault. I made her eggs Benedict and she ended up in the hospital. Sorry about that. I'm a little bitter about the fact that I got salmonella-contaminated eggs from Iowa at my Trader Joe's, when I thought I was buying locally-produced salmonella-contaminated eggs.

Ivy is fine now and is back up to two packs a day. Good for her!

So, Heidi comes out onto the runway in slow motion to a Seal song wearing a flower on her head. It was a little weird. Then the models come out wearing more Philip Treacy hats. Some of them are amazing and some of them are, well, not so much.

Michael C. tells us this is the holy grail for designers, which makes me wonder if it's even more exciting than creating terrible digital designs to be printed onto stiff cotton fabric. It's not.

By the way, Michael C. will either win or lose this challenge, because he gets to talk to his son on the phone. How the hell does a 27-year-old gay guy have a six-year-old son? That just makes my ovaries hurt.

Anyway, the designers have the opportunity to work with the hat of their choice, which is really important, since that's the entire point of the challenge. But the designers completely ignore the challenge and just pick the same models they've been working with. Basically, they're saying the hats don't matter:

Philip Treacy: "You people can bite me."

Seriously, it's very disappointing that none of the designers wanted to take a chance and pick a hat that would inspire them. It should come as no surprise, then, that the designs themselves were uninspiring. After one of the best runways in several seasons last week, this week's runway was a big can of suck.

Gretchen, of course, has an opinion:

Gretchen: "Peach, Kristin, and April will be on the bottom. Also, I think Barack Obama might be a Muslim."

I'm just joking, of course. I don't think Gretchen is a member of the Tea Party. She just has a lot of annoying opinions.

Sarah Palin: "Gretchen: don't retreat ... reload. (Steps aside bc her 1st amend. rights ceased2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence isn't American, not fair.)"

That's an excellent point, Sarah!

Tim is still having trouble getting through to Casanova:

Tim: "Casanova, I just have one question for you: why?"

Casanova: "You think? No, I don't think so."

Tim: "This dress looks like old Donna Karan."

Casanova: "Yes, I like it, too."

Tim: "Why am I here?"

Casanova: "Thank you, Tim."

Peach squeezes her model into a dress that is way too small:

Model: "Aah, my spleen!"

She'll be fine. As they leave the design room, Ivy drops something and has to pick it up:

Tim: "That's a Project Runway first!"

Oh, Tim. Really.

On to the runway, where we finally figure out why the judging is so off this season: Nina can't actually see the runway because the light is shining in her eyes:

Nina: "The glare from Michael's gorgeous bronzed skin is blinding me!"

The top three are Valerie, Michael D., and Michael C.

Michael D. made a top that looked like cardboard and a crushed orange skirt. I was worried that the top would be too much of an imitation of the hat, but it ended up working pretty well. It was interesting and, even though it wasn't great, he probably should have won.

Valerie made a red dress and white jacket that didn't really seem to be inspired by her hat (actually a mask). I guess it was well made, but it shouldn't have been in the top three.

Michael C. made a pretty dress. It was totally boring but I guess it worked with the hat so he won. Congratulations for having one of the least terrible looks this week. Whatever. The real tragedy is that he will have immunity for whatever nightmare he creates next week.

The bottom three are April, Christopher, and Kristin.

April's shorts outfit had some fit problems but was much more interesting than almost anything else on the runway. I don't think she should have even been on the bottom. Fortunately, she's safe.

Christopher's outfit was really bad. The fabric could have been nice, but the silhouette was just awful. The fact that the other designers thought he could win the challenge makes me think they borrowed the judges' crack pipe this week. But he's safe.

Kristin screwed up again. I really like the way she works with draping, but this dress was just messy and the fabric was completely wrong. I was really looking forward to seeing some interesting work from her, but she's out of second chances this week. Sorry Kristin.

Ivy: "I can't believe I wasn't in the top three! Pass the crack pipe!"