Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Ten: The fabric of our lives!

What an emotionally draining episode! I was practically in tears over all the awful outfits this week! OK, obviously I'm talking about the emotional revelation: Uncle Sol learns through his new Facebook account that he's been HIV positive for thirty years and didn't know it. Oh, wait, that's Brothers and Sisters. No, Mondo tells everyone he's been HIV positive for ten years and has been keeping it a secret. I'm glad he got that off his chest. Gretchen, of course, acts like she's responsible for this cathartic moment:

Gretchen: "I'm so glad I could be a part of getting you to open up like this!"

God love her, I know she means well, but it really is hilarious how she manages to make everything about her.

So, yeah, we get the dramatic revelation we were promised, but we have to wait until next week to get the allegations of cheating. For some reason Ivy is going to be majorly involved in the cheating scandal, which is surprising because SHE ISN'T EVEN THERE! What the hell?!

Anyway, we start the episode with Valerie telling us, again, that she should have been out instead of Ivy, and us, again, completely agreeing with her. She's especially upset because they were best friends:

Valerie: "Every week our LatAsian fusion was getting stronger."

The designers are given HP computers with childhood photos that they will use for inspiration for the dreaded textile challenge:

Tim: "Last season Eric3000 rightly pointed out that we weren't actually designing textiles. So this time I'm going to explain the challenge more accurately: you will be creating designs that will be printed on fabric."

Yay! A totally imaginary shout-out from Tim! I live for those!

The designers look at their baby pictures:

Michael: "This is a picture taken the day my mother got upset about me wearing a skirt and made me walk around in my underwear."

Well, thank god she made him take off that skirt or he might have turned into a homosexual! Tragedy averted!

Since Christopher apparently has no family, he just does an impromptu pitch for HP:

Christopher: "My life will never be the same after using this amazing product."

Once more, with feeling!

Tim introduces the special guests:

Tim: "Please be nice to them. I know you probably hate them because they screamed at you for wearing a skirt or they got divorced or did something else to ruin your lives. But please, try to behave yourselves."

The designer's mothers enter the design room. But they don't all enter the room at once, because that would create less drama. First, Gretchen has to be tortured by the idea that her mother was too poor to get a free trip to New York. I felt bad for her. Fortunately, her mother shows up with the second group. Christopher's mother doesn't show up at all and I really want to know why. Instead, his partner visits:

Christopher: "Seeing my partner is like rocket fuel! I am totally energized to make the most boring clothes ever!"

And speaking of the most boring clothes ever, it's time for the runway!

Heidi comes out wearing a dress made of fabric she designed herself using HP technology. Actually, I don't know that for certain, but it's the only way I can explain that getup.

The runway show this week is hard for me to talk about. I have nightmares about it. It was a crime against humanity. One disaster after another. I'm just sick about it.

There was one exception, of course. Mondo's look wasn't just the best one this week or the only look that wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty great. That ridiculously high-waisted pant would not look good on many women (the slightest bump would instantly turn it into maternity wear), but the look was dramatic and fun and there was no competition for the win this week. Congratulations, Mondo!

In my opinion, anyone else could have gone home.

Michael's was fairly inoffensive, but, like all his designs, it was dated.

Gretchen's was boring and I didn't like the fabric, though the judges tried hard to like it.

April's looked like a skating costume for Johnny Weir. I'm sorry her parents got divorced, but I shouldn't have to suffer for it.

Andy was deeply affected by his mother's visit. He obviously needs to limit contact with his mother if he wants to be a designer. His print was nice but I don't understand why his fabric seemed to be different. It seemed to be much softer and silkier and more transparent than the other stiff cottons. And it had nothing to do with the design, because I noticed the difference when they first got the fabric. Did anyone else notice that?

I feel like I'm forgetting someone:

Heidi: "Can you remember anything Christopher has made this season?"

Nina: "I don't even remember Christopher. I thought a male model accidentally wondered into the room."

Oh, yeah. That was almost unforgettably unmemorable.

Christopher: "There's a huge market for boring clothes!"

Nina: "Yeah, but Michael Kors already has that market cornered."

Michael Kors: "Ha ha! Wait ... what?"

Anyway, Valerie is out. Probably wouldn't have been my choice, but, like I said, the bottom five were so boring I didn't really care which one of them left.

Valerie's was a mess:

George Costanza: "The party-supply store called. They want their napkins back."

Yeah, the judges complained about it looking like her napkin dress, but that really wasn't the problem. The problem is that the dress was awful. It was poorly-fitted and the fabric looked stapled together. The neon blue stripes on a black background reminded me of all the terrible prints created in last season's HP challenge. Sorry, Valerie! We'll miss you!

Valerie gives a stirring, never-ending speech, in a valiant attempt to avoid going home:

Valerie: "Christopher, you are the kindest, blandest, handsomest person I know. Your sense of integrity is really inspiring, unless you are accused of cheating next week, in which case you repulse me. Michael, you are not nearly as awful as I thought you were. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Gretchen, you never fail to surprise me with your amazing talent for insinuating yourself into everyone's business. I'm sure you will manage to take my loss and make it all about you and I love you for that. Mondo, you are my favorite gay elf on the entire planet. You should be living in a tree and making cookies. That's how much I adore you. And lastly, April. Anyway, what was I talking about before I started this speech?"

Tim: "Valerie, I'm afraid I have to ..."

Valerie: "Oh, and Tim, how could I forget you?! Let me tell you what you mean to me."

Tim: "but ..."

Valerie: "No, don't speak! Your advice has been so important to me these past few weeks. You are like my father, except that he builds houses for me, which kind of makes your advice about fabric seem trivial. And this cameraman has been like a long-lost brother to me. I don't know his name, but I really don't know what I would have done without him. And the people who bring us food! I literally would have starved to death without them! And there's that guy who stands in the back of the studio. I've often wondered what the hell his job is, but I know I'll miss him dearly and ..."

Tune in next week, when Valerie will still be saying goodbye.