Project Runway Season Eight Finale, Part Two: !*%#?!@!!!&**#%#@!!!

!!!!&***&%#?#@!@!*&sonofabitch?&%%#@#??@##!!*&*&%#@##kellyclarkson#%@!$***&%&%$!#&!!!@#*???#@?!@!!!

Pardon my French. I have spent my blogging career defending Nina and Michael in their questionable decisions, but no more. They are dead to me. The good news about this season's finale is that we got to see one of the best collections in Project Runway history. I think everyone knows what the bad news is.

Fairy Jobmother: "Nina and Michael, now that you have completely lost credibility in the fashion industry, what are you doing to find new careers?"

Michael Kors: "I wouldn't say we've completely lost credibility."

Fairy Jobmother: "You just demonstrated to the entire world that Heidi Klum and Jessica Simpson have better taste than you do!"

Michael Kors: "Well, when you put it that way, I guess I do need a new job."

Fairy Jobmother: "I have just the thing for you."

Nina and Michael get work on a farm. Nina is doing data entry and Michael is working with cows:

Nina: "It feels so good to be doing something useful, for a change!"

Michael Kors: "Yeah! I haven't felt this good since my days on the oil rig!"

Thank goodness that's sorted. I wonder who the new Project Runway judges will be next season.

By the way, who the hell is responsible for those awful Fairy Jobmother spots? The concept was cute enough, but once it was determined that most of the designers couldn't act their way out of a paper bag and the writing was so bad even Helen Mirren couldn't have made it work, they should have axed the whole thing. Because that was embarrassing to watch.

Anyway, on to the episode. First of all, that was the most boring reunion show I've ever seen. We saw some clips from the show and the designers weighed in about how big a bitch Gretchen is. Did we learn anything new? No. Was it better than not having a reunion show at all? Not really.

Nothing much happened during the rest of the episode, either. No model selection, no accusations of cheating, no insight about what, if anything, came from the Piperlime accessory wall. Mondo did his best to create some drama by complaining that someone rearranged his model lineup, but that storyline went nowhere. Thanks for trying, though, Mondo.

OK, I know I'm just grouchy because of the ending, but this really was not an interesting episode.

Fairy Jobmother: "Hey, you! You should be looking for work instead of writing this stupid recap!"

I know. Sorry.

Ooh, just when you thought Lifetime Television couldn't get any more redundant, Lucy Liu falls in love with three different men in a movie that's so tedious it's stretched out to two nights!

Lifetime Television: "Well, if you think that looks good ..."

I don't.

Lifetime Television: "Well, then you won't want to miss the Craigslist Killer, coming in January."

Oh, for the love of bacon! Why?

On to the runway, with guest judge and surprising voice of sanity Jessica Simpson:

Jessica Simpson: "Hey, Y'all! This is great! Those Fairy Jobmother spots make my painful Macy's commercials look Emmy-worthy by comparison!"

Let's get this over with. Gretchen comes out and introduces her collection:

Gretchen: "My collection is called 'Dances with Wolves,' and it represents my journey to the isolated Western frontier, where I was accepted by the Indians and fell in love with the beautiful Stands with a Fist. Enjoy!"

Ugh. It's awful. Look, I like Gretchen, I think she's talented, and I completely agree with the judges that she has a great career ahead of her. But I hated this collection.

Nina: "It's very editorial."

Nina has lost her mind.

Michael Kors: "Look in a magazine! This is what women are wearing. There are designers like John Galliano who create exciting fashion shows and then there are designers like me who actually make the boring clothes women want to wear. Did you see my last show? It practically put me to sleep! That's what the world is looking for in the next great fashion designer!"

OK, I looked at Michael's last show and, as boring as it is, it's still better than Gretchen's. And I've looked at fashion magazines and other runway collections, and yes, there are long flowing skirts and granny panties in our future, but nothing I've seen even comes close to being as depressing and dull as these clothes.

Nina: "Right. She's taking current trends and making them look worse. That's what fashion is all about."

Whatever. Let's move on to Andy. Andy's collection was better than Gretchen's but still not very good. It reminded me a bit of Chloe Dao's collection, in that it was shiny and well-executed and really repetitive. There were two or three pieces I really liked, but, on the whole, the collection was kind of a cliche. Like Michael C., he created what he thought a fashion show should look like and ended up with something pretty but not very interesting. He should have gone way over the top like he did in some of the challenges. It wouldn't have been wearable but at least it would have been an exciting show.

Mondo - I loved everything about this collection. Possibly my favorite collection since Jay McCarroll. It was cohesive without looking repetitive, it was super fun, the accessories were perfect. It was a real show but most of the pieces were totally accessible:

Nina: "Some of the pieces are nice, but with the leggings and the accessories it starts to look too young. Women in their twenties don't buy clothes. You need to design granny panties for middle-aged women, like Gretchen does. That's what sells."

Heidi: "Lots of women would buy these pieces! Maybe they would tone down the looks by pairing the pieces with neutrals, but the pieces themselves are very wearable!"

Michael: "Well, we shouldn't have to restyle the looks! He should have made them boring enough for all women to wear them!"

OH MY GOD! Is it possible that Michael Kors has never been to a fashion show before? You don't have to wear the clothes exactly as they appear on the runway!

So, anyway, to make a long story short, Michael and Nina are total assholes. They insist Gretchen should win.

Heidi and Jessica Simpson say the winner should be Mondo.

Unfortunately, that's two votes for Gretchen and two votes for Mondo. What happens now?

Joe Biden: "As Vice President, it is my responsibility to step in and cast the deciding vote."

Sorry, that's only in the Senate.

Joe Biden: "Oh, come on! I never get to do anything!"

Nope. There's no solution. It's deadlocked. I guess we just won't have a winner this season. Too bad.

Well, thanks for reading, everyone! Tune in for recaps of the new season of Bravo's The Fashion Show!