Project Runway Season Nine, Episode 5: New Directions!

Heidi: "My product line is for New Balance, not New Directions."

I know. I just wanted to hear you say 'new directions.'

Heidi: "Look, I pay you a lot of money to promote my product line."

No, you don't.

Heidi: "Really? Well, would you mind doing it just because I'm pretty?"

Well, OK. Buy Heidi's New Balance product line, everyone! Like I've said in the past, her clothes are perfect for women who want to look like they might go to the gym.

Heidi: "Thank you."

Last week Kimberly won and Julie was out. Cecilia is really pissed off because she did absolutely everything she could think of to get kicked off the show and yet she's still there:

Cecilia: "I made a beige dress for Nina Garcia! It was a metaphor for stabbing her in the heart! Do I need to actually kill someone to get out of here?"

Anyway, over in the boy's apartment, even though it's a little early in the episode, it's time for our favorite segment of the show called...say it with me...Bert Gets Confused!:

Viktor: "Hey, Bert, what are those boxes there on the counter?"

Bert: "What boxes?"

Viktor: "The boxes right in front of you."

Bert: "I don't know what you're talking about, Sean. I can't see anything on the counter because it's covered with all these boxes."

So, apparently, while the designers dreamed of sugarplums, the elves brought them packages. And it is pretty magical because at this point the designers are still sleeping in the living room and yet they slept through this delivery. The designers are as exciting as kids on Christmas morning:

Laura: "I hope it's a miniature pony!"

Bryce: "I hope it's an easy-bake oven!"

Close. It's running shorts and sneakers. The designers head over to the New Balance Track and Field Center, where they all die.

Well, not quite. But those New Balance shoes are really dangerous. Olivier trips and nearly kills himself.

Heidi: "That has never happened before!"

Look, I'm sure Olivier is not your target demographic. In fact, it looked like running was a completely new concept for him. Poor thing. I seriously almost passed out watching this scene. I think this show may be too violent for me.

Oh, wait! I forgot! Before that happened, Cecilia decided to quit. Heidi makes a little speech that reflects either the fact that they have too much time to fill or there have been legal issues:

Heidi: "I want to make it very clear that the designers are not being kept here against their will. We are not, I repeat, NOT holding their family members hostage in exchange for their participation on this show. Do not believe those rumors. Cecilia is free to leave at any time. I will make sure she regrets it for the rest of her life."

Cecilia: "What?"

Heidi: "I said there are no hard feelings, and I wish you the best of luck in the rest of your life."

So, the team leaders are the first four runners who finished a lap and they pick from the other designers:

Josh picks Anya and Becky
Bryce picks Kimberly and Daniel
Anthony Ryan picks Laura and (reluctantly) Bert
Viktor picks Olivier and will get to choose a returning designer

OK, that is pretty crazy! Viktor gets to choose which eliminated designer actually gets to return to the show! For some strange reason, all the designers want Josh C. to return. Apparently, everyone loves him. It's very sweet. Either that, or they know he will be the weakest competition. No, that's just being cynical.

So, yes, we have two Joshes on the show again and I have to distinguish between them when I'm writing my recaps. What a pain in the ass. I don't have time to be typing in the first letter of their last names! I'm very busy! Doesn't anyone on this show consider my feelings?!

Anyway, the challenge is for the teams of three to create three casual looks to wear with sneakers and the winning look will be produced as part of Heidi's New Balance line.

Becky and Bert are not being allowed to participate in their teams. While the editing doesn't actually show Bert being such a terrible teammate, I think it isn't a coincidence that nobody likes working with him. Becky, on the other hand, seems cooperative, but Josh Not C. is just being an asshole. He is totally rude to her for hours and she finally goes and cries in the toilet and then he gives her a half-assed apology:

Josh Not C.: "Becky, I am really sorry that you design dowdy clothes. And I mean that sincerely. We are all just tired. I'm sure if we all weren't so tired, we would all just agree that you are untalented and there would be no problem. So, are we good?"

Becky: "Yeah, OK."

Time for the runway. Heidi is wearing a black sequined trash bag. There is a guest judge. That's all I can tell you about that.

Some of the garments were pretty good and others weren't. I don't have time to describe them, because it takes too much time typing in the first letters of the last names of the two Joshes.

Viktor wins with a wrinkly dress and a biker jacket. Then Josh Not C. also wins with Anya's maxi dress, which didn't make much sense, but whatever.

The loser causes more problems. Anthony Ryan created one of the worst looks in history, but Danielle also made a terrible look and she hasn't demonstrated any ability to make anything other than terrible looks. Heidi and Nina argue over the rules of the competition. Nina thinks a designer's promise should be factored into the judging, while Heidi has a more strict German view about rules:

Heidi: "The Ten Commandments of Project Runway are very clear. The First Commandment states: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, unless thy neighbor's ass is totally awesome, in which case nobody would blame thee. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the wrong one. It's the second one: One day thou art in and the next thou shalt be out."

Nina: "Don't be so uptight, man. You're totally harshing my buzz. You need to open your mind and experience the universe."

In general, I agree with Nina. We shouldn't be so uptight about rules. If two looks are almost equally bad, the judges should be free to take other things into consideration. But in this case, Anthony Ryan's look was far worse than Danielle's and I think Heidi is right.

Heidi is overruled and Danielle is sent home.

Heidi: "Please buy my clothes. But please do not go jogging in them or you will be severely injured."