Project Runway Just Deserts, Episode Four!

Last week Michael won and Gordana was out. Now Gordana is in the fight of her life, in the Project Runway Second Chance Kitchen!

Gordana: "Really?"

No, not really. You're just out.

This week the designers are inspired by Diane von Furstenberg and her favorite desert, Pinkberry:

Diane von Furstenberg: "Can't get enough of it, darling! I eat it three times a day and anyone who says I don't is a damn liar!"

The designers pick the flavor of Pinkberry that will inspire them:

Michael picks first and he chooses the original tart flavor.
Mondo picks next and he selects the original tart flavor.
Mila picks the original tart flavor.
April thinks about it and then picks the original tart flavor.
Jerell has had his eye on that original tart flavor and he gets it.
Kenley gets the original tart flavor and acts like that was what she was hoping for.
Austin announces that he actually is the original tart flavor.
Anthony thinks the challenge is dumb but he takes the original tart flavor.
Rami is relieved he isn't picking last and he gets the original tart flavor.
Kara gets stuck with chocolate.

Kara: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. Poor Kara. I hate chocolate Pinkberry.

OK, it's time for the quickfire challenge. This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. It is also the most dangerous. If you are lactose intolerant.

In a bizarre twist, while they only have six hours to create the look, they have two full days to sketch and they get no money at all. The looks have to be made entirely from frozen yogurt and accessorized only with fresh fruit.

I'm just kidding. Obviously they will also have access to Fruity Pebbles, crushed Oreos, and those little mochi rice balls.

Isaac: "Ooh, I love those!"

Joanna Coles makes her rounds and gives everyone a little cup of yogurt to use as a hat and we learn that the designers are trying to meet the short deadline by just sticking to what they know:

Kenley: "I'm not going to do something new for this challenge."

Joanna: "No kidding. Kenley, you make the same friggin' dress for every challenge. Why would this challenge be any different?"

April was planning to make another black dress, but the mini-Mood that was set up at Parsons didn't have any black fabric:

Swatch the Dog: "Ha ha! Suck it, April!"

The designers all complain about having six hours to make a dress:

Michael: "Six hours? What am I supposed to do after I finish? Just stand around for another five hours?"

Not all the designers are impressed with Michael's speed. Jerell thinks a chimp could make Michael's dress:

Jerell: "To be fair, I don't think a chimp could make it as quickly as Michael could."

Rami is making a wrap dress, but he is not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg:

Rami: "I'm not making a wrap dress because I think it looks good. I'm only doing it because it's really easy. In fact, even a chimp could make a wrap dress."

Well, OK. He's definitely not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg.

The designers go to the L'Oreal studio and ask for sloppy buns. Then they discuss the hair.

There are two guest judges this week; apparently nobody expected Isaac to be back from rehab so soon. The guest judges are supermodel Miranda Kerr and superdesigner Diane von Furstenberg.

Time for the runway:

Michael picks grapefruit to accessorize his original tart Pinkberry. The dress does look a little like soft serve. Actually, the model looks like she's being eaten alive by a giant pile of pink ice cream. The fabric makes me a little nauseated. It's seriously grossing me out. I really need to stop writing about it now, before I get sick.

Mondo picks cantaloupe. This dress actually makes me want to go to the store and buy a cantaloupe. It looks fresh and delicious. I want to eat this dress.

Mila picks milk and sour cherries and her dress is pretty cute. It's red and white color blocking, but with curved seams, which was probably hard to do in that chiffon-y fabric.

April picks blueberry and she mentioned Violet Beauregarde, but that didn't make it into the dress. The closest link I can find between this dress and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is that Helena Bonham Carter was in an adaptation of the book and not even Helena Bonham Carter would wear this dress. 

Jerell picks fruits of the forest. If you are like me, and I know you are, you were probably wondering if 'fruits of the forest' was one of those euphemistic terms like 'prairie oysters' that you just don't want to think about. But no, apparently it's just an unnecessarily long way to say 'berries.' Anyway, I kind of love his weird dress.

Kenley picks passion fruit and makes the exact same friggin' dress she makes every week, but she used a slightly different polka dot fabric just to add a little friggin' variety. It's kind of cute. Just like every friggin' dress she makes.

Austin picks vanilla Madagascar. His dress is as pointless as the name of the flavor he chose, so I think he did a good job.

Anthony picks green tea. I guess his dress does kind of make me think of green tea ice cream. It's not the worst thing he's made.

Rami picks kiwi. The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that it completely sucks.

And Kara, of course, gets stuck with cayenne pepper:

Kara: "NOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. She chose to do tiers of white and brown and red, which was pretty yucky. The shape of the dress was so bad it was almost good. Seriously, I was really kind of fascinated by how wrong it was.

Miranda Kerr tells us that she doesn't personally like ruffles on dresses, and normally we would be all, Who the hell cares if you personally like it, but, oh, did we forget to tell you that she will actually be wearing the winning dress? Well, we also forgot to tell the designers, so now they are being judged on whether this woman wants to wear their dress, even though that was not part of the challenge. Whatever.

So Michael and Mondo are the top two and Michael wins the challenge and a date with Diane von Furstenberg. Miranda Kerr has to decide where to wear that dress, but unless she is attending a wedding in Moldavia, I don't know where she would wear it:

Miranda Kerr: "There is that opening of an envelope I'm planning attend."

Kara and April are the bottom two and April is out. Sorry, April.

The judges tell Kara the explanation of her dress was insane but they just didn't see the insanity in the design:

Kara: "That's disappointing, because I'm completely batshit crazy."

Isaac: "Kara, we know you are. We just need you to translate that into your work."

Tune in next week when there will be naked people in a park. Finally.

Project Runway All Stars, Episode Three: Gays in Space!

Miss Piggy: "It's supposed to be Pigs in Space, you moron!"

I know, but Gays in Space was a Saturday Night Live sketch that I assume was a tribute to Pigs in Space, so I thought it would be funny to reference that instead.

Miss Piggy: "If you have to explain it, it's not funny."

Right. Sorry. So anyway, Isaac is off this week, having his tattoos removed, which means I have to make up a name for that model who is the actual host of the show. Let's call her M, as a tribute to L Macpherson (oh, my god, I think that joke is from that old Julie Brown show called The Edge, featuring Jennifer Aniston before she became famous, which means I'm old enough to remember life before Friends, which is something I do not want to think about.)

M: "This week you will be designing for the most glamorous non-human fashionista on the planet!"

Designers: "I hope it's Madonna!"

M: "Seriously, dummies? Well, it's not. It's Miss Piggy."

Some of the designers are very excited about designing for Miss Piggy and others are not:

Anthony: "I am not impressed."

Miss Piggy: "Right back at ya, sister."

Yeah, so the designers sketch on their fancy new Kenmore Elite sketch pads and then they go to Mood and buy either black or pink fabric because those are the only options and then they fight over the only pair of shoes and gloves on the Kenmore Elite accessory wall and then Mila gets all pissed off about the fact that she has no friends and then all the designers say how they love Muppet Babies, which is apparently the only way the post-Friends generation knows the Muppets and then Joanna Coles asks the designers if a pig would really want to wear a giraffe or a nightie or a really ugly dress and they all say that, yes, a pig would love to wear those things and Joanna say OK, it's your funeral and then it's time for the runway!

The judges this week are supermodel M, designer Georgina Chapman, designer Eric Daman, and movie star Miss Piggy:

We start with Michael's shiny little dress with a big bow stuck on the front. Anthony complains that it is just a simple princess-seam dress with something stuck on the boob, which is a hilarious complaint coming from Anthony.

April made a boring black dress.

Jerell made a horrible pink dress.

Kara made a skin-tight dress. Kara loves the "movement" in this dress. I have this little theory that Kara is completely insane.

Kenley made a cute pink-giraffe-print dress. There is nothing interesting about the design, but the fabric makes it the only interesting thing on the runway, in my opinion.

Anthony made a black dress with a full skirt. It's kind of cute, but I feel like I've seen pigs wearing similar dresses a million times before. It's just not special.

Rami made a completely ridiculous polka dot flamenco dress. I thought it was one of the worst things on the runway. It's so costumey and tacky. I just don't see someone as high fashion and glamorous as Miss Piggy wearing that. The judges disagree with me, however, and put it in the top two.

Gordana made a pink nightie, because she wants Miss Piggy to be comfortable, clearly not understanding that Miss Piggy believes in suffering for fashion.

Austin apparently ran out of time and his original idea of a giant bow on the back, which could have been nice, turned into two really stupid-looking bows just stuck onto the hips. It's awful.

Mondo made a dress that looks like a pink plastic bag. I don't get it.

Mila made a kind of cute black-and-white sixties mod dress. I can see Miss Piggy wearing this for a themed photo shoot, but it's not really appropriate for her promotional tour.

Well, that was a lot of boring for one runway. The judges deliberate and Eric Daman and Miss Piggy get into an ugly argument:

Eric Daman: "I think some of these looks would not really accentuate Miss Piggy's curves."

Miss Piggy: "Are you calling me fat? You wouldn't know a real woman if she punched you right in the face, which I'm about to do."

Eric Daman: "I'm trying to be a good sport about this. Why are you being such a bitch."

Miss Piggy: "Listen, you little weasel, I am a huge star who was wearing designer clothes while you were still in diapers!"

Eric Daman: "Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

Miss Piggy: "I want you so bad!"

OK, I did not see that coming. They are totally making out right there on the runway!

Rusty: "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her!"

Clark Griswold: "Rusty, that joke is terrible. I am so disappointed in you."

The remaining two judges give the win to Michael and they send home Gordana. I seriously think it doesn't matter what Austin does at this point; the judges feel they can't send him home because he's Austin. Yes, that's right, it's a new Lifetime Original Movie:

Austin Scarlett is Drew Peterson

Austin: "I'm untouchable, bitch."

Project Runway All Stars, episode two: Not a Marx Brothers Parody!

As much as the world is just crying out for a Project Runway parody recap based on a Marx Brothers movie, I refuse to do it. I know the Marx Brothers are very popular, but I have to admit that I've just never quite gotten used to the talkies. I miss the days when you read the title cards, as God intended.

Anyway, as you've probably figured out, the name of this week's challenge is Duck Soup. The designers will be creating glamorous show-stopping gowns to impress Mrs. Teasdale so that she will use her late husband's fortune to save the bankrupt country of Freedonia.

Isaac: "The future of the Eurozone hangs in the balance!"

That's right, Isaac!

Guest judges this week will be Mssrs. Badgley and Mischka, fine purveyors of elegant evening apparel. Some of the designers are thrilled and others are not so thrilled:

Kara: "This is not my papoo moment."

Mondo: "Yeah, I'm with you on that. This is not my papoo moment, either."

What the hell is a papoo moment?

Mondo: "What difference does it make? Just smile and nod."

So the designers have one day and three hundred and fifty dollars and they go to Mood to buy fabric. Michael and April, who once again are sharing half a brain, both pick the same red fabric. Michael freaks out and decides he needs to come up with an entirely new idea:

Other Eric: "Why can't he just do the same dress in another color?"

Mondo: "Because the fabric speaks to you and tells you what to make. You can't just switch fabrics. Duh."

Wow, Mondo has all the answers today. Anyway, Michael switches to black jersey, there is a huge collective sigh of relief, and then the designers head back to the work room.

April starts dyeing her red chiffon and everyone is all, "I don't agree with her life choices, but I guess it's a free country, so whatever."

Joanna Coles talks to the designers and we hear that Austin is under so much pressure because everyone expects him to win this challenge. Apparently he is famous for being a drama queen:

Austin: "Not drama queen! Couture King! Oh, the pressure!"

If it helps, I think you are going to fail miserably.

Austin: "Thank you, my darling!"

Rami tells us he is only human and Kara tells us she is "off the kahunies," which at first I assumed was South African for "I forgot to shave my armpits," but on second viewing decided it was just bad lighting.

Time for the runway:

Kenley - Too bad she couldn't get more of that polka dot fabric, because it might have helped. The two-tiered pink skirt looked weird.

Gordana - Well, it was different from the other things on the runway. The top with the beaded netting was nice and I wish she had covered the entire dress in it. The two-tone purple skirt with insets looked like it belonged on a waitress at Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.

Rami - Blech. I can't even describe this fuchsia nightmare.

Mila - Terrible. Boring black dress with sequin-blocking, which is a new technique she just invented and should never, ever use again.

Sweet P - The floral fabric is cute. The dress is horrid.

Mondo - A silver and white mini with a costumey yoke collar and train. This looked relatively good, compared to the rest of the crap on the runway.

Jerell - This shapeless tent of a beige dress made me want to vomit.

Kara - Her floral gown was almost cute.

Anthony - OK, it's surprisingly good. He absolutely kept his white gown from looking bridal, the black leather gloves are unexpected, and there is no way that dress is staying on without boob tape.

Austin - He made a gold dress covered with black tulle. I find it boring.

April - Everything about this red dress looks like an accident.

Michael - Michael blew the rest of the designers out of the water this week. His dress looked expensive and flawless. I can totally see a rich talentless slut wearing this dress.

Kara, April, and Sweet P are on the bottom and Sweet P is out. Sorry Sweet P.

Anthony, Michael, and Austin are on the top and Austin wins. Congratulations, Austin. I didn't love Austin's dress, but obviously Mrs. Teasdale did:

Project Runway All Stars, Premiere: Are they all stars?

uh, no

Isaac Mizrahi: "I suggested they call it Project Runway Some Stars, but no one ever listens to me."

Probably for the best. In fairness, though, all but one of these designers either made it to the final or came within one elimination of making it to the final. And all but one of these designers made a final collection or decoy collection. OK, I'll just say it: I don't know what Elisa is doing there. Was Ari Fish not available?

Ari Fish: "I am so totally available!"

Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually offering you a job. One more question: Where is my beloved Daniel Franco?

Daniel Franco: "They must have misplaced my number."

I'm sure that's it.

But we do have some genuine stars: we have Austin and Mondo and, um, Kara and ... uh ... well, we have Austin and Mondo and Kara. That's enough. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I love most of these designers, I'm just not sure they would all top my list of Project Runway stars.

Other Eric is thrilled that the show is only one hour. I, on the other hand, think they edited out a little too much. For instance, we didn't even get to see Kara's or Sweet P's garments walk the first runway. Was that just an editing mistake?

Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to spend a lot of time trying to memorize the contestants' names. I already know them! Unfortunately, I don't know who the host is and I'm really too lazy to try to remember her name, so I'm just going to pretend that Isaac is the host, head judge, mentor, and producer. It's just easier that way. You know what? I'm going to make Isaac play the part of all the models, as well.

Isaac: "I love that idea!"

OK, so the designers are:

Mondo: The designer most cheated out of a win.
Michael: The designer with the most frightening family life
Mila: The queen of color-blocking
Anthony: The queen of tacky prom dresses
Jerell: The designer I completely forgot about but apparently really liked
Elisa: The designer who makes the first elimination easier
Austin: The grande dame of Project Runway
Kenly: The one everyone hated, though I don't remember why
Rami: The queen of draping
Gordana: The one everyone loved, though I don't remember why
April: The really young designer (practically a fetus)
Kara: Pure fabulousness
Sweet P: Why the hell not?

The designers will be playing for a boutique in Neiman Marcus, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, some sewing machines, and a wad of cash.

Isaac: "Those prizes are worth, like, a billion dollars."

Isaac is not really good at math, but I think he's pretty close on this one. That prize package is amazing.

First we see a fashion show of recent looks that the designers brought with them to the competition. Most of them aren't bad. Kenley's is probably the worst, but that's partly because Isaac, her model, is just not full-figured enough to fill out the hips on that gown:

Isaac: "Yeah, I've been working out. Also, I'm wearing Spanx."

The designers watch a video of Valentino, cry, and then go to a 99 cent store. They have to use unconventional materials to create a look inspired by their first looks that they brought with them.

They head back to the design room and meet their mentor, Joanna Coles, who reminds me of someone:

Joanna Coles: "I'm tough, I'm talented, and I'm taking over."

Yep, that's it.

Joanna Coles: "I'm here to whip you losers into shape. And I couldn't be more excited about being forced to work with one of you for a year at Marie Claire. I can hardly wait for that to happen."

On to the drama in the design room. April and Michael are creating almost the same dress out of mop heads! This is going to get ugly! Let's check in on them:

April and Michael: "Whatever."

OK, so that wasn't quite as exciting as we thought. If only we had a true star to add some drama to the proceedings:

Austin: "YOU CURSED GLUE GUN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! MY DRESS IS MELTING! MELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Austin: "You're welcome."

It's time to start the runway, and Isaac comes out wearing an adorable little dress that Wendy Pepper made for him out of Fruit Loops:

Isaac: "One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

Austin made a green plastic dress that he was able to repair after accidentally melting a hole in it. It could have been cute if he hadn't stuck so much crap onto the waist. The inspiration from his first dress is clear.

Kara made a braided pink top and a black table-cloth skirt. It's basically the same as the outfit she made for the Garden Party challenge in season 2. It's fine, but it's not very creative, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with her inspiration look, and, again, the model, Isaac, just doesn't have the hips to pull off this look.

Jerell made a beautiful dress out of cheap scarves. It's just fabric, so it's definitely not a very creative use of materials, but it is really well done.

Elisa made some sort of beach wear. She painted a shower curtain. It's art, people.

Rami made an amazing plaid suit out of laundry bags. We can just end the season now and declare him the winner.

Sweet P made a tiered terry cloth dress. If I saw this dress on the street I would not guess that the materials came from a 99 cent store. I would guess that the dress, itself, came from a 99 cent store.

Mondo made a very nice trash bag dress. Probably the second best trash bag look in Project Runway history. (If you can correctly name the best trash bag look in Project Runway history, you will win a position as guest editor at Marie Claire for a year. Marie Claire won't actually know that you are the guest editor, but you will know, and that's all that matters.)

Kenley made a cocktail dress out of a bath mat. I guess her inspiration was the awfulness of her first dress.

Gordana made what I assume is meant to be some sort of clothing item. It's really as good as anything she's ever made, in my opinion. And I find it almost as bewildering as her first look, so I guess it meets the inspiration part of the challenge.

Anthony made a very nice little purple dress that is exactly like every other dress he's ever made, except that this one is made out of paper.

Mila made a cute striped dress out of gift bags. I kind of love it.

Michael made a shapeless dress out of mop heads.

April made a dress out of mop heads that looked just like Michael's, except that it was good.

The judges like Rami's, Mondo's, and Jerell's. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!

The judges hate Sweet P's, Gordana's, and Elisa's. Elisa is out.

Isaac: "Elisa, I love the sacred geometry of this look. I think the chi is perfect and it gives off a really positive aura."

Elisa: "I don't know what you're talking about, Isaac. They're just clothes."

Yeah, sorry, Elisa. Look, you are clearly an amazing person. I'm sure your customers really appreciate the positive energy flowing from your garments and that your blessings are worth every penny. BUT NONE OF THAT SHOWS UP ON TELEVISION! This show is just not the right fit for you.

And that's the premier! Oh, wait, we have a guest comment from Michael Kors:

Michael Kors: "Elisa's garment looks like what a hooker would wear to a reincarnation."