Project Runway All Stars, Premiere: Are they all stars?

uh, no

Isaac Mizrahi: "I suggested they call it Project Runway Some Stars, but no one ever listens to me."

Probably for the best. In fairness, though, all but one of these designers either made it to the final or came within one elimination of making it to the final. And all but one of these designers made a final collection or decoy collection. OK, I'll just say it: I don't know what Elisa is doing there. Was Ari Fish not available?

Ari Fish: "I am so totally available!"

Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually offering you a job. One more question: Where is my beloved Daniel Franco?

Daniel Franco: "They must have misplaced my number."

I'm sure that's it.

But we do have some genuine stars: we have Austin and Mondo and, um, Kara and ... uh ... well, we have Austin and Mondo and Kara. That's enough. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I love most of these designers, I'm just not sure they would all top my list of Project Runway stars.

Other Eric is thrilled that the show is only one hour. I, on the other hand, think they edited out a little too much. For instance, we didn't even get to see Kara's or Sweet P's garments walk the first runway. Was that just an editing mistake?

Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to spend a lot of time trying to memorize the contestants' names. I already know them! Unfortunately, I don't know who the host is and I'm really too lazy to try to remember her name, so I'm just going to pretend that Isaac is the host, head judge, mentor, and producer. It's just easier that way. You know what? I'm going to make Isaac play the part of all the models, as well.

Isaac: "I love that idea!"

OK, so the designers are:

Mondo: The designer most cheated out of a win.
Michael: The designer with the most frightening family life
Mila: The queen of color-blocking
Anthony: The queen of tacky prom dresses
Jerell: The designer I completely forgot about but apparently really liked
Elisa: The designer who makes the first elimination easier
Austin: The grande dame of Project Runway
Kenly: The one everyone hated, though I don't remember why
Rami: The queen of draping
Gordana: The one everyone loved, though I don't remember why
April: The really young designer (practically a fetus)
Kara: Pure fabulousness
Sweet P: Why the hell not?

The designers will be playing for a boutique in Neiman Marcus, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, some sewing machines, and a wad of cash.

Isaac: "Those prizes are worth, like, a billion dollars."

Isaac is not really good at math, but I think he's pretty close on this one. That prize package is amazing.

First we see a fashion show of recent looks that the designers brought with them to the competition. Most of them aren't bad. Kenley's is probably the worst, but that's partly because Isaac, her model, is just not full-figured enough to fill out the hips on that gown:

Isaac: "Yeah, I've been working out. Also, I'm wearing Spanx."

The designers watch a video of Valentino, cry, and then go to a 99 cent store. They have to use unconventional materials to create a look inspired by their first looks that they brought with them.

They head back to the design room and meet their mentor, Joanna Coles, who reminds me of someone:

Joanna Coles: "I'm tough, I'm talented, and I'm taking over."

Yep, that's it.

Joanna Coles: "I'm here to whip you losers into shape. And I couldn't be more excited about being forced to work with one of you for a year at Marie Claire. I can hardly wait for that to happen."

On to the drama in the design room. April and Michael are creating almost the same dress out of mop heads! This is going to get ugly! Let's check in on them:

April and Michael: "Whatever."

OK, so that wasn't quite as exciting as we thought. If only we had a true star to add some drama to the proceedings:

Austin: "YOU CURSED GLUE GUN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! MY DRESS IS MELTING! MELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Austin: "You're welcome."

It's time to start the runway, and Isaac comes out wearing an adorable little dress that Wendy Pepper made for him out of Fruit Loops:

Isaac: "One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

Austin made a green plastic dress that he was able to repair after accidentally melting a hole in it. It could have been cute if he hadn't stuck so much crap onto the waist. The inspiration from his first dress is clear.

Kara made a braided pink top and a black table-cloth skirt. It's basically the same as the outfit she made for the Garden Party challenge in season 2. It's fine, but it's not very creative, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with her inspiration look, and, again, the model, Isaac, just doesn't have the hips to pull off this look.

Jerell made a beautiful dress out of cheap scarves. It's just fabric, so it's definitely not a very creative use of materials, but it is really well done.

Elisa made some sort of beach wear. She painted a shower curtain. It's art, people.

Rami made an amazing plaid suit out of laundry bags. We can just end the season now and declare him the winner.

Sweet P made a tiered terry cloth dress. If I saw this dress on the street I would not guess that the materials came from a 99 cent store. I would guess that the dress, itself, came from a 99 cent store.

Mondo made a very nice trash bag dress. Probably the second best trash bag look in Project Runway history. (If you can correctly name the best trash bag look in Project Runway history, you will win a position as guest editor at Marie Claire for a year. Marie Claire won't actually know that you are the guest editor, but you will know, and that's all that matters.)

Kenley made a cocktail dress out of a bath mat. I guess her inspiration was the awfulness of her first dress.

Gordana made what I assume is meant to be some sort of clothing item. It's really as good as anything she's ever made, in my opinion. And I find it almost as bewildering as her first look, so I guess it meets the inspiration part of the challenge.

Anthony made a very nice little purple dress that is exactly like every other dress he's ever made, except that this one is made out of paper.

Mila made a cute striped dress out of gift bags. I kind of love it.

Michael made a shapeless dress out of mop heads.

April made a dress out of mop heads that looked just like Michael's, except that it was good.

The judges like Rami's, Mondo's, and Jerell's. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!

The judges hate Sweet P's, Gordana's, and Elisa's. Elisa is out.

Isaac: "Elisa, I love the sacred geometry of this look. I think the chi is perfect and it gives off a really positive aura."

Elisa: "I don't know what you're talking about, Isaac. They're just clothes."

Yeah, sorry, Elisa. Look, you are clearly an amazing person. I'm sure your customers really appreciate the positive energy flowing from your garments and that your blessings are worth every penny. BUT NONE OF THAT SHOWS UP ON TELEVISION! This show is just not the right fit for you.

And that's the premier! Oh, wait, we have a guest comment from Michael Kors:

Michael Kors: "Elisa's garment looks like what a hooker would wear to a reincarnation."