Project Runway All Stars Episode Five: What Not to Wear!

First of all, I have to apologize because my computer is dying, so I’m going to try to make this quick. It’s that time again, when I have to convince Other Eric that he needs a brand new computer so I can inherit his hand-me-down. Wish me luck.

We start the episode with the designers accosting people in Union Square, which has been magically transported to the middle of Central Park (don’t ask). The designers offer strangers a credit card with their name on it and five thousand dollars to buy a new wardrobe. But there’s an All Stars catch. They have to throw out their entire existing wardrobe and learn to shop by our rules. What do you say? Is it a deal?

Oh, alright. That’s not the challenge. But when I explain the real challenge you are going to wish it were. The designers have to find a muse to use as inspiration for a fashion forward look. During judging we are told that they were supposed to update the muse’s look, which is slightly different, but whatever. Make sense so far? Well, no; there’s already a problem. If you find a muse with a sense of style you really love, you shouldn’t need to update the person’s look, right? They’re looking for a muse with an outdated look? I don’t get it. Anyway, it gets worse. They are first told to buy the clothes from their muse. But then apparently they can get clothes from as many people as they like, so the clothes don’t have to be from their muse? Again, I don’t get it.

There are two or three fun challenges conflicting with each other here. There are just too many elements that don’t work together.

Jerell: “Too many elements that don’t work together is my middle name!”

Seriously. This challenge is perfect for Jerell.

The two designers who actually find muses are Mondo and Austin. They are also, coincidentally, the top two designers for this challenge. The other designers just find some fabric they like.

Anthony tells us he has personality so he knows how to get a man:

Anthony: “You go to a park, find a hustler, and offer him money to take off his pants. You’re welcome.”

Yeah, that is not the first time that guy has taken off his clothes for a stranger in a park. Just saying.

So, the designers have $150 for this challenge. But, since they spend most of the money in the park, they are almost penniless when they get to the fabric store.

In the next scene we see Kara standing at a freeway off ramp with a sign reading: “Unemployed All Star. Need $3 for thread. Please help.”

Oh, these poor designers!

Mitt Romney: “Well, I don’t care about poor designers.”

How can you say such a horrible thing?

Mitt Romney: “You took my statement out of context. Typical liberal media. If you had let me finish, you would have understood that what I meant is I don’t care about them because they are whiney and annoying.”

Actually, I can’t argue with him on that one.

Mitt Romney: “Let them eat cake!”

You should stop talking now.

Back in the design room, most of the designers seem to know what they are doing, but Michael and Anthony are having problems:

Anthony: “I have a brain storm.”

Austin: “You mean you are brainstorming ideas?”

Anthony: “No, my doctor actually gave me the diagnosis. I’m suffering from a brain storm. It’s fatal. My only option is to go to a tropical island and jump into an active volcano to appease the gods and save the native people.”

Austin: “Oh, I think you mean you have a brain cloud.”

Anthony: “Right. That’s it. A brain cloud.”

Meg Ryan: “You were diagnosed with a brain cloud and you didn’t get a second opinion?”

Anthony: “I asked for a second opinion so the doctor also told me my shoes were ridiculous.”

Now it’s time for the segment of the program we call, Well, that went nowhere:

Michael: “So, Mila, you aren’t going to believe this, but Kenley created Kara’s entire outfit while Kara just slept and ate Doritos for two days!”

Mila: “What?! God! Kenley is such a bitch!”

Michael: “Yeah! What are we gonna do about it?”

Mila: “Nothing!”

Michael: “OK!”

Well, that went nowhere.

Time for the runway, with guest judge Some Hockey Player:

Michael created sort of a swimsuit, which wasn’t really the challenge. The peach lace fabric is nice but it looked better as the original shorts, so he did nothing to improve it.

Austin thinks he made a high fashion version of a punk goth look. What he actually made is a sad costume for an Aeon Flux sequel. The judges think his muse would love it, but I can tell you she would not be caught dead in it. Or alive, for that matter.

Kara (or Kenley) turned a blue maxi skirt into some great-looking pants. It’s definitely a better version of what her muse was wearing.

Mila made a cool pair of jeans and a top. 

Jerell made something practically indescribable. The closest thing I can think of is a beach cover-up. But then it had a jacket-less jacket on top. You wouldn’t wear it to the beach. So it isn’t made to be worn at all. That’s fine. So, is it a work of art? Unfortunately, no.

Rami made a decent outfit with a cool striped top and shorts that were not as amazing as the judges made them out to be.

Kenley made a cute dress that was different from her usual cute dresses. But it looked like the original striped fabric was only used for the yoke of the dress and the majority of the striped fabric came from Mood. Am I wrong?

Anthony made a nice red jumpsuit that was turned into geriatric wear by the addition of a turban. Most of the fabric was bought at Mood and it really had nothing to do with his muse.

Mondo turned his muse’s cool patterned dress into some shorts and made a nice jacket out of some jeans and another jacket. It’s obviously more stylish than Austin’s fake goth look.

Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo!

Isaac and Georgina start arguing:

Isaac: “Nobody loves a jumpsuit as much as I do.”

Georgina: “No, I love them more.”

Oh, please. You two can’t even come close to my love of jumpsuits. Don’t try to compete with me.

Anyway, as much as we all love jumpsuits (and I love them the most), Anthony just didn’t meet the requirements of the challenge and he is out. Sorry, Anthony.

OK, off to the Apple Store. If you don’t hear from me in a week, please send a search party.