Project Runway Season Ten, episode 3: Welcome Back, Kotter!

John Travolta: "Seriously? You're doing a 'Welcome Back, Kotter' theme this week, just because previous designers are coming back? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of and I refuse to be involved. Good luck doing it without me."

Well, up your nose with a rubber hose. OK, so there will be no theme this week. Just the facts. The designers are making red carpet looks for designers from previous seasons to wear to the Emmys. Why these designers will be going to the Emmys is not explained. Also not explained is what the hell Lexus has to do with any of this:

Tim: "Everyone knows that all great fashion design is inspired by Lexus, the greatest car ever in the history of the world. Just look at it. Have you ever seen anything so magnificent?"

It looks like a car.

Tim: "Maybe to the untrained eye. But if you drove it you would understand what it means to truly be free!"

Can we please get on with the show?

Tim: "Not until you go test drive a Lexus."

I AM NEVER GOING TO BUY A LEXUS! JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Tim: "Geez, Louise. I was just trying to add some glamour to your life. Some people just refuse to take my advice. Carry on."

So, anyway, back to the challenge. The designers express their feelings about the red carpet:

Ven: "I've been watching the red carpet arrivals on television since I was a child. I can tell you are intimidated by that, but I don't care."

Kooan: "This challenge makes me sad. And when I'm sad I'm not happy. And not being happy makes me sad. I don't like being sad."

Raul: "I hate the red carpet. This was the one thing I didn't want to do. I was hoping this challenge would take place on the fourth week, after I was already eliminated."

The designers will be working in teams of two:

Christofur and Andrea are working with Anya:

Anya: "I don't really like to show my stomach on the red carpet."

Christofur: "Ha ha! Don't worry, we would never do that. We are only going to show your cleavage and your ass crack."

Anya: "Um..."

Back in the design room, Christofur is mystified by a request to alter the design:

Anya: "Could you cover the cleavage with a piece of fabric?"

Christofur: "What are you talking about? Are you all insane?"

Meanwhile, Andrea is not working fast enough for Christofur. She seems completely oblivious of the fact that they are running out of time:

Andrea: "Merrowing, merrowing, merrowing, merrowing, life is but a dream."

A merrowing machine, by the way, is the same thing as an overlock or serger. I had never heard it called that before, but I looked it up and it turns out the machine was invented by a Mr. Merrow. Isn't it amazing that someone as knowledgeable as I am can still learn things? Life is full of surprises.

Their resulting "gown" is fascinatingly horrid. It is completely inexplicable. Anya suddenly has the bust of Queen Elizabeth II. How is that possible? Did they stuff a diaper into her top?

Sonjia and Nathan are working with Valerie. Absolutely nothing interesting happens.

Elena and Buffi are working with Laura Bennett:

Elena: "Growing up in Ukrain, I spent every day fighting off packs of wolves that were trying to take my food. But nothing could prepare me for the harrowing experience of working with Buffi." 

After all the drama of Elena walking out of the design room and Buffi missing dinner, the resulting gown was not bad. It should have been in the top two.

Ven and Fabio are working with Kenley. They make the same dress she is already wearing, but in a fancier fabric and with added fullness on the top, which, in my opinion, doesn't look good with a full skirt.

Gunnar and Kooan are working with Irina:

Irina: "I can't wait to have you two freaks make me a gown! I am so glad I agreed to this!"

The resulting white gown is not quite the tragedy I expected, but it's still pretty bad. The judges, of course, love it and it is in the top two:

Irina: "Please, I'm begging you, don't make me wear this to the Emmys!"

Alicia and Raul are working with Mila:

Alicia and Raul: "We are actually menswear designers, so we want to make a menswear-inspired look."

Mila: "That sounds great!"

Alicia and Raul: "That's what we want to do. But that isn't what we are actually going to do."

Mila: "oh."

Yeah, this was bizarre. If they had thrown a wad of fabric at Mila it would have looked better than this. No, I take that back. I think that's what they actually did.

Dmitry and Melissa are working with April:

Dmitry: "I found the charmeuse."

Melissa: "Is it chartreuse?"

Dmitry: "No, I couldn't find any chartreuse charmeuse."

Melissa: "If we don't get the chartreuse charmeuse we're going to lose!"

Fortunately, they find some charmeuse in silver and, against all odds, create a beautiful, interesting gown that looked good on April and could be worn on the red carpet. It was by far the best thing on the runway. The judges don't even put it in the top two. Was it not Lexusy enough?

Raul is out. Ven wins.

Kenley, of course, is causing her usual problems:

Kenley: "I love the dress! It's exactly what I wanted!"

God, she's such a bitch.