Project Runway Season Twelve, Episode Four: Tie One On!

In a very special episode of Project Runway, we celebrate a landmark Supreme Court decision that will allow Americans to marry who they choose. That’s right: going against centuries of church doctrine, the court will now allow couples to start getting divorced!

This means Ashton Kutcher is finally free to remarry!

Antonin Scalia: “Ooh, I hope he picks me!”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: “Bitch, get in line.”

Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge?”

OK, so we start the episode in the middle of an argument taking place in the arrivals area of the airport. Sandro and Helen are screaming at each other as they are walking to baggage claim. Sandro trips Helen with a luggage cart and she throws gum in his hair. They get into a car with the words “Just Married” written on the rear window. What’s going on? Were they on their honeymoon? After dropping Helen off at her family estate, Sandro storms off very dramatically. Listening to his messages, he hears a message from Helen’s ex-boyfriend, which sends him into a rage. He smashes the answering machine -- whatever that is -- and then disappears. 

What’s happening? I feel like we’ve been dropped into the middle of a story.

36 HOURS EARLIER:

oh. It’s a sophisticated narrative framing device. Now I get it. Thank goodness. We’ll finally get some answers.

So, now we start at the beginning of the story. It’s a beautiful summer day and we see Sandro playing football on the beach. He makes a bad throw and accidentally hits Helen in the face with the football. But she’s fine. They stare into each other’s eyes and it’s love at first sight. They go to a bar and get to know one another over a game of pool. We learn that Sandro is a wannabe sportscaster working as a traffic reporter on the graveyard shift and Helen is a rich girl who works at Sotheby’s and...

Sorry, I’m going to have to stop this right here. I paid $2.99 to stream this movie on Amazon but I’m five minutes in and I already want to take my own life. I also just remembered that Brittany Murphy is dead and now I’m sad. I’m afraid we’re going to have to shift gears. 

Let’s try this again:

The episode opens with the designers standing next to a trashed vintage Mercedes convertible in the middle of the desert. Tim is on his cell phone talking to Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s fiance, telling him they aren’t going to be able to make it to the wedding because Sandro has disappeared. What’s going on? I feel like we’ve been dropped into the middle of the story:

36 HOURS EARLIER:

oh, right. it’s that narrative framing device again. I get it. Well, good, now we’ll get some answers to our questions.

We flash back to the beginning of the story. The designers are preparing for Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s bachelor party in Las Vegas:

Tim: “This is a bow tie challenge, if there ever was one!”

Was there ever one?

Tim: “Not that I’m aware of.”

uh ... just get on with the explanation.

Tim: “This is my one chance to get away from my wife and kids and really cut loose. So I’m embezzling the money from Parson’s field trips so we can upgrade to a suite at Caesars Palace. Let’s get out of here fast, before any more of my loser students ask me dumb questions.”

Sue: “Is it the real Caesars Palace? Like, did Caesar actually live there?”

Tim: “What?”

Sue: “Is the hotel pager friendly?

Tim: Sue, I never know what you’re talking about.”

The designers have a recommended budget of $200 to spend for their night out on the town. Sue somehow spends twice as much as everyone else and she disappears for a while:

Sue: “I was meeting someone at the liquor store. Here, everyone, let’s make a toast to Jesse Tyler Ferguson!”

Everyone takes a drink.

Sue: “I have an admission to make. I just slipped all of you ecstasy.”

Tim: “Oh, my God, Sue! Why did you do that?”

Sue: “I just wanted you to have a good time.”

In the next scene, the designers are waking up in the work room at Parson’s. The place is a mess, with bow ties all over everything and a few random chickens walking around. Also, there is a baby in the L’Oreal hair and makeup studio and Karen is missing a tooth. It turns out it wasn’t ecstasy that Sue slipped them, but rufilin.

Sue: “sorry about that.”

Nobody can remember anything that happened the previous night and Sandro is nowhere to be found.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson: “We have to find Sandro! He’s going to be the best man at my wedding!”

Dom: “I don’t want to alarm you guys, but there’s a Bengal tiger in the Brother sewing room.”

Sue: “See? This is why I hate sewing machines.”

Tim: “Everyone, calm down! Let’s just retrace our steps. Alexander, grab that baby and let's get the car from the Parson's valet!”

So they all pile into a stolen police car and start driving around looking for Sandro. Helen gets shot in the face with a stun gun and would have been eliminated from the competition but she has immunity:

Nina Garcia: “I’m beginning to wonder if working with Kate was the only reason you weren’t shot in the face with a stun gun last week.”

Wow, Nina, was that really necessary? Anyway, they manage to get the Mercedes out of the police impound lot and they find a clue that leads them to a wedding chapel. When they get there they learn that Bradon got married to his partner of twenty years:

Bradon: “I was going to wait until the episode aired to tell him we got married, but then I realized he was there so he probably knows. I’m just so happy we get to grow old together!”

OK, we’re all totally crying right now. Bradon wins the challenge. But now we have to get back to the search for Sandro. So the designers return the tiger to Michael Kors, who rewards them with a really impressive version of a Phil Collins number. Then they take all the money on their GoBank cards and gamble with it to get enough money to buy back Sandro, but it turns out they accidentally got the wrong Sandro! How is that possible?

Sue: “Oh, did I forget to mention that my drug dealer is also named Sandro?”

Tim: “Sue, what are we going to do with you?”

Sue is clearly on the bottom and is about to be eliminated. This is where we catch up to the beginning of the episode, with Tim on the phone with Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s fiance:

Tim: “We’re not going to make it to the wedding ...”

Just then, Ken runs over and knocks the phone out of Tim’s hand:

Tim: “Why the hell did you do that?”

Ken: “I just figured out where Sandro is!”

Tim: “Oh, fantastic! Where is he?”

Ken: “He’s at the corner of Get A Map and Who Gives A Shit!”

Tim: “You’re right. We don’t really need him. OK, Sandro is off the show and nobody gets eliminated this episode. We have a wedding to get to!”

Jesse Tyler Ferguson gets married and sells a billion bow ties and everyone lives happily ever after except for Sandro.

Sue: “Hey look, everybody! I found my camera. I can’t figure out how it works but I think there are pictures on it from last night!”

The designers agree to look just once at the pictures of their night of debauchery and then destroy the evidence: