Eric’s Holiday Letter, December 2022
Dear friends, family, and advertisers,
As I’m sure you have heard, Eric’s Holiday Letter LLC was recently purchased by Elon Musk for 44 billion dollars. I know. It seems like a lot of money. I asked if he was sure he didn’t mean 44 million. But, no, the offer was 44 billion. With the rising cost of crudités, I kind of had to say yes.
I can see the appeal. This letter goes out to dozens of people every year. But it’s not as profitable as you might think. Elon must have realized this because the deal almost fell through at one point. He made the claim that I was vastly overreporting the number of recipients who actually read my letter and underreporting the number who find it too long and silly. But I proudly stand by my reported metrics: over ten percent of recipients read my letters and almost five percent enjoy them! Any claim otherwise is baseless. I had to go to court, but Elon eventually followed through with the purchase under the original terms.
The day Elon took over, the first thing he did was fire me. The second thing he did was rehire me because he realized I was the only employee and I had the mailing list and the stamps. He then sent out the following email to all the employees (again, it’s just me): Going forward, to build a breakthrough Eric’s Holiday Letter 2.0 and succeed in an increasingly competitive world of holiday letters, we will need to be extremely hardcore. This will mean working long hours at high intensity. Only exceptional performance will constitute a passing grade.
If you are sure that you want to be part of the new Eric’s Holiday Letter, please click yes on the link below. Anyone who has not done so by 5pm ET tomorrow will receive three months of severance.
Whatever decision you make, thank you for your efforts to make Eric’s Holiday Letter successful.
I clicked yes. Here are some of the changes coming to Eric’s Holiday Letter:
1) I now have to pay $8 a year to get the blue check mark that my readers count on to ensure authenticity.
2) I will retain editorial control and have complete freedom of speech, as long as I never criticize Elon Musk.
3) My letters must now be 280 characters in length. (Note: the 280 characters may be repeated an unlimited number of times.)
4) I can no longer squeeze the Charmin.
5) There will be no more telecommuting. I must now go into the Eric’s Holiday Letter headquarters to write this letter. When I explained to Elon that the Eric’s Holiday Letter headquarters are actually located in my home, he got angry and used some words I can’t print here.
6) The public relations department at Eric’s Holiday Letter has been eliminated.
7) I must be willing to work at least once a year. This is part of the new “hardcore culture” at Eric’s Holiday Letter.
8) Eric’s Holiday Letter will have to fully move its operations to Mars by 2050 at the latest.
9) I have been encouraged to wear adult diapers while writing this letter. Apparently, my insistence on taking bathroom breaks every eight hours was deemed excessive.
10) I am not allowed to form a union.
11) In the near future, Eric’s Holiday Letter will have the ability to write itself when in autopilot mode.
12) I am no longer allowed to write my letter in the form of lists, which is a lazy way to fill space.
In closing, I am sharing the following letter (slightly edited) from Elon Musk to the advertisers:
Dear Eric’s Holiday Letter Advertisers,
I wanted to reach out personally to share my motivation in acquiring Eric’s Holiday Letter. There has been much speculation about why I bought Eric’s Holiday Letter and what I think about advertising. Most of it has been wrong.
The reason I acquired Eric’s Holiday Letter is because it is important to the future of civilization to have a common written town square, where a wide range of beliefs can be debated in a healthy manner, without resorting to violence.
In the relentless pursuit of readers, many traditional holiday letters have focused on personal events and important milestones of the previous year, as they believe that is what brings in the money. But Eric’s Holiday Letter stands apart by providing no useful information at all.
That is why I bought Eric’s Holiday Letter. I didn't do it because it would be easy. I didn't do it to make more money. I did it to try to help humanity, whom I love. And I do so with humility, recognizing that failure in pursuing this goal, despite our best efforts, is a very real possibility.
That said, Eric’s Holiday Letter obviously cannot become a free-for-all, where anything can be said with no consequences! In addition to adhering to the laws of the land, our letter must be warm and welcoming to all, where you can choose your desired experience according to your preferences, just as you can choose, for example, to see movies or play video games ranging from all ages to mature.
I also very much believe that advertising, when done right, can delight, entertain, and inform you; it can show you a service or product or medical treatment that you never knew existed, but is right for you. For this to be true, it is essential to show readers of Eric’s Holiday Letter advertising that is as relevant as possible to their needs. Low relevancy ads are spam, but highly relevant ads are actually content!
Fundamentally, Eric’s Holiday Letter aspires to be the most respected advertising platform in the world that strengthens your brand and grows your enterprise. To everyone who has partnered with us, I thank you. Let us build something extraordinary together! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love,
Eric and Elon
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