Top Chef recap: Where the hell are my lichees?!

Seriously, who knew lichees could be so exciting? Apparently they have the ability to ruin careers. If I could just figure out a way to harness their power to bring down the Bush administration!

For the quickfire they have to make sushi. Mia is bent over by the fence. Did she find some evidence? No, she's gonna puke. I think it's morning sickness. OK, who got Mia pregnant? We're not starting this challenge until someone fesses up!

For the elimination challenge they are split up into a Korean team and a Vietnamese team. Each team has $500 to feed 1,000 people. OK, I'm not that good at math but I think that's 50 cents per person. I'm pretty sure that can't be done. So, they are obviously not making 4,000 servings of food. I'd love to know how much food they really are making and how they decide that. (They mention 250 spring rolls but how did they come up with that number?)

Team Vietnam immediately makes Josie the leader, creates a menu, calculates costs, and makes a shopping list.

Team Korea immediately creates Sangria and gets trashed.

A little later and team Vietnam is planning everything out while team Korea is now doing Jello shots and dancing the limbo. OK, turn down that damn music and listen up! I'm only going to ask this one more time: who got Mia pregnant?

Next day we are at the grocery store and it's like the allegory of good and bad government frescoes by Lorenzetti at the Palazzo Publico in Florence (too much?); team Vietnam walks in, grabs what it needs, pays for everything, and gets back to the kitchen. Team Korea, on the other hand, stumbles into the store, starts fighting, can't find anything, and leaves without paying.

As they get into the van Otto says something to Marisa:

Otto: "Ha, ha, I did it; I got out without paying for the lichees! Suckers!"

Marisa: "What? I didn't quite catch that."

Otto: "I said I just stole a case of lichees."

Marisa: "I'm not sure I understand. I'll let that sink in and then bring it up again once we get to the studio."

Otto: "Sounds like a plan."

At the event Michael is sawing away at the spring rolls, making a huge mess:

Michael: "Man, I have no idea what I'm doing here."

Josie: "Don't worry; I'll do it."

Michael: "Stop talking to me like I'm a child!"

Josie: "Calm down; I just said I would cut the spring rolls if you're having a problem."

Michael: "Don't act like you're the only one who's talented enough to cut spring rolls! I'm not your bitch, bitch!"

He should probably shut up. I'm pretty sure Josie could kick his ass.

Betty is flirting with 1,000 people. That's hard work! Love her!

At the judges table:

Team Vietnam wins! Betty is chosen the individual winner because of her aloe drink and because she's such a huge tramp. Congratulations, Betty! She wins a knife. I'm not a chef so I don't understand what a great prize this is. Apparently this is a really cool knife. Possibly even better than a Ginsu knife. Betty loves it so that's nice.

Team Korea is a mess. Otto, who originally admitted to Tom that he said they got the lichees for free when they were leaving the store, now tells the judges he didn't say that. I have never seen such a look before as the look on Marisa's face. I will have nightmares about that look.

The judges tell Marisa that the panacotta was so hard they chipped their teeth. Marisa says she made it perfectly and it must have been some unpredictable weather patterns or alien force that made it inedible. The judges ask Elia if she would serve that at her restaurant:

Elia: "Um, well, I'm not really into gelatin so I'm not really qualified to have an opinion on that."

Marisa: "You said it was good, you bitch!"

Elia: "I take it back. I am qualified to say that desert was shit."

Frank doesn't seem to understand that the team already lost and sticking together is not going to keep one of them from being kicked off the show. But come on, he can't even make rice.

Frank: "No one betrays the family."

Team Korea: "We get it Frank, you're in the Mafia. Can you give it a rest?"

Otto realizes he's getting the ax so he heroically quits.

And what about the lichees? They're just sitting innocently on a shelf like nothing happened. Bastards.