Top Chef Recap, Episode 10: Craft, Kraft, Coincidence?

Press Release from Kraft Foods:

We at Kraft Foods were disappointed not to be involved with one of the murders in the last episode and so we've decided to sponsor the Quickfire challenge this week. No one will be murdered immediately but many people will probably die prematurely from eating our products so we think that's almost as good. Thank you.

But before we get to the Quickfire we have to endure Marcel rapping on the roof:

My name's Marcel and I'm here to say
I'm the next Top Chef of the USA!
People don't like me 'cause my attitude
But I just say, "Hey, whatever, dude."

Oh, my God. Please make it stop!

OK, so the chefs have to make a snack using Kraft Mayo, Kraft Zesty Italian Dressing, or Kraft Barbecue Sauce.

Why?

Sam: "Who cares? I'm just happy my freakish love of mayonnaise is finally going to pay off!"

Ilan, still being a total dick, tries to make fun of Marcel by making a zesty Italian foam. Zesty Italian foam? Yeah, that's what she said. Ha, ha! What? Anyway, the joke is on Ilan because the foam didn't work. So who's the dick now, huh? Oh, yeah, it's still Ilan.

Sam and Marcel "win" the opportunity to pick their team members for the elimination challenge. Marcel picks Elia and Cliff. Sam picks Ilan and Michael. They have 24 hours to create new restaurants, from concept, through designing the space, planning a menu, shopping and cooking, to serving 2 dozen people. When the chefs mention how much work this is Tom says he knows because he has experience with this.

Oh, really? You've created an entire restaurant in 24 hours?

Tom: "Well, no."

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Sam, Ilan, and Michael create a Tuscan-themed restaurant, sort of casual Italian ...

Tom: "'Sort of' isn't a concept"

Sorry, it's totally casual Italian!

Tom: "That's better."

Sam: "We're naming this restaurant Lalalina after the women in our lives. So it better be good because I really don't need something else for my girlfriend to bitch about."

Sam and Ilan decide they don't have money for wine, which is a really huge mistake. They tell Michael, who is buying the dishes, not to buy wine glasses. Somehow he doesn't realize this means he should use the extra money to buy olive-pit dishes. What a dope. He's kicked off the show. No, really, he did seem to contribute the least to this challenge but I don't think he should be blamed for the stupid olive-pit dishes. Sam and Ilan should have been able to find decent, affordable wine.

Marcel, Elia, and Cliff create an "upscale diner," serving "the wold's most adequate burger." Marcel serves raw chicken ...

Marcel: "What? That's how the young people are eating it now."

Yeah, well, he makes up for it by making really good tempura vegetables. Cliff, who insisted on doing the front of the house, is exceptionally bad at it and really annoys the judges. Both teams make terrible desserts but at least the diner team doesn't make Gail vomit: Sam's watermelon with burned goat cheese is an instant classic; easily the worst dish ever made on Top Chef. Gail is totally offended that someone made her eat something so disgusting.

Sam: "If a big-name chef made that dish you would have loved it."

Gail: "No, I'm pretty sure I still would have puked."

Tom: "Well, somehow we didn't manage to get a prize this week so I'm just going to pretend like you were all so bad that I can't pick a winner."

I can hardly wait for next week's product placements! Can you?