Project Runway Season Five, episode three: Constipation!

For Other Eric's recap click here!

Hi! I'm back from a visit to the land of my ancestors: central Illinois! My grandfather, who is almost completely deaf from riding around on tractors and being yelled at by my grandmother, kept Fox news blasting at top volume except when a baseball game was on. I've never been so happy to watch baseball in all my life. Did you know liberals are the new Ku Klux Klan? I learned that from Bill O'Reilly.

Anyway, I didn't have access to the Internet or to Bravo (except for one night in a Motel 6) so I'm sorry I haven't visited the blogs for a while and I missed a week of posting. But Other Eric did such a good job covering for me that I'm sure you barely noticed I was gone. You ingrates! Seriously, thank you for being so supportive of the fine work Other Eric did while I was away.

So, I managed to watch a repeat of last week's episode in a Motel 6 in Kansas (!) while I was driving back to Los Angeles with my mother. She had never seen Project Runway before so I give you a couple of her reactions:

On Heidi:

My Mom: "Why is that woman's skirt so short?"

Me: "That's one of the great unanswered questions of the universe, mom."

On Tim:

My Mom: "I don't like that man. He's very critical."

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen: my mom doesn't like Tim Gunn! What am I going to do with her?

So, anyway, last week the fabulous Natalie Portman was hawking her shoes, the adorable Wesley was sent home for his horrible mess (Wah!), and Pleather won the challenge and continued to annoy the other contestants by claiming to be bisexual. Seriously, everyone is assuming that he is talking about himself in the third person but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he may be talking about another person who is just coincidentally also named Pleather. Eric and I have this problem all the time when we talk about each other.

Can I just say that I loved the twist where the models picked the fabric? Well, I did. The results were pretty crappy but I liked the challenge.

On to this week! Heidi asks her usual question:

Heidi: "Hey Tim, is this skirt too short?"

Tim: "[sigh] yes."

Heidi: "You didn't even look!"

Tim: "I don't need to look at you to know that your skirt is too short."

Heidi: "Ha! I tricked you! I'm wearing jeans!"

Good one, Heidi!

The designers are sent back to the apartments to prepare for a night on the town. None of them fall for it. They think it would be nice to go out to dinner or a club but they know they won't.

Tim dresses them in body condoms and drives them around the city in an open-topped bus provided by Saturn. The designers will be taking pictures of New York that inspire them. I guess this is going to be the season where we just repeat challenges from previous seasons. Yes, I know; this is totally different because it's at night and the designers are dropped off in different parts of the city.

What is inspiring the designers? Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Terri is taking pictures of graffiti.
Kelli is taking pictures of police caution tape.
Daniel is taking pictures of dirty water.
Stella never figures out how to use the camera.
Keith is taking pictures of fabric.
And Blain takes a picture of an orchid in Michael Kors' studio:

Michael: "Get out of my studio, you orange-skinned freak!"

The next day the designers choose one photograph and then head to Mood.

Stella never figures out how to use the fabric store.

Terri is choosing a fabric with all the colors of her graffiti in it. Seriously, Terri? Well, at least it isn't the same fabric Austin used in season one.

Stella is hammering gay little grommets into her precious leather. It's pissing everyone off. It makes Blaine so mad he eats Kenley.

Tim tells Emily that her garment is a disappointment. Emily takes this as a mixed review. I guess it was a mix of bad review and a negative review.

Tim asks Terri whether she's going for an "Oh, my God" moment or an "Oh, my God" moment. Terri clarifies that it will definitely be an "Oh, my God" moment. Tim says, "Oh, my God, I hope so."

Tim then hollers at his boy and goes home.

The next day, Keith's model drops out and is replaced by Austin Scarlett.

The guest judge this week is the 19th-c. French stage actress Sarah Bernhardt.

Keith made a dress covered in little squares of fabric. I guess I see the shredded newspaper influence but it doesn't quite work because it's too shapeless.

Blaine attached a rainbow flag to a black dress. I don't get it. His photographs was cool, though.

Joe's little cocktail dress looks exactly like his photograph of a light fixture. I hate it.

Emily attached orange and yellow ruffles to a black dress. It looks like Blaine's but it's even worse.

Leanne created a cute skirt and top based on a photograph of a planter grate. I don't know if it represents New York at night but it's pretty good.

Jennifer realises that her dress is not that great. The clock inspiration was a good idea. It just didn't translate into the dress.

Jerell made a dress that is a little too formal for a fun night out on the town. I don't see the inspiration of the photograph. It's kind of pretty, though.

Kelli created a look based on a black fire hydrant. I kind of like it.

Daniel created a dress based on a blank wall. It was about as exciting as looking a blank wall.

Kenley created a dress that is so ugly I can't look at it.

Pleather is worried that his dress doesn't look like New York. It's a valid concern but I like the dress.

Stella . . . I don't know what to think about this outfit. It wasn't bad but it wasn't very exciting, either.

Korto made a jumpsuit. I love jumpsuits because people are so scared of them and I think she made a good one. I just don't think it was very inspiring.

Terri . . . Oh, my God.

Terri: "See! I told you!"

No, really. Oh, my God. The model worked the crap out of that outfit but nothing could save it for me. I hate that fabric.

The judges were apparently smoking the same thing the designers were this week. They love Kenley's horrific dress because they think someone who had never seen clothes from the 80s would like it. And Terri's fabulous model was able to trick the judges into thinking her outfit was fabulous. The judges were able, however, to notice that Leanne's garment was very good and that Emily's was awful.

Kenley wins. I'm not with the judges on this one but, since I wasn't very impressed with any of the garments this week, I don't really care.

Emily is out. They got that right.

Nina: "As Editor-at-Large for Elle magazine, which is a completely made-up position, I believe it is beneath my dignity to comment on that dress."