Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Eleven: Rock out with your Glock out!

Lifetime: "Stay tuned for the most shocking event in Project Runway history! Isn’t the suspense killing you? Everyone already knows Maya will be leaving the show. But why? Why does she leave? You’ll just have to watch the episode and find out! No, stop begging me to tell you what happens. I know you’re dying to find out but I’m not telling you. Watch the episode. So exciting! . . . Oh, alright, I’ll tell you. She just quits."

Oh, my god! Why would Lifetime do that? I spent all week trying NOT to find out why Maya left. Why give that away before the episode even starts?

Anyway, last week Emelio won and Anthony was sent home. Jonathan pulled an Emilio and blamed his near loss on his model, causing Cerri to be sent home.

Heidi introduces this week’s challenge:

Heidi: “This week you will be designing for a celebrity. I can’t tell you who it is but I can say that this celebrity has a reputation for speaking in a German accent and being constantly pregnant. Also, this celebrity is a total bitch! Ha ha ha! See, I can say that because I’m talking about myself. Oops.”

So, yeah, the secret celebrity is Heidi and the designers will be making her a red carpet look.

Heidi: “And I’ll be modeling all the looks but I’m giving birth in the morning so I won’t have this baby bump by tomorrow afternoon. Keep that in mind.”

Now, a “red carpet look” can mean almost anything, depending of the event, but the pictures we are shown from Heidi’s dossier indicate that the designers should probably be creating very glamorous gowns.

The designers start working and Maya, in her very calm and quiet way, completely freaks out. She tells Tim that she just isn’t ready to make a collection. She is worried that a bad collection will hurt her, so she’d rather not take that risk. We are shown a clip from several weeks ago, in which Nina tells her that her work is referential and the guest judge tells her that if her collection isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread, her career will instantly be over. Obviously, that clip has been running on a loop inside her head. Oh, please.

Emilio: “That is such a Cop Out, which, by the way, is the best buddy movie since Turner and Hooch. I highly recommend it.”

I completely agree with Emilio. Well, I haven’t actually seen Cop Out, but I agree with him about Maya. Throwing away such an amazing opportunity is really pathetic.

Seth Aaron: “You have no idea what it’s like! You have no right to sit at home and judge Maya for leaving! F@#k off!”

Oh, my god, it's like Seth Aaron is speaking directly to me from the television! And he's right. I’m not there so I don’t know what it’s like. I have no right to judge. And yet, I totally will. Deal with it.

The designers go to Mood and then start working.

Jonathan decides that since the judges disliked his work in the last challenge, he will just ignore the fact that the judges have sometimes liked his work. Obviously, he needs to create something really, really crappy because that is what the judges want. What a Cop Out.

Emilio: “Go see that film!”

Anthony returns!

Seth Aaron: “Don’t sit at home and judge! They had to bring someone back! It’s just like a football game!”

A really really gay football game.

Seth Aaron’s model, Valeria, decides at the last minute to take the Donna Karen job she had been offered. After making a huge scene at the last model selection by announcing her dedication to Seth Aaron and saying she turned down the job, she has now changed her mind, leaving him in the lurch after he already started making a gown to her measurements.

Heidi makes her rounds in the design room. She shows Jay what breasts look like. Who knew? She gives Jonathan some bad advice:

Jonathan: "Heidi told me to make this really twisty, drapey dress, which will be completely impossible to do. So I'm going to do that and then blame her for the terrible results."

That's a total Cop Out (in theaters now). His client gave him her opinion but it's up to him as the designer to translate it into something that will work. And, while I think his first dress would have been better than his final look, I can understand why Heidi wasn't loving it. I'm a fan of his cut-work but it really wasn't working on that upholstery fabric he was using.

Anthony makes a dedication:

Anthony: "I'd like to thank Jesus for making Maya freak out and leave."

Tim gives his regularly scheduled plug:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall sporadically."

The guest judge this week is Jessica Alba, who is appearing in the new film Cop Out. What? She's not in it? Are you sure? Have you actually seen it? I didn't think so.

Another disappointing runway. Three perfectly fine and thoroughly boring red carpet gowns and three really weird cocktail dresses that don't fit the challenge at all.

Jay - Jay likes big butts and he cannot lie. Those other judges can deny.

Mila - She misunderstood the challenge and made a dress for the Real Housewives of Project Runway.

Seth Aaron - This was not a very interesting gown, but, for some reason, I thought it looked really good. However, it was completely wrong for Heidi.

Jonathan - What a mess.

Emilio - A perfectly executed, completely uninteresting gown.

Anthony - The judges are all over the place on this one. While Heidi loves it, Jessica thinks it's beautiful. Michael thinks it's great, but Nina says it's stunning. There seems to be no consensus.

The designers leave so the judges can discuss. Nina explains that Jonathan's dress is like a vampire: it won't photograph or show up in a mirror. Heidi explains why Anthony is there:

Heidi: "Anthony was let go. Due to the recession, we had to cut back on the designers last week. But Maya decided the pressure of the show was too much for her and left."

Jessica: "Competing on this show is hard, but it's nothing compared to the real world."

OK, first of all, Jessica Alba doesn't know what it's like to compete on this show. Secondly, Jessica Alba does not live in the real world. Having said that, I completely agree with her:

Seth Aaron: "Well, both you and Jessica Alba can f@#k off!"

Heidi announces the results:

Heidi: "We don't have a winner for this challenge."

As it should be. The looks are all completely inappropriate or boring.

Heidi: "We have two winners!"

Son of a bitch.

Emilio and Anthony both win. Congratulations. They were both pretty dresses.

Jonathan is out. He blames his loss on the fact that the other designers had much more time to complete their looks than he did. What a Cop Out. Not as big a Cop Out as quitting, though. Or naming two winners for no reason. That was a total Cop Out.

Seth Aaron: "F@#k off! You have no right to judge the judges!"

This Eric3000 post was brought to you by Cop Out (rated R for excessive terribleness), starring Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, and possibly Jessica Alba. "Two thumbs up," raves Kevin Smith.