Project Runway Season Nine, Finale Part II, otherwise known as the Finale!

Other Eric: "That's it. I'm never watching this show again. Until next season."

Yeah. Well, that finale was a perfectly appropriate ending to this season.

Zanna Roberts Rossi: "You mean because it was the most exciting season in Project Runway history?"

You know what, Zanna? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. I really like your sparkly silver dress, though.

So last time all four designers were sent through to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. The girls wonder if the boys are really happy for them. They aren't. The boys think they have a 25% chance of winning. They don't. They bid farewell to the Hudson and head to the design room, where Tim gives them a sob story:

Tim: "The critiques by the judges hurt me more that they hurt you. It was like the judges slapped me in the face. No, actually, it was worse than that. Remember when Liza Minnelli's boyfriend threw battery acid in her face in Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon, and she had to move in with an epileptic and a homosexual in a wheelchair because she was an outcast from society? That's how I feel."

Designers: "Is that what you came to tell us?"

Tim: "Oh, I'm sorry, no. I wanted to say that Viktor, I liked your jacket over your gown even though the judges didn't, Kimberly, I liked your accessories even though the judges didn't, Josh, I liked your weird catsuit even though the judges didn't, and Anya, you look very pretty. I hope that makes you all feel better."

The designers get 30 minutes and $500 to make improvements to their collections. Kimberly decides to remake her bubble skirt in black, Josh decides to alter his catsuit, Anya decides to make even more print dresses, and Viktor decides to get rid of everything good in his collection and replace it with crap.

The designers go to Mood and Viktor explains what he's looking for:

Viktor: "I'm looking for sheer fabric. Sheer means it looks like it's covered but it's not because you can see through it."

Yes, thank you for clearing that up.

They go to Garnier and L'Oreal:

Anya: "My models looked too done. I want them to look easy, breezy ..."

Collier Strong: "Don't say it!"

Anya: "Covergirl."

Collier: "GET OUT!"

Josh explains what he wants:

Josh: "Yeah, it was yeah, so just yeah ... Yeah!"

Collier: "I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking mascara."

Josh: "No, thanks. I'm already wearing mascara."

Collier: "Not for you. For your models."

Josh: "oh. right. I keep forgetting that other people exist."

Back in the work room Josh has a meltdown for no reason and Anya says her goodbyes:

Anya: "I wish my collection were better so that when I win it will feel more like I deserve it."

Tim: "That's what we all wish for, Anya."

Tim makes his final rounds and starts saying bizarre things:

Tim: "Joshua, I think your style is sophisticated and elegant and I see your client eating at the Four Seasons."

Josh: "Tim's hallucinating! He may be having a stroke! Call 911!"

We get shots of the designers putting the finishing touches on their collections: Kimberly is putting in zippers and waistbands, Anya is making an entirely new collection, and Viktor is repairing the Brother sewing machines and flossing his teeth. But not at the same time. Because that would be gross.

The designers walk to Lincoln Center:

Kimberly: "It's anybody's game at this point."

Except that Anya is going to win.

Kimberly: "Well, yes, obviously."

The designers try to get ready for the show but Kimberly can't find her sewing kit. Clearly the producers stole it so she wouldn't win. The producer manipulation this season is so blatant! Anyway, Anya lets Kimberly use her sewing kit. Take that, producers!

Meanwhile, Josh can't believe people are sewing models into dresses right before a fashion show, because THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!:

Josh: "I. Will. Not. Have it."

Josh storms out of Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week.

The guest judge is L'Wren Scott, a major fashion designer I've never heard of.

We start with Kimberly. Maybe I went into this with low expectations, but I really loved her runway show. The styling was much better; it even improved the first look, which was probably my least favorite. The bubble skirt looked much better with the cream jacket. And Heidi's complaint about it having poofy shoulders was completely off base. There were some great looks and they all gave off a similar vibe. But there was a lot of variety, which apparently made Michael Kors think it didn't work as a collection:

Michael: "A collection should just be the same look repeated over and over."

Well, then I think you're going to love one of the upcoming collections!

I also liked Josh's collection more than I thought I would. There were a few really nice pieces. I wish he had done more with the neoprene and less with the plastic, which looked gimmicky and painful. The black billowy dresses were kind of ugly. The neon-green shorts were super-unattractive:

Nina: "The green shorts looked terrible on the runway, but they looked great in photographs. And the only important thing about clothes is that they photograph well."

Viktor messed up. After last week, I was rooting for him to win. But I think he went to Fashion Week with a winning collection and then edited it into a losing collection. The prints and the tailored pieces were really great. But he took out some of the most beautiful pieces and replaced them with really tacky black sheer looks. His collection could have survived a couple of those looks, but not five. He says it doesn't matter because winning would have just been the cherry on his sundae. Well, I really hope he's happy with that ice cream because he lost his cherry:

Viktor: "Excuse me?"

Sorry. You know what I mean.

Anya's collection was nice. I liked most of the pieces. I do think she has a great eye for prints and she could probably have a very successful resort-wear label. But the looks all blurred together. There was a little bit of variety, but not enough to prevent it from feeling like you were looking at the same dress in different fabrics.

The designers are asked why they should win:

Anya: "I demonstrated tenacity and I have a distinct point of view."

Josh: "I learned to edit and I have a distinct point of view."

Viktor: "I'm passionate and I have a distinct point of view."

Kimberly: "Point of view, point of view, point of view, point of view."

The judges have a long chat:

Heidi: "We all know point of view is the most important thing in fashion, and all four designers just told us they have distinct ones. In fact, the one thing their points of view all have in common is how distinct they are. How could we possible choose?"

Michael: "Well, Kimberly isn't going to win."

Heidi: "That goes without saying."

Nina: "Kimberly makes great clothes, has a very clear style that is under-represented in the market, and would have a huge potential audience. Obviously she's just not ready."

What about Anya? They are impressed that she waited until the last minute to create her collection:

Michael: "I love that she is such a procrastinator!"

L'Wren: "Yeah, that's exactly how the fashion industry works: we sit around doing nothing for months and then create collections in two days!"

Heidi announces the winner:

Heidi: "Designers, there are many losers today, but only one of you can be the winner!"

Anya wins. Oh, calm down, you knew it going to happen.

OK, so I really liked Kimberly's collection and it would have been really exciting if she had won. But if something exciting had happened on this show I probably would have dropped dead of a heart attack. So I guess it's for the best. If Viktor had knocked it out of the park like he should have, I would have been upset about him not winning. But he didn't knock it out of the park. And Josh's collection was probably more interesting than Anya's, but there were also some really ugly pieces, so I can't say I really wanted him to win, either. So, there you go; Anya's collection wasn't my favorite, but I liked the individual looks. I don't think anyone else was robbed. So congratulations, Anya!

But what if Anya didn't even make those clothes? What if the real designer was actually Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford? It's a perfectly legitimate theory that deserves as much attention as any other.

Thanks for reading! See you in 2012 for All Stars!