Project Runway Recap: Season Two, Episode 5: Here Come the Models. All Dressed in ...

Austin is still crying from last week. OK, not really. He's moved on to complaining about Wendy:

Austin: "I'm emotionally bleeding. Wendy stabbed me in the back. She tried to shoot me in the back but her earrings jammed so she had to stab me instead."

[Check out Project Rungay for a great close-up of Wendy's earrings]

So, we start with Heidi making a very strange announcement to the designers:

Heidi: "Four of you are gone!"

Designers: "We are? What does that mean? You're scaring us!"

The designers pick models. They are then informed that their models will also be their clients:

Jay: "I assumed this would be a challenge for which it would be appropriate to have a crack whore for a model. I never would have picked Morgan had I known."

The designers need to make a wedding dress that will make their models happy. The models, of course, all want the most tacky dresses possible:

Kayne Gillespy: "What? Did someone say my name?"

Sorry Kayne; not that tacky.

Tim: "I don't care what you were told about this challenge. Your models are very young and, for the most part, not very bright. If you think their involvement in the fashion industry has given them a sense of style, you would be sadly mistaken. If I'm being too subtle, let me put it another way: your models should not be allowed to dress themselves in the morning, much less help you design a garment. Just nod and smile and ignore everything they say."

Oh, why don't people listen to Tim?

Let's check out some of the ideas the models have:

Morgan: "I want it to be see-through!"

Julia: "My favorite color is leopard print!"

Olga: "I want it covered in diamonds. And I want it to have a car seat."

What?! We eventually figure out she was saying "corset."

We discover the models have been dreaming all their lives of the day when their wedding dresses could be made really cheaply in two days for a design challenge. They all drag in their boyfriends, some of whom do not look at all thrilled about their unexpected impending weddings.

Olga sees Kevin putting crystals on her dress:

Olga: "What the hell is that? I wanted real diamonds!"

Later, when Olga puts the dress on, we start to think maybe Morgan isn't so bad:

Olga: "Oh, my god. I've never worn a dress that wasn't lined in silk. I think I can feel my flesh peeling off. Would someone please kill me?"

Later that night:

Olga: "Oh, my god. I can't sleep. I'm so uncomfortable. What's wrong?"

Kevin has placed a single pea under her mattress.

At this point my notes say, "Austin in dying."

Now I don't find this at all surprising because that sounds like the kind of dramatic thing Austin would do. But, of course, my notes were referring to him dyeing, as in dyeing fabric. He snaps on latex gloves like Deborah Harry popping pimples in Hairspray. And he's wearing a trash bag tied at the waist. It's not a great look. But it's so much better than the awful dress he ends up making that I wish he had put his model in a trash bag and sent her down the runway.

Wendy: "Oh, my god! That dress is so great! I couldn't have dreamed of anything better (to compete against)!"

Austin: "What was that? I missed that last part."

Wendy: "Oh, I just said what a talent you are. (Yeah, right.)"

Austin: "What?"

Wendy: "Nothing!"

The designers go out drinking. Even Austin goes this time. Is he out of fresh socks?

Rob is trying to impress Alexandra with his really butch gymnastics routine. The plan was going perfectly until ...

Alexandra: "Um, no; I was never interested."

Well, anyway, the routine was going perfectly until he falls and cuts his head open:

Rob: "No, not the hair! I'm not letting them touch my hair! I'll lose all my sexual prowess! I'd rather bleed to death! Oh, why couldn't I have fallen on my face?"

Back in the design room the models are being major pains in the you-know-what:

Kara: "Models are easily distracted. If you don't have anything shiny just tell them the fabric is really expensive. Works every time."

Wow, I'm having a hard time remembering why I don't like her.

Nora is having trouble with her roses:

Nora: "I got a dye called "wine." I can't figure out why the roses are wine colored and not bright red. Oh, what fucking difference does it make?"

Exactly! Nora loses.

Wendy's dress is white with red lacing and trim. It looks like the model got in a fight with her new Motorala RAZR phone.

Kara's dress is low cut in the front and low cut in the back. And low cut on the sides. Just kidding. It's very pretty. What else is there to say? Kara wins.

Jay's dress is also very pretty. I think if Morgan had been able to walk in it he might have won. Somehow he managed to give Morgan exactly what she wanted while completely ignoring all her ideas! He's a genius!

Austin's model, Julia, comes out. Heidi throws up a little in her mouth:

Julia: "All my life I've dreamed of getting married in the ugliest dress ever made!"

Austin: "She wanted something unconventional."

No; this is not Julia's fault. unconventional does not even begin to explain this atrocity. The judges don't think it is appropriate as a wedding dress. I don't think it would even be appropriate for a colorblind prostitute.

Anne Slowey is a judge. I miss Nina. I'm just saying. Anne's only claim to fame is pointing out when there is too much tootie showing. So I'm wondering why she didn't have a little talk with Heidi about the black dress she's wearing. Uh, Mr. Seal? We can all see your wife's business.