Top Chef Chicago, episode seven: whose dish is it, anyway?

So, last week Ryan "pretty boy" Whatever went home and now the house is looking a lot uglier, according to some inside sources:

Andrew: "Wah."

Jen is still there, doing it for Zoi. She is tired of being in the middle and wants to try being on top:

Spike: "You're really turning me on. Yay, lesbians!"

Johnny Iuzzini, a foreplay specialist, is the guest judge this week. For the quickfire, the chefs have to live their worst nightmare. No, not the one involving Ryan Seacrest. The other one. The one where they have to make dessert:

The chefs crap in their pants. And not culinarily.

Padma: "I'd like to introduce you to Top Chef: the book."

I think I'll just wait for the movie.

Padma: "Hardy har har. Very funny. Seriously, this book contains recipes from all the seasons of Top Chef."

OK, I want it.

So the chefs are freaking, as usual, about making dessert. They're yammering on about how they aren't pastry chefs and how you actually have to measure things and it's so hard and they'd rather die and blah blah blah:

Lisa: "Baking is so different because if you forget an ingredient, like baking soda, you're fucked."

Here's a radical idea: DON'T FORGET THE BAKING SODA! See how easy that was?

OK, the desserts were very impressive. Most of them looked very good. I think I would have been happy to get almost any of those desserts in a restaurant (except for Mark's little blobs of meringue, or whatever they were).

Dale, Richard, and Lisa are the top three and Richard wins immunity and a spot in the Top Chef cookbook.

The chefs go to an improv show at Second City. I still have no idea why.

The audience calls out random words that will be the inspiration for the dishes the chefs will make in the elimination challenge. So it's a little like the movie inspiration challenge except not good.

Richard marinates tofu in rendered beef fat. He imitates Jerry Seinfeld and actually makes me laugh so I am not going to call him a douchebag this week.

Spike finally gets to make his precious squash soup:

Antonia: "If he wins for that, I swear I'm going to vomit in my mouth."

That's quite a threat.

Antonia: "No, really; I'll do it!"

The chefs realize there are no electrical appliances at all. No Vitapreps, no Robocops, nothing!

Dale: "There are no Robocops!"

Andrew: "What; no Robocops?"

Dale: "No, there are no Robocops!"

Andrew: "What are we going to do without a Robocop?"

Things are looking pretty bad for the chefs. Will they be able to cook without a Robocop? You'll have to wait to find out until after the Eric Three Thousand commercial break:

SoyJoy: it will make it stop raining on your head and possibly take care of all your lady problems or something like that; It's a little hard to tell. You should buy it.

Welcome back to the recap. So, will the chefs be able to cook without electrical equipment?

[dramatic pause]

yes.

The chefs get their second twist of the evening when they learn that they will have to finish and serve their dishes back at the house.

Spike and Andrew make "vanilla love," a squash soup with vanilla crème fraîche. The judges love it.

Stephanie and Jennifer make "orange turned-on asparagus," which was a completely awful looking dish with a small salad and orange vinaigrette, a piece of toast, some asparagus, and a gigantic revolting slab of cheese. In other words, it wasn't so much a dish as it was a bunch of completely unrelated items on a plate. The guests loved the performance that went with the service of the dish but they hated the actual dish. Jen says that the dish represents a ménage à trois. Ted Allen points out that there are too many elements on the plate to be a ménage à trois; that it's more like an orgy. Some other guest misses the point and states that an orgy should have too much going on. Ted slaps the woman and explains that the dish is not supposed to be an orgy; it's supposed to be a ménage à trois. The woman finally admits that she has never actually been to an orgy and everyone has a good laugh. Oh, and I made all that up. Ted didn't slap her. Obviously, he punched her in the face.

Richard and Dale made a perplexed tofu steak with green curry:

Spike: "I don't understand."

That's the point. The judges love it.

Antonia and Lisa made drunk sea bass with purple potato purée and chorizo. They were supposed to make Polish sausage. I don't actually know what Polish sausage is so I didn't mind that they used chorizo instead. But the judges were not happy. And they presented the dish by drinking tequila in front of the judges but not giving them any. It was supposed to be cute but it did not go over well.

Mark and Nikki make purple depressed pork with bacon. Wait, more purple? Yeah, I think Antonia and Lisa were really supposed to use magenta. Mark says the pork is depressed because it doesn't like brussels spouts. The judges ignore this and make up their own explanation, deciding that the dish is appropriate because it is comfort food that you would want to eat if you were depressed. They like it.

Bravo: "Was Jennifer and Stephanie's presentation a) sexylicious, b) funny, or c) leave it to the pros?

d) please shut up.

At judges' table, Dale, Richard, Spike, and Andrew were the favorites

Tom: "The best seasoned seasoning of the season."

Spike: "My mother always said that making a really good soup is the best test for a chef."

Ming Tsai: "I'm the one who said that."

Spike: "Mom, is that you?"

Ming Tsai: "Son? I can't believe I found you after all these years!"

That was touching.

Richard and Dale win. Yes, they both win. Yeah, both of them! They each win $2,500 worth of Calphalon cookwear, which comes to about one frying pan each. The guest judge has to model the product for them. I'm so embarrassed for him.

Stephanie, Jen, Antonia, and Lisa are the bottom four. Wow; the two women's teams are on the bottom, the two men's teams are on the top, and the bisexual team of Mark and Nikki is right in the middle. That's pretty weird.

Antonia and Lisa are pissed that they are on the bottom just because they didn't use Polish sausage:

Antonia: "The next time I'm given Polish sausage in an improv challenge, I promise I'll make Polish sausage. And don't eliminate me or I'll vomit in my mouth. I'm not kidding around; I'll really do it."

The judges talk about the rules of the challenge, although I don't remember hearing about any rules.

Jen is out because there wasn't enough orange. Orange you glad it wasn't Stephanie?

Congratulations, Bravo; this episode was perfectly in tune with its inspiration: it was almost as boring, annoying, and pointless as a real improv show. Tune in next week when the chefs are joined by a bunch of Oompa Loompas.

Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Six: Getting a little tailgate!

Last week, as you'll remember, we had a total Bravo Top Chef Smackdown:

Ferocia Couture: "Hey, why wasn't I invited?"

Let's check in with the chefs:

Jen: "I can't believe Zoi is gone and I really miss Zoi and Zoi is such a good chef and . . ."

Boy, I hope we get to hear all about Zoi for the rest of the season.

Jen: "Zoi, Zoi, Zoi, Zoi!!!"

Spike: "Yay, lesbians!"

Oh, shut up. Look, it isn't Spike's fault Zoi is gone. He probably shouldn't have said the mushrooms needed more seasoning but he wasn't telling the judges anything they didn't already know. And even though all he did was shave the meat, which seems really easy, apparently it isn't; apparently shaving raw meat really thin for carpaccio takes some skill and the judges had no problem with that part of the dish. So the judges did what they had to do. If Zoi is going to allow herself to keep getting stuck with the most thankless jobs in all the team challenges, then she isn't cut out for this competition.

Spike: "Everyone is just jealous because I'm so talented."

Seriously, shut up. So, what about Dale and Lisa?

Dale: "Lisa, I really want to apologize for pointing out what a bitch you are. Everyone already knows you're a total bitch so it was really unkind of me to tell you what everyone is thinking and I'm really sorry about that."

Lisa: "That was the worst apology ever."

God, she's so negative! OK, on to the quickfire:

Nikki: "So we go into the kitchen and there's all this beer and I'm thinking . . . what? What are you staring at? Do I have a gigantic ball of hair stuck onto the back of my head or something?"

For the quickfire, the chefs need to make a dish that pairs well with a specific beer they get to choose. A couple of the chefs admit they have no idea what they are doing. So, in other words, if they make something decent, it will be a complete accident. That's sure to impress the guest judge. The art of pairing food with beer is about 60% making good choices and about 40% total bullshit; so you can't admit that you don't know what you are doing.

Jen picks a beer:

There is a knock at the door:

Jen: "Who is it?"

Voice: "Mrs. Andersonnesberghhhh?"

Jen: "What?"

Voice: "Flowers."

Jen: "Flowers for whom?"

Voice: "Plumber, ma'am."

Jen: "I don't need a plumber. You're that landshark, aren't you?"

Voice: "Candygram."

Jen: "Oh, did Zoi send me a candygram? Have I mentioned how much I love Zoi?"

Voice: "Oh, forget it. I'd rather starve than have to hear about Zoi any more."

Sorry. Back to the quickfire. The judge has taken a vow of silence so she will be using sign language to pick the winner.

Spike keeps it really simple by not actually making anything:

Spike: "You just don't get it."

Jen: "Ha ha!"

Nikki and Dale are also at the bottom:

Lisa: "Dale's dry pork is a direct result of the way he yelled at me last night. I hope he learns his lesson."

Nikki: "When I think of beer I think of really crappy fried food so that's what I made."

Jen makes something fluffy, Stephanie makes delicious-looking clams, and Richard also makes something the judge likes. Jen wins!

Jen: "Thank you so much for this recognition. I have so many people to thank but, most of all, I would be remiss if I didn't thank the love of my life, Zoi."

Fine. For the elimination challenge, the chefs will be preparing food for a tailgate party at a Bears game:

Dale: "I live for sports!"

Mark: "Why do you call football 'soccer'? You Americans are so weird. Why are we being forced to play football? I didn't come here to play football."

Padma: "No one asked you to play football, you freak. You're just cooking before a game."

Mark: "Oh."

Spike buys every chicken wing in Chicago:

Spike: "You have a problem with that?"

No. Richard is making a pâté melt:

Richard: "Get it? A pâté melt? It's just me being a douchebag."

Thank you for not making me say it.

Nikki gets store-made sausages. And then she gets shrimp so people won't have to eat her main dish.

Mark: "Great. How am I supposed to throw a shrimp on the barbie when someone else is already doing it?

You mean like the Australians?

Ryan: "I thought he was from New England."

Ryan is not a sports fan:

Ryan: "Do I look like a sports fan?"

Do I look like I would know what a sports fan looks like?

Ryan: "I'm one of those - what's the word? - oh, yeah, metrosexuals."

No, I think the word you're looking for is "douchebag."

Antonia looks at Tom and says she's picturing big fat men who like to drink a lot of beer.

Tom: "That hurt my feelings."

Back at home, Spike and Mark are falling in love:

Spike: "OMG, I just LOVE his curly hair and his cool New England accent. Doesn't it just make you melt?"

Note to Andy Cohen: This is a bromance. A bromance is an unusually close friendship between two heterosexual men. Ben and Ronnie was not a bromance. Thank you.

So the crowd shows up for the "tailgate" party. There isn't a tailgate in sight, by the way.

OK, so I have to give credit to Mark for using charcoal but it was obviously a bad choice. I think one reason he was so disorganized was because he had to spend extra time messing with the charcoal.

Dale is so excited to see Gale Sayers. Well, who wouldn't be? He's also excited about serving William "The Refrigerator" Perry. I actually know who that is. Yeah, I remember the "Shuffle."

Spike is trying to make up for knowing nothing about sports by really unsuccessfully trying to act like he knows something about sports:

Spike: "So, when's the last time the Bears won the Superbowl?"

God, what a stupid question. The Superbowl is baseball, right?

Ryan is schmoozing the crowd to make up for the fact that his dish sucks Superhard:

Stephanie: "Me not here to talk pretty. Me here to cook."

Gail is completely delighted by how Supercrazy Andrew is:

Gail: "Isn't he a trip?"

Tom: "Yeah, Gail, he's a trip, alright."

The crowd seems to love most of the dishes. They think Ryan's stupid dish is hard to eat. They also think Mark is messy:

Crowd: "The dish that needed the most help was the one by the Australian."

Oh, My God! He's from New England! How many times do I need to tell you that?

Nikki runs out of food. I'm not entirely sure this is her fault. Maybe she didn't make enough or maybe people came back for more. Was she supposed to turn people away just because the judges came to her last? Other chefs ran out of food but the judges got to them earlier. Oh, well, the store-bought sausage was a bad idea anyway.

Bravo: "Who would you most like to touch in touch football: Padma, Tom, or yourself?

These questions are getting more stupid every week. It's not just me, right?

At Judges' Table Antonia, Dale, and Stephanie are the top three:

Padma: "How do you feel about having the crowd pick the top three?"

Well, obviously they're happy about it. The losers probably don't like it, though. Duh.

Anyway, the judges liked these dishes, too:

Gail: "I was worried about the rosemary. Have I mentioned that I hate rosemary?"

Dale wins with his ribs! Congratulations, Dale! He wins a shirt and a fifty thousand dollar Weber grill. Seriously, those grills are frickin' expensive.

Lisa: "That's what he deserves for yelling at me."

Dale: "Sammy Sosa in the sky with diamonds."

Andrew: "You can say that again."

Mark, Nikki, and Ryan are the bottom three. The crowd did a pretty good job with picking the winners and losers. I think the judges might have had Richard in the top three but, other than that, they seemed to agree. Anyway, Ryan won't shut up about how little old ladies wanted the recipes to his stupid dishes and Tom wanted Mark to strain his chowder. Chowder isn't supposed to be smooth, is it? I've never heard of pureed chowder.

The judges were totally disgusted by Mark's sloppy presentation:

Tom: "His work area was so unsanitary and messy. He was reusing spoons, there was sauce everywhere, there were dingos roaming around taking women's babies. It was terrible!"

Padma: "Ryan, your food was ridiculous. Please pack your knives and go."

Ryan makes a graceful exit:

Ryan: "This is bleeping bleepshit. Oops, I mean bullbleep."

Your favorite Top Chef contestant is linked to your choice of presidential candidate!

Top Chef: Chicago: Meals on Heels, the Mary Kay story!

Padma: "Meals on Heels is the inspiring true story about a tough woman who started her own meal empire!"

[sound of crickets]

Padma: "It's staring Shirley MacLaine!"

OK, I'll watch it.

We start the episode with scenes of Mark sharpening his knife. No, that isn't a euphemism.

The guest judge for the quickfire is Ming Tsai:

Ming: "Taste is very important. We will be testing your taste level by having you choose the higher quality item."

Padma: "So, here are two eighteenth-century chairs. Which one is Louis XVI and which one is a lower-quality provincial imitation?"

Chefs: "Huh?"

Padma: "I'm sorry; that's incorrect. OK, one of these is a genuine Hermès bag and one is a Chinese knockoff. Which is which?"

Chefs: "We don't understand."

Padma: "How about this one: what do you think of my outfit?"

Chefs: "Uh, it's OK?"

Ming: "This is hopeless. These chefs have no taste. Just look at their shoes."

Antonia wins immunity because she had the best taste in movies last week.

The elimination challenge is to make the first course for the 2007 Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball:

Padma: "Your inspiration this week will be the 1970s Chicago musical group Earth Wind and Fire."

Tom: "OH, MY GOD! I LOVE THEM!!!"

Dale thinks Team Fire should try not to be too literal and, instead, base their dish on riddles:

Dale: "When I think of fire I think of devils. Do you think Whole Foods sells Tasmanian Devil meat?"

Lisa: "Yeah, I'm just not really a fan of anything Dale says."

She thinks they should do Asian for Ming Tsai:

Lisa: "I really think the best way to disappoint Ming Tsai is to do Asian."

Lisa is complaining about everything her teammates want to do. Dale is being the Lisa Whisperer and trying to calm her down.

Team Water is using the sous vide technique to poach salmon in water:

Richard: "I think water really brings in the water element."

Uh, yeah, except the diners aren't really going to get that. Why not just serve the fish floating in a bowl of water. I'm sorry, but this dish is conceptually really stupid.

Antonia is forcing Team Earth to make carpaccio even though Spike isn't happy about it. Spike wants to do a squash soup, which sounds like a pretty good idea and Zoi seems to like it, too. In fairness to Antonia, she does actually say she will make squash soup if she absolutely has to:

Antonia: "If you two morons force me to, I will make squash soup. But it's such a terrible idea, everyone will hate it and we will probably never be able to find work again."

Spike: "Well, now you're making me second-guess myself."

The chefs are cooking in the kitchen of the old Marshall Field's building. Mark is surprised by its size:

Mark: "This is how big Yankee Stadium is? That seems a little small for sporting events. You Americans are so weird."

Jen is not fucking around:

Jen: "It's true. I'm not fucking around. Nobody had better suggest that I'm fucking around because I'm not fucking around."

Lisa is bitching about everything and screws up the bacon, which is supposed to be her specialty.

Ryan uses all the pomegranate juice but some of it was supposed to be reserved for the stupid champagne cocktail:

Ryan: "Gosh darn it."

Nikki: "Ryan, swearing like that just brings attention to yourself. Is that what you want? Is this just a desperate cry for attention?"

Nikki talks about Ryan in a private interview segment:

Nikki: "He's a little disorganized. Do you like my hair?"

Tom wants to know who is doing what in the Team Earth dish:

Team Earth: "Oh, it's really a collaborative effort."

Tom: "Cut the bullshit and tell me who made what."

The Richard Blaise charm has worn off Tom Colicchio:

Tom: "I just have to clarify that I never found Richard charming."

So Tom asks Richard what his element is:

Richard: "Obviously it's water. Didn't you notice the blue aprons, dumbass?"

Tom: "Hey, the last time I checked, the sky was blue, too; OK, douchebag?"

Richard: "So we're doing a sous vide salmon. Who does a sous vide salmon anymore, right?"

Tom looks a little confused:

Tom: "That's right. Most people don't do it because it's not very good."

The chefs serve dinner to 80 guests:

Team Water is Mark, Richard, and Andrew and they make poached salmon with faux caviar, parsnip puree and watercress salad. There are scales on the fish and it's not very popular.

Team Fire is Dale, Lisa, and Stephanie and they make grilled shrimp with pickled chili salad, deviled aioli and miso smoked bacon. Everyone seems to love it even though the shrimp is really hot:

Tom: "OH, MY GOD! THAT'S HOT!"

Paris Hilton: "Yeah, that's hot."

Team Air is Nikki, Ryan, and Jen and they make duck breast with citrus salad and pomegranate prosecco aperitif. Some woman is totally irritated with the aperitif. Everyone agrees that little drinks are annoying:

Tom: "I am not a fan of the little drinks. They make my hands look so big."

Seriously, the guests were already drinking champagne, so that little drink was completely pointless.

Team Earth is Antonia, Spike, and Zoi and they make beef carpaccio with mushroom salad and sunchoke aioli. The diners hate this dish. Everyone says how much they would love squash soup instead:

Spike: "See?!!!"

Who deserves a spanking: Antonia, Dale, or Lisa?

America picks Dale? OK, apparently the viewers have a spanking fetish and are attracted to Dale because he really didn't do anything wrong this week.

Team Fire wins, obviously. Congratulations, Team Fire! Lisa wins for making bacon:

Ming: "I've never had bacon before!"

Lisa wins a holiday. Dale is bitter:

Dale: "She made bacon! Are you fucking kidding me?"

The losing teams are brought in:

Padma: "Who cleaned the fish?"

Richard: "In what regard?"

Padma: "In regard to cleaning the fish. I want to know who cleaned it? Do I stutter?"

Spike and Antonia argue about the soup that they should have made.

Zoi is out because she seasoned the mushrooms with rosemary:

Gail: "Rosemary?! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

Back in the waiting room, Spike yells at Antonia for not taking a back seat and letting him and Zoi make the decisions.

For some reason, Jen gets mad at Spike and starts yelling at him like it's his fault Zoi is out.

Then Dale gets in on the act and says that it isn't Spike's fault.

Next, Lisa tells Dale that he isn't helping the situation.

So then Dale yells at Lisa about bitching all night.

Jen kicks a chair into the wall. Problem solved! The end.

Don't bother me. I'm eating.


Sorry! my Top Chef post will be a little late this week because we're going down to Orange County to eat at Chic-fil-A, because we don't have them in Los Angeles. Then we are going shopping at the antique shops in Old Town Orange, looking for something to hang over the bar we just got last weekend at the Pasadena City College swap meet. Oh, that was quite a story! Well, maybe it isn't "quite a story," by I'll tell it anyway:

The bar, which is really just a cabinet with a wine rack and a sliding top that reveals an ice bucket, is a little bigger than we wanted but it seemed to match our furniture perfectly so we got it. Getting it home in my little Civic, however, was a major ordeal! It wouldn't fit in the front seat so we managed to just barely cram it into the trunk. Most of it was sticking out so we were worried it would fall out on the way home and we also thought it was going to be totally scratched up. Fortunately, we made it home safely and a little polish rubbed out any little scratches we made. I had been storing my wine glasses in a hall closet so it's so nice to finally have a cabinet in the dining room. Of course, the wine rack, which is fortunately hidden inside, only makes it more clear that we have a terrible selection of wine. Most of it is either Olivia Newton John's Koala Blue wine or this crappy wine called Papio, which Eric bought because of the cute monkey on the label.


And the previous weekend we finally made our patio livable. We had been waiting to do anything to the patio until our building was painted but that's taking months longer than it was supposed to. So we finally gave in and got a nice little patio set at Ikea for $100; I picked up a few potted palms, which really helps; and we got a cheap gas grill at Target (apparently anything under $500 is a worthless piece of crap but we couldn't afford a decent one).


So George Bush will be so proud of us for doing all this shopping lately! Anyway, the point of this post is just to say that I don't have time to write a post right now but I'll write it Sunday so check back later!

Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Four: Date Night!

Previously on Top Chef: the chefs were forced to beg for food and then Erik was sent home because Tom was jealous of his bald head:

Tom: "How does he get it so shiny?"

Let's check in with the chefs:

Manuel misses Erik. He says something about Erik being a big guy with an enlarged heart:

Manuel: "No, I said he has a big heart."

Oh, good. I was worried.

Manuel also really misses his sons:

Manuel: "I hope it isn't too long before I see them again."

Jen: "Everyone misses their girlfriend or boyfriend or wife. Zoi and I are lucky that we get to see each other and touch each other. But we try to be respectful of the others so we hardly ever have sex on the kitchen counter while other people are around."

Spike: "As much as I enjoy watching them touch each other, I'm ready for one of them to go."

Daniel Boulud is the judge for the quickfire:

Padma: "If any of you don't know who he is, you should just stop reading this blog right now."

Jeez, Padma, you're being a little strict with my readers!

Daniel Boulud: "The most important part of cooking is the technique you use in cooking."

Well, yeah. What else is there?

Padma: "Exactly. So you have to use three techniques to impress Daniel."

Lisa: "Oh, My God! I'm not classically trained so I don't have any technique! What am I going to do?"

What I learned from this challenge is that "technique" means slicing things really thin. Oh, yeah, and cutting an avocado into a little curlicue.

Richard and Ryan have worked with Daniel in the past but he won't hold that against them:

Ryan: "I worked with Daniel really briefly but it just wasn't my style . . . to work with a chef for very long without getting fired."

Richard: "One of my three techniques is restraint."

Daniel Boulud: "What a douchbag."

Dale wins the quickfire and has immunity in the elimination challenge.

Padma: "For the elimination challenge, you need to create a dish and then think of some movie that reminds you of the dish . . . well, that's not really how we wanted to challenge to work but that's what you'll all end up doing. No one ever listens to me, anyway, so just do whatever the hell you want . . . ungrateful little assholes."

Ryan: "What's a 'moovee'?"

It's like a book but with moving pictures and sound.

Ryan: "Interesting. I've never heard of that."

They'll be making dinner for Richard Roeper and his "friend" Aisha Tyler. Ooooh, I think they're dating!

The chefs divide into teams of two and then Dale gets to join whichever team he likes so that one team has three people. That's pretty weird. He joins Richard and Andrew.

Richard, Andrew, and Dale are making the first course and they choose Harry Potter so that Richard can perform some of his culinary magic. Andrew wants to serve the food while riding on a broom but his teammates talk him out of it.

Spike and Manuel team up for the second course. Manuel wants to do Mexican food but Spike has never heard of any Mexican films so they make Vietnamese food so that they can use the film Apocalypse Now.

Jen and Nikki are doing the third course. They wanted to cook Italian food so they choose a Fellini film and create a dish with lots of sex and prostitutes that makes no sense at all.

Mark and Ryan are making the fourth course. They choose Miracle on 34th Street because that's the only film Ryan has heard of:

Ryan: "Remember that scene where Natalie Wood's mother creates a turducken to prove that Santa Clause doesn't exist?"

Zoi and Antonia are doing the fifth course and they want to represent two strong women so first they choose Thelma and Louise. But then they realize they would have to drive off a cliff so they change it to Pedro Almodóvar's Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. Perfect choice!

Lisa and Stephanie make the sixth course. What are the odds they make dessert? That's right; they make beef, instead:

Lisa: "You know what movie I always think of when I think about beef, which is surprisingly often? Harold and Kumar go to White Castle! Oh, My God, just thinking about it is making me laugh!"

Andrew: "The judges are going to culinarily crap in their pants."

I have nothing to add to that.

The chefs go to the grocery store:

Mark: "This is just like the movie It's a Wonderful Life when George wishes he had never been born and then the stores are all out of frozen turkeys so the human race has to live on a diet of fresh cranberries. You Americans are so weird."

In the kitchen, Richard's smoker breaks so they just wave burning wood around the kitchen to flavor the salmon. The judges and other dinner guests love the strange combination of flavors. The fizzy pear drink sounds really good.

Spike and Manuel create a dud with their spring roll. The judges don't like the flavors. I don't like the fact that it looks too big to eat. Everyone figures out the big secret that they chose the food before picking the film.

They like Nikki and Jen's pasta.

They love Mark and Ryan's quail.

The flavors were fine in Zoi and Antonia's chops but the judges didn't get a connection to Spain.

They love Lisa and Stephanie's beef dish:

Ted Allen: "It was delicious. Now, does it say Neil Patrick Harris licking champagne off a woman's breasts in the sun roof of a limousine? Uh, no."

Padma: "Richard, thank you for pretending to host this meal. Now you have to leave so the real judges can talk."

Manuel is out. It probably should have been Spike:

Tom: "Well, they made the decision really difficult for us because they didn't tell us which one of them was to blame. So we just flipped a coin."

Richard wins! Congratulations, Richard!

Zoi: "Well, if they want wasabi celery root foam and chocolate lemongrass tapioca faux caviar, then I give up."

Eric Three Thousand now in 3D!

Through the miracle of science, my blog can now be viewed in 3D! I've incorporated that amazing technology from the posters they used to sell at the mall right into the basic template of my blog! All you have to do is go cross-eyed and stare at the screen for 45 minutes without blinking and you will start to see amazing 3D images! Have fun!