Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode One: I won't call it the premiere because apparently I always spell it wrong!

OK, so picking up from last week's post, with people competing in the Saddest Music in the World contest, I have my own entry. I've been having vision problems in my left eye and no doctors could figure out what was wrong, so it was recommended that I try hard contacts, but those were too painful, so I switched to soft contacts and I was giving them a try, but I'm so used to wearing glasses that I had to go out and buy a pair of fake glasses to wear when I have the contacts in and then, oh yeah, with the contacts I also suddenly need reading glasses so I had to go get reading glasses, except now it turns out my eyes are so dry the contacts have fused to my eyeballs and my vision isn't any better anyway, so, after months of medical appointments I finally found a solution: I'm just going to wear my regular old goddam glasses! If I really need to see something I'll just close my left eye. It could be worse.

Ivy: "I had to volunteer at a soup kitchen because I couldn't afford food."

See? That puts things in perspective. Thank you, Ivy. But I do wonder if she understands the point of a soup kitchen. If she thinks she has to volunteer there to get food, what does she think the clients are doing there?

OK, so here we are again. All of our favorite designers are back. Uh, some of our favorite designers are back? Well, Uli and Andrae are back. And Wendy is absolutely a Project Runway star. And Kayne did have his own show, so that kind of makes him a star. And Anthony Ryan only has one testicle. So there's that.

First, we meet the new host, Carolyn Murphy, who is about as exciting as last season's host. Why can't they get Alexa Chung from 24 Hour Catwalk? She's freaking adorable. Next we meet our wonderful mentor and the only reason to watch this show, Joanna Coles.

Now, to say that Joanna explained the challenge to the designers would be a gross understatement. She explained the crap out of that challenge. That challenge couldn't be any more explained. When Joanna explains a challenge it stays explained. I have never felt as completely satisfied with a challenge explanation. Normally we get the dollar amount and the time-frame but we're left with questions like, "Is that the dollar amount for the whole team?" or "Are they creating the looks together or are they being judged individually?" or "Can they glue the candy onto muslin?" or "Does this mole look funny to you?" But not this time. Joanna Coles will explain it all.

Joanna: "Listen up, designers. I'm only going to repeat this three times, so pay attention. You will be split into two teams and I will start by picking two of you, who are NOT the team leaders, but will simply be the ones starting the selection process. You will each be creating one look, but the looks have to form cohesive collections. There will be a winning team and a losing team. The winning look will come from the winning team and the losing look will come from the losing team. Now, let me explain how the votes will be counted. The founding fathers of Project Runway developed an electoral system based on the concept of separation of powers. What this means is that the mentor is not a part of the judging panel, unlike the system in England. Theoretically, this should prevent the development of a two-party system. Well, as Tyra Banks famously said, Good luck with that."

See, this is where I think you might be over-explaining.

Joanna: "I haven't even gotten to the electoral college yet."

Oh, god, we don't have time for that, Joanna.

Joanna: "OK, if I can just bring your attention to section four, paragraph two, which clarifies the selection of team names. Just randomly pick a word off this board. It really doesn't matter what the word is."

Team Confident is: Kayne, Uli, Casanova, Ivy, Althea, Anthony Ryan, and Wendy

Team Bald is: Joshua, Peach, Laura Kathleen, Emilio, Andrae, and Pleather

Peach: "Boy am I glad I'm not on Team Confident. Because that would be totally ironic."

The designers get to work ...

Peach: "Because I am not confident at all."

Yes, we get it. Anyway, now it's time for the runway, with judges Carolyn Murphy, Isaac Mizrahi, Georgina Chapman, and guest judges Rachel Roy and Mondo:

First up is Team Bald, who decided that cohesive meant each look had to use the same two fabrics. I've never been less upset about the fact that I'm going blind.

Laura Kathleen's look is actually not bad, considering who designed it, but Team Bald is the losing team. Andrae's hilarious garment, Pleather's eye-gaugingly horrible dress, and Peach's tennis-to-suicide look are the bottom three:

Peach: "Well, I ..."

Isaac: "No, stop talking. The more you talk, the uglier it gets."

Peach: "I did the best I could in the situation I was in."

Isaac: "You mean the situation of having to make a decent garment?"

Peach: "Yes. And the best I could do in that situation was to not make a decent garment. Would it help to name-drop my fourth-grade sewing teacher?"

Obviously the question on everyone's mind is, What happened to Andrae? Well, Carolyn Murphy has a question:

Carolyn: "Am I missing something?"

Yes. A personality. But that's not important right now. The important thing is that Andrae is safe and Peach is going home. They had better keep Andrae as long as possible. Because his description of his garment to the judges was the only entertaining part of the show.

Team Confident is the winning team. They go with cream and black, which is no more creative than the other team's blue and black, but each look didn't use the exact same fabric combination so it didn't look as matchy-matchy. Other than Kayne's fabulous train-wreck, most of the collection was nice, if uninspiring. Ivy and Anthony Ryan created the best looks and Anthony Ryan wins:

Anthony Ryan: "Don't misunderestimate me."

We won't. It kind of sucks that he doesn't win anything at all. Usually when there is no immunity there is some other prize, no?

Before I go, I would like to formally apologize to Lindsay Lohan for ever doubting her. She IS Elizabeth Taylor.

Linday Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor

Project Runway Season Ten Finale: My life is an episode of My Life is a Lifetime Movie on Lifetime!

I know you've seen Lifetime movies with stories about women in bad situations, sex scandals, and shocking revelations. And you can't get enough of them, but you wouldn't want to live one.

My name is Eric3000 and my life is as boring and poorly-acted as a Lifetime movie.

The date was October 18th, 2012. I remember the day like it was yesterday, even though it was actually the day before yesterday. My husband told me he was going on a business trip to New York for a week. That's the last time I ever saw him.

Obviously, my first thought was that he was a Cuban spy. But the truth turned out to be even more shocking. It turns out he has another family in New York! All these years, when I thought he was using business trips as an excuse to see Broadway shows and go shopping at UNIQLO, he was actually visiting his brother and sister-in-law and their children. I feel like such a fool. How could I have ignored all the warning signs?

Anyway, after two days, I'm finally starting to put my life back together again. I'm just hoping my inspiring true story can help others.

The role of Eric3000 will be played by James Franco, due to a complete lack of physical resemblance.

So, speaking of things that were apparently written and produced by illiterate teenagers, lets get on with the Project Runway finale.

We start the episode with Christofur complaining about the fact that the judges don't love him any more:

Christofur: "I don't understand why I even have to compete in the finale. Why don't they just make me the winner? It's complete madness!"

His x-ray fabric was nice, if not as amazing as he thought, and he knows how to make some great leather shorts, but the gown was awful and he missed the opportunity to go further with his use of manipulated and shredded fabric, which was his signature. The competition really was his to lose. And he did.

Styling by Modigliani

Nick Verrios: "His different take on that raw edge stuff, I thought that was very chic."

Wrong!

Melissa's collection was fine. The jacket was much better with the cuffs cut off, but I don't understand the point of a leather bathing suit and the hobble skirt was not cool. The red dress was great, but I think I mostly loved the amazing pattern piece she used to make it.

Melissa: "What red dress? Do you mean the blood-orange dress?"

Oh, there must be something wrong with the color on my television. It looked red to me."

Christofur: "It was just red. She has to call it blood-orange to sound more Goth."

Fabio's collection was by far the most interesting. I almost wish I could have seen it. Unfortunately, the lighting was so bad it completely washed everything out and all I saw was a blur of blinding white clothing walking down the runway. From what I can tell, he successfully managed to make his collection not look cheap. I have to credit the show with managing to fool me into thinking Fabio had a chance at an upset win. Of course, that made it that much more disappointing when he didn't. Yes, I really am that gullible.

It's not that I disliked Dmitry's collection. It's that I hated it. The only part of his show that worked for me was the models' eyebrows. I found them kind of mesmerizing, but not enough to prevent me from seeing the clothes.

Althea Harper: "I'm glad I'm not a judge."

So are we.

On to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, voted four years in a row by the London Times as the world capital of sorrow.

The guest judge is the beautiful Baroness Helen Port-Huntley, the owner of the largest beer company in Winnipeg and host of the annual Saddest Music in the World contest.

Sing to me! Make me cry!

Christofur: "My work is a study in deconstruction and reconstruction."

Lady Port-Huntley: "Not sad enough!"

Melissa: "I'm exploring death to life. It's appropriate for spring."

Lady Port-Huntley: "I like the death part. The life part not so much. Next!"

Fabio: "Now it's my time to invest in what I want to do. There are clothing tags that need my name on them."

Lady Port-Huntley: "I've heard sadder stories from Mitt Romney's dressage horse."

Dmitry: "Winning this contest will give me wings to fly."

Lady Port-Huntley: "OK, that's probably the saddest thing I have ever heard anyone say. You win."

Congratulations to Dmitry. He wins Lady Port-Huntley's glass prosthetic legs filled with beer.

"If you're sad, and like beer, I'm your lady."

Project Runway Season Ten Finale, Part One: Host Hunters!

Heidi Klum, a reality television host and recent divorcee, is looking for a new home. But will her budget match her lofty expectations?

Heidi: "Moving back in with my mom has been really hard. It's time to get a place of my own."

Helping her in her search is real estate mentor Tim Gunn. He knows he has his work cut out for him.

Tim: "So, Heidi, tell me what you're looking for in a home."

Heidi: "Well, I have twelve children, so I'd really like a place that's out in the country so they have plenty of space to run around. But I also need to be right in the middle of the city so that I can walk to shops and restaurants."

Tim: "right."

Heidi: "Also, with sixteen children, I need at least two bathrooms. That's a deal breaker for me."

Tim: "of course."

Heidi: "The kitchen is really important. I never cook but I do occasionally look at it, so it needs to be amazing. And I have twenty three children, so I need a walk-in closet."

Tim: "You have a lot on your wish list. What's your budget?"

Heidi: "Thirty million dollars."

Tim: "Well, I'm going to be blunt: you may need to compromise on either space or location. But I have a few places in mind and I'm confident we can find you something you're going to love."

Heidi: "Great, I'm excited to get started!"

House One:

The first house they visit is in Massapequa, New York. It's a four-bedroom split-level with a one-car garage. It's on the market for $430,000.

Tim: "This one is not in the middle of the city, but it is a little under your thirty million dollar budget, which will leave you enough money to buy a private jet."

Heidi: "Why would you choose to show me this?"

Tim: "I would have loved to have shown you something else, but I ran out of time. Shall we head inside and take a look? You'll notice it has wall to wall floors."

Heidi: "I love that it has windows in the living room! And you can look through them into the yard!"

Tim: "Isn't that nice? Now, if you'll come through here, this room is the kitchen. You can tell because it's the room with the stove and refrigerator in it."

Heidi: "I've never seen so many desserts in all my life!"

Tim: "Yes, the current owners are Italian."

Heidi: "I see."

Tim: "So, what did you think of this first place?"

Heidi: "Well, there were definitely some nice details, but the overall look was really boring and it was pretty skimpy."

House Two:

Working mom Heidi is ready for a change and is looking for a new home. The first house she saw was under budget but the location wasn't ideal and it lacked some of the drama she was craving. So her real estate mentor, Tim, is trying something different with a unique house in New York City:

Joining Heidi on the search today are the members of the Duck Dynasty:

Willie is the CEO and resident prankster

Phil is the patriarch of the family and a living legend in Louisiana

Jase is Willie's brother and his polar opposite

Si is Phil's brother, best friend, and partner in crime

Fabio is still trying to fit in, but he sure loves making handcrafted duck calls

House two is a one-room duck blind that comes in right on budget at thirty million dollars.

Tim: "It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but it's really priced to sell."

Heidi: "It's definitely unique. I haven't seen anything else like it. I just wish it were more luxurious."

Tim: "I think you might have to adjust your expectations."

Heidi: "Well, it's something to think about. I'll keep it on the list."

House Three:

Mentor Tim has shown Heidi two houses so far. House one was under budget but was too far away. House two was right in the city but needed some work. Today Tim is taking Heidi to Jersey City to try to find the best of both worlds.

House three is inspired by organic architecture. It's a bit over budget at one hundred million dollars.

Tim: "I know it's over budget, but that's what you have to spend to live in Jersey City. Besides, it comes with its own shopping mall. And it has those granite countertops you won't shut up about!"

Heidi: "It does tick a lot of boxes. I love the cut-outs and it's obviously very well constructed. I just worry about the styling. Is there maybe too much going on with this design?"

Tim: "Something to think about."

Heidi: "Yep, something to think about."

So, which of these three houses will she choose? Will it be house number one, with ...

Tim: "WAIT! There's one more!"

I'm sorry, that's not possible. There are always three.

Tim: "No, they are all so good we couldn't narrow it down to three. There's a fourth."

Very well, we have a fourth. So, Heidi is a single mom anxious to find a new home for her growing family ...

Tim: "Stop telling us that and just get on with it!"

But I can't introduce the next house without telling you all the ridiculous problems with the previous houses!

Tim: "Well, make it quick."

OK, so house one was under budget, but a microscopic crack on one wall indicated severe structural problems and obviously we were all hoping for a stainless steel refrigerator. House two had a perfect location but the lack of windows and a roof could be an issue. House three had all the space Heidi needs, but it's just plain tacky. For house four Tim is thinking outside the box and taking Heidi to San Francisco to see an under budget charmer that could meet all her needs.

Melissa's sister and dentist

Heidi: "There's no doubt who designed this! I just wish it had a little more impact."

So, will she pick the skimpy bargain, the quirky fixer-upper, the tacky townhouse, or the Gothic charmer?

Heidi: "Ooh, this is going to be such a tough decision!"

Why don't you start by eliminating one?

Heidi: "OK, let's see ... I can't do it! I'll take them all!"

Well, as we know, she's already picked the house and gone through escrow, but whatever. We'll play along.

"What a load of crap"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode 12: Clueless!

The year is 1954 and our last five designers have been invited to a beautiful mansion outside the city:

Hill House, somewhere outside the city

They are met by Tim Gunn, who explains why they are there:

Tim: "You have all been summoned here by a man from L'Oreal. He is the man who has been blackmailing you and I have been given instructions that you must follow. You must create avant-garde looks for L'Oreal's new makeup line based on Hollywood clichés:

Dmitry: "If we refuse, will he reveal our darkest secrets?"

Tim: "No. But he will make sure your hair never looks quite right ever again."

Christofur: "Oh, my god, he's a monster!"

So, it's a two-day challenge, they have $400, Sonjia loses her fabric and then, after dinner, the lights go out and the next thing you know the L'Oreal guy is dead!

Tim: "This is one of the most grisly murders in Project Runway history! OK, designers, time to send your models down to hair and makeup."

Now on to the runway, with guest judge Some Actress With Nothing Interesting To Say:

Dmitry

Dmitry is designing for the Black Widow. He makes her a 1980s power suit. It's nicely tailored but is in no way avant-garde. I feel the look could use some rope. Maybe as a belt?

Christofur

Christofur gets the Sex Kitten. He creates a pastiche of old costumes. It's part Mae West and part Dior's New Look. But not in a good way. I liked the padded hip, and the candlestick accessory is perfect, but he needed to do something to make it modern.

Fabio

Fabio gets the Society Dame. It's a little bit all over the place. But that fox stole is fabulous! And it can be worn upside down! For no reason! It's the closest thing to being avant-garde on the runway this week. The only complaint I have is that the dagger is a little obvious.

What do you think, Heidi?

Heidi: "I hated it ... so ... much ... it ... it ... the ... the flames ... flames on the side of my face ... breathing ... breath ... heaving breath ..."

OK, we get it. You don't like it.

Melissa

Melissa also gets the Sex Kitten, because apparently Hollywood ran out of archetypes and two designers have to do the same one. Don't ask. Anyway, the judges love the dramatic collar, but I thought it was just OK.

Sonjia

Sonjia gets the Dead Singing Telegram Girl. I guess someone had to. It's a disaster.

Time to hear from the judges. This is going to be brutal!

Heidi: "We were very impressed! That was one of the best runways we've ever seen! You all did a great job!"

Really? I'm sorry, but I'm wondering if we saw the same runway.

Heidi: "Oh, I think I know what happened; we shot three alternate endings for this episode. So you probably saw one of the bad ones. Also, you might not know who really won or who was out. Most importantly, you know that shockingly hideous dress I was wearing at the beginning of the episode?"

Yes!

Heidi: "Well, you didn't actually see me wearing that."

Now that you mention it, I do remember not seeing you wearing that dress. How strange.

Ending A:

So, in the first ending, Christofur is the murderer, Fabio is sent home, and Tim reveals that he is an undercover FBI agent.

Ending B:

In the second ending, Fabio is the murderer, Tim is sent home, and Nina Garcia is exposed as a Soviet spy.

Ending C:

In the third ending, we find out that all the designers committed the murder, Tim reveals that he is really Michael Kors in disguise, and the person we thought was Michael Kors admits to being an impostor who has been trying to make granny panties popular.

So, to make a long story short ...

Everyone: "Too late!"

Well, I don't know which version of the show you saw, but the one thing we know for certain is that the L'Oreal guy was murdered with the HP notebook in the Brother sewing room. 

Tim: "The man had to be stopped! He was trying to bring back Lee Press-On Nails, for crying out loud! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to sleep with my wife!"

Leslie Ann Warren is shocked.