Project Runway Vacation!

Apparently there is no new episode of Project Runway tonight. Lifetime is afraid all the gays will be watching women's skating. See you next week!

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Six: National Bring Your Daughters to the Work Room Day!

Heidi: "I brought in eleven of my children to be models in this challenge. I'm pretty sure I have more at home. I had some boys, right?"

Awwww! They're adorable!

Tim: "And they're real girls! With real curves!"

Right. Anyway, last week Anthony won with a dress I didn't love but accept as being very appropriate for the challenge. Anna was eliminated for an outfit that was not as ugly as Janeane's but was so boring it was like being hit in the face by an episode of Grey's Anatomy:

Anna: "I've never made three pieces before."

Are you sure? Because this was the fifth challenge, so it seems like you must have made more than three pieces.

Anna: "No, I mean I had never made three pieces that went together before."

Oh. Well, you still haven't.

In model news, Kasey is out and Alexis could be genuinely crazy. Alexis tells everyone that she had this hilarious dream about Megan getting really fat. Shockingly, Megan is annoyed:

Alexis: "Well, I just looked it up and it turns out that dreaming about someone getting fat means prosperity! Not for Megan, of course. She'll just get fat. But the important thing is I'll be rich!"

We start the episode with Janeane being about as upbeat as possible, for her:

Janeane: "I had an amazing opportunity last week and, of course, I blew it."

That's the spirit, Janeane!

Heidi introduces us to her girls and the designers inform us that children are often smaller than adults and they are really frightening. Also, some of the designers don't have children:

Jonathan: "I had my tubes tied."

In the design room, Mila pretends that she's getting along with the other designers:

Mila: "It's so hilarious that everyone is mocking me for always using color blocking in my designs! Ooh, look at me; I only know how to do one thing! Ha ha! See? I'm totally in on the joke!"

Yeah, that wasn't uncomfortable at all. Good for Mila!

After a day of working on outfits for the little girls, Tim tells the designers they will have one more day to make a corresponding look for their adult models.

So, the designers are working and it's Anthony's turn to annoy everyone with his jabbering:

Anthony: "So my mom was coughing in church and everyone was all 'Who is that coughing in church?' and so my mom was all 'Maybe I should stop coughing in church' and then everyone went home and had lunch."

The other designers surgically remove Anthony's vocal cords.

On the day of the runway, the little girls are running around the work room, making little outfits and styling each other and basically demonstrating more talent and creativity than most of the designers:

Jonathan: "It's like Three Mile Island in here!"

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall theoretically."

On to the runway with guest judge Tory Burch:

Anthony - He made two perfectly nice dresses that were not very interesting and didn't seem to have anything to do with each other.

Amy - Weird. The little girl's outfit was cute but the adult outfit was inexplicable. The adult look was more juvenile than the children's look. Also, the girl was dressed for fall and the adult was dressed for spring.

Ben - He made two looks with his signature cap sleeves. I found both looks boring.

Seth Aaron - Oh, my god. Adorable. If he doesn't win this, I will renounce my U.S. citizenship and move to Canada.

Jesse - Both outfits are beautifully made and look good together. The asymmetry of the little girl's dress seemed completely random and the adult dress looked a bit too sexy for the challenge; but, other than that, I think he did a good job.

Jonathan - He used white ruffles for both dresses. The girl's dress isn't great, but I actually like the adult dress. As with Jesse's looks, I don't know where this mother and daughter would be going. A cocktail party?

Maya - She made two nice outfits with yellow jackets. I just don't like them together. The outfits look too similar and yet the yellows are off so that they clash with each other.

Mila - She made A-line color-blocked tunics that are pretty cute and look good together. The only thing I don't like is the print fabric trim on the little girl's dress.

Emilio - He made a really old-fashioned pink dress that you could buy almost anywhere and was way too young for his client. For his adult model, he made a pretty dress in a clashing shade of pink. I'm not impressed.

Janeane - Not that bad, really. But not good. The adult look isn't very well made and the little girl's dress looks like no effort went into it.

Jay - He made two cute purple and black outfits with ruffles. Very sophisticated. He did a great job.

Jay, Jesse, and Seth Aaron are the top three. Seth Aaron's child model loves the purse:

Nina: "THAT IS SO CUTE I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!"

And Nina's heart grew three sizes that day.

The bottom three are Amy, Janeane, and Jonathan. Michael thinks Jonathan's model, Brandise, looks like she's covered in toilet paper, which she really doesn't. It's actually a cute dress; just not completely appropriate for this challenge.

The judges think Amy's child model looks like she dressed in the dark and her adult model looks like a circus performer. Both are fair complaints. But there is one complaint that I don't get:

Tory Burch: "I don't think orange and blue are complementary."

Well, then you haven't taken a basic color theory class, where you would have learned that orange and blue are practically the definition of complementary colors. Dumb-ass.

Anyway, Jonathan and Amy are safe because they over-designed their garments. Janeane is out because she under-designed her garments. Sorry Janeane! We'll miss that positive attitude:

Janeane: "This won't be the last you'll see of me. I'm sure I'll be doing something in the future. It probably won't be very impressive, but I'll be doing something."

Seth Aaron wins! I guess I don't need to move to Canada. Well, there's always the midterm elections. Anyway, I'm officially throwing my support behind Seth Aaron. He's intelligent and well-spoken:

Tim: "And he smells nice!"

That's right, Tim! I think he's a designer the American people will vote for!

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Five: The Biggest Challenge Ever!

Aaaaaand we're back! After last week's awful episode in which the designers had to make women look like cans of soup, Project Runway is back on track:

Tim: "It's the biggest challenge in the history of the universe!"

Well . . . oh, why argue? It was a good episode.

In model news, Sarah (or Sara, or whatever) is out. And the producers are really pushing Alexis as the psycho bitch from hell:

Alexis: "The reality is, one of the models will be out this week."

How could she say something so terrible and controversial?! We hate her!

Let's wake up the designers! Seth Aaron is unsuccessfully trying to pull off the Logan shirtless look. Anthony is beating the Word of God into Jay. Mila is losing it; for some reason she was expecting a more animated response to the fact that she was in the top three in the last challenge:

Mila: "Where was my fucking ticker-tape parade?"

The designers go to the amazing Hearst Tower! The gorgeous 2006 tower was designed by Norman Foster and incorporates the facade of the original 1928 Hearst building.

Joanna Coles, Editor-In-Chief of Marie Claire magazine explains that the challenge will be to create a look for Heidi to wear on the cover of the April issue of Marie Claire:

The designers completely lose their shit. Oh, calm down. It's not like that's a real magazine.

Tim: "This is the greatest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life! Important designers who have had covers in the past year include Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, and Gucci, just to name all of them!"

Tim gives the designers the Mood affirmation:

Tim: "We are going to have a good shopping experience at Mood. Because we're good enough, we're smart enough, and doggone it, people like us!"

There is tension in the work room. We are informed that it is very quiet. Wow, it really is quiet! Why is it so quiet? Could it be because the producers cut the background music that is usually added during post-production? Yeah, that's it. But, wait ... it turns out that the quiet isn't the problem after all; the problem is that Seth Aaron is actually making too much noise. These people are never satisfied.

Meanwhile, Ben is having a fashion emergency:

Ben: "The magenta is looking fuchsia!"

We've all been there, Ben.

Janeane is having her usual problems related to being Janeane:

Janeane: "Everything I do sucks. It's looking very bridal. Dread is welling up in me. I don't have a point of view. Why do I have to be me?"

Everyone hates Mila:

Emilio: "Mila thinks she's better than everyone else. How dare she! I'm the only one allowed to think that!"

It's the end of the day and Janeane is freaking out:

Janeane: "How did it get so late? What's wrong with me? I can't even keep track of what time it is! I'm just a pathetic mess."

The day of the runway, Emilio says it's going to be a bloodbath on the runway:

Jonathan: "Yeah, it's going to be like Hiroshima."

Hey, it's been several seconds since we've checked in with Janeane. Let's see how she's doing:

Janeane: "Of course my sewing machine is broken. That could only happen because I'm Janeane. I'm never going to finish. Why can't I do anything right?"

Tim: "For the love of god, Janeane, you don't need to convince us you're a terrible designer! Nobody is arguing with you."

Tim gives his final words:

Tim: "This challenge is the biggest thing ever! It's going to cure cancer! Please use the Bluefly wall parsimoniously."

On to the runway:

Amy - She ignored the caution about using a print for a magazine cover. Her dress is OK.

Seth Aaron - He made a shiny grey suit. I think it would look good on a cover.

Jesse - He made a nice little dress. Did he think that was enough?

Anna - She threw together some boring separates from the Juniors department.

Anthony - He made a blue dress with fabric piled up on one side. I don't hate it, but I think it's kind of boring and cheap. I can't imagine it grabbing my attention on a newsstand. The judges think it's the second coming of Christ.

Janeane - What the hell is that?

Mila - She made a little color-blocked dress. It was so close to being really cute but the color was wrong.

Emilio - He made a boring red dress with trim on the boobs.

Jay - Seriously? A long beige dress for Heidi? Did he think it was for the cover of Insomniacs Monthly?

Jonathan - He thinks this garment moves like butter. It certainly looks like it was involved in a butter-related accident.

Maya - She made a little grey dress with a fluffy beige collar. It's OK.

Ben - Love this dress! He pulled all the elements together for this challenge. He created something dramatic and modern, without being weird. The dress would be eye-catching on a magazine cover and look great on Heidi. He should have won this.

Ben, Anthony, and Emilio are the top three. The judges redesign Emilio's dress on the runway:

Michael: "A Project Runway first!"

Anthony wins. I'm sure Heidi will feel very comfortable in his tacky dress. Seriously, I'm very happy for Anthony. I just wish I liked the dress.

Anna, Janeane, and Mila are the bottom three. Michael thinks Mila's looks like a Band-aid and Nina doesn't like arrows pointing to a model's crotch:

Nina: "I think I can find a model's crotch without a map, thank you very much!"

Anna is out. Sorry Anna. I'm sure you'll be missed by the people who noticed you were there.

Mila: "I can't believe nobody congratulated me for not being eliminated!"

Project Runway Season Seven Episode Four: If your heart is open love will always find its way in™!

Jane Seymour: "My grandmother used to tell me that if I became a famous actor, people would buy shitty jewelry based on my scribbles. She was such an inspiration to me."

Last week Ping was out and Mila won in a team challenge that made no sense. In model news, Sophia is out because of allergies. Specifically, the designers were allergic to her toxic personality:

Sophia: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, I am free at last!"

I had always assumed the models were there by choice. But, apparently, they are being held captive and their only hope of freedom is to not be chosen by a designer. Jesse rewarded his model's "loyalty" by picking her again, even though she's awful and annoying. And I had originally found the more experienced models like Brandise and Cerri to be really condescending and bitchy, but it turns out they are actually really good and often make insightful comments:

Cerri: "Everyone is always after me Lucky Charms."

That's what I'm talking about.

This week, the designers have to make red dresses for women with heart conditions to wear to a Fashion Week gala in support of heart health. And the dresses have to look like Campbell's soup cans:

Tim: "What was that noise?"

Oh, that's the sound of Andy Warhol turning over in his grave. He's probably annoyed that you are using soup cans in design without any reference to Pop art's commentary on consumer culture:

Andy Warhol: "No, actually, I could just really go for a nice bowl of soup."

Anyway, the Campbell's connection to heart disease is really appropriate. When I think of heart disease I immediately think of how Americans have spent decades consuming cans of sodium-infused corn syrup marketed as a food product. I'm just a little surprised that Campbell's wants to make that connection.

Tim: "Because heart health is such an important issue and the winning design will actually be worn to a gala event, this will be a one-day challenge. We want to make sure the results are crappy ... because this is so important."

The designers work furiously. Jonathan compares it to Chernobyl:

Jonathan: "Remember how Chernobyl made President Reagan knock down the Berlin Wall and then the whole Vanilla Ice thing happened? It's just like that. But louder."

Janeane accidentally dips her dress in a bucket of her own tears:

Janeane: "So typical. I'm such a loser."

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Who cares what your client wants? Fashion is all about pleasing the judges! Please borrow from the Bluefly wall capriciously. OK, get out of here! Everyone out of the design room! Ping? Where's Ping?"

On to the runway. Georgina Chapman of Marchesa is the guest judge. If anyone cares.

Jonathan - He made kind of an awful tiered gown. I think the red satin is too dark. It has a very unflattering fit at the bust. For the Campbell's logo, he just included an uninspiring tie at the waist. He's safe.

Emelio - He made a very boring short empire-waist dress. He's safe.

Maya - She made a dress based on the Open Hearts necklace from Kay Jewelers. The judges don't want to like this dress but they like it anyway. I guess I have more willpower than the judges because I managed to not like it.

Anthony - I don't love the vest but the overall look is fine. He's safe.

Amy - She made kind of a boring long chiffon gown. I didn't like the ruffly neckline or the shapelessness of this dress but the judges think it's the bees knees.

Jesus - He made a short, tight, blingy dress. It's another boring silhouette from him. The judges hate it. He's in the bottom two.

Anna - Oof. This dress was not very flattering on her client. The proportions are bad and it looks like a strapless dress has just been tacked onto an almost flesh-colored tank top. The judges think it makes her client's shoulders look even broader. She's in the bottom two.

Jay - He made a very formal strapless gown. It looks fine but it's very generic. I'm sure he could have found something that suited his client a little better. He's safe.

Jesse - He made a cute little outfit with an off-white jacket over a pretty red dress. It would be a nice outfit to wear to church. Not really appropriate for this challenge. The judges don't love it and he's in the bottom three.

Ben - He made a decent long gown slit up to here. The skirt is faced with the Campbell's logo fabric so it shows when she walks. He's safe.

Mila - She made a red dress with giant white stars. It looks like she's advertising Macy's instead of Campbell's. She's in the top three.

Janeane - It's difficult to describe this awful dress. She's safe.

Seth Aaron - He scrapped his Grecian design and went with a dress with a red wrap top and full black skirt. it looked good. He's safe.

Amy wins. Congratulations. Out of all the dresses this week, hers was definitely one of them.

Jesus is out. The judges think his construction skills are good but that you just can't learn to have good taste. I disagree with them on that point. I think you can gain good taste with education and experience. I had horrible taste when I was his age. And now my flawless taste is the envy of all the world!

Mila and Maya introduce us to this week's Lifetime movie. They have so much in common: they both miss their collective dog, they both wear a lot of the same color (black), and they both have bangs:

Tune in to the new Lifetime movie based on the amazing true story of two designers who worked together on a show and discovered that they are actually a mother and the daughter she gave up for adoption years ago!

Oh, my god! I'm crying already!