Project Runway Season Seven, Finale, Part Two: and the winner is . . .

It was a tough competition, but we finally have a winner. And the title of biggest A-hole in the history of Project Runway goes to . . . (drum roll) . . . Jay Nicolas Sario! Congratulations, Jay! You're a bigger jerk than Jeffrey Sebelia!

Jay: "Yeah, well, at least I'm not ugly, like you."

Touche!

OK, so the season is over but we have one more recap to get through. We start this final episode with the designers critiquing each other:

Mila: "Seth Aaron should design for Hot Topic and Emilio should design for a boutique in Harlem . . . in 1994."

Oh, snap!

Tim makes his rounds. Seth Aaron is just showing off at this point:

Seth Aaron: "I have 24 looks."

Tim: "Why would you have 24 looks? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Obviously, Tim, fashion is all about quantity, not quality.

Tim critiques Emilio's collection:

Tim: "Blech."

Then Tim announces the huge surprise twist:

Tim: "Use the Bluefly wall thoughtfully."

Ooh, do they have to create one more look using only materials from the Bluefly wall?

Tim: "No, they don't have to make another look."

So what's the twist?

Tim: "There's no twist. That's the twist."

Oh, you're good. I did not see that coming. That's the biggest twist in Project Runway history!

On to model selection, where Emilio basically says he's casting a Benetton commercial. Next, it's time to sell makeup and hair products. Then it's time to freak out that some of the models are missing. And finally, the show starts:

Heidi: "This was a season of Project Runway. And that's because we had designers on it. Say hello to fashion icon Faith Hill."

First up is Willy Wonka:

Willy Wonka: "Thank you. My collection was inspired by the military and my new invention of weaponized chocolate. And, of course, Hot Topic."

1) not really 2) no 3) yes 4) LOVE IT 5) no 6) oh, yes, give it to me 7) yes 8) no 9) yes 10) OH, MY GOD, NO!

Well, other than that last monstrosity, it was a pretty decent collection. There were some really cute pieces.

Mila: "My collection is black and white. Living in perfect harmony. Side by side on the piano keyboard. Oh, just deal with it."

1) fine 2) yeah, ok 3) YES 4) no 5) no 6) no 7) yes 8) no 9) yes 10) yes

I liked most of that collection, but it wasn't very exciting.

Emilio: "Color me bad. Because I'm bad, I'm bad, really, really bad. You know it. And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again who's bad."

1) yes 2) no 3) no 4) no 5) NO 6) no 7) no 8) no 9) no 10) NO

In case it wasn't clear, my overall opinion of that collection would be "no."

But nobody cares what I think. the real question is, what does Raven think?

Raven: "Emilio's collection reminded me of the 90s. God, I miss the 90s. Those were good times."

The judges compete to see who can make the most boring comments. And the winner is . . . (drum roll) . . . Faith Hill! Congratulations, Faith!

Heidi announces the season seven winner:

Heidi: "You made our job today really tough. All three of you made crap collections. But I suppose someone has to win. So it's you, Seth Aaron."

That's not really what she said. Obviously, the judges pretended like they loved all three terrible collections. I'm just kidding. I'm sure the judges genuinely liked those terrible collections. OK, fine, the collections weren't that bad. Anyway, congratulations to Seth Aaron! He deserves it!

Now on to the half hour reunion show with the designers and the models. Twice as many people and half the time. Better than nothing.

Anyway, let's get on with NinaChat, the show where Nina Garcia calls you a big baby:

Emilio: "You said nice things about my collection so I don't understand why didn't I win?"

Nina: "Did you not hear us say nice things about all the collections? Get over it, you big baby!"

Maya: "I left the show because I just didn't think I was ready."

Nina: "What a load of horse shit. Don't be such a baby."

Ping: "It was so hard for me because nobody ever questioned my judgement before."

Nina: "STOP BEING A BIG BABY!"

Well, I could watch this for hours! Unfortunately, that's all there is. The season is over. I want to thank all of you for reading my posts and leaving comments these past few months. It's meant so much to me. Oh, no, look what you made me do. You've gone and made me cry.

Nina: "Oh, stop it, you big baby!"

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Thirty-Six, The Finale, Part One: I think I need to reconceptualize this entire title!

Last time, Anthony used his viscera all wrong and Emilio thought he won another challenge, although there was no official winner. Mila and Jay are forced to get married and seek couples counseling.

This week, Heidi tells the designers they will have $9,000 and four months to make a ten-piece collection:

Heidi: "Now I'd like to introduce someone to whom all of you except Emilio have become very close."

Tim: "Hello, my dear friends. And Emilio. I'm going to be visiting you in about two months to tell you you're doing everything wrong."

First, Tim visits Seth Aaron in Vancouver:

Tim: "Ah, it's so nice to be in Canada! Wow, Vancouver is so much smaller than I imagined."

Seth Aaron: "This isn't Canada. This is the state of Washington."

Tim: "Well, let me tell you about the terrible state Washington is in. Republicans and Democrats are practically deadlocked. It's a mess. You're lucky to be here in Canada."

Seth Aaron: "This is Vancouver, Washington."

Tim: "What are you talking aboot? Don't be a hoser, eh? Let's go get some donuts at Tim Hortons."

Seth Aaron: "Stop that! This isn't Canada!"

Tim finally gets a look at the clothes:

Seth Aaron: "I've made fifty versions of the exact same outfit."

Tim: "Amazing! I've never seen anything like it. Now throw all of it out."

Tim is forced to endure a game of Pictionary, which apparently they still play in Canada:

Seth Aaron: "For the last time, this is not Canada!"

OK! Geez, Canadians can be so touchy! Anyway, they play Pictionary and, fortunately, nobody has to draw a windmill ("Community" joke). However, Seth Aaron's daughter tries to draw a stethoscope and Tim guesses:

Tim: "Fallopian tubes?"

Oh, Tim. Kids today don't need to worry their pretty little heads about things like fallopian tubes. All they need to know is to wear their promise rings until they get married to someone of the opposite sex and then they can go pick up their babies at the hospital. Just like it says in the Bible.

Next, Tim visits Emilio (Kaiser) Sosa in the Bronx. His collection is looking awful, to be perfectly frank. He designed another print with his name on it, which is actually really pretty, but seriously, who the hell would want to wear that?

Tim: "I just have one suggestion. Start over."

Then Tim goes to the dreaded Los Angeles to visit Mila in a lovely little Ikea showroom. Obviously, she is doing an all black and white collection. The only bits of color are in an aubergine fabric that is so dark and grey it's barely a color, and her cute Dalmatian, which is bright pink with orange spots.

Tim: "I love it! Change everything!"

Finally, Tim goes to San Francisco to visit Jay, who has decided that he has already beat Mila and is only competing against Seth Aaron and Emilio:

Tim: "Q'est que what?"

Jay makes a ball comment that I couldn't quite make out. He either said that he has bigger balls than Mila, which seems unlikely, or that the ball is in his court, which doesn't make sense, either, since he's just said he isn't even bothering to play ball with her. His collection gives new meaning to the term "overworked."

Tim: "Terrific! Now, just reconceptualize the entire collection."

Tim has dinner with Jay's family and he is served a special treat: Rice-a-Roni. Ooh, I love Rice-a-Roni!

Finally, it's fashion week and it's time for the big showdown between Mila and Jay:

Jay: "Hi."

Mila: "Hi."

Jay: "This is weird."

Mila: "It's nice."

Jay: "Yeah. I like it when you aren't a total bitch."

Mila: "Thank you, Jay. That means a lot to me."

Jay: "I'm just going to rise above all the unnecessary drama I created in my head."

Good idea. They are joined by Seth Aaron and Emilio. Then Tim drops by for a visit:

Tim: "Jay, Mila, and Seth Aaron, it is so good to see you. Hi Emilio."

Tim gives his final words of advice before the designers go to sleep:

Tim: "Please use the Westin Heavenly Beds thoughtfully."

The next day, Jay and Mila find out they only have three hours to dress and style three models, two of whom may not fit any of their clothes. Oh, and one of the randomly assigned models is Holly Kiser, the winner of the first season of Make Me a Supermodel. I'm starting to suspect they didn't actually make her a supermodel.

On to the runway. Heidi looks really strange. What's different about her?

Heidi: "I'm not pregnant. Oops. Spoke too soon."

The runway show was not very exciting. I can't believe those were their three best pieces. Maybe they just chose whatever fit the models. Anyway, Mila's looks were cute. Her cocktail dress was pretty, although Holly looked like she was choking to death. Jay, as usual, showed some nice pants. His looks were definitely not retro. They were also not nearly as original and innovative as he seemed to think they were.

The judges have a tough decision to make:

Michael: "I'm on Team Jay!"

Heidi: "I'm on Team Mila!"

Nina: "I'm going to let you two fight it out and then agree with the winner. That way it looks like I'm always right."

Mila wins the third spot in the final.

Nina: "I told you so."

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode 12: Eviscerated!

Last week a ton of crap happened: Maya quit, Anthony came back, Valeria quit, Cerri came back, Emelio and Anthony won the challenge, Jonathan was sent home, and then Cerri was out again.

This week the designers are somehow transported back to the 1980s, when dressing like a circus freak was cool:

Tim Gunn: "What is this? Some kind of hot tub time machine?"

Yes. That's exactly what this is. And my viscera is just not feeling inspired by this episode at all:

Anthony: "Sing it, sister."

So the designers get a private performance from Cirque du So Lame, otherwise known as "the smallest show on earth," and then they go make clown clothes.

Back in the design room, Emilio is quickly losing his mind:

Emilio: "All hail Emilio, king of the designers!"

Tim: "Excuse me, your highness, but your dress needs more color."

Emilio: "Uh, did you not get the memo about worshiping me?"

So, Tim and Emilio get into this huge fight, with Emilio scratching at Tim with his fingernails and Tim swinging a broken beer bottle around. Finally, the other designers break up the fight and Emilio apologizes for being a jackass and Tim promises to stop coming in to work drunk and then he continues on his rounds of the design room:

Seth Aaron announces that he is making a top hat and the response is the sound of crickets.

Anthony is letting his viscera take over:

Anthony: "I have my good viscera on one shoulder and my bad viscera on the other shoulder and they keep telling me different things."

Jay tells us that a lot of people believe in him, even though he is obviously imaginary.

Mila is just quietly doing her work:

Jay: "God, I'm so sick of that evil bitch."

Yes, but what do you think of her designs?

Jay: "I hate her designs. And that's my completely objective, unbiased opinion based purely on the fact that I hate her as a person."

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "This is a big day for all of us. Especially for all of you. Actually, it isn't a big day for me at all. Forget I said anything. Oh, but please remember to use the Bluefly wall thoughtfully. Just this once."

Heidi introduces the judges:

Michael Kors:

Michael: "Hi, guys."

Nina Garcia:

Michael: "Release the Cracken!"

Nina: "Will you please stop saying that every time Heidi introduces me?! It's not funny anymore! I swear to god, I'd punch you in the balls if you had any!"

Jay - He made a really great pant and a top inspired by a band jacket. It was probably the most wearable outfit on the runway but the circus inspiration was clearly there

Mila - She made a big black and white jacket with a ridiculous collar and pink and yellow accents

Anthony - blech. This awful dress looks like it's made out of viscera

Emilio - He made a beautiful gown. The judges love it.

Seth Aaron - He made almost the same outfit Mila made, but his is even more ridiculous. It's straight out of Dr. Seuss. Having said that, I have to agree with the judges: for some reason, I like it more than Mila's

Anthony is booted without a second thought for his terrible blue condom of a dress:

Heidi: "$300 worth of viscera? Are you kidding me?"

Mila and Jay will be making collections but will have to fight to the death next week to see who will present at Bryant Park alongside Emilio and Seth Aaron.

Emilio has the favorite look and will have immunity in the final episode:

Emilio: "All hail Emilio!"

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Eleven: Rock out with your Glock out!

Lifetime: "Stay tuned for the most shocking event in Project Runway history! Isn’t the suspense killing you? Everyone already knows Maya will be leaving the show. But why? Why does she leave? You’ll just have to watch the episode and find out! No, stop begging me to tell you what happens. I know you’re dying to find out but I’m not telling you. Watch the episode. So exciting! . . . Oh, alright, I’ll tell you. She just quits."

Oh, my god! Why would Lifetime do that? I spent all week trying NOT to find out why Maya left. Why give that away before the episode even starts?

Anyway, last week Emelio won and Anthony was sent home. Jonathan pulled an Emilio and blamed his near loss on his model, causing Cerri to be sent home.

Heidi introduces this week’s challenge:

Heidi: “This week you will be designing for a celebrity. I can’t tell you who it is but I can say that this celebrity has a reputation for speaking in a German accent and being constantly pregnant. Also, this celebrity is a total bitch! Ha ha ha! See, I can say that because I’m talking about myself. Oops.”

So, yeah, the secret celebrity is Heidi and the designers will be making her a red carpet look.

Heidi: “And I’ll be modeling all the looks but I’m giving birth in the morning so I won’t have this baby bump by tomorrow afternoon. Keep that in mind.”

Now, a “red carpet look” can mean almost anything, depending of the event, but the pictures we are shown from Heidi’s dossier indicate that the designers should probably be creating very glamorous gowns.

The designers start working and Maya, in her very calm and quiet way, completely freaks out. She tells Tim that she just isn’t ready to make a collection. She is worried that a bad collection will hurt her, so she’d rather not take that risk. We are shown a clip from several weeks ago, in which Nina tells her that her work is referential and the guest judge tells her that if her collection isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread, her career will instantly be over. Obviously, that clip has been running on a loop inside her head. Oh, please.

Emilio: “That is such a Cop Out, which, by the way, is the best buddy movie since Turner and Hooch. I highly recommend it.”

I completely agree with Emilio. Well, I haven’t actually seen Cop Out, but I agree with him about Maya. Throwing away such an amazing opportunity is really pathetic.

Seth Aaron: “You have no idea what it’s like! You have no right to sit at home and judge Maya for leaving! F@#k off!”

Oh, my god, it's like Seth Aaron is speaking directly to me from the television! And he's right. I’m not there so I don’t know what it’s like. I have no right to judge. And yet, I totally will. Deal with it.

The designers go to Mood and then start working.

Jonathan decides that since the judges disliked his work in the last challenge, he will just ignore the fact that the judges have sometimes liked his work. Obviously, he needs to create something really, really crappy because that is what the judges want. What a Cop Out.

Emilio: “Go see that film!”

Anthony returns!

Seth Aaron: “Don’t sit at home and judge! They had to bring someone back! It’s just like a football game!”

A really really gay football game.

Seth Aaron’s model, Valeria, decides at the last minute to take the Donna Karen job she had been offered. After making a huge scene at the last model selection by announcing her dedication to Seth Aaron and saying she turned down the job, she has now changed her mind, leaving him in the lurch after he already started making a gown to her measurements.

Heidi makes her rounds in the design room. She shows Jay what breasts look like. Who knew? She gives Jonathan some bad advice:

Jonathan: "Heidi told me to make this really twisty, drapey dress, which will be completely impossible to do. So I'm going to do that and then blame her for the terrible results."

That's a total Cop Out (in theaters now). His client gave him her opinion but it's up to him as the designer to translate it into something that will work. And, while I think his first dress would have been better than his final look, I can understand why Heidi wasn't loving it. I'm a fan of his cut-work but it really wasn't working on that upholstery fabric he was using.

Anthony makes a dedication:

Anthony: "I'd like to thank Jesus for making Maya freak out and leave."

Tim gives his regularly scheduled plug:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall sporadically."

The guest judge this week is Jessica Alba, who is appearing in the new film Cop Out. What? She's not in it? Are you sure? Have you actually seen it? I didn't think so.

Another disappointing runway. Three perfectly fine and thoroughly boring red carpet gowns and three really weird cocktail dresses that don't fit the challenge at all.

Jay - Jay likes big butts and he cannot lie. Those other judges can deny.

Mila - She misunderstood the challenge and made a dress for the Real Housewives of Project Runway.

Seth Aaron - This was not a very interesting gown, but, for some reason, I thought it looked really good. However, it was completely wrong for Heidi.

Jonathan - What a mess.

Emilio - A perfectly executed, completely uninteresting gown.

Anthony - The judges are all over the place on this one. While Heidi loves it, Jessica thinks it's beautiful. Michael thinks it's great, but Nina says it's stunning. There seems to be no consensus.

The designers leave so the judges can discuss. Nina explains that Jonathan's dress is like a vampire: it won't photograph or show up in a mirror. Heidi explains why Anthony is there:

Heidi: "Anthony was let go. Due to the recession, we had to cut back on the designers last week. But Maya decided the pressure of the show was too much for her and left."

Jessica: "Competing on this show is hard, but it's nothing compared to the real world."

OK, first of all, Jessica Alba doesn't know what it's like to compete on this show. Secondly, Jessica Alba does not live in the real world. Having said that, I completely agree with her:

Seth Aaron: "Well, both you and Jessica Alba can f@#k off!"

Heidi announces the results:

Heidi: "We don't have a winner for this challenge."

As it should be. The looks are all completely inappropriate or boring.

Heidi: "We have two winners!"

Son of a bitch.

Emilio and Anthony both win. Congratulations. They were both pretty dresses.

Jonathan is out. He blames his loss on the fact that the other designers had much more time to complete their looks than he did. What a Cop Out. Not as big a Cop Out as quitting, though. Or naming two winners for no reason. That was a total Cop Out.

Seth Aaron: "F@#k off! You have no right to judge the judges!"

This Eric3000 post was brought to you by Cop Out (rated R for excessive terribleness), starring Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, and possibly Jessica Alba. "Two thumbs up," raves Kevin Smith.