Project Runway Recap, Season Two, Episode 4: Brevity is the Essence of Lingerie!

The boys at Project Rungay are blogging earlier seasons of Project Runway on DVD. It's like Christmas all year long! Anyway, here's my recap:

We begin with Santino telling us how he is responsible for Nick's win in the Barbie challenge:

Santino: "Nick's design was not better than mine. But if it had been better than mine it would be because I helped him."

Nick: "Whatever, Miss Thing. You just told me I needed to glue more crap on it and I ignored you."

Diana tells us her favorite part of doing the show:

Diana: "I enjoy getting the challenges. It's super exciting. I also like hearing that my design was good enough to stay. The rest sucks."

Heidi tell us the challenge involves something she knows a lot about:

Getting knocked up by Seal?

Heidi: "No, it involves lingerie."

Getting knocked up by Seal doesn't involve lingerie?

Heidi: "Well, yes, I guess there is a connection."

First Nick has to state the obvious and say he's staying with his muse, Tara.

Nick: "Tara, you are like my Kira, Olivia Newton-John's character from Xanadu. I need you for inspiration."

Zulema: "Note to self ..."

Heidi explains the challenge:

Heidi: "You will have 30 minutes to draw, then you will pitch your ideas to me for a collection of three lingerie looks. I will pick four of you to be team leaders. The four team leaders will pick two other designers to form teams of three. Then you will have 30 minutes to buy fabric. So, with 12 designers divided by four teams multiplied by 30 minutes at Mood, if you are walking through the garment district at 2.4 miles per hour and assuming that X equals $200, how long will it take before someone hits Daniel Franco in the nuts?"

Diana: "Yay! A math challenge!"

The designers pitch their ideas to Heidi:

Daniel V.: "It's all about girls trashing their boyfriend's stuff."

Heidi: "I like that!"

Lupe: "Superheroes! It will say 'Blammo' over the butt and 'Bang' over the vagina!"

Heidi: "I don't think so."

Andrae: "It's tie me up, tie me ..."

Heidi: "Down?"

Andrae: "Oh, my god! We're finishing each other's ..."

Heidi: "... what?"

Andrae: "You're supposed to say 'sentences'. Daniel V. knows how to do it."

Chloe: "This is lingerie that you can also wear as clothing. Oh, never mind; I forgot you already do that. Oh, by the way, I'm trying to not get picked because I don't want to be a team leader."

Santino: "This is what I think it would look like if the cast of The Sound of Music got in a horrible head-on collision with a herd of elk."

Heidi: "Oh, that's happened before on the autobahn. Yeah, it was pretty cool."

Zulema: "This is my collection of floor-length lingerie."

Heidi: "Next!"

Kara: "Boudoire babes."

Heidi: "Next!"

Nick: "Asiana nights."

Heidi: "Next!"

Marla: "Cutie ..."

Heidi: "Next!"

Marla: "Well, that was just rude."

Emmett: "Heidi's Hollywood Honeymoon."

Heidi: "... um ..."

Diana: "Goddess. The fabric will flow behind her."

Heidi: "So it's lingerie that needs its own wind machine?"

Diana: "Oh, ha ha. No, obviously, the lingerie has built in fans that go on when your heart rate is elevated."

Heidi: "Wow, I thought only the North Koreans had that kind of technology."

Daniel F.: "I love you, Heidi."

Heidi: "If I pick you will you stop staring at me like that?"

Daniel F.: "I cannot promise you anything."

OK, team challenge. Our favorite! Not. Let's look at the teams:

Daniel V. picks Andrae and Zulema.
Daniel F. picks Chloe and Kara.
Santino picks Nick and Emmett.
Diana picks Lupe and pretends to pick Marla, though she has no choice.

Out of 12 designers, Zulema is the third to the last picked. Somehow she brags about this because she was picked before Emmett and Marla.

Zulema: "I'm not surprised Emmett and Marla were last."

Emmett and Marla: "We didn't see anyone too excited about picking you, either, bitch."

Daniel Franco explains lingerie to us:

Daniel F.: "Lingerie should be beautiful and sexy and about making love. It should be about getting some action ... or something. At least I hope people are getting some action. Because I'm sure not getting any. I spend a lot of time thinking about Heidi getting some action, though."

Heidi: "Daniel, don't make me come over there and hit you in the nuts."

Daniel F.: "Sorry."

Meanwhile the only all-girl team, Diana, Lupe, and Marla are giggling and talking about boys.

Santino: "They are so lame. They seriously need to get laid."

Daniel F.: "That's what I'm saying. That's what lingerie is all about."

Santino: "Daniel, don't make come over there and hit you in the nuts."

Emmett is having a little trouble:

Emmett: "I'm a menswear designer so I don't know how to make these designs. I'm really trying to fulfill Santino's horrible vision."

Santino: "Emmett is like a sack of potatoes. What is so difficult about making hideous clothing? I do it every day!"

Daniel Franco is driving Chloe and Kara insane:

Chloe: "Daniel, what are you doing? Why haven't you even started that?"

Daniel F.: "I just have to count every thread in this piece of fabric to make sure it matches this other piece. Stop worrying. I'm not doing this to piss you off. I'm doing it because I'm clinically insane."

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Daniel, this collection is a little Joan Collins."

Daniel F.: "Wow, thanks, Tim!"

Tim: "Diana, I'm not getting this."

Diana: "Well, you know ... um ... yeah, you know ... like, yeah."

Tim: "Well, I think you've summed it up perfectly."

Santino is crying:

Santino: "Oh, my god! The garment Emmett made looks like an insane Christmas elf outfit! It's perfect! I didn't think he could do it but he really pulled it off!"

The next day Team Santino is still pasting crap on to the outfits:

Nick: "There is a point when it's just too much. I'll let you know when we're getting close."

Kara wants to snip Daniel Franco's peepee off:

Zulema: "Girl, you haven't done that yet? Get out of the way. I'll show you how it's done."

Diana's model is being a pain in the ass:

Model: "Do you mind if I wear a burkha over this?"

The runway is pretty much a train wreck. Daniel V.'s team wins. their collection wasn't very interesting but it was the most flattering. Diana's team is safe. Their collection was kind of cool but did not make the model's butts look very nice.

Santino and Nina scream at each other for 45 minutes until they finally accept the inevitable and rush into each other's arms to make sweet, passionate love.

Judges: "Daniel, why do your clothes look like they were designed for the elderly?"

Daniel F.: "Oh, that's because I was really thinking about honeymoons."

Judges: "You are so weird. Chloe and Kara, what did you think of Daniel's leadership?"

Chloe and Kara: "Oh, we were so ready to hit him in the nuts!"

Judges: "Yeah, we can understand that."

Daniel: "Ladies, I may be leaving but I'm making love to all of you with my eyes."

Nina: "Yuck."

Daniel Franco leaves with his dignity and peepee intact.

Chloe: "Daniel, you are such a good person. And that's really important because you are such a terrible designer."

The best part is that now I can start referring to Daniel V. simply as "Daniel."

Legal Disclaimer: Eric Three Thousand does not endorse violence toward either Daniel Franco or his nuts. Please treat them with the respect they deserve.