Project Runway Season Four, Episode 5: Have you called Jenny yet?

This is Project Runway, let's go, hell, yes, I'm the best, you're either in or you're out, I'm in, they're out, I wouldn't be caught dead in his clothes, fashion is my life, who will be the next big fashion designer? that's me, bottom line, I'm the best, I will own the runway, for these fifteen designers this will be the opportunity of a lifetime!

Or, in other words, everyone can suck it.

Christian: "I thought I was going to die"

You keep saying that but you never do.

So, Chris is gone . . . or is he? Ooh, how ominous!

Jack thinks he has a pimple:

Tempest Bledsoe: "Oh, one time I had this pimple on my forehead and I was so embarrassed I didn't want to go to school but my sister Denise showed me this great trick of wearing a cool scarf around your head! I totally rocked the 80s in that look!"

Yeah, you did! Unfortunately that's not going to work in this situation. Jack's upper lip is really swolen from some infection. I noticed last week that his face was looking really freaky but I couldn't tell what the problem was. Well, now it's gotten worse and he may have to do something about it. He starts the challenge but then he has to leave:

Tim: "Designers, I have an announcement. It has been brought to my attention that Jack had all the pages of a pattern book tattooed on his body. This is clearly against the rules so we had to ask him to leave."

Jack: "No, I'm leaving to get medical attention."

Tim: "Oh, that's right. I've just been watching a lot of 'Prison Break' lately and I got confused."

So, what's the challenge? Heidi walks out onto the runway to tell us:

Heidi: "Hello. OK, enough small talk. Here are your models."

Kirstie Alley: "I've lost 700 pounds! Have you called Jenny yet?"

Heidi: "Will someone please get that attention whore off my runway?"

The real models for this challenge walk out onto the runway:

Sweet P: "I can't tell whether they are fairy princesses or transvestites."

Well, there's an idea for your next movie, Disney: transvestite princesses! Something the whole family will enjoy!

OK, we know they can't be fairy princesses because those are just pretend. So obviously the models must be transvestites. And boy, do these transvestites need a makeover. Apparently they have all just lost a lot of weight:

Kirstie Alley: "Jenny made it so easy! I even got to eat chocolate cake!"

Heidi: "Get out of here!"

Sorry; back to the transvestites: I don't care what they are wearing; someone needs to get them to the L'Oreal hair and makeup room STAT! Seriously; it's an emergency!

Oh, alright; we'll talk about the clothes first. You would think from what they are wearing that being overweight means you have to wear really ugly clothes from the 1980s. Look, I've been to Lane Bryant and there are some nice clothes for big girls. There was no excuse for what they considered their favorite outfits.

The challenge is to take these fat clothes and use the material to make something more appropriate for this century and their new sizes.

One of the models is wearing her wedding dress:

Kevin: "Everyone was thinking, 'who is going to get the wedding dress?' Everyone wanted it!"

Steven: "Please God, let me get the wedding dress! America, start praying for me now!"

Steven gets the wedding dress.

Steven: "Jealous much?"

Sweet P is picked last again. That really is starting to get freaky. Fortunately, it didn't make a difference in this challenge since the models were randomly assigned anyway.

The designers get to work in the design room. There's a message from Chris. The note basically tells the other designers that they can suck it. Just kidding.

Tim tells the designers that they need to make something suitable for the everyday life of a transvestite. You know, something they could wear to a Mardi Gras celebration.

Victorya: "These are not like our regular transvestites. These are just normal, average transvestites and it's a whole different set of rules."

Transvestites: "What a bitch."

Steven had a big challenge to transform a white beaded wedding dress into something wearable. But he also had the biggest opportunity to wow the judges. He really could have gotten away with murder in this challenge. almost anything he could have done would have been impressive.

Except for what he ends up doing. He completely blows it. He decides he can't use the dress because the fabric was cheap-ass shit:

Steven: "It was polyester satin with acetate lace. It was so horrible I couldn't bear to touch it. I was afraid I would get a rash."

Model: "Hey, that's my wedding dress you're talking about!"

Seriously, he's totally insulting this woman's wedding dress. That's so rude. Yes, it was a really tacky dress but you don't need to actually say it. Oops.

So he goes to Mood and buys some even worse cheap-ass shitty fabric ... in black! WTF?

Jillian also decides she can't use her original garment and just buys some similar red fabric to use. Why? I don't get it. It was a fun challenge; I don't understand why these two decided not to do it.

So, back in the design room Ricky is wearing some heels and his model's jeans as Capri pants and his belly is hanging out:

Steven: "Dear lord, help me now."

Yeah, I think we could all use some help recovering from that image. Geez, that was not pretty.

Tim comes in to make an announcement. Chris is back as one of the un-aufed, cursed to wander the halls of Parsons for all eternity, sucking design inspiration from the living. This pitiful creature will be forced to keep making outfits until Nina and Michael stab him in the heart with a sharp insult and Heidi finally puts his soul to rest permanently.

This really is a Project Runway first! And Heidi doesn't even make a grand announcement about it. Sure, Angela and Vincent came back for one challenge but they could only stay if they won the challenge and everyone knew that was never going to happen so it wasn't the same as really bringing them back. But Chris gets to come back and make another "just barely not the worst so he can stay" outfit and he's through to the next challenge!

Tim and Heidi: "We brought back Chris to keep the competition at a high level."

No, you brought him back so we would be left with the right number of contestants."

Tim and Heidi: "Whatever."

So Chris takes over Jack's model:

Chris: "Oh, I am so good at making costumes for transvestites! I am going to rock this challenge!"

OK, unfortunately, Chris is a little tired and didn't understand that I was just joking about the transvestites.

Tim tells Chris he can stay up all night since he got a late start. But he warns him about making decisions in the middle of the night:

Tim: "I've made some really bad decisions at 3:00 in the morning."

Designers: "Ooh, we want names!"

Tim: "Oh, you guys are terrible!"

Time for the Saturn commercial:

Chloe: "Whenever I'm in Los Angeles, which is never, I like to drive my Saturn to Echo Park."

Chloe lays in the grass and closes her eyes for a moment. When she opens her eyes her purse is gone, she's covered in graffiti, and she's surrounded by used syringes.

Chloe: "It's so inspiring!"

The models are being sent to hair and makeup. Thank God.

On to the runway! The guest judge is some guy from the GAP, for no particular reason.

For the most part the women look great! The designers did a really good job!

Jillian made a boring red dress that had almost nothing to do with the original garment except for the color. The dress isn't the worst but I think it's kind of ugly and it doesn't seem to fit well. For some reason the judges think it is beautiful. She's in the top three. I don't get it.

Jillian: "I transformed this woman! Her life will never be the same! I have the power of God!"

Sweet P made a cute halter dress out of a hideous olive-green sack. She's safe.

Ricky made a nice top and jeans out of a really ugly top and jeans. Did he change the color of the top? He's safe.

Ricky: "Oh, my God. The woman told me I was great and she hopes I'm successful. I've never been so moved in my entire life. Can I have a Kleenex?"

Chris made a cute top (although I'm not sure it looked that much different from the original top) and a skirt that had a little too much going on. The red trim sent it over the top:

Michael: "It's a little Shirley Maclaine as a transvestite hooker with a heart of gold."

Chris: "I can't tell if that's a compliment."

Christian made a really fierce outfit! That's right: fierce! It fit perfectly, it looked interesting, and you could tell his client loved it. Christian wins immunity in the next challenge. Congratulations, Christian!

Christian: "Yay! I've finally sold out and made something commercial! The next thing you know my clothes will be on sale at Target!"

Victorya made a decent cocktail dress out of a horrible green velvet sack. She's safe.

Elisa made kind of a weird artsy fartsy outfit. It wasn't bad but I can't really see that woman wearing it. It might look OK on a gallery director:

Michael: "My clients are gallery directors and they would never wear that."

Santino: "Yeah, but your clients are old and boring."

Michael: "I should have Nina slap you in the face for that comment."

Elisa: "I made a day trousseau and now my model really has an increased sexuality. With so many men in this room she should really be careful!"

I think she'll be alright. OK, so using the term "trousseau" completely inappropriately and talking about that woman's sexuality was a little weird but it's hardly up to Elisa's high standards of weirdness:

Elisa: "Sorry; I used up all my 'A' material."

It's very disappointing.

Kevin created a really cute yellow top out of an inexcusable yellow blazer. Black and yellow is a horrible combination - it makes you look like a bee - but Kevin made it work. He was a contender for the win:

Michael: "Just be careful with leggings. They can turn on you. I had a friend who was killed by a pair of leggings."

Rami made a cute top and a nice skirt from a pair of pants. It fit really well. He's safe.

Steve created one of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen. It was a shapeless black sack with white trim. It looked much worse than any of the original ugly outfits. It was really inexplicable:

Michael: "I'm speechless."

Nina: "We should be so lucky."

The judges decide it looks like a French maid at a funeral . . . in the rain . . . after being hit with an ugly stick. No transvestite would ever be caught dead wearing this.

There was no choice; Steven is out.

Next week Tim takes the designers to a destination! Ooh, I love destinations!