Top Chef: Chicago, Finale, Part One: What Happens in Puerto Rico!

This is the story about how Andrew and Lisa accidentally get married because they are really drunk and then they win the lottery so they can't get divorced so judge Stephanie forces them to create a meal together and they end up falling in love.

Last week Lisa skated by again and Spike was sent home.

We meet up with the four final chefs several months later at an airport in Puerto Rico. Stephanie has been traveling around Cambodia, Antonia has opened a restaurant, Richard has been attending Lamaze classes, and Lisa has gotten her hair cut.

For the quickfire challenge, Padma confuses me . . .

Padma: "To be fair, that isn't difficult to do."

Ha ha. Anyway. She confuses me by telling us this round will determine the final three. What exaclty is a "round"? I would call the quickfire the first round. So does that mean someone will be eliminated after the quickfire?

Padma: "Stop thinking so hard. Can't you just enjoy being in Puerto Rico?"

I'm not in Puerto Rico. I'm in Burbank.

Padma: "Oh, jeez; sorry."

The guest judge this time is Willow Rosenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Richard: "Willow is one of the most respected witches in Puerto Rico. Plus, she likes chicks, which is pretty hot."

For the quickfire, they have to make little fried snacks called frituras and they have to use plantains.

Willow didn't like Richard's and Antonia's use of raw plantain (yuck) but he liked Stephanie's and Lisa's use of tostones, which must be a popular form of frituras, though it wasn't mentioned in the introduction to the challenge.

Stephanie wins! She will get a pretty good advantage in the elimination challenge.

The chefs go to a party and enjoy Puerto Rican culture. Looks fun!

Richard: "I'm having fun! I know you can't tell by looking at me, but I am!"

For the elimination challenge, the chefs will be cooking for a garden party at the beautiful governor's mansion. Each chef is given a whole pig to work with. The pigs will go shopping for them while they work in the kitchen.

But then the last four eliminated chefs show up (they just happened to be vacationing in Puerto Rico) and it was decided it would be better to use them as sous chefs and use the pigs for the food:

Stephanie: "Sorry, Wilbur."

Stephanie's advantage will be to pair up the chefs:

Stephanie: "My plan is to pair up people who actually work well together because it will be better for me if everyone is the kitchen is getting along."

God, she only cares about what's better for her! Selfish bitch.

Anyway, the teams are Stephanie and Dale, Richard and Spike, Antonia and Nikki, and Lisa and Andrew.

At the local market Nikki just buys a bunch of stuff that smells good to her, even though she doesn't know what it is.

Andrew is trying to speak Spanish:

Andrew: "DO . . . YOU . . . HAVO . . . PLASTICO BAGOS?"

Meanwhile, back at the kitchen, the chefs are having a hard time hacking their pig carcases apart:

Lisa: "My rabbi is going to kill me."

Dale has a special recipe for pork belly that involves leaving it sitting out overnight:

Dale: "The secret ingredient is botulism!"

So, Richard makes barbecued pork shoulder, pork belly with pickled watermelon, ham and beans, and ribs with Malta glaze.

Antonia makes pork belly with sweet peppers, pork sausage with pigeon peas and rice, and curried pork.

Lisa makes yuca and pork rellena, citrus braised pork belly, and adobo roasted pork tostone.

Stephanie makes chicharrones, fruit and prosciutto salad, coconut pork with plantain pancake, and pork satay on sugarcane.

The party goes pretty well. There are some problems with Lisa's execution and Antonia's pigeon peas are undercooked.

Richard and Stephanie are the top two. Richard wins a Toyota Corolla:

Richard: "Great. How the hell am I supposed to get that back on the plane? I'm pretty sure there's more than three ounces of fluid in that thing."

The Bravo poll is in: 117% of viewers think Lisa should go home.

The judges weren't crazy about Lisa's food but they really didn't like Antonia's concept of serving all her dishes mushed together on one plate and they were annoyed that she didn't realize the pigeon peas weren't cooked.

Antonia is out. Sorry, Antonia!

Lisa: "Excuse me, but I think a congratulations would be in order."

Sorry, Lisa. Congratulations for once again not being the absolute worst this week!