Project Runway, Season Five, Episode Three: Start Spreading the Blues.

Eric Three Thousand is almost back.  He should be home by Thursday or Friday of this week. He could probably even take care of the blog this weekend but I know that he'll also need his rest.  So here I am again.  Before we commence on Project Runway let me just say that I cannot breathe and my head is going to explode; even more reason to be gentle with my posting.  One hopes its allergies and not a cold.  Stay tuned and on with the show.

Does every episode start with the designers waking up?

Daniel: I feel really sad that Wesley is gone because I felt like we were really connecting in that special way that only two men can who work in the fashion industry.

Well duh!  We've all seen the Internet rumors.  We know you're "making it work."

Heidi greets the designers and presents the new challenge.  

Heidi: Psych!

She takes us through the model swap process but no exchange or mutha-f'in walk-offs tonight. She then instructs the designers to go home and get ready for a night on the town with Tim.

The designers ponder where Tim might be taking the designers for their night on the town. The gays...er...the guys speculate that they're going clubbing with Tim while the gals are just itching for a good time.  Unfortunately for the designers they're hopping a double-decker bus...in the rain.  Thankfully, the Gods of Project Runway have smiled upon our poor downtrodden designers and given them the remaining tablecloths from the first week's episode to wear as ponchos. 

They're on the bus to experience New York City nightlife, which will be the inspiration for their next dress.  I know when I'm looking for fun in New York, I hope a double-decker, open-air bus in the rain.  It just screams good times.

Stella: This bus may roll but it certainly doesn't rock.

The designers are split into groups and dropped off in various parts of the city.  Suede, Leanne, Daniel and Jennifer are dropped off at Columbus Circle (the Eric's just stayed up there in June).  

Blayne, Keith, Stella and Kenley are dropped off at Times Square.  

Korto, Kelli and Joe are near the New York Public Library/Bryant Park.  Joe refers to the Library as Grand Central. Nice one Joe.  I know Grand Central is not too far but it's not within eyeshot of the library.  Lord and Taylor, yes.  Grand Central, no.  Maybe they walked up 42nd.

Finally, Terri, Emily and Jerell are left in the Village.  Each group has one hour to snap photos as inspiration for their new design.

Jennifer: My first photo was a clock because New York doesn't sleep.

Stella can't make her camera work.

Kelli: The fire hydrant reminds me of Mad Max because in the movie there isn't much water. It's a desert wasteland which is a lot like New York; especially when it's raining.

uh-huh

Stella: Keith walked in front of me.

Terri: Graffiti!  I MUST HAVE graffiti.

God, I hope she doesn't buy purple and white fabric!

At some point there is some negative energy being thrown towards Keith who makes this his opportunity for the old reality TV standby...

Keith: I'm not here to be their friend.

The next morning, the designers return to the workroom to examine their photos and pick their inspiration before shopping for fabric.

Designers, you don't seem to be taking inspiration from the city.  It's more like, "this tiny nook of a crack at the bottom of a building, near the bottom and towards the edge of the sidewalk that I photographed is so abstractly fabulous that it is incredible inspiration.  You cannot even tell what it is it's so fabulous."

Maybe I'm too literal but I want my NYC inspiration to be actually representative of NYC.  One could argue that the crack is a rat hole and that's signature New York but c'mon.  Granted inspiration could come from anywhere but the challenge wasn't find something random and use it as inspiration which is exactly what they did.

Leanne: I'm afraid of being too creative and artistic but I'm just so amazing that I cannot hold myself in.

That's no excuse.

Meanwhile, Blayne is throwing death stares at Emily for no reason.  He frightens me.  It's clear that all that unnatural tanning has fried something in his head beyond the point of no repair.   I'm sure, too, that combining tanning and bleaching is madness inducing in the wrong people.  I've seen The Real Housewives of Orange County. I know what can happen.  I'm talking to you Vicki.

Tim comes in for "Make it Work" time:

Tim tells a shocked Kenley that her dress might be too costumey.  Tim, she has a feather coming out of her head.  This should not be a surprise.

Terri: I'm really street and hip-hop.

Right now your dress  - courtesy of that fabric that everyone seems to be mad for except for this Eric - looks a bit Golden Girls on the lanai.  I guess we can wait and see.

Tim tells Emily that her dress is not all that and Emily disagrees.  She thinks its perfect.  Someone's a bit too confident and we know what that means when we at home know that your dress is crap.

Tim starts to leave with his usual "make it work" and the like when Blayne - in all his crispy fabulousness - pipes up...

Blayne: Tim, you're supposed to say "hollah at yo boy!"

Tim: First Christian and now this.  According to recent reports in the news and on Perez Hilton, I don't get paid enough for this shit.  Fine whatever, HOLLER!

Designers: No Tim.  It's Hollah!

Tim: Isn't that ethnic bread?

The designers are getting ready for the runway show when Keith gets shocking news.  His model has dropped out and he has to put his shapeless dress on a different shape than the one he had planned.  He might have wanted to use this to his advantage later one.

Imaginary Future Keith: Well I couldn't get the proportions right because I had a model change at the last minute and my original model was just that much bigger.  So blame her.

As we see the rush of madness before the show, we catch a glimpse of Jennifer's dress.  From the quick pass I thought Jennifer was doing a piano or something. I completely forgot about her clock thing.  On the runway, it will look too much like a clock.

My Runway Impressions:

Keith - blah

Blayne - ick

Joe - fine

Emily - awful ruffles...awful! (Emily: I'm not sure it shows me off at my best.  Me: You said it was perfect before)

Leanne - nice skirt; cute

Jennifer - pregnant clock metaphor

Jerell - fine but it doesn't remind me of his photo

Kelli - Sort of interesting but I see more Mad Max than Fire Hydrant

Daniel - pretty and pretty color

Kenley - wrong fabric - maybe a bit lounge chair; interesting shape if forced to say something good

Suede - eh

Stella - who cares

Korto - nice but boring

Terri - no, I don't like it

I didn't like any of them that much.  I liked Daniels and Korto's I guess.  They didn't make it to the best or worst so I guess that's good.  They like Terri's and I really hate it.  Well, they didn't ask me.  This week's winner is Kenley.  Really?  That fabric was awful.  AWFUL.  

The auf'd designer is...Emily.  Bye Emily, we hardly knew you.  In fact, as I type this the following morning I almost forgot which was your dress and I certainly can't recall anything you did in the previous challenges.  So far in fact, I'm feeling a bit non-remembering of the entire season.  Someone needs to light a fire under these designers because so far...yawn.

Shear Genius. Season Two. Episode Five: Beach Blanket Bobs.

Other-Eric back again.  Let me get the obligatory promise out of the way...Eric Three Thousand will be back soon.  I just spoke with him and he misses you all and cannot wait to come back.  He is having a nice visit with family and had good things to say about 'Mamma Mia' with a terrible footnote about Pierce Brosnan.

On to the show...

First off, as my own personal side note...I LOVE Jaclyn Smith.  She is just so terrific.  I've also seen her at the mall.  I know. It's pretty fantastic.

We join our stylists just as we did the designers on Project Runway last night; the sun is rising and Nicole is missing her roommate.  She comes across a bucket of flip-flops and takes a pair.

Eric Three Thousand: Those are slippers.

On the mainland we call them flip flops. (Did you know E3K grew up in Hawaii?)

Each of the designers takes a pair of slip flops (coining new Eric phrases folks) while Nicole continues on about missing her roommate.

Nicole: I feel bad.  No I don't.  Yes I do.  Ok, no I don't.

Jaclyn greets the stylists at the salon on the beach.

Charlie:  It's so much fun to be out of the salon in the sun, sand and surf.

He must be saying this later in the day as there is no sun.

The guest judge is Oscar Blandi.  I've heard of him.   They introduce the challenge which is to take surfers fresh from the ocean and getting them ready for a night on the town without the opportunity to wash the hair.

Everyone goes crazy as a crop of shirtless men come up out of the water.  I bet they weren't even surfing.  I bet they're just models.  I know I'm jaded.

Nicole: I was just praying that I got a good model and I did.

He may be a good model but judging from the top of his rolled wet-suit in relation to his butt, I'm thinking he may also be a plumber.  Or maybe an electrician. 

OMG!  The picture just froze.  It went wonky for a few minutes and came back just as the stylists were finishing their looks.  What happened?  I guess it doesn't matter because here comes the results of the challenge.

Crazy.  Even though I recorded the show last night, I'm watching the commercials live while snacking on a box of Fruity Pebbles and the picture is continuing to get all weird.  I hope it doesn't happen throughout the show. Incidentally, it's hard to eat Fruity Pebbles by hand; they're very small.

Anyway, we're back for the results.  I'm not impressed.  It's also hard to say because it keeps skipping and chunks keep disappearing; very challenging to watch and a little annoying.   The bottom two are Daniel and Glenn, who is the last last.  The top stylists are Nicole and Dee.  I like Nicole's the best.  Ooh and she's the winner! She will also have a big advantage in the elimination challenge.

Rene (Hi, Hi) greets the stylists with the new challenge.   A group of models walks in.   On Rene's cue, they pull of their hair to reveal their bald heads.  As we cut to commercial we hear gasps and shrieks from our stylists.  It's like they've never seen a head without hair before.

Daddy Warbucks:  I don't understand what the big deal is.

Mr. Clean: Yeah.

Bald Chick from Star Trek The Motion Picture: I concur.

We learn that our models have and are living with alopecia.  This auto-immune disorder keeps them from growing hair.

Rene: Nicole, yawy geyat to pwack youah modwel fwoost and den wish styawist geyats to pwack afdah yew.

Big deal Rene; that's the advantage they always get.

Paulo: Sob!

Rene: Whayas youah pwoblem?

Paulo: It's just so brave and courageous.

Rene: Yew goat dat wyaghat?

Excuse me. (PS: I know making fun of Rene's accent is easy but really, what's up with that?! Oh, and while we're at it, what's with the posture and the hands on the hips thing?!)

The models will each have a brand-new wig styled for them which is good so that their regular hair is not ruined.

I don't how to be funny about this episode.  I've been sucked in.  I feel bad for Nicole and her emotional response sucked me in to a point where I was just completely watching.  Even her model is moved by Nicole's movement.

Let's see what happens during the results show.

Daniel's model looks like a helmet.  Glenn's cut looks OK but the wig has WAY too much hair.  Charlie's looks like a wig.  Mary's REALLY looks like a wig.  Nekisa's is fine.  Paulo's is OK but the look is somewhat mature looking for her model.  I don't think Nicole's looks that bad; the front is great. Dee's looks fine.  None of them disgust me.  I forgot Gail's.  Not good; really wiggy.

Glenn, Dee and Daniel are all safe.

Nekisa's cut wasn't loved.  Paulo gets good marks.  Charlie gets the helmet comment I made for Daniel.  Gail is not loved and called out for aging her client.  It totally looks like a wig.

I feel bad for Nicole.   It looked like the designers were laughing at her but Paulo was actually crying at the joy of Nicole's client.

Jaclyn's hair looks amazing.

Huh, they liked Nicole's.  I'm really glad about that.  The front looked really great on her model.  The wig was just REALLY thick.

Paulo wins and dry-humps the air in excitement.

Charlie: Thank God he finally won but it serves him right for winning when immunity no longer is an option.

Charlie's bugging me.  Can you say holier than though?

The bottom three is Nekisa, Gail and Charlie.

Charlie: I totally knew that mine was shit.

Luckily for him the tribe has spoken and Gail is fired.  No final rose for her.

NEXT WEEK - CHARLIE'S ANGELS CHALLENGE!!!!!!!

Project Runway, Season Five, Episode Two: Burlap and Birkenstocks

Greetings Eric Three Thousand fans!  Unfortunately your regular Eric is unable to join you as he is traveling to parts unknown.  In his absence he has asked this other-Eric to watch after and comment on his Blog.  I know that this is like having your regular Eric substituted for generic Eric but I prefer to think of it as having your regular coffee replaced by Folgers Crystals.  They always turn out to be not so bad. 

The one thing that I do do differently than Eric Three Thousand is that I like to comment as I watch the show.  You don't know this but Eric Three Thousand spends time and carefully crafts his musings for your reading pleasure.  I jump in and hope for the best.  Don't be too harsh as your regular Eric will return shortly.  In the meantime, sit back and enjoy.

PS: We just started getting the East Coast feed of Bravo.  What a pleasure to not have to wait until 10 for the good stuff.

The sun rises on another day in Manhattan as Suede reflects on his roommates departure.

Suede: Suede thought the psycho killer look was going to be the next big thing.  I cannot believe Jerry is gone.  Suede is shocked.

Meanwhile in the Girls dorm, Stella tries to poison everyone with some crazy goth drink and thanks the under-lord that she is still in the running.

The designers meet Heidi at Parsons where we get the usual bit about the models and how it is a competition for them as well.  This week the models get handpicked by each designer and one will be out.  This week its Bell.  Or is it Belle?

This week's challenge is to make a cocktail dress for their chosen model.  WOW!  That's really interesting and really unexpected.  I don't know where they come up with these crazy challenges.

Nora: I totally got sent home the first season when I had to design a wedding dress for my model.

That's right!  I've seen this challenge before.

Tim: No.  This time they have to make it work harder and design their dresses out of environmentally friendly fabrics.

Oh.

Leanne: I ALWAYS use green.

Tim: Wait there's more!

Ginsu knives?!!!

Tim: No, the model's will be buying the fabric.

Wow!  How do they come up with this?

Designers:  This is sacrilegious.  Models cannot buy fabric.

The models are given 30 minutes to shop at Mood and immediately take over the organic section.

Xaviera: I know nothing about fashion design.

Really? You'd think being around fashion would at least help you a little bit.  Or, really, what do you like to wear.

Tia: I picked what I like and what would look good on me.

See.

Tim takes the models back to Parsons to the nervous designers who now have 30 minutes to discuss the outfit.  The designers are not impressed.

Wesley: My models fabrics are totally disgusting.

Suede: I'm putting Suede into it.

Wait, suede isn't green.

Suede: No, not suede...SUEDE.

I don't get it.

Stella: I don't do green.  I'm urban.

The models get ready to leave...

Stella: This is not what I do.

We get it.

The models leave, the designers get started and we cut to commercial.  As we return we get to hear from each of the designers inner voices...

Emily: I love the green aspect of this challenge.  I love dumping crap into the ocean.

Blayne: I have to prove myself to Darth Vader...darthlicious.

Stella: My model wants flowy.  The judges need to know what I can do and what my aesthetic is.  They don't need to know that I can service the needs of my client.

You're right.  They don't need to know unless they ask the model, "Model, how do you feel about this look?"

Nora: Hey, I did exactly what my model told me and got sent home.

Clearly, you didn't see your dress. 

The designers start to notice that they either have the same fabric and they need to be different or that other designers are doing similar pleating to theirs.   I say Holy War!

Tim comes in to meet with each of the designers and give typical feedback, "Carry on, make it work, I'm worried about you, etc."  He also uses the term "Hot Mess."

"Hot Mess?"  That's new for Tim isn't it?

Suede: I'm a little crazy

Tim: Crazy how?

Really Tim? He talks in the third person.

Tim: You really need to follow your own vision and your own voice.

The other designers bitch slap Tim for asking Suede to keep talking aloud.

Tim presents a new wrinkle to the challenge.  The winning designer will not win immunity but their dress will be featured on Bluefly.com.  Also, one of Hollywood's hottest young stars will be the guest judge.

Who could it be?!

The designers scramble to finish their first days work.

Stella: This sucks.  I'm urban.  I only work in leather.

Blayne starts to make fun of her and her love of leather.  Interesting coming from the guy who is turning himself into leather.  Don't judge Blayne, it isn't becoming.

The next morning we see the guys getting ready to head back to Parsons.  I think Daniel uses the same hair product I do.  Wow, we have so much in common.

On the day of the runway show Tim comes in to provide some moral support.

Tim: You're not going to make it work.  You're stressing me out!

That's not very supportive Tim.

Tim: Let me finish.  I was going to add that I have every confidence in your abilities.

You didn't see this at home but when Tim turned around I understand that he had his fingers crossed.

Stella's model likes her dress even though Stella did not follow her instructions.  Stella you may have found your way in to round three.

Daniel is still working on his sewing machine with only 5 minutes to go while the other judges...er...designers judge the work of those they deem inferior.  Careful, careful.  Those who judge could end up getting judged.

Lifetime Network Exec: Or be asked back to be a judge on next season's Los Angeles season of Project Runway!

Jaclyn Smith: That's so Season 2 of Shear Genius.

Heidi: Now it's time to meet our super celebrity young Hollywood Judge.

NATALIE PORTMAN!  Wow, that is a good one.  She is young.  She's Hollywood.  She's Oscar nominated.  She's pretty.  She's an environmentalist.  (But she sucked in the Star Wars movies)

Joe: She's so amazing. She has her own vegan shoe line and she makes shoes out of faux leather.

Payless: Big deal. We haven't used leather or any kind of natural fiber in years.

Onto the Runway show...

Keith - Beauty and the Beast Diaper

Terri - Looks good.

Wesley - Not well made.

Jerell - Don't like the feathers.

Jennifer - eh

Daniel - Looks good.  Doesn't look "green" but is it too basic?  Or with those pockets, too Chloe?

Joe - Looks good. Don't like the color.

Suede - Valentine chic...but it looks good.  Well made.

Kenley - Looks good; not crazy about the neck but it works.

Kelli - Not great especially for the model's figure

Leanne - That hideous color again. Too short. Overdone.

Stella - Too short.  Don't like it really.

Blayne - BRIGHT!  A little Dynasty up top.

Emily - SHEESH!  It looks like a bathing suit cover up.

Korto - This dress has wings.

Results...

But first, quick question for Wesley...who wears short shorts?

The good: Kenley, Stella, Suede (Natalie: I would wear that)

The bad: Wesley (Nina: Tiny, Shiny and Short is the quickest route to cheap), Korto (OMG! Nina quoted me about the wings!!!), Leanne (even her model hates it)

The winner is: Suede.

The Auf'd designer is: Wesley.

I feel bad now for making a joke about his short shorts.

Well that was this Eric's recap.  As I asked up top, please don't be too harsh and stay tuned for some bits on Shear Genius.

Project Runway, Season Five, Episode One: Tablecloths are the new black!

[Click here for my Shear Genius recap]

Heidi: "This is Project Runway!"

Uh, yeah, duh; that's why we're here! So, Heidi and Tim are back for a new season!

Heidi: "Hey, Tim, is this skirt too short?"

Tim: "Well, I can't quite see your coochie, if that's what you're asking."

Heidi: "Darn . . . how about now?"

OK, so first let me just say that 16 contestants is exactly the wrong number of people for my tiny brain to comprehend. I was able to remember the 12 contestants on Shear Genius almost instantly but I'm not going to remember anyone on this show until a few people are eliminated.

I'll provide a little list here but I'm telling you right now I've already forgotten all of them. The descriptions, as usual, will mainly relate to their hairstyles:

Jerell used to be a model. He designs for a very exclusive group of clients. In other words, he doesn't have many clients.

Blayne is very tan. He is obsessed with street culture, hip lingo, and skin cancer:

Blayne: "Sup holla!"

I think you mean "S'up, holla."

Blayne: "Huh?"

Never mind.

Joe is a dad. He has facial hair.

Stella has severe black Cher hair because she is a rocker. She says she designs for Blondie. I'm wondering whether she designs for the whole group or if she really means she designs for Deborah Harry.

Jennifer has long brown hair and likes a surrealist Holly Golightly Salvador Dali look. Obviously.

Stella: "Hey, Jennifer, I just hope I don't get sent home first."

Jennifer: "Hey, Stella, could you possibly think of a more boring thing to say?"

Kelli has long blond hair and is very cute; she reminds me of Thora Birch. She has a Betsey Johnson aesthetic.

OMG, it's Donna Summer and she looks fantastic! Oh, wait, no, it's Terri. For some reason Terri doesn't tell us anything about herself during the introductions.

Jerry tells us that he is almost famous and he doesn't really need us to validate his talent but he decided to go on the show anyway. His designs are really pretty cool even if he does seem to be one of those designers who makes all black or all white clothes.

The next designer has a name that is so stupid I refuse to repeat it here on my blog. I'm just going to call him Pleather:

Pleather: "Pleather got tired of making millions for other people and finally decided that Pleather needed to start talking about himself in the third person."

Eric Three Thousand is totally down with that.

Keith has a buzzed head. He don't need no education.

Korto has a fabulous afro and is originally from Liberia. She now lives in Little Rock, Arkansas. Apparently on purpose.

Kenley has dark hair with bangs. She appears to be going for a Bettie Page look.

Leanne has long brown hair with bangs. She usually wears glasses. People are going to underestimate her because she is from Portland, Oregon.

Emily has wavy dark brown hair with bangs. I can't tell you anything more about her right now.

Daniel and Wesley are cute young guys with dark hair. Daniel's hair is longer than Wesley's. Did I mention that they are cute?

And, of course, the final designer is Daniel Franco. Oh, come on; you knew I was going to do that.

The designers go up to the roof to see if they can kill pedestrians with champagne corks:

Tim: "You are the most diverse group of designers we have ever had on Project Runway. In other words, you are not the most talented group of designers we've ever had. But you are diverse. Actually, you what? You're not even that diverse. But we love all our groups of designers equally. OK, that's not true, either. I have an idea: let's get drunk!"

The next morning Tim wakes the designers at 4:00 in the morning. And Tim doesn't look like he just rolled out of bed so who knows how long he's been up:

Other Eric: "That's just not right. The designers deserve it but how can they do that to Tim?"

Well, let's just hope he was out partying all night and hadn't even gone to bed.

Tim leads the designers to the grocery store from the first challenge of the first season. The season five designers are apparently the only people on earth who haven't given a great deal of thought to what they would have done for the grocery store challenge. I'm mean, we all know what we would do, right?

Tim: "You have $75 dollars."

Damn. That rules out my idea of making a trench coat out of filet mignon.

We watch the designers running around the grocery store. Stella's leggings are making me a little nauseated. Most of the designers are getting really boring materials. They are mostly getting tablecloths. The only interesting materials are plastic cups and mop heads. Oh, and a dodge ball.

Jerry doesn't want to do anything interesting because he wants to be taken seriously. He upsets environmentalists by telling us he usually just throws away everything he gets at the grocery store.

Stella buys garbage bags and then spends the rest of the episode complaining that her garment is going to look like trash or garbage:

Stella: "My fabric is garbage."

That's because it isn't fabric; it's a garbage bag.

Blayne is trying to make "girlicious" this season's "fierce" but it's not going to happen. However, he may soon be associated with the term "tranny mess." I'm not promising him anything but it is a possibility.

Tim comes in and starts freaking everyone out by pointing out the obvious fact that their designs all suck. Then everyone starts furiously plastering various pieces of crap all over their tablecloths.

Stella finally starts making something awful out of her trash bags:

Stella: "If I'm the first eliminated designer, I'm going to look like the biggest jackass on the planet."

Oh, don't worry about it. Your hair already took care of that.

The next day, the designers are finishing up their work and preparing for the runway.

Blayne is having a little trouble fitting his model:

Blayne: "This fit the mannequin. Why doesn't it fit you?"

Model: "Unlike the mannequin, I actually have genitalia."

Blayne: "OK, gross. Well, we're going to have to cover that up. Do you mind if I sew this directly to your vagina?"

On to the runway:

The judges, of course, are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and the late Yves Saint Laurent.

Emily's look is kind of blah. There's lots of crap piled into a big collar but that's really all there is to it.

Jerell's is also just OK. The skirt is fine, the top is almost cute, but they don't go together.

Leanne just glued a bunch of cookies to her tablecloth dress. It's not the worst but it's pretty dull.

Korto also made a tablecloth dress. Here's the big difference between hers and the others: It is a gorgeous dress! I really love it. And, instead of working against the stiffness of the paper, she actually used it to create a silhouette that wouldn't be possible with a softer material. I thought the produce was a pointless addition but Yves Saint Laurent liked it so who am I to complain?

Jennifer made a paper-towel dress and it was fine.

Daniel made a very cool plastic cup dress. It was very impressive. Yes, the silhouette was not exciting and I usually hate sweetheart necklines, but it was actually very appropriate because of the curved shape of the cups. This should have won.

Terri made a woven mop-head top and I loved it! Unfortunately she didn't have time to do anything for the bottom.

Pleather made a very boring sheath dress from a tablecloth. I like the effect of the blue squares he sewed onto it. But they're just bits of blue plastic. Nothing is added to the look by knowing they are doggie waste bags. I supposed that's meant to be edgy.

Stella's garbage bag dress is really not as bad as I expected. But is that enough to win? Just kidding. But seriously, is it enough to not lose?

Joe made a skirt with pasta. The pattern is actually really cute but I'm seeing an awful lot of muslin.

Kenley's outfit is not bad. I like the dodge ball top. It makes the model's breasts very bouncy.

Jerry's outfit is just strange. I feel like it could have been interesting but it just didn't work. It made the model look pregnant and you definitely got a scary vibe from it.

Wesley made a dress out of a yellow tablecloth and stuck a bunch of yellow things on it so you couldn't see them. He thinks the judges will be impressed because they'll have to look twice to try to figure out what the things are. The problem is that they won't bother looking twice.

Blaine's "garment" is a tranny mess. There; I said it. I agree with the judges that it was ugly but I don't agree that it was interesting. I think ugly can be interesting but I don't think ugly automatically makes something interesting. I found this both ugly and boring.

Kelly made a skirt with vacuum-cleaner bags that she stained and bleached to make a beautiful material. I don't love the overall outfit, however; especially the coffee-filter top. This would have been my number two.

Keith made another incredibly boring tablecloth dress.

Kelly wins! Congratulations, Kelly!

Jerry is out.

Nina: "Jerry's outfit looked like what Michael wears when he kills people."

Michael: "Nina! That's supposed to be our secret!"

Nina: "Oh, please; like everyone hasn't guessed that already?"

Shear Genius, Season Two, Episode Four: The One Charlie Doesn't Win!

So, Charlie has immunity for the second week in a row:

Nekisa: "I didn't even know that was physically possible."

This week's guest judge is that guy Roy who was on last season.

For the quickfire challenge, the geniuses are playing musical clients. The clients have to keep moving from one chair to the next until Roy tells them to stop. At that point, the clients stuck with Meredith and Nekisa lose. Ready? Go!

Paulo's client is a mental case:

Paulo's client: "I didn't know they were going to do something to my hair! Is that what happens at hair salons? I've never been to one before so I didn't know that. I really think they should warn people that they might try to touch your hair when you go to a salon."

Meredith decides on a fourteen-step carrot-orange color for her client:

Charlie: "Meredith, your balls are almost as big as your tits!"

You know, Charlie pretends that he's a ruthless bitch but he always says the sweetest things.

Charlie chose his client because she had the worst hair and he didn't want to end up with her.

Unfortunately, his gamble didn't pay off because everyone ended up with his or her original client:

Roy: "I think you made a smart decision because you knew you could make the biggest change with that client."

Charlie: "Oh, yeah, that's why I picked her."

Roy says Glenn's client was begging to be banged. Glenn's client tells Roy he's begging to be punched in the face.

Meredith loses the quickfire:

Meredith: "It's because my client didn't have curly hair. People are so prejudiced against straight-haired people."

Dee wins the quickfire and will get the usual pointless advantage in the elimination challenge:

Dee: "I run my salon exactly like that challenge; we shuffle the clients around to a dozen different stylists so that eventually the client doesn't even care what she looks like anymore. That's why I did so well on this challenge."

OK, so remember in the previews how it looks like everyone is accusing Dee of something and she's defending herself? Yeah, that doesn't happen:

After a night of drinking wine out of a box, Dee starts screaming incoherently at Charlie for no reason:

Dee: "You aren't classy like I am!"

I then picture Dee grabbing her crotch to demonstrate exactly how classy she is.

Seriously, the "argument" was a complete non-event. The geniuses are just talking about how hard it was to switch clients and Charlie says they all looked like shit and then Dee, who apparently bleached the part of her head that used to contain her sense of humor, starts yelling. But everyone else basically ignores her and it's over pretty quickly.

For the elimination challenge, the geniuses have to create a style that the client can replicate at home. The geniuses seem to understand the challenge but, for some reason, they are all shocked later when Rene tells them the judging will take place the next day, after the clients have styled their own hair. Uh, hello? That's the point of the challenge!

Nekisa: "If I'm going to win any challenge, it's going to be this one."

Yeah, you're never going to win a challenge.

So, Dee gets first pick of the clients. She then gets to assign clients to the other geniuses. She can assign them in any order; in other words, she could have assigned the worst client to her least favorite genius first, last, or in the middle. But everyone assumes she is picking in the order of preference. And, for some reason, that does appear to be what she did.

Obviously, she gives Nekisa the best client:

Nekisa: "I don't know why everyone thinks Dee has a crush on me. Just because she's gay and is constantly trying to have sex with me doesn't mean she has a crush on me. Jeez!"

The winner of this challenge will be featured in a "pictorial" (which is later clarified as "advertorial") in Allure magazine:

Glenn: "That's national exposure; you can get that in bookstores!"

Yeah, we understand the concept of Allure magazine, Glenn. Obviously, we don't actually buy it but we do understand that it exists and is available in bookstores.

Rene tells everyone the surprising news that in a challenge about having a client style her own hair, the judging will actually take place after the clients style their own hair. Everyone is shocked.

So what's everyone doing?

Nicole is going to try to make her client look exactly as crappy as she would look if she styled it herself; that way, when the client styles her own hair it will look the same.

Charlie spends the entire time shampooing his client's hair.

Meredith gives her client a simple 73 step process for styling her hair in the morning.

On to the hairway:

Nicole's client looks pretty good. I don't think she looks fantastic but she's much better than when she came in. Yes, it's very impressive that she can now do her hair in 8 minutes.

Daniel's client also looks pretty good. The cut seems a little dated to me, though.

Nekisa's client looks fine but she doesn't look much different from when she came in.

Charlie needed to do something about his client's severe, black hair. It's just not flattering.

Dee's client looks fantastic!

Paulo's client looks better but not great.

Meredith's client looks awful. It's really bizarre looking. The cut looked really quite good when Meredith styled it but the client obviously was not able to replicate it. Kim is absolutely right when he compares it to a squid. The back reminds me of Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. And the problem is not that the client has curly hair; the problem is that it's straightened in front and all tendrily in back; it's like two separate styles. And both of them are bad.

Glenn's client looks fabulous! The client looks so happy and clearly loves her new style!

Gail's client looks fine.

The problem with the judging segment is we only got the before and after pictures so it was difficult to compare the client's styling to the look they were trying to replicate.

So obviously Dee and Glenn are the top two. Glenn wins! Congratulations, Glenn:

Glenn: "I know I said I would give my right tit to win this challenge but I didn't really mean it."

Don't worry, Glenn, you can keep both your tits.

Nekisa and Meredith are the bottom two. I would love Meredith to stay. And I'm sure if they weren't being judged on talent, she would sail through to the end.

Unfortunately, Meredith is out:

Meredith: "There is so much prejudice against people with half straight/half curly hair. People who have only one hair style at a time just don't get it."

Shear Genius, Season Two, episode three: Matthew's wife is prettier than you are!

It's a brand new day at the home of the geniuses:

Daniel: "This is going to be the greatest day of my entire life! I just hope nobody has to go home. I don't understand why we can't all just stay on the show and keep doing hair forever!"

Because then the show would never end.

Daniel: "Uh huh . . . and that's a problem why?

Well, I don't really have a good answer for that.

Last week Charlie won and the picture of his work is up on the Allure Wall of Horrors:

Jaclyn Smith: "Charlie . . ."

Disembodied Voice: "Yes, angels?"

Jaclyn: "Oh, sorry; I was talking to a different Charlie."

So, Jaclyn tells Charlie that he's been doing so well that he gets the amazing opportunity to say something bad about one of the other contestants:

Charlie: "Gail sucks. Whew! It feels so good to finally say it!"

Matthew: "Jaclyn, you didn't ask me any questions."

Jaclyn: "Why the hell would I? I already know your answer is somehow going to involve your goddamn wife and how friggin' great she is."

Matthew: "she's prettier than you"

Jaclyn: "Excuse me? What did you just say?"

Matthew: "nothing"

Jaclyn: "Yeah, that's what I thought, bitch."

For the quickfire, the geniuses have to create a style that is interesting and structurally complicated. The clients have really long hair. They also have to incorporate some ugly accessories and, oh yeah, nothing sharp can go near their hair (that's Orange County speak for "you can't cut their hair").

Charlie's style is looking a little bridal. Apparently that's bad. I guess I missed the part of the instructions where they were told they couldn't do bridal.

Nekisa didn't add the ugly accessory because she just didn't have that extra two seconds it would have taken to stick a flower in the client's hair. Somehow we end up with two geisha. They are both OK but I really like Dee's. Nicole made a total mess. I liked the idea of the braiding but the final result was just awful. She complained that her client didn't have any hair and when the judge disagreed with her she basically called him an idiot. Charlie's was OK but I didn't think it was very interesting. For some reason he was in the top two. Matthew's looked kind of nice in the back but, again, I didn't think it was very interesting and the strings of pearls looked so ridiculous. The judge picks Matthew as the winner. It turns out Nicole is right: the judge is an idiot.

Matthew: "This is just like that one time when my wife said she loved me."

Really?

Matthew wins the right to choose the order of model selection in the elimination challenge. I can't figure out why anyone would wast their energy trying to win these quickfire challenges. It just isn't worth it.

Suddenly we are on Big Brother and Matthew is HOH. People are fighting to have some personal time with him:

Nicole: "This is pathetic."

As annoying as Nicole is, I'm totally with her on this one.

Matthew: "You know the problem with all these people wanting to talk to me?"

They aren't your wife?

Matthew: "Bingo!"

For the elimination challenge, the geniuses have to choose from a bunch of super boring dresses and then after they choose the dress they will be matched with the client and create a red carpet look.

Matthew: "These aren't as nice as the dresses my wife would wear."

Rene: "This challenge has nothing to with your wife."

Matthew: "You're just jealous you don't have a wife as beautiful as my wife."

Rene: "Are you on drugs?"

So, the geniuses pick dresses and then meet their clients. Matthew decides to curl his client's hair, even thought she tells him it won't hold a curl:

Matthew: "My wife's hair would hold a curl."

You know what? I'm starting to think he doesn't even have a wife.

Charlie explains to us that hair show is different from red carpet. Unless you are Björk. So, then, I guess Paulo is designing for Björk. I don't see what's wrong with that.

One of the guest judges is "actress" Alison Sweeney. Daniel, of course, is peeing himself with excitement:

Matthew: "I'd be more excited to see my wife."

Daniel: "Well, you're a big dummy."

On to the red carpet hair show:

Dee's is kind of boring.

Matthew's is a total horror show.

Meredith did this big 1940s-inspired pompadour, which was almost kind of cool but was so wrong for the dress the client was wearing that it was really jarring.

I liked Daniel's. I could see Lindsay Lohan wearing this on the red carpet. It didn't hurt that his client looked a little like Lindsay Lohan, of course.

OK, yes, Paulo's was much more runway than red carpet. I get it. But it was still kind of cool and the idea that there are never outrageous looks on the red carpet is just silly. I can see Judy Dench with this hair style, can't you?

I thought Nicole's was pretty boring.

Glenn's was not bad. I could see Deborah Messing wearing this. Again, it doesn't hurt that the client looked a little like Deborah Messing.

Charlie is the clear winner. The color, which is where he spent the most time, is beautiful. The style is so sleek and simple but the way it folds over in the back adds subtle architectural interest. It's a hairstyle that adds glamour to the overall look without calling attention to itself.

Gail's is a little boring.

Nekisa's isn't very good.

On to the judging:

The judges act like they've never seen a style with one loose piece of hair hanging down. It's one thing to dislike it but it's another to be totally surprised by it.

One of the judges says he couldn't send his clients down the red carpet looking like Paulo's client. Did he ever think that maybe he needs new clients?

Charlie, Glenn, and Gail were the top three. Charlie wins again.

Nicole, Matthew, and Paulo are the bottom three. Matthew is out.

Matthew: "Being on this show was so important because it has given me the national platform I have been looking for to talk about my wife."

Meredith: "His wife must give amazing blow jobs."

Shear Genius Season Two, Episode Two: the one with the oranges!

Apparently there is some show about housewives and oranges and I've never seen it but it sounds awful. For some reason they are on the show this week. Yeah, the housewives AND the oranges are on the show. I'm assuming it's a show about women who grow oranges and complain a lot.

We start the episode with Daniel on the Allure Wall of Horrors, which means he will be eliminated next week (he has immunity this week).

For the quickfire challenge, Daniel gets to pick his client first and then picks the order of the other geniuses:

Daniel: "I'm afraid the other's will think I may have some sort of strategy but I don't."

They have to take a client with long hair and cut it short and flirty.

Jaclyn tries out a catchphrase:

Jaclyn: "Sock it to me."

No, not that one.

Jaclyn: "Go shake it."

Rene: "No, it's, 'Go shake it.'"

Jaclyn: "That's what I said. Go shake it."

Rene: "Close. Try it one more time. Go shake it."

Jaclyn: "Go shake it."

Rene: "You're still not saying it right. Just leave the catchphrases to the experts."

Halfway through the cut, the geniuses are introduced to this week's guest judge. It's Tabatha! I'm so excited to see her I'm crying a little bit. Sorry, I'll try to pull myself together.

Tabatha tells the geniuses that it's time to impress her, though she doubts anyone is as good as she is.

Nicole: "Everyone compares me to Tabatha because I'm so cute and sweet and sassy."

What the hell is she talking about? Is "sassy" is the new way of saying "raging bitch"?

So what does Tabatha have to say about the results?

Tabatha:
"So, Meredith, did you intend to make your client look like Ronald McDonald?"
"Glenn, why did you decide to make your client look older?"
"Nekisa, if you ever talk back to me again, I'll rip your face off."
"Paulo, I probably wouldn't have chosen to make my client's head look like a baboon's butt exploded but that's just my personal preference."

Wow, she's kind of a little miss know-it-all, isn't she?

Charlie wins the quickfire by basically shaving his client's head. She looked cute.

That night the geniuses drink vodka out of plastic cups and complain about Tabatha. The next morning they wake up to a bowl of oranges in the kitchen, which doesn't seem like such a strange thing to find in a kitchen except that the oranges have numbers tattooed on them. Matthew picks number 11 and immediately starts whining about how he's going home, even though he has no idea what the numbers mean. But we all hope he's right, anyway.

The geniuses walk into the studio but Rene jumps in front of them, his cape fluttering in the breeze:

Rene: "Supwize!"

Rene tells us about the surprise and, while I couldn't really understand any of what he said, it has something to do with those housewives and oranges I mentioned at the top of the post. I guess they are going to be on the show:

Daniel: "OH, MY, GOD!!!! I LOVE ORANGES SO MUCH I'M SHAKING!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE SINCE THE LAST GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE, WHICH WAS YESTERDAY, WHEN MY WORK WAS PUT UP ON THE ALLURE WALL OF HORRORS AND THAT WAS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE SINCE THE DAY BEFORE THAT, WHEN JACQUELINE [sic] TOLD ME SHE LOVED MY WORK! EVERY DAY I LIVE IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!"

Charlie steals Daniel's client, though I don't really see what difference it makes.

The geniuses go shake it.

OK, I don't know who these housewives are but they are kind of a nightmare. Bravo should make a television show about these women.

The housewives are served champagne in big plastic wine glasses and they seem happy about it. I would have been all, "Get me a real goddamn champagne flute or I'm walking!" but I guess I'm just too high maintenance for reality television.

Time for the judging:

Nekisa's client doesn't look any better than when she came in.

Daniel's client doesn't look happy with her hair but I thought she looked pretty good.

Paulo had Vicki. I don't care how the hair looks because the fact that he didn't slap her in the face is a major accomplishment and I think he should be commended for his restraint.

Nicole did a pretty decent job.

Matthew created a really boring style.

Glenn's client looks fine.

Charlie did a cute cut that works on his young client. I agree with the Tabatha that the bangs are just a touch too long:

Charlie: "I'll take it, mommy."

Gail's client wouldn't let her cut her hair but that doesn't excuse how totally shitty the final style is. It looks like it hasn't even been washed. Disgusting.

Parker had a major challenge. His middle-aged client had dyed her hair black and he isn't a color expert so he didn't want to risk lightening it. Unfortunately, to make it on this show you need to know a little bit about coloring hair and it was a risk he needed to take. But the worst part is that he took a bad situation and made it worse. He gave her really severe bangs, which only added to the aging factor of the color. It was a cut that looked cute on Charlie's client but was not appropriate for Parker's client. Honestly, she didn't look that bad but she definitely looked older than when she came in and that's a problem.

Dee did a good job.

Meredith's client looked kind of crappy.

Dee, Charlie, and Glenn are the top three and Charlie wins! Congratulations, Charlie!

Parker, Gail, and Paulo are the bottom three. Paulo shouldn't have been in the bottom three but I agree with the judges that the other two were bad. But, while Parker didn't create a style that was perfect for his client, Gail created a style that would have looked like shit on anybody. I thought she should have been out.

Unfortunately, Parker is out. Most people thought he should have won last week which would have given him immunity this week. The fans are not going to be happy about this.

The others are taking it hard, too:

Daniel: "This is the worst day of my entire life!"

Oshun: "This is bullshit."