Top Chef New York episode four: It's Morning Again in America!

Before we get to throwing people under a bus, and we will, just a quick reminder about a Day without a Gay, which is next Wednesday, December 10th. The LGBT community and straight supporters are asked to take the day off from work, if possible, and to try to avoid spending money or otherwise contributing to the economy for that one day. That means no shopping, no Internet, and definitely no watching of Top Chef next week. OK, I'm just kidding about that last one. Of course you can watch Top Chef. Just cover your ears when Padma talks about the Glad Family of Products.

Moron: "But if I don't go to work I'll be fired and I'll lose my house."

That's an excellent point, Moron. If taking the day off will cause you to be fired or cause you financial hardship, then please go to work. For heaven's sake.

Dumbass: "But if we destroy the economy won't people hate gays even more?"

Good question, Dumbass. But one day of reduced shopping will not have a significant impact on the overall economy because we will just spend twice as much on the 9th and the 11th. The point is not to destroy the economy or put anyone out of business but simply to demonstrate that the LGBT community and its straight supporters make up a significant segment of the economy.

Finally, the Day without a Gay Website suggests you use your day off to volunteer in the community, which I think is an excellent idea. I would totally do that if I weren't so lazy.

Anyway, on to the recap! Last week Ariane made good turkey:

Ariane: "It was very annoying that everyone was questioning if I could do it."

Seriously, I don't know why there was any question. She had clearly demonstrated that she was a complete screw up. No question. But, as it turned out, she proved us all wrong.

Richard was sent packing. He wrote a very emotional twelve-page letter to Alex, from which I have excerpted the following passage:

Dear Alex, I am really going to miss being The Gay Guy on Top Chef this season. Whatever you do, don't think about your upcoming wedding. Seriously, just wipe it out of you mind. Don't let the fact that you are about to make the most important decision of your life cause you to make something stupid for the elimination challenge. Love, Richard.

For the quickfire challenge, the chefs will be making a breakfast amuse bouche. Padma introduces the guest judge:

Padma: "I don't need to tell you that this is Rocco DiSpirito, looking hotter than ever! That facelift is really holding up well, Rocco!"

Rocco: "Thanks, Padma! I'd just like to say that I love bacon."

Padma: "Well, everyone loves bacon."

Other Eric: "I hate bacon."

I'm sorry but that isn't possible. Everyone loves bacon. Padma just said so.

Other Eric: "No, I really hate it."

Liar

Most of the chefs create nice little dishes but most of them are a little bigger than bite-size. Leah is one of the few who creates a true amuse bouche:

Rocco: "That's the perfect bite!"

Leah: "Yeah, well, unlike some people, I decided to actually do the challenge."

Rocco: "Wow, what a bitch. I am so turned on right now."

Leah: "You can be my boyfriend. I'm really lonely."

Leah wins the quickfire! Congratulations, Leah!

For the elimination challenge, the chefs will have to create a dish in two and a half minutes.

Chefs: "What?!!!!!"

I said you will have to create a dish in two and a half minutes.

Chefs: "Oh, sorry, I thought you said two minutes. Two and a half minutes is no problem."

OK, so they actually have an hour to make the dish but they need to prepare a two and a half minute cooking segment demonstrating the dish, like you would do for a live television segment:

Carla: "Oh, my god. Live television is vicious. If you don't finish in time, they will cut you."

Kathey Lee: "Yeah, I will CUT you."

Will someone please get that psycho away from the knives?

Fabio is worried about his presentation because his English, she is not so good:

Fabio: "Obviously, my biggest concern is that everyone will just find me so adorable that they won't notice the food."

They are supposed to be creating dishes that the average viewer at home could and, presumably, would want to make. Some of the chefs make some bad choices, such as Eugene's decision to make sashimi, Melissa's decision to blow everyone's friggin' heads off with habanero peppers, and Alex's decision to make a dessert he won't actually be able to make.

So the chefs perform fake live television segments for Padma, Tom, Gail, and Rocco. A few chefs don't finish their dishes in time, a few finish but make bad dishes, and a few just don't make good television personalities.

Unsurprisingly, the judges love Fabio:

Tom: "I could listen to him talk all day. He's so dreamy."

He made something with tuna because that's what his momma likes, but really, nobody noticed what he was cooking:

Fabio: "See? That's what I'm saying. It's a challenge being this adorable."

Tell me about it. The judges also thought Ariane and Jeff did a good job. Ariane made a tomato, watermelon, and feta salad, which doesn't sound very exciting to me but made sense for this challenge, and Jeff made some shrimp dish rolled in something green, which I think was interesting without being too unrealistic.

Tom wakes up Fabio, Ariane, and Jeff at two in the morning to cook on the Today Show. Except that they won't actually be cooking on the Today Show. Just the dishes are on the show. Oh, right, I just realized why they couldn't appear on the show: this appearance must have been on television months ago and this way the dishes could appear anonymously. Duh. Sorry, I'm a little slow.

Psycho Kathy Lee spits out Jeff's food and then Ariane wins the challenge. Congratulations, Ariane! She wins Rocco's Favorite Things:

Rocco: "Caaaashmeeeere SWEATERS!"

She also wins a real appearance on the Today Show. I guess that would be an amazing opportunity if anyone actually watched the Today Show.

The bottom three are Melissa, Jamie, and that guy who is going home tonight.

Melissa: "I'm not saying that there is someone else who doesn't really want to be here, but I just want to point out that I do really want to be here."

Tom: "Who exactly are you not saying doesn't really want to be here?"

Melissa: "Well, I'm not saying that Alex doesn't really want to be here, that's for sure."

Padma: "Alex, I'm afraid you've been thrown under a bus. After receiving medical treatment, please get on the bus and go home."