Project Runway Season Eight Premiere: Infection!

Welcome to season eight! The challenge this week will be for a team of designers to enter the dreams of the viewers and plant the idea that the show is actually worth watching.

Tim Gunn: "You're talking about Infection! It can't be done!"

Oh, it can be done. I've done it before. Remember Shear Genius? Think about it. On second thought, don't think about it. Your brain will explode. Anyway, the point is Infection is possible. You just have to go deep enough into the viewers' subconscious so that they think their love of the show was their own idea and not some virus planted there by Harvey Weinstein. I'm not saying it will be easy. And I'll be honest, it will probably require heavy sedation and some people might not make it, but we are going to watch this season of Project Runway and we are going to enjoy it. Understand?

Good. OK, so I usually introduce the designers in a very superficial manner by describing their hair and eyewear, or lack thereof. But this season I've decided to break with tradition and provide really in-depth descriptions that will give you more insight into their personalities:

A.J. will tease you, he'll unease you, all the better just to please you.

Andy had no illusions that he'd ever see a glimpse of summer's heatwaves in your eyes. He did what he did to me. Now it's history, I see.

April would do anything for love. But she won't do that. Please make of note of it.

Casanova is a very special boy; the kind you don't take home to mother.

Christopher - do you really want to hurt him? Do you really want to make him cry? That's what I thought.

Gretchen dances on the sand. Just like that river snakes across a dusty land. And when she shines she really shows you all she can.

Ivy is so vain she probably thinks this description is about her.

Jason - wham, bam, he is a man. Job or no job, you can't tell him that he's not.

Kristin has lived a life that's full. She's traveled each and every highway. Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew, when she bit off more than she could chew. But she was all, "whatever."

McKell - how can she ever refuse? It feels like you win when you lose.

Michael C. wishes he could turn back time.

Michael D. doesn't know much, but he knows he loves you.

Mondo - bikinis, martinis, no weenies. Just a little queenie.

Nicholas is going to have fun tonight. And if we aren't very careful, he's also going to Wang Chung tonight.

Peach - if you see her walking down the street and she starts to cry each time you meet, just walk on by. I know it sounds cruel, but it's for her own good.

Sarah's milkshake is better than yours.

Valerie - No, nothing! No, she regrets nothing! Not the good things or the bad things. They are all the same to her.

Do you hear that?

Tim: "What?"

Is that Edith Piaf?

Tim: "I don't hear anything."

Never mind. It's probably not important.

Heidi tells us over and over again that the show hasn't actually started yet:

Heidi: "The designers are not on Project Runway yet."

But ... I can see them.

Heidi: "No, you are actually dreaming right now. They aren't really there."

Wow. They look so lifelike.

Let's start the show, er, I mean the non-show. We start with the designers meeting up at the train station, on a boat, and on a street corner:

Jason: "I'm straight. What nationality are you?"

That is a fascinatingly strange question to ask.

The designers suddenly end up at Lincoln Center. Do you remember how they got there? That's because you are dreaming this. The designers are asked to destroy their favorite clothing item:

Casanova: "But those are one thousand seventy dollar Dolce & Gabbana pants."

Don't worry. None of this is really happening.

Tim welcomes the designers to the Brother Sewing Room:

Tim: "The Brother Sewing Room is named after the Wachowski Brothers and has nothing to do with the fact that the room is filled with Brother sewing machines. That's just a coincidence."

Jason is having problems in the design room:

Jason: "My model has really big boobs. I wonder what nationality she is."

Cat Deeley: "Let's meet your ..."

Jidges! The jidges are Something-Award winner Michael Kors; fashion director Nina Garcia; and actress, fashionista, and my lover Selma Blair!

Selma Blair (aka Mrs. Eric Three Thousand): "Oh, my god, it is so great to be here! This place is nicer than an Olive Garden!"

OK, the runway was just a blur of mediocrity. Sarah's jumpsuit stood out for me as the best piece. But everyone knows I've never met a jumpsuit I didn't like. I also liked Kristin's and A.J.'s looks, but I didn't love them.

Heidi tells us that this challenge is all about the elimination so there is no top three. But, for some reason, they still pick a winner:

Cat Deeley: "Let's hear it for ... it's Gretchen!"

I don't hate Gretchen's dress, but it really doesn't stand out as the winner to me.

Seven designers are in the bottom and most of them deserve to be there. Casanova and Jason are clearly the worst. Jason's sack of a dress, much like his personality, is so disturbingly wrong that Selma Blair can't help liking how much she dislikes it. So he's safe. The same rationale seems to have saved Casanova: the judges hated his look so much, they can't wait to see more.

Anyway, McKell is undeservedly sent home. She is criticized for not making something more flattering to her model, whom she didn't meet until after the dress was made. They also hate her choice of styling and accessories, even though they really weren't that bad. Oh, well. Someone had to go home.

The dream is over and next week the show will actually begin. While the judging didn't start off well, I am looking forward to seeing the work of this group of designers. It appears the Infection mission was a success. The positive thought was successfully implanted in my subconscious and I feel I will enjoy this season. What a satisfying conclusion to this post.

Tim: "Oh, look at the cute little origami unicorn. Wait ... does that mean Harrison Ford is actually a replicant? OH MY GOD!"