Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Five: Restaurant Wars!

It's a big week here at Eric Three Thousand! After seventeen years writing this blog the stat counter is finally going to hit ... wait for it ... ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND! I know what you're thinking: "That's it?" Well, I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do! You expected me to wait until it reached a million? I don't have that long to live. Seventy or eighty more years, tops. And by the end I'll probably just be a brain hooked up to electrodes floating in a jar of saline solution and blogging will be a distant memory. So I'm going to celebrate whatever milestones I can.

So here goes: WOO HOO! OK, that's enough celebrating. I'm tired. But I would like to thank you, my readers, for making this possible. If each of you would just visit my blog a few thousand times a day, we might make it to a million. I also want to thank the good people at Blogging Project Runway for linking to my posts every week. This blog wouldn't exist without them.

Tim Gunn: "Don't forget to thank your sponsor, Garnier Fructise!"

Oh, please. Anyway, last week Kristin was out and Michael C. won. The rest of the designers were so upset by his win that they all committed suicide.

Michael C.: "I was hoping they would be happy for me. The fact that they all killed themselves hurts my feelings a little."

This week the designers are back from the dead. It's television. Don't expect realism. They will be working in two teams of six for our favorite challenge, Restaurant Wars! Each team will choose a theme and ingredient and then create a six course meal that is on trend for fall 2010.

First, they pick teammates. April wonders why anyone would pick Gretchen:

April: "Oh, my god. Who would want to be on a team with Hitler? Although he did have a good eye for graphic design. Still, totally not worth it."

OK, the comparison between Gretchen and Hitler is totally ridiculous and offensive. I'm going to go with it.

Here are the teams:

Team Hitler: Gretchen, Christopher, Andy, Michael C., Ivy, and A.J.

Team Total Losers Without a Chance in Hell: Peach, April, Mondo, Michael D., Valerie, and Casanova

You would think Team Hitler would be so ruthless and single-minded that they would have the obvious advantage. But you never know when someone on the team will do something stupid like bomb Pearl Harbor. So, anything could happen.

The themes they can choose from are:

Baby Got Back
Performance Art
Asian Fusion
Operation Iraqi Freedom
Menswear

The ingredients they can choose from are:

Zebra
Lace
Arsenic
Plaid
Geoduck
Dirt

Team Hitler picks Menswear and Dirt.

Team Total Losers picks Military and Lace.

Some Garnier guy tells the designers that this week the styling should be on trend, unlike most challenges, where the goal is to look dated.

On Team Total Losers, Valerie suggests that each person create his or her own dish and they will just try to coordinate them so they create a cohesive meal. Peach gets upset:

Peach: "That's not how a team works! We need some big bossy bitch to tell us exactly what to do!"

Well, Valerie has more important Diva's to deal with. After Tim tells Casanova that his dish is a little old and needs to be euthanized, Casanova has a total meltdown:

Casanova: "Everything I do is either for whores or old ladies. Or elderly whores. Sometimes for elderly flamenco dancers who work part time as whores. Oh, what's the difference. I'm fat."

Peach: "That's not true, Casanova. Once you made something for a young flamenco dancer. Sure, it was a flamenco dancing whore, but at least it was a young one. And don't forget all your work for drag queens. However, I have to agree you are looking fat."

Casanova: "I'm just going to sprawl here like Cleopatra. Someone fan me with a palm frond. Let me know when it's time to win the challenge."

Valerie: "Oh my god? We are all counting on him? And if one person doesn't do the work? Then we can't win? And then one of us will go home?"

Is she asking us or telling us?

Fortunately, Casanova's model just happens to be Suze Orman and she saves the day:

Suze Orman: "Girlfriend. let. me. tell. you. what. to. do. First, make sure you are getting the maximum matching contribution from your employer to your 401 account. Second, stop wasting money on your automobile lease. And finally, just go finish this stupid challenge, you big baby."

Casanova: "Oh, my god, she's right! I've been such an idiot! I shouldn't be leasing a car!"

The guest judge this week is James Beard Award winner Georgina Chapman.

Team Total Losers serves its meal first. It's pretty successful. There are a few really nice things and it's a pretty cohesive menu. The judges are especially impressed that Peach and Casanova didn't create complete nightmares.

Gretchen is convinced her team will win.

Team Hitler serves next and it is a complete disaster. Everything is bland, cold, and overcooked. Nina gets a piece of gristle stuck in her teeth:

Nina: "Inexcusable!"

Team Total Losers wins. Duh. Casanova is the individual winner. It was pretty obvious that was where the editing was leading. But I still couldn't quite believe it until it actually happened.

Gretchen: "I am a little surprised we didn't win."

No shit.

Team Hitler spokesman, Gretchen, makes her case:

Gretchen: "I was up all night writing lists. In my own blood. That's how dedicated I am. For my first list I just wrote over and over again that we all worked really, really hard. Next, I listed all the things that make this the best and most cohesive team effort ever; how we are so proud of everything and stand by every perfect detail; and how we all contributed equally to the effort so there is no way any of us could pick a weak link on the team."

um ... ok

Gretchen: "Then I will follow that with my list of everything that went wrong with the tragedy you see before you; all the ways we completely screwed up; and how ashamed we all are of the mess we created. After that, of course, I will start cannibalizing my teammates; encouraging everyone to turn on Michael C.; and then telling you everything I did, so that you will know I was basically carrying the whole team."

Michael Kors: "My god, she's a big bossy bitch. I am so turned on right now."

Yeah, so anyway, A.J. is out. Too bad.

Tim makes an unusual announcement:

Tim: "Team Hitler, what happened to you? You had this peace agreement and then you just let Gretchen go and invade Poland. I'm very disappointed."

Wow, Tim is being very critical today!

Tim: "And Casanova, that green sweater makes you look fat."