Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Seven: Taste takes a holiday!

My goodness, there was a lot of controversy last week! Well, you come here to my blog for the facts and that's what I'm going to give you. No embellishment or opinion here. No siree. Just pure, unadulterated information. This is the Fox News of Project Runway blogs. Fair and balanced. Absolute, unvarnished truth.

So what happened last week? Ivy says Michael C. was telling people at the showcase not to vote for her. But we don't have any witnesses who have come forward to support her claim. Does that mean she's lying?

Ivy: "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."

That's true, but ...

Ivy: "There are known knowns and unknown knowns. And then there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns. So just keep that in mind before you judge me."

OH, MY GOD! Ivy's interrogation techniques have worn me down! I admit it! I started the rumor! I told Ivy I heard Michael telling everyone not to vote for her.

Ivy: "First you give me food poisoning and now this?!"

I know! I have a problem! I can't help myself! I might as well just tell you all right now that I also stole Ed's pea puree and blamed it on Alex. I don't know why I do these things. It's probably the drugs. I'm always trying to get my next Lunesta fix. Do you have any idea what good pea puree is selling for on the black market? Well, don't try to find out. I don't want to drag anyone else into my life of crime.

Wow, I feel better now. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now we can put this whole ugly incident behind us and move on to the next ugly incident. Which brings us to this week's episode:

Ivy is losing it:

Ivy: "I just need to let everyone know that Korean women are completely crazy. You do not want to make us angry. My mother makes Kim Jong Il look like a Girl Scout. Once, when I was in seventh grade, I refused to do my homework and she blew up my bike. And when a schoolmate teased me once, my mom took him hostage until Al Gore negotiated his release. I'm serious! I am off my meds!"

OK, I don't think Ivy should pretend to be the spokesperson for all Korean women. However, I do believe she could use some counseling for her mother issues.

The designers meet Michael Kors at his yacht. He gives them some super-boring sunglasses and tells them that resort wear is meaningless since it includes anything from bathing suits to ball gowns to ski parkas. I'm just kidding. I get it. But when I was in design school I think it was called "cruise" and it was just an excuse to design summer clothes in the winter.

So we get shots of the designers on the boat and then the camera zooms out and we see that the boat is actually on the back of a trailer being pulled through the streets of Manhattan. Michael props his feet up on the railing and we can see that he is wearing brand new crocodile boots. So that's where he got the money! He drives the boat to Mood and drops the designers off to go shopping.

Just as they get back to the design room and start working, Tim comes in and asks them to gather 'round. The designers have a Pavlovian response to the Dreaded Black Velvet Bag. They will be in teams of two and they will have to make their teammate's design:

Tim: "This is exactly how it works in the real world. The top designers don't actually make their own designs. They get them made by reality show contestants who don't know how to make patterns and can't sew. Get used to it."

The teams are Valerie and Andy; Mondo and Michael C.; April and Christopher; Gretchen and Casanova; and Ivy and Michael D.

Mondo is not thrilled to be paired with Michael C. They have trouble communicating their ideas to each other because Mondo doesn't sketch and Michael C. doesn't do, well, basically, anything. But after Mondo explains how to use a ruler, Michael C. seems to do a pretty good job. Mondo apologizes for being a total bitch and then they are best friends.

Ivy castrates Michael D.:

Ivy: "How would you rate your ability to make pants, with one being as useless as Michael C. and ten being nowhere near as talented as I am?"

Michael D.: "Um ... two?"

Ivy: "That's what I thought. I'll design a skirt instead. No, that will be too complicated for you. Have you ever used a sewing machine? Actually, I don't trust you to sew a seam. Do you know what fabric is? F-A-B-R-I-C? Fabric? Ringing any bells? We'll just stick these two pieces of fabric on the model. Think you can handle that? Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself!"

Meanwhile, Valerie is pondering the meaning of life. She wonders why she can't win a challenge. She says she has sacrificed so many relationships to be there and going home is not an option. She also says something weird:

Valerie: "Things are going to die."

Is that a threat?

Valerie: "No, just a warning."

She makes the dreaded Phone Call of Doom. That always means the designer is going to be right in the middle of the pack. The editing makes that so obvious.

On to the runway. The guest judge this week is Kristen Bell. Don't ask.

We get another unimpressive runway show. Gretchen made a horrible beige snooze-fest and I can't believe she wasn't in the bottom three. The bottom three are Ivy, Mondo, and Casanova.

Ivy's was easily the worst thing we've seen all season. It was literally just two pieces of fabric loosely attached to a model. There was no design at all:

Michael D.: "I feel terrible. But I feel like it's a little bit her fault for not trusting me to do anything."

Ya think? It's entirely Ivy's fault! She didn't give him any design to make. The poor guy is completely brainwashed. Kristen Bell gives her professional opinion:

Kristen Bell: "Ivy, as a designer, it's really important that you are able to communicate your ideas to another person. I know this because I am somehow a fashion expert. Also, I heard Michael and Nina say something like that earlier."

Ivy: "But I had to keep simplifying my design to the point that there was no design at all because Michael D. doesn't have any skills."

Heidi: "Wow, she just threw him under the bus."

Michael Kors: "Yeah, she totally threw him under the bus."

Kristen Bell: "It sure sounded to me like she threw him under the bus."

Nina: "If one more person says that she threw him under the bus I'm going to lose my fucking mind."

Inexplicably, Ivy is safe. Mondo is also safe for his cute but cheap-looking juniors outfit.

Casanova is out because his look really wasn't resort wear. I don't see how it was worse than Ivy's, whose look couldn't even be classified as clothing. But Casanova lasted longer than anyone thought he would. He was fun. We'll miss him.

Andy, April, and Michael D. are the top three. Andy's bathing suit with a sarong was kind of a cliche, but it was a successful cliche. Michael D.'s dress was very pretty. It looked elegant and comfortable.

April wins. I'm happy for her but I don't completely get it. Obviously, Michael Kors encouraged her to make the granny panties, so he had to say he loved them. But they were still granny panties. They were so ill-fitting the model definitely could have been wearing Depends under there. Maybe that's what the judges were looking for in resort wear. I just don't understand how they complained about the little shorts she made for the hat challenge, which were a million times cuter, but love this unflattering mess.

Kristen Bell: "I would totally wear granny panties on the red carpet!"

Oh, please. Kristen Bell is crazier than Ivy's mother.