Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Eleven: The shit hits the Dyson Air Multiplier!

The Dyson Air Multiplier allows shit to hit it without that annoying buffeting caused by the blades of a regular fan. Metaphors for dramatic events will never be the same.

We start the episode with the usual shots of the designers waking up and talking about who went home:

Gretchen: "It is such a relief not to have Ivy and Valerie giggling and talking about themselves all the time. Now we can finally all concentrate on talking about what's really important: ME!"

Heidi tells the designers they have to switch models. Are there models on this show? I don't know what she's talking about.

Then Heidi shows us her awful line of clothes for New Balance:

Heidi: "This is active-wear that you wouldn't actual wear to be active in. You know those women who wear sweat-suits to the grocery store for no reason? That's my client."

I really don't get it. You can't work out in these clothes and you wouldn't want to be seen in public wearing these clothes. What are you supposed to do in these clothes?

Heidi: "I don't know what's so complicated about it. My client is the woman who doesn't want to exercise, but wants people to know that she was very influenced by the film 'Flashdance.'"

Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? So, anyway, Heidi goes into the design room and annoys the crap out of the designers:

Heidi: "Mondo, this size six top doesn't fit me and I can't get my head through the neck of this dress."

Mondo: "How is that my problem?"

Heidi: "There's no reason to be rude."

Mondo: "I'm not being rude. I'm just telling you that you are not really a size six and you have a gigantic head."

Heidi wants to know why Gretchen isn't using the fabric that was provided from her line:

Gretchen: "Just pretend this is the other fabric."

Heidi: "But I provided you with that fabric so I wouldn't have to pretend."

Gretchen: "Well, this fabric is better. So you can just look at it and see how superior it is and then just imagine it in your awful fabric."

Heidi: "But it's going to end up being made out of the other fabric anyway."

Gretchen: "FINE! USE YOUR PRECIOUS FABRIC! I'LL SET THIS FABRIC ON FIRE AND THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!"

Heidi: "Don't freak out. I'm just trying to help."

Gretchen: "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!"

OK, I have a question. Why the hell were they shopping for fabric at Mood if they weren't supposed to use it?

Then Heidi compliments Michael on his sewing skills and makes fun of Ivy:

Heidi: "Thank god we don't have to deal with that bitch any more, right?"

Uh, you spoke too soon. Ivy and five other eliminated designers come back to help with the two additional looks that have to be made.

Mondo is working with Valerie, Gretchen is working with Casanova, Christopher is working with Ivy, Michael C. is working with A.J., April is working with Peach, and Andy gets stuck with Michael D.

And now, what we've all been waiting for! Ivy accuses Michael C. of cheating:

Ivy: "So, Michael, how does it feel making it this far?"

Michael: "I'm still in shock."

Ivy: "Why? Because you are a big cheating cheater who cheats?"

Michael: "No."

Ivy: "OK, just asking."

Michael: "You're a [bleeping] [bleep]!"

Ivy: "I've never heard such language in all my life. Someone bring me my smelling salts."

Through the magic of editing, Ivy tells us she believes in karma and then her sewing machine attacks her and she almost loses an eye.

So, apparently it was brought to the produces attention the day after the Jackie challenge that everyone thought Michael's model was taped into her dress. There was circumstantial evidence, but the producers said it was too late to do anything about it.

This sounds like a job for Tim Gunn Lawman! Tim Gunn has never sought publicity for his work with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office. However, over the span of almost two decades, he has regularly gone out on patrol and worked major cases:

Tim: "We have taken this case very seriously and we have finally come to the conclusion that we just don't give a rat's ass. Get over it and move on with your lives."

SO THAT'S IT?! WEEKS OF DRAMATIC PREVIEWS LED UP TO THAT?!

Sir James Dyson: "That's the patented Air Multiplier technology in action. It's so smooth you barely notice it."

I WANT TO BE BUFFETED, YOU FREAK! YOUR FAN IS STUPID! PUT YOUR ENERGY INTO A SEWING MACHINE THAT DOESN'T POKE YOUR EYE OUT!

Sir James Dyson: "Would it change your mind if I told you my fan was obscenely overpriced?"

Well, it might.

Sir James Dyson: "You know what? Forget it. You probably can't afford it."

OH, MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE ONE!

Time for the runway. The guest judge this week is the noted track-suit designer Norma Kamali. First I have to say that, as weird as this challenge was, and as awful as Heidi's collection is, I actually thought this was one of the better runways this season. I feel like I understand Heidi's collection better after seeing the runway. I can understand wanting to throw on a simple comfy dress to go run errands. For some reason, I didn't get that at all from seeing her original line.

So, Mondo, April, and Andy were the top three.

I liked all three of April's looks. Her dress was really beautiful and her shorts outfit was cute. Unfortunately, neither of those looks had anything to do with this challenge. Only one of her looks fit into Heidi's collection. She's safe.

Mondo did a great job. He was headed toward disaster but changed direction and made three cute looks that fit into Heidi's collection while also being way better than Heidi's collection. The dress was especially cute and looked perfect for just throwing on as you run out the door.

While I would have chosen Mondo for the win, Andy also made three great looks for Heidi's collection:

Heidi: "Congratulations, Andy! I'll be stealing all three of your designs for my clothing line. I would totally split the profits with you if it weren't for the fact that this is just a tax write-off for me."

The bottom three were Michael, Christopher, and Gretchen.

Gretchen had a few interesting ideas, but ultimately nothing quite worked:

Gretchen: "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!"

Michael's color story was revolting but he actually had a couple of nice pieces. I loved the dress.

Christopher's pieces were exactly as boring as you would expect them to be:

Michael Kors: "They are cheap and tacky and nobody would pay more than ten dollars for any of them. In other words, I think they would be perfect for Heidi's collection!"

Seriously, I thought Christopher did the best job of capturing the awfulness of Heidi's clothing line. But he's out.

Finally, a very important message from Lifetime Television:

Don't let your boyfriend punch you in the face. That's not acceptable.