Project Runway Season Nine, Finale, Part One, The End of Time!

This episode brought to you by the new Ford TARDIS:

Tim Gunn: "It's bigger on the inside!"

That's right! Tim travels through space and time to make home visits to the designers and check on their progress. They had nine thousand dollars and five weeks to create ten looks. To me that seems extravagant after having to make two looks a day for one hundred dollars, but they still complain. There's just no pleasing some people.

First, Tim sets out for White Plains, Maryland, to visit Kimberly:

Tim: "That's interesting. I didn't know there were active volcanoes in Maryland."

I don't think you are in Maryland, Tim! I think you accidentally ended up in Pompeii in 79 AD!

Tim: "oh, crap"

Tim manages to escape and he resets his GPS for White Plains:

Kimberly: "Finally! I've been waiting for you for twelve years! Well, come on in."

Kimberly tells us she was influenced by the Brooklyn of her youth:

Kimberly: "Not the fancy Brooklyn of today, but way back before it became gentrified in May of 2006."

Tim: "Oh, yeah, I remember the day that happened."

Anyway, Tim offers to take Kimberly back to a pre-gentrified Brooklyn so she can experience it firsthand, she says there is no chance she's getting into that deathtrap of a time machine, and then they sit down for a meal of fish fingers and custard, which is much better than it sounds.

Then Tim visits Anya in Trinidad, where he is, of course, overdressed:

Tim: "Bow ties are cool."

Anya: "No, they aren't. You look like a dork."

Anya tells us about her inspiration:

Anya: "I was inspired by our beautiful sister island of Tobago."

Tim: "Why not Trinidad?"

Anya: "I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but if I'm being honest, Trinidad is a total shithole compared to Tobago."

Tim: "Yeah, it is. So tell me about the progress on your collection."

Anya: "I have all my fabric picked out, so I'm set!"

Tim: "Perfect. Once you get to New York there will be plenty of time to have the other designers construct your garments for you."

Finally, Tim visits New York in the 1990s, where he finds Viktor and Josh passed out on the floor of a bar:

Viktor: "It's Josh's fault!"

Tim: "I don't care whose fault it is! Get back to 2011 and finish your collections!"

The designers all get these blue envelopes with notes telling them to meet at the penthouse of the Hudson Hotel in the middle of the desert in Utah. They start putting together three looks to show to the judges because Heidi tells us that only three of them will be going to Fashion Week. We've been led on before, but this time she just flat out lies to us.

Tim makes his rounds. Viktor's jacket is everything, Kimberly is all over the place, Anya is a huge disappointment, and Josh just makes Tim want to weep. Time for the judging!

For some reason the designers are not given time to fit the clothes on the models, so they basically have to pick whatever fits. The benefit of the pre-judging sessions that we've gotten the past few seasons is that the designers have a chance to improve their collections and styling before the real finale. The downside is that the judges and the audience see what should be the best of the collections, which really takes away some of the excitement from the final runway shows.

Maybe instead of the pre-judging Tim could give them more complete critiques, or maybe that woman from Piperlime could stand by the accessory wall shouting "No shoes for you!" if she sees a designer tempted to match the color of a clog to her royal blue pant.

Anyway, Viktor showed three excellent looks and I'm back to thinking he should win. The fabric was great, the jacket was beautiful, the pants were nice. I didn't love the long train of fabric on the dress, but I kind of liked the idea of that jacket over it, just because it was a little unexpected. And I liked the zippered leather skirt, but I would have liked to have seen the zippers zipped to different lengths, which seemed to be the point of it.

Josh's first separates look was good. I liked his weird vintage fabric that made Tim want to commit suicide. I didn't like his little black dress. His third look was so awful I almost liked it. It was a dress in front and a body suit in back. It was certainly different, and I'm a big fan of different. Unfortunately, it was also really ugly. But he showed us enough to clearly be in the top with Viktor.

Kimberly was a mess. The best thing I can say is that the garments looked finished. The colors were garish, the matching shoes were horrendous, the black gown was fine but completely boring, and the first look was so unmemorable I can't even describe it. The only interesting thing was the pink bubble-butt skirt, and even that was ruined by the styling and by the fact that she actually said someone could wear it to the office!

Anya was also a mess. Her first dress was great; that perfect Anya combination of casual and sophisticated. The other two looks were complete disasters; a black swim suit and a dull-gold satin gown that looked like no effort had gone into it. Both Anya and Kimberly suffered from the fact that they weren't able to show the pieces they wanted to because of fitting issues, but even if these were the worst looks in their collections, it was still inexcusable.

So which was worse, Anya's or Kimberly's? Well, it doesn't matter because they are both going on to Fashion Week.

So, you know how this whole season has been a massive waste of time? Well, nothing compares to the waste of time that was this episode. We ended up in the exact same place we were when we started. We still have the same four designers going to Fashion Week. It's like we're stuck in time BUT WE'RE ALL STILL GETTING OLDER!

Tim: "Actually, time isn't stuck. Time is dying. All space and time is coexisting at once, which is why there is a pet pterodactyl at Mood and Winston Churchill is the surprise guest judge for the finale. But don't worry, I think I know how to jump-start time and save the universe."

Tune is next week to see if Tim managed to jump-start time and bring the season to an end, or if we have to keep watching the same four designers compete over and over again forever.