Project Runway Season Five, Episode Nine: You can call a challenge avant-garde but they're still the same old clothes: or This episode was like putting lipstick on a pig!

[Update: Eric Three Thousand has just received a cease-and-desist order from the McCain/Palin campaign, suing me for copyright infringement. Apparently Sarah Palin owns the rights to the word "lipstick" and I failed to pay the royalties for using "lipstick" in the title of this post. Oh, damn, I just did it again. Now I'm really going to be in trouble.]

Heidi: "Tim, I've been doing some soul searching recently and I've started to think that maybe I'm wearing really inappropriately short skirts. Am I crazy?"

Tim: "Yes."

Heidi: "Oh, thank you, Tim. You always know what to say to make me feel better."

So, last week Pleather created the design equivalent of punching Diane von Furstenberg in the face:

Diane: "Actually, I would have preferred that."

Anyway, Pleather was safe and Stella was sent home. We start this week's episode by preparing for the elimination:

Terri: "The producers and I have been working really hard to make sure I look like a total bitch this week."

Oh, it can't be that bad. What are you planning to do?

Terri: "Well, I'll start by saying how glad I am that Stella is gone."

Wow, what a bitch.

Pleather is telling us about his dreams:

Pleather: "Oh, it was so weird! I was at Parsons and you were there and you were there and . . ."

Oh, who gives a crap? We are introduced to this week's special guests:

Designers: "Awww! Look, it's all the eliminated designers. Aren't they adorable?"

The remaining designers will be teaming up with the eliminated designers to create avant-garde looks based on the zodiac murders:

Jerell: "I can pull something avant-garde out of my ass."

I'm honestly not looking forward to seeing that. Here are the teams and their Chinese calendar years:

Korto and Kelli are doing the year of the platypus. People born in the year of the platypus are strong-willed but quiet, like the color blue, and are the only mammals to lay eggs.

Kenley and Wesley are doing the year of chihuahua. People born in the year of the chihuahua are unbelievably annoying and delusional.

Joe and Daniel are doing the year of the bull. People born in the year of the bull like to drive expensive cars to make up for other inadequacies.

Leanne and Emily are doing the year of the panda. People born in the year of the panda enjoy long walks on the beach and good conversation over a bottle of California Cabernet.

Blayne and Stella are doing the year of the rabbit. People born in the year of the rabbit seem like they are from another planet. They are drawn to either black or florescent colors and they enjoy sniffing glue.

Terri and Keith are doing the year of the albino pygmy hedgehog. People born in the year of the albino pygmy hedgehog are either totally bitchy or mumble everything under their breath. They are also usually gay.

Jerell and Jennifer are doing the year of the dragon. Dragons are pretty quiet but wear really stupid hats.

Pleather and Jerri are doing the year of the albatross. People born in the year of the albatross are generally ridiculous. They are carbon-based life-forms but otherwise do not resemble other humans. They are either psychotic or they just want people to think they are. They like the color green.

In the design room Terri is not listening to Keith, probably because he isn't speaking loudly enough for her to hear him.

Kenley is annoyed that people find her annoying.

Tim doesn't understand what Blayne is saying:

Barbara Billingsley: "Excuse me Tim, but I speak Freak."

Tim tells Jerell that his look is a little school-marmish. Jerell agrees that it is bold. Tim moves on.

Tim says that Keith is nothing. Wow, that was a frank assessment:

Tim: "You didn't let me finish. I was going to say he is nothing if not innovative."

Oh. OK.

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Please remember to borrow precipitously from the Bluefly wall."

Blayne: "Tim is just making up words now."

The designers have to take their unfinished designs to the beautiful planetarium building at the American Museum of Natural History, where they will be paraded in front of some of the best designers from previous season. And also Robert from season one.

Since they are at a natural history museum, Kenley gives Heidi an anatomy lesson:

Kenley: "Women's breasts are supposed to be down near their belly buttons. Why is everyone so stupid?"

Back at Parsons, Keith is asleep in the lounge. Could he be pregnant?

On to the runway. These garments were so disappointing. There was very little that was avant-garde. I understand they didn't have a lot of time but most of the designers did not experiment with new shapes or techniques. That's almost always missing on this show, but I at least expect a little innovation in an "avant-garde" challenge.

The judges this week are Michael Kors, Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia, a ventriloquist named Franscisco Costa, and Senator John McCain:

Korto and Kelli made a blue dress with fabric hanging off the back. It was OK.

Kenley and Wesley made a dress that was actually kind of pretty. The skirt was beautiful and I appreciate that she at least tried to be dramatic with the puffy sleeves. Of course it wasn't something we hadn't seen before but, considering all the boring garments on the runway, I thought it was unfair to single her out for being unoriginal. The judges were correct that she ignored the inspiration part of the challenge and her argument that she doesn't pay any attention to other designers is pretty pathetic. I remember that argument from design school: "I pull all my designs out of a vacuum. I'm not influenced by anyone else because I stick my head in the sand and don't look at what anyone else is doing." Well, I'm sorry, but to be a designer, you have to pay attention to the world around you.

Joe and Daniel created a pretty cool dress. I really like the skirt; it looks like it is covered in little fabric bags and it has a beautiful rippling effect when it moves. It's not quite avant-garde but it's interesting.

Leanne and Emily create a look that is almost avant-garde. It wraps around the body in a very unusual way. It's a sculptural piece that is also flattering as a garment and you can see the astrological influence. This should have won.

Blayne and Stella created a . . . well, to call it a garment would be an exaggeration. Like several of Blayne's "looks," it manages to be ugly without being interesting.

Terri and Keith created a really boring garment. The simple gold sheath was kind of pretty but there was nothing even remotely avant-garde about it.

Jerell and Jennifer created a really pretty skirt and top. I really liked the look. I can't for the life of me figure out what was avant-garde about it or what it had to do with the inspiration but, for some reason, Jerell wins.

Pleather and Jerri created kind of a little 1960s pajama outfit. Not hideous but definitely more boring than Terri's. In Jerri's audition tape we see that he designs some very avant-garde architectural garments. He should have really been able to help Pleather create something interesting. But he didn't.

Two designers have to be out. Who will the second designer be? Oh, sorry, we all know that one of the eliminated designers will be Blayne, right? I don't think that was ever in question. But who will the second one be. I was sure it would be Pleather but the judges shock us and eliminate Terri:

Terri: "You didn't see that coming? I told you we were preparing you for it through the whole episode."

I know. I was still surprised.

So, what did the judges think of this episode?

Michael: "That was not avant-garde. Just telling us it's cutting edge doesn't change the fact that we've seen it before."

John McCain: "It's like I always say: you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still going to look like Hillary Clinton."

Michael: "Amen, sister!"

Heidi: "When I was growing up in Germany, we used to have so much fun putting lipstick on pigs. Only the girl pigs, obviously. The boy pigs got lederhosen."

Nina: "What the hell is wrong with you people?"

John McCain: "Well, I am outraged by that sexist remark, Nina! You would never have said 'you people' if my running mate were a man."

Nina: "I swear to god, John, if I have to break a heel kicking you in the ass, I am going to be really upset."

John McCain: "ok. jeez. talk about pit bulls."