Project Runway Season Ten. And We're back!

OK, I'm sorry but I just don't have time to fart around this season, so here's what's gonna happen: I'm going to make some hilarious comment like "I guess I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue" or maybe a timely reference to the "Charley bit my finger" video, then I'll tell you who won and lost this week's challenge, which you will already know anyway, and then we can all go home and get some sleep. Sound like a plan?

Oh, alright. Fine. Let's talk about what we saw. First the commercials, which are usually the best part of the show. So, you know when you're nude modeling and then the woman who is painting your portrait notices that you have toenail fungus? Yeah, it's really embarrassing. Fortunately, a company has developed a new product specifically for nude modeling toenail fungus. Problem solved!. But now we have an even bigger problem:

Lifetime Television: "Lindsay Lohan IS Elizabeth Taylor!"

OH, MY GOD, NO SHE ISN'T! Why would you even say that?

Lifetime Television: "Seriously. Please watch it."

ugh.

OK, on to the designers. You call these All Stars? I've never even seen these people before!

Gunnar: "You've seen me before, girlfriend. And I'm a huge star!"

Well, yeah, I guess I do remember Gunnar. But, seriously, this season of All Stars is even worse than last season."

Heidi: "This isn't All Stars, you dumb-ass. It's just the regular season. Now, watch this fascinating clip about my photo shoot posing with a bunch of scissors. It's from an eight-part documentary miniseries produced by Ken Burns for PBS. I think you'll learn a lot about how amazing it is to be me."

I smell an Emmy.

So, first we have the Road to the Runway, which was OK. Zanna Roberts Rassi tells us that there were moments of comedy during the audition process. I think they went something like this:

Daniel Franco: "AHHH, MY SPLEEN!!!"

That never gets old. Then Zanna does one of her famous five-second interviews:

Zanna: "Thank you so much for being here, Anya."

Anya: "It's my pleasure."

Zanna: "Well, we've enjoyed catching up. Good luck with your career."

That was fun. So, in between the segments where we meet the new designers and the segments where they show their racks of clothes to the judges, we also get these really annoying segments with Nick and Mondo bickering and telling us how great all these designer are:

Nick: "[So and So's] work immediately made me think that this is what you would get if [this one famous designer you've never heard of] and [this other famous designer you've never heard of] had a baby. That's how good it was!"

Wow, Nick, that was so insightful.

Anyway, back to meeting the designers. So, yeah, we have Gunnar. And then we also have his arch enemy/best friend/who gives a crap Christofur (I spelled it that way because he really likes fur. Isn't that clever?) These two are going to get into some serious catfights:

Gunnar: "meow"

Christofur: "meow"

[photo credit: jhartenfeld]

By the way, I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but there are some really cute pictures of cats on the Internet.

And speaking of cats, we have Andrea, a genuine radical feminazi and reluctant cat lady. Love her!

We also have Dmitri, who is from Belarus and looks very familiar, for some reason. Does that count as being an All Star?

Heidi: "Will you shut up already about the All Stars?"

Fine. Lantie likes to stick a lot of crap on her dresses. I'm already not a fan.

Ven is from a country you've never heard of. Don't even bother asking what country it is. You haven't heard of it. What? He's from Guyana? Oh, never mind. We've heard of that. Apparently the other designers are completely intimidated by his talent. They don't actually appear to be intimidated by his talent, but that's how you can tell they are.

Sonjia can make clothes out of an old couch. So that's pretty cool, right?

Elena makes really great clothes. But I'm not convinced they aren't just copies of costumes from video games or cartoons. I don't play video games, but I have seen Aeon Flux.

Beatrice lives in Los Angeles. Judging from the footage they are showing us, she apparently lives on a boat. She is also the first person to ever work her way through college.

Kooan is from Japan. He's a puzzle. There is a fine line between crazy-fun and ugly-for-the-sake-of attention-seeking. I'm willing to give him a chance, though.

Buffi tells us the exciting news that we can, in fact, mix prints! So, yay!

Fabio has lots of hats and empty picture frames and he's a freegan, which is a real thing.

Alicia makes clothes for lesbians, so I'm pretty much in love with her.

Melissa lives in a flat because apartments are just not Gothic enough for her.

Nathan's relationship with his father was saved by Project Runway. Well, if just one designer's relationship with his father has been saved, then watching this show for ten years has all been worth it.

Raul. I don't know what to say about Raul.

So, they are celebrating the ten year anniversary of Project Runway. For this challenge, the designers were told to send in a look they made at home. Then they have one day and $100 to make a second look that relates to the first look. The runway show is in front of a huge crowd in Times Square, which is pretty exciting.

Heidi: "I have to say I was very impressed ..."

Because it's in your contract.

Heidi: "Because it's in my ... hey, stop that!"

Sorry, I think I make you tell that joke every season.

Patricia Field and Lauren Graham are the guest judges. Christofur wins and Beatrice is out. And that's it.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the clothes. Well, some of the garments the designers sent in were pretty good, but pretty much everything actually made during the challenge was garbage:

Fabio: "Mmmmmm, garbage."