Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Nine: All About Me!

Margo Channing: "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!"

That's right, Margo! I've managed to make this episode of Project Runway all about me. Just like every episode. The challenge this week is to create a design based on your cultural heritage, something most of us don't have! So, my challenge this week is to find a cultural heritage. Time to hit Ancestry.com:

OK, Ancestry.com, tell me what my cultural heritage is. Ooh, there's a little leaf telling me I have a clue! ... well, no cultural heritage yet. Let's go back a few more generations ... nope, still no cultural heritage.

Matthew Broderick: "But you have an ancestor who fought in the Civil War, just like me! That's amazing!"

Almost everyone has ancestors who fought in the Civil War, you dumbass. Anyway, that doesn't help. Let's go back a few more generations ... um, OK, maybe a few more ... we're going to hit some cultural heritage at some point, right?

Got it! My fifteenth great grandfather was from Wales! That makes me one thirty-two-thousandth Welsh! Jealous?

Ah, yes, I remember my fifteenth great grandfather always used to say to me, "Mae hi'n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn." I thought he was senile, but now I know he was just Welsh.

Right, OK, now I have to design a garment based on my Welsh ancestry ... uh ... you know what? Screw it, I'm just going to ignore the challenge and do whatever I want.

Designers: "That's what we're doing, too!"

Yeah, I don't blame you. That part of the challenge is ridiculous. The main part of the challenge (and apparently the only part of the challenge) is the textile design. That's right, the textile design challenge! Of all the Project Runway challenges, this is definitely one of them. As always, I will point out that the designers are not actually designing a textile; they are creating a design that will be printed onto a textile.

Tim: "And to help with this challenge, you will all be getting the new iPhone 5!"

Designers: "OH, MY GOD!! REALLY?!!!"

Tim: "No, of course not!"

Designers: "You suck."

Time for the surprise guests. The designers' mothers walk into the work room, bringing the designers their Ancestry.com dossiers, telling most of them that they have no cultural heritage.

So, there are a few MILFs in the work room, but I have to say Fabio's mom is probably the hottest:

Fabio's mom

Yeah, she's fit!

Fabio: "Gross! That's my mom you're talking about!"

Time for the runway, with guest judges Mondo and Anya:

Sonjia made a really nice print pant, based on her cultural heritage of being American:

Mondo: "I love it! She should win!"

She should. Instead, Dmitry wins with a really cool black jacket with cut-outs over a nice print top. It was  an interesting idea, because the jacket required a print top to accentuate the movement, but that doesn't change the fact that you can barely see the print and, as Mondo reminded us, this is a print challenge.

Elena made a cute dress in a really weird print. I would ask her what it has to do with Ukrainian culture, but I'm too scared.

Christofur made a truly horrible dress. It's one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that.

Ven also made a truly horrible dress. It's also one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that, either.

As bad as Ven's dress is, it was actually worse before Tim told him to change it. In an unusual move, Heidi asks to have Tim brought to her:

Heidi: "Bring me Tim Gunn!"

Tim is dragged into the studio:

Tim: "This better be important. You interrupted my pilates class."

Heidi: "We just want you to tell us how much Ven sucks."

Tim: "Oh. Pretty hard."

Heidi: "Thank you."

The judges do nothing with this information.

Fabio made a print vest over a black jumpsuit. The garment is fine, but the boring print fabric is muted with black crepe so it's barely noticeable.

Melissa made a nice red dress in honor of the 2008 Polish Olympic team:

Gunnar made a white print jacket over a short black skirt. It's better than Christofur's dress, but it's still pretty bad. The print has images of birds and hands, to celebrate his cultural heritage of being bullied:

Gunnar: "When you say it out loud, it doesn't make much sense, does it?"

No, it doesn't. So, Gunnar is out. I think the judges and the other designers were a little unfair to him this season:

Gunnar: "Yes, well, that's my cultural heritage. it's like I always say, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

What does that have to do with anything?

Gunnar: "I DON'T KNOW!!!"