Friday, May 16, 2008

Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Ten: insert tossed salad joke here!

Last week Nikki was asked to pack her knives and go.

We start this week's episode as usual, with the groggy chefs wandering around the house. Stephanie makes the requisite comment about it being too bad that Nikki had to go but, honestly, she doesn't sound that broken up about it. We learn that Dale goes commando under that white chef's coat. Seriously, not even a t-shirt under there? Gross.

Nine out of Ten Top Chef contestants agree: Dale is a little bitch.

Andrew is either going to stab somebody or he's going to make some amazing food. I am so excited to find out which one it will be!

For the quickfire challenge, Padma introduces the guest judge:

Padma: "I'm sure you all remember That Guy."

That Guy: "I'm not That Guy!"

Yeah, you are.

Antonia: "That Guy is really hot!"

That Guy: "I don't want to be That Guy!"

Too bad. Saying you aren't That Guy doesn't change the fact that you're totally That Guy."

Anyway, That Guy tells us how we need to bring the sexy back to salad.

Justine Timberlake: "Fo shizzle!"

Padma: "Salads have fallen on hard times. I'm sure you've noticed that Caesar with alcohol on its breath at 9:00 in the morning or that Waldorf standing in front of Denny's begging for spare change. Well, you have 45 minutes to change all that."

Chefs: "We have 45 minutes to make a salad? Are you serious? Are you sure you don't mean 45 seconds?"

Padma: "No, really; you have 45 minutes. Have fun with it!"

Chefs: "Why are you being so nice to us? We're scared!"

After the chefs get over their shock, they get to work:

Spike: "I'm going to make a salad so good that the entire world will give me a blow job."

Richard: "The word 'salad' is so interesting, I'm going to write a very witty poem about it."

Lisa: "There are people who don't deserve to be here because their personality sucks."

Wow, Lisa's being a little hard on herself. She's not that bad.

Lisa: "I'm not talking about myself, shit-for-brains! My personality is fine!"

Of course it is. My mistake.

That Guy hates the salads made by Richard, Stephanie, and Lisa:

Lisa: "Can you believe that asshole?"

That Guy loves the salads made by Spike, Dale, and Antonia:

Antonia: "Oh, My God! Did you see the way he ate my salad? He's so cute! Do you think he likes me? Does my hair look OK?"

Spike wins! Congratulations on not winning immunity, Spike! Instead of immunity, he wins the opportunity to pick ingredients that nobody else can use:

Spike: "OK, I'm using protein, carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables, and dairy so you can't use those things. Oh, and I'm using salt so don't even think about using salt."

Actually, he has to be more specific than that so he picks chicken, bread, lettuce, and tomatoes. Those seem like perfectly normal things to pick but he's still defensive:

Spike: "I didn't use those ingredients just to mess with everyone else. It's always been my dream to make something using bread."

The chefs have to make a healthy boxed lunch for police officers because, obviously, they usually just eat donuts.

Lisa is making shrimp. Andrew reminds her that shrimp is really high in cholesterol so Lisa is a little worried even though shrimp isn't unhealthy. Shrimp is higher in cholesterol than chicken but lower than many other foods and may actually help lower cholesterol levels. Ted Allen apologized last season for perpetuating the myth about lobster, which is only high in cholesterol when it is soaking in butter. Anyway, shrimp is perfectly healthy if cooked the right way so I hope the judges don't give her a hard time about it.

Tiffani Faison sneaks into the kitchen and sabotages Lisa's rice by turning the burner up to high.

Tiffani: "Bwahahahahaha!"

The chefs pack up their lunches and take them to the police academy:

Steve Guttenberg: "The new police recruits. Call them slobs. Call them jerks. Call them gross. - Just don't call them when you're in trouble."

The police beat the crap out of Steve Guttenberg. Finally!

Richard: "The question of the day is: do you like donuts?"

Stephanie and Dale are the top two. Dale's bison was good and Stephanie's soup was substantial. Dale wins a bottle of wine and the chance to see where his bottle of wine was raised. Congratulations, Dale!

Spike, Lisa, and Andrew are the bottom three. Spike made an OK chicken salad but Tom didn't like the taste of olives with grapes and all the judges didn't like that the lettuce and tomato were just sitting there in the box (as opposed to singing and dancing like a Burger King commercial). Lisa's rice was undercooked. Andrew made a miniature sushi roll but without rice or anything else that would be good.

Andrew argues with the judges about whether the meal had to be satisfying in addition to being healthy:

Andrew: "Did it say that in the rules?"

Padma: "Yes, actually, it did."

Spike learns that Tom's opinion matters.

Lisa's sparkling personality is showing again:

Lisa: "Look, Padma, you brought me here so why don't you just tell me why I'm here instead of making me guess. Stop wasting my time."

Padma: "Before we begin deliberations, are there any other accusations anyone would like to make?"

Lisa: "Well, I don't want to be That Guy, but someone didn't use a grain."

Sam: "Oh, my God! You're totally That Guy!"

That's right, Lisa takes the title of That Guy from Sam.

Well, we know that Andrew didn't make amazing food so that only means one thing:

Andrew stabs Lisa.


Cliff O'Neill said...

Love you. Love your blog.

This was so freakin' funny! I had totally forgotten about "that guy."

Now I'm going to go back to my moaning and gnashing of teeth over my dearly departed sexypants.

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

I just read your recap as a preview, because I haven't seen the show yet. Bravo was not on the cable offerings in the small Florida town I was in.

Will be back after I can slog through 3 more TC repeats and see the last show. !

Nanc Twop said...

Loved Tiffani sabotaging Lisa's rice! - LOL - *thanks for smoking out the culprit - now we can all rest easy in our kitchens...

my Top Chef posts

Ms. Place said...

So my reward for being a loyal viewer is that I get to see that snitch Lisa complain about someone sabotaging her rice AND throw Andrew under the bus without being tossed out on her rear.

Is it too much to ask Bravo to cut off her on air comments so I don't have to listen to her whining, complaining, and moaning?

Anonymous said...

i read this out loud to my partner each week, and this week i could barely get through it for laughing.

brilliantly done. peacester

a-nony-mouse said...

>>Tiffani Faison sneaks into the kitchen and sabotages Lisa's rice by turning the burner up to high.<<

AH-ha! Tricksy!

Anonymous said...

Fanfreakingtastic Eric. Hilarious!

Eric said...

I particularly loved hearing about the Salad's True Hollywood Story!

Anonymous said...

You are amazingly funny! You are fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!