Recent Photo of Judge William Stoughton

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM SALEM TOWN, MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY, 1692

Dear friends and family, I would like to wish you a good Christmas. Please indulge my preference for using the word “good.” Merriment can sometimes imply partying or tipsiness and wishing people a drunken Christmas is considered just a tiny bit incredibly blasphemous here in 17^th-century New England. I almost went with “happy” but that means good luck or good fortune and I was afraid I might be jailed for the promotion of gambling. You can’t be too careful these days. Well, what a year. Witch hunts, am I right? They seem to be getting out of control.

I heard that the witch hunt started earlier this year when some young girls were caught dancing around in the woods. I think we can all agree that this was dangerous behavior. It is well understood in the alchemical community that dancing around is a gateway body movement that can lead to ballet or even worse. But come on, people! This is 1692! We should be able to find a way to appropriately punish people for dancing without completely destroying the colony in the process!

Now it seems like wherever I go someone points at me and screams that they can see the devil whispering in my ear and I’m like, What? That’s terrifying! I don’t see anything! I’m starting to think they are just making it up. And why are people always asking me to name all the other witches? So, just because I’m a witch and another person is a witch, we must know each other? That’s offensive. Also, I did not put any spells on your livestock. If your cows are hovering a few inches off the ground or your chickens are composing poetry, it has nothing to do with me. I understand it’s annoying. Some chicken poetry is, frankly, not very good.

This summer we entered into a new phase of the witch hunts. A new royal governor, William Phips, was appointed by the co-rulers of England, King William and Queen Mary. Phips arrived from England in July and met with Lt. Governor William Stoughton, a colonial land developer and reality star turned judge and politician. Stoughton became famous as the owner of the Miss Colonies competition and a series of trials called “The Apprent-Witch,” in which he would end every trial with his favorite catchphrase “You’re guilty!”

I became aware of the transcript for the meeting between Stoughton and Phips. I believe the transcript demonstrates undue pressure on the newly appointed representative of the English crown to announce phony investigations in order to further Stoughton’s own personal interest in prosecuting witches at the expense of the common good. I decided to become a whistleblower, despite the Puritan sumptuary laws that list whistles as unnecessary luxury items, along with lace and buttons.

MEMORANDUM OF A PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL CONVERSATION BETWEEN SIR WILLIAM STOUGHTON AND NEWLY APPOINTED GOVERNOR WILLIAM PHIPS

William Stoughton: Wow, can you believe this witch hunt?

Governor Phips: Your witch hunt has been very impressive.

Stoughton: IT’S THE SINGLE GREATEST WITCH HUNT IN AMERICAN HISTORY!

Governor Phips: Yes, it’s awesome.

Stoughton: By the way, congratulations on England’s Glorious Revolution of 1689. We all watched from the colonies and you did a terrific job. The way they came from behind, and then William and Mary ended up winning the monarchy easily. It’s a fantastic achievement.

Governor Phips: You are absolutely right. William and Mary did win big. I’m able to tell you the following: the first time we overthrew King Charles you wrote to congratulate me and then when we overthrew King James you are now congratulating me again. I think we should overthrow more kings so you can keep congratulating me and we can talk more often.

Stoughton: [laughter] That’s a very good idea. I think England is very happy about that.

Governor Phips: Well, yes, to tell you the truth, we are trying to work hard because we wanted to drain the swamp in England. We brought in new monarchs. Not the old monarchs, not the typical monarchs, where we only had one at a time. No, now we have two co-ruling monarchs at the same time, because we want to have a new format and a new type of government. And the Massachusetts Bay Colony is very important to the crown.

Stoughton: Well, it’s very nice of you to say that. I will say that we do a lot for England. We spend a lot of effort and a lot of time hunting witches. Much more than the other colonies. Virginia does almost nothing as far as witches. When I was speaking to the governor of Virginia, he talks about witches, but he doesn’t do anything. A lot of the colonies are the same way but the Massachusetts Bay Colony has been very good for England as far as hunting witches. I wouldn’t say that it’s reciprocal necessarily because things are happening that are not good but the Massachusetts Bay Colony has been very very good to England.

Governor Phips: Yes, you are absolutely right. Not only 100%, but actually 1000%. And I am ready to continue to cooperate with you on the next steps in the prosecution of the witches. That is why I commissioned a Special Court of Oyer and Terminer to handle the large number of accused witches. But, here’s the thing: you are a wealthy real estate developer in the colony and I just arrived from England as the newly appointed royal governor, so I really need your strong support or I won’t be able to stand up to our adversaries. And I’m really relying on defense spending for Maine, which has been invaded by the French.

Stoughton: I would like you to do us a favor, though.

Governor Phips: Does it have to do with witches?

Stoughton: Absolutely. I would like you to find out what happened with a ship called The Crowdstrike. They say there is a secret chest full of letters and the chest was sent on The Crowdstrike to England. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. It has to do with the Clintons, as most things do. I am of course referring to Lawrence and Rachel (née Haffield) Clinton. Rachel Clinton was accused of witchcraft in March in the neighboring town of Ipswich. Clinton holds no public office, but I am still completely obsessed with her and want to lock her up. It is vitally important that Clinton’s missing letters be found. I would like to have Rev. Cotton Mather talk to you and I would like you to get to the bottom of it. Cotton Mather is a highly respected minister from Boston who literally wrote the book on witchcraft. He is the major figure pushing the theory that the devil can only take your form with your permission. Mather very much knows what’s happening with the witches and he is a very capable guy. If you could speak to him that would be great. The accused witch--the woman--was bad news and the other witches she was dealing with in Salem were bad news so I just want to let you know that.

Governor Phips: In regards to the witch named Clinton, it was great that you were the first one who told me that she was bad because I agree with you 100%.

Stoughton: Well, she’s going to go through some things. I will have Cotton Mather contact you and we will get to the bottom of it. I’m sure you will figure it out. The other thing: there’s a lot of talk about Cotton Mather’s father, Rev. Increase Mather. The father has been publishing a lot of FAKE NEWS about how spectral evidence should not be used to convict witches. A lot of people want to find out about that so whatever you can do would be great. The father is going around bragging that he can stop the witch prosecutions and that would be bad for me, so if you could announce an investigation into him, it would really help me out.

Governor Phips: Okay. Maybe we can meet again in Boston hopefully. We can either take my ship or we can take your ship, which is probably much better than mine.

Stoughton: Sure, we can work that out. I look forward to seeing you maybe in Boston and I will have Cotton Mather contact you.

Governor Phips: Thank you very much. Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

Christmas 2018

Eric testified Thursday in front of the Senate Correspondence Committee about accusations of forgery leveled against him by the late Peggy Schuyler, sister-in-law to the famed politician and rap sensation Alexander Hamilton. The following is the transcript of Eric’s opening statement, as prepared by The New York Times:

Mr. Chairman, readers of my holiday letters, and members of the Senate Correspondence Committee, thank you for allowing me to make my statement. I wrote it all by myself yesterday afternoon and evening. Nobody helped me. Nobody has seen it, other than Amy and Julie and Laura and Karen and Susie and Maura and Megan and Nicki. The list goes on. Yes, I was drunk when I wrote it. I like beer.

 

Last year, after I sent a holiday letter purportedly written by Peggy Schuyler in 1773, I was publicly accused of forging the letter. I denied the allegation immediately, categorically, and unequivocally. Most of the people who read the letter said they don’t recall that it was a holiday letter. In fact, many said under penalty of felony that they do not even know me! And that includes Amy and Julie and Laura and Karen and Susie and Maura and Megan and Nicki. The list goes on. Think about that fact.

 

The day after the allegation appeared, I told this committee that I wanted to write another holiday letter as soon as possible to clear my name. I demanded that Christmas be held again the very next day! Unfortunately, it took an ENTIRE YEAR before we could have another Christmas. In that very long year, as was predictable and as I predicted, my name has been totally and permanently destroyed by vicious and false additional accusations. The year-long delay has been harmful to me, to holiday letters in general, and to the country.

 

I have been accused not just of forgery, but also of plagiarism! It’s been suggested that my holiday letters are nothing more than stolen movie scripts, song lyrics, or transcripts from Senate hearings that have only minor changes. These reckless accusations have ruined my reputation. I will now never have the opportunity to pilot a Boeing 747 or coach women’s basketball, two things I might have enjoyed. Now I’ll never know. It’s so unfair. Interestingly, nobody ever mentions all the authors who I haven’t plagiarized. And there are many of them! To my knowledge, I have never stolen the work of Tennessee Williams. OK, that was a shorter list than I thought it would be, but I’ve made my point.

 

Since I wrote my last holiday letter, there’s been a frenzy to come up with something--anything--to block me from writing another one. One recipient said he would “oppose me with everything he’s got.” Another reader said, “Eric’s holiday letter is your worst nightmare and will threaten the lives of millions of Americans for decades to come.” That’s probably an exaggeration. And then, as no doubt was expected, if not planned, came a long series of false last-minute smears designed to drive me out of the letter-writing process. This whole effort has been revenge on behalf of the Clintons, who have never forgiven me for that time I attended a fundraiser and stole a decorative soap from their powder room. This is a circus! Yes, I drank beer with my friends. Almost everyone did. Sometimes I had too many beers. I liked beer. I still like beer. But I did not drink beer to the point of blacking out and forging letters. If every American who drinks beer and writes letters that are supposed to be by someone else is suddenly presumed guilty of forgery, we’ll be in an ugly new place in this country.  

I am an optimistic guy. I always try to be on the sunrise side of the mountain. But today, I have to say that I fear for the future of holiday letters. Allegations of forgery must always be taken seriously. At the same time, the person who is the subject of the allegations also deserves to be heard. Due process is the foundation of holiday letters. I’m not questioning that Ms. Schuyler may have had a letter forged by some person in some place at some time. But I have never forged a letter by her or anyone. That’s not who I am; it is not who I was. I intend no ill will to Peggy Schuyler or the Schuyler sisters.

 

First, Peggy Schuyler’s allegation stems from a forgery that is alleged to have occurred in December of 2017, when I was only fifty years old. Just a child, really. Second, Peggy Schuyler and I did not travel in the same social circles. It’s possible we met at some point at some event, although I do not recall that. In fact, it is very unlikely that we ever met at all, because she died in 1801. To repeat, the very person whose letter I am accused of forging has not confirmed any of this because she is dead. These allegations are uncorroborated. Further, nobody mentioned in the letter has come forward to support the accusation. This includes Alexander Hamilton and King George III, who are both also dead. Coincidence?

 

Third, I have submitted to this committee detailed calendars recording my activities in December 2017. Let me explain to you the very special way I use calendars. Sometimes I write something down in a calendar to remind me to do that thing on a specific date in the future. But--here’s the exciting part--I can also look at a date from the past and see if I wrote down something for that date. If I did, it could offer a clue about something I did on that day. I know. I’m a genius, right? So, the forgery described by Ms. Schuyler presumably happened on a weekend because that is when I do my forgeries. Well, if it did happen on a weekend, my calendars show that I was too busy to have forged any letters. Especially such a high-quality and hilarious letter as the one I am being accused of writing. My calendar shows that I was busy almost every weekend night in December. I spent one weekend night at a small holiday gathering at Becky’s house with Matt, Denise, Lori, and Jenny. Their names are all listed on my calendar, which is not weird at all. All we did at that gathering was sit around and talk and drink a few hundred beers and forge letters. So let me emphasize this point: if the forgery described by Ms. Schuyler happened in December of 2017 on a weekend night, my calendar shows all but definitively I could not have done it.

 

The committee also has a letter that I forged from 65 writers who knew me last year. They said I always plagiarized them with dignity and respect. One of those writers, Gertrude Stein, sent me a text last night that read, “Deep breaths, you’re a good man, a good man.” A text I received yesterday from Jane Austen read: “Eric, be strong. Pulling for you to my core.” Or read the op-ed Eleanor Roosevelt wrote about me in 1936: “Eric was an advocate for young women like me. He encouraged me to take on more responsibility and to feel confident in my role. Eric gave me the opportunity to help with the preparation and review of the president’s remarks, something I never would have had the chance to do if he had not included me.” Wow. Powerful words from Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

As I said in my opening statement the last time I was with you: Cherish your friends, look out for your friends, lift up your friends, love your friends. And that includes Amy and Julie and Laura and Karen and Susie and Maura and Megan and Nicki. The list goes on. I wish all my friends and family a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Eric playing the theremin

Making Eric’s Holiday Letters Great Again! 2016

Let’s be real, folks. Eric’s Holiday Letters have been a complete disaster. Sad. Pathetic. But I’m here to tell you I’m going to make them great again! They are going to be amazing! Huge! And I’m the best person to do this because I have the best words. Also, I have the best holiday spirit. And if you disagree, I will take you to court and you will be sorry. Believe me. Let me tell you my plan:

But first, let me just answer the most common question I get about these holiday letters. A lot of people ask me – and these are tremendous people, by the way – they ask, “Eric, how can you even type these letters with your tiny, tiny hands?” Well, let me just assure you that my hands are a perfectly normal size. I can reach all the keys on the keyboard, if you know what I mean. So don’t worry about that.

Now on to my plan to make these letters great again. And can I just say how amazing you all are? You are the best people in the world. And I’m not afraid to say it. Unlike those other people. You know who I’m talking about. The ones who ask, “Why would anyone read this? It’s not even a real letter. Eric is just writing it to get attention. He has no idea what he’s doing. In fact, he’s dangerously incompetent. We’re terrified.” Don’t listen to those people. They’re losers.

You know, many people are saying that the Dutch are receiving all our best holiday letters now. Many people are saying that. We are getting killed on this, folks. The Dutch are killing us. Kill. Ing. Us. And what do we get in return? Cheese. Really good cheese. But that’s not the point. The point is I’m bringing these letters back.

Specifics? You want specifics? I’ll give you specifics. I’ll be so specific your head will spin. The first thing I’m going to do is order stamps. That’s right. I’m just going to do it right away. That’s how I get things done. By just doing them. And you know what? I don’t just order stamps; I order extra stamps. More than I actually need. But here’s the best part: I don’t throw away those extra stamps. No, I use them to mail bills the rest of the year. It’s so simple. See, this is what holiday letters need: someone who isn’t afraid to shake things up. I’m not being braggadocious. I’m just telling you I’m the best.

So, if I send out these holiday letters – and I really hope I do, but if I don’t it isn’t my fault – I’m going to have my stamps ready on day one. Envelopes? No, that’s the old way of doing things. I’m eliminating envelopes and replacing them with something amazing. I’ll be releasing the details soon. I’m going to keep you in suspense. But believe me, you’ll love it. You’ll wonder why nobody did it before.

OK, remember when I said I didn’t need envelopes? Well, I never said that. Obviously, I need envelopes. Whoever said I don’t need envelopes is not very smart. Well, don’t worry. I’m going to fix this mess someone got us into. I’m getting envelopes. I know. It’s an amazing idea. You’re welcome.

Wait, so this is actually happening? I’m really sending out these holiday letters? Are you sure it’s not a mistake? I know I talked about it, but I didn’t really think it would happen. OK, I can do this. I know more about sending letters than the Postmaster General. Believe me. Yes, of course I have return-address labels! I have the best return address labels in the world! (Note to self: look into this return-address-label issue.)

So, let me just tell you with all sincerity – and I can produce a statement from my personal physician attesting to the fact that I am the most sincere person who has ever lived – that I am wishing you all the happiest of holidays! Many people are saying this is the greatest holiday letter they have ever read!