The Fashion Show Season Two, Finale: Well, that was mildly disappointing.

Can we just pretend that didn't happen? Can we all just agree that the season really ended last week with that really great fashion show from Dominique and Calvin? It was such a high note on which to end.

No? We actually have to acknowledge that anticlimactic finale? Alright, fine.

So, Iman tells the designers they have one week and a few thousand dollars, give or take, to create a nine-piece final collection. Then she sends them off to work.

After a few days, Iman and Isaac travel around to check on the designers' progress:

Iman: "Isaac, what kind of car is this? This is the biggest, ugliest limo I have ever seen!"

Isaac: "This is a public bus. Some people don't have drivers so they use these to get around the city."

Iman: "Poor people are so clever."

OK, so they didn't really do home visits. Instead, they give the designers one last twist at the end of the week: they have to create a tenth look. Each designer is asked to do something specific with his or her tenth look, apparently based on what the judges think has been lacking in their work.

Dominique is asked to make a business look, Calvin is asked to make pants, and Jeffrey is asked to make another boring dress:

Iman: "Yes, but a boring STRAPLESS dress. I have a specific event I need it for. AND I NEED IT RIGHT AWAY!"

The three designers are then paired up with their former lovers, who were previously eliminated from the show:

Jeffrey: "OH, MY GOD, CINDY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

Get a room, you two!

On to the boring runway shows. I was really expecting so much more after last week. But we got mostly standard "wearable" clothes.

Calvin's collection wasn't bad. I don't know what else to say about it.

Dominique's was the best of the three, in my opinion. But it still wasn't as interesting as I was hoping for from her. Her show production was good. She had a few good looks and only two big mistakes. Her weird final look could have been fine, if it had had anything to do with the rest of the collection. But it just looked out of place. Her other mistake was her businesswoman look. What business is that woman supposed to be in? Did she invent Post-it notes?

Jeffrey put me to sleep, as usual. At the beginning of the season, I thought he would be a little more experimental. He talked about making unisex clothing, but I don't think he knows what unisex means. Wearing women's clothes doesn't make them unisex. His tenth look is dull, dull, dull. The judges love it. He wins. Congratulations, Jeffrey.

Anyway, I was rooting for Dominique throughout the competition and I still think she had the best final collection, but all three collections were pretty disappointing, so I don't really care who won.

Isaac: "Tune in next season, which is scheduled to air sometime between really soon and never!"

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Nine: Elements of an overused challenge!

Ricky Gervais: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. I'd like to introduce Isaac Mizrahi. Mel Gibson just told me Isaac is Jewish. He's obsessed!"

Isaac: "Thank you, Ricky. That joke was was as shocking and new as Michael Kors' Spring collection."

Ricky: "And now please welcome America's sweetheart: Iman! Iman just told me that she hates poor people because they smell bad."

Iman: "That's actually true. I totally said that."

This week is the completely uninspiring challenge of being inspired by the elements. They will be using earth, water, and air as inspiration:

Fire: "What am I, chopped liver?"

Sorry. Fire is so last season.

Fire: "You do not want to mess with me!"

The designers go out on a boat. They have to catch as many fish as possible to use in the challenge:

Calvin: "Yes! This challenge is going to be a hot Calvin Tran-y mess!"

It sure is! The designers are split into teams of two, creating collections of six looks. The fashion-house concept is back and it finally works. Two people is apparently a small enough team to cooperate and make a cohesive collection. And six looks are just barely enough to qualify as a small collection. So, yeah, I thought we got two good collections this week. But that doesn't mean the concept worked for the entire show. In fact, the two fashion houses are completely meaningless, since the designers kept moving around. I think Dominique is the only one to stay in the same house throughout the competition.

Anyway, as usual, nothing interesting happens and then suddenly there is a runway show.

Cesar and Jeffrey make a collection of pretty blue flowing dresses based on water, which is totally obvious and boring:

Cesar: "But they are pretty."

YES, THEY ARE PRETTY! SO PRETTY I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL!

Seriously, Cesar's draped dress is beautiful and probably the best thing he's done all season, but the collection on the whole is so boring I just don't care.

Jeffrey also made some nice boring dresses and topped it off with a ridiculous giant vintage tiara that looked so out of place it was hilarious:

Nina Garcia: "The model looked like Miss Guatemala."

Yeah, I totally get why he picked it. I'm sure ever since he was a little girl he's dreamed of being in the Miss America pageant and getting to parade around in the sash and tiara. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, and he just didn't consider what it would look like on the runway.

Calvin and Dominique put on the best show of the season. I thought it was dramatic and mesmerizing. It evoked nature and earthiness instead of giving us the predictable literal translation of water. I loved the collection more than the individual pieces, which I think is fine. It was an avant-garde show that provoked an emotional response. It felt modern and exciting, even if all the clothes weren't wearable.

A few pieces could definitely be translated into ready-to-wear. The judges really liked Calvin's camel coat and Dominique's shorts look with a voluminous white top. And it was impressive how those two looks complemented each other so perfectly, while clearly being the work of the individual designers.

The looks the judges didn't like were Dominique's droopy, shapeless white dress covered by a droopy, shapeless white caftan. It definitely looked under-designed, although I thought it worked alright with the feel of the show. They also didn't like Calvin's "pregnancy" look. The skirt was nice and the top was certainly strange and dramatic and worked with the collection, but the judges found it contrived. I can't disagree with them on that, although I still thought it was interesting. It's a look that would need to be toned WAY down for ready-to-wear and I didn't like the silhouette as much as I liked Dominique's hunchback dress last week, but I didn't hate it:

Isaac: "I didn't hate it, either. I didn't like it enough to hate it."

huh?

Isaac: "You know when you like something so much you hate it?"

not really

Isaac: "Well, it's kind of like when you hate something so much you like it. But the opposite."

Oh. Now I know what you mean.

So, in a shocking turn of events, the judges give the win to the interesting collection, instead of the pretty collection that would look good on Iman!

Eric and Eric: "Yay!"

Iman: "Calvin and Dominique, I would not be caught dead in any of your clothes. And yet, you are going to the finals. Congratulations! Here, have a car."

Then, as if that weren't enough, there is an exciting bonus challenge! Jeffrey and Cesar compete in a sew-off to see which one can fix his worst look. Cesar manages to make his look slightly better but Jeffrey actually manages to make his mess look really good. Jeffrey wins!

So Cesar joins Eduardo as another early favorite who will not make it to the final. Calvin, Dominique, and Jeffrey are the final three.

Tune is next week when this all mercifully ends!

The Fashion Show Season Two Episode Eight: Accessories to the crime!

The designers meet Iman at some cool vintage fashion shop, where Simon Doonan passes out quirky accessories that will inspire looks for this week's collections:

Simon Doonan: "Without eccentricity, fashion is just clothing."

Iman: "And without clothing, eccentricity is just nakedness."

Wow. That is so deep. You are totally blowing my mind.

We return to the completely pointless fashion-house premise, with Cesar and Jeffrey making a four-look "collection" for House of Emerald, and Dominique, Calvin, and Eduardo creating a six-look collection for House of Nami. I'm sorry, but four looks just really doesn't make a collection:

Isaac: "It does if you make them all one color!"

Oh, right. I forgot. If dresses are all the same color, then they magically become a collection.

Isaac: "Well, you know the old saying: if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it's probably Penelope Cruz!"

That is not ... oh, forget it.

Not much drama this week. Calvin was so awful during the last challenge that the producers had to give him the requisite "humanizing" treatment this week. But I don't think anything could humanize him:

Calvin: "My partner is dying."

Shit. They did it. How am I supposed to call him a big old bitch after he tells us that?

Calvin: "Also, I plan to give every cent of my hypothetical winnings to charity."

That would be very generous if he had any chance of winning, which he doesn't.

First up is House of Nami. I think they messed up with the styling. If they had styled the models in a more consistent way, it could have made the collection look a little more cohesive.

Dominique was the only designer who met the challenge this week. She created two eccentric designs inspired by the accessories she was given. So, obviously, she's up for elimination. She made a pig coat, which was cute, but not nearly as fascinating as she found it. She really loves saying "pig coat":

Dominique: "Pig coat! I'm in love with my pig coat! Have you ever heard such beautiful words? Say it loud and there's music playing! Say it soft and it's almost like praying."

Yeah, great. Anyway, her other look was pure genius. I loved the idea of attaching the bustle at the shoulder. She really was inspired by her accessory to create an eccentric, avant-garde silhouette. The geisha makeup was a mistake.

None of the other designers did anything interesting with their accessories. They just made pretty but fairly ordinary dresses and stuck their accessories on them.

Eduardo had a big hat and a silver belt and he stuck them on a couple of decent black outfits. Calvin had gloves and a ruff, which he could have done something really interesting with, but didn't.

Eduardo is out. I'm surprised but I don't mind. I was as sick of his ruffled dresses as the judges were. Calvin is safe. Isn't it fortunate the producers humanized him just in time for that decision?

House of Emerald wins the challenge because they used the same fabric for all four dresses. Yawn.

Cesar made two nice ivory dresses. The only eccentric thing was an exaggerated shoulder. His bird headpiece and flower pin were used as they were originally intended and didn't seem to inspire anything. He wanted to use some color, but both Isaac and Jeffrey talked him out of it.

Jeffrey's accessories were cool merry-go-round earrings and a Dior feather capelet. I hated the dress with the capelet because it was so bland it almost disappeared. He wanted to create looks that blended into the background so that the accessories would be featured. But that really wasn't the point of the challenge. His dress for the earrings was better; in fact, it was beautiful. But it was no more eccentric than the other one. Jeffrey wins, which I don't mind too much because he should have won last week instead of Dominique.

Iman: "Eduardo, it must be so hard to be eliminated this close to the finale. I don't really know what it's like to be a loser, but I would imagine it sucks. Oh, and Dominique, if you say 'pig coat' one more time, I'm going to punch you in the nuts."

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Seven: Bridal Fail!

Really? You're still reading this? Does that mean you are still watching the show? So, you're the one! Well, good for you! Some people might call you stubborn, but not me. I say you're courageous and principled. You aren't going to stop watching a show just because it's boring. You are a true hero and the world could use more people like you!

This week the fashion-house structure falls apart, as I predicted it would. You really can't build an entire show around an element that will only last a few episodes. This week the designers are split into three teams of two to design wedding outfits.

Let's meet the people getting married:

Dominique and Jeffrey will be working with Bill and his three lovely brides, Trudy, Camilla, and Ruth.

Cesar and Eduardo will be working with 87-year-old Joshua and his lovely 12-year-old bride Samantha. Joshua bought Samantha from her parents for 18 cows, which is a pretty good price!

Lastly, Calvin and Cindy will be working with James, who is marrying his lovely pet goat, Louise.

Cindy: "Oh, thank goodness! At first I thought it was a male goat, and that would have been weird."

Actually, Cindy does have a problem with her clients:

Cindy: "Polygamy and arranged marriages with children are such traditional forms of marriage. But I have to admit I'm a little old fashioned and it will take me a while to get used to the idea of creating a wedding dress for a goat."

Don't worry, Cindy! I'm just joking! Those aren't the real clients! Dominique and Jeffrey are really working with a female couple, Cesar and Eduardo and also working with a female couple, and Calvin and Cindy are working with a male couple:

Cindy: "Two boys? Who want to get married? That's just silly! Am I being Punk'd? Where's Alan Funt?"

Yes, Cindy, sometimes two men can fall in love. They are called homosexuals:

Cindy: "Really? This is the first I've heard of it. Well, if it makes them happy, I guess it's fine with me."

As strange as Cindy's reaction is, Calvin's treatment of his clients is even weirder:

Calvin: "You're fat. Fat people can only wear black. I don't know anything about traditional Korean clothes!"

Client: "That's why I'm trying to explain to you what traditional Korean clothes look like."

Calvin: "I can't hear what you are saying because you are too fat. If you want me to make you clothes, I will make you clothes. But don't try to tell me what to do."

Client: "I DON'T want you to make me clothes!"

Calvin: "Why would you come into my shop demanding a Calvin Tran original if you don't want me to make your clothes?!"

Client: "When I agreed to this, I had no idea I would be working with a total psychopath!"

Calvin: "Well, too bad, fatty!"

Cindy: "Calvin, I think you are being a little rude. Just because our clients are totally disgusting and obese doesn't mean you can yell at them."

Oh, my god. If this challenge is to work successfully with a client, there is no way Calvin can't be eliminated, right?

Cindy: "Maybe if I create the worst garment anyone has ever seen, the judges will have an excuse to keep Calvin."

I really doubt you could make anything that bad.

There are basically two story lines going on in the design room this week, neither one entertaining in any way. The first is Dominique's ridiculous pining for David:

Dominique: "This wedding challenge was created specifically to torment me!"

The second is Calvin's verbal abuse of his client, which is really painful to watch. I know the producers want drama and controversy, but turning someone's wedding into an unpleasant experience is inexcusable.

The runway show was actually quite good. The guest judges were Rachel Zoe and Johnny Weir, both of whom are fun to see, though the guest judges never have much to do on this show.

The two lesbian couples looked great! Dominique and Jeffrey create really simple and flattering linen looks for a casual beach ceremony:

Isaac: "My only complaint is that you could find these looks in any lesbian bridal shop."

Well, whatever. The looks are perfect for this challenge and Dominique wins. Congratulations, Dominique!

Cesar and Eduardo created two fun looks that made their clients very happy. They could have been a little more wedding-y, but at least they were flattering.

Calvin and Cindy were a disaster. Calvin created his version of a Japanese kimono that had nothing to do with the Korean robe his client wanted. Surely nothing can be worse than Calvin's relationship to his client.

Unfortunately, Cindy really pulled out all the stops. She actually managed to create the worst garment I've ever seen. In fairness, she couldn't have done it without Calvin's "help." I think it looked better before he came to the "rescue" and reconstructed the entire jacket at the last minute. They should have just left it unbuttoned. Anyway, I think the judges had a legitimate excuse to get rid of Cindy. Calvin will have another week to advertise his business to women who hate themselves.

Iman is almost in tears as she hugs Cindy goodbye and tells her how talented she is. No one is more surprised than Isaac:

Isaac: "My Queen, you appear to be displaying human emotions and it's, frankly, a little frightening. I think you should return to the Mother Ship and spend some time in your regeneration pod."

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Five or Six or Whatever.

Eric Three Thousand, reporting from Burbank, where it has been raining steadily for forty days and forty nights. The San Fernando Valley has completely filled up with water and my house is currently floating down Cahuenga Boulevard toward Universal Studios. Fortunately, I was able to gather two of every Project Runway bobblehead doll and special edition Barbie so they will be able to procreate and carry on the species.

So, I'm sorry I didn't write a recap last week, but I have a really good excuse: I just didn't feel like it. All you need to know is that it was a boring-ass episode with a bunch of ugly-ass dresses. The models were from some show called The Real Housewives, or something like that. It must be new, because I've never heard of it. Has anyone seen this show? It sounds awful. Golnessa was sent home.

The recap this week will be very short because Other Eric erased the episode before I had a chance to take notes and I'm also finding it hard to type because my house keeps bobbing up and down in the water and it's really starting to pick up speed.

Anyway, this week the designers went to a train station in New Jersey because there are no train stations in Manhattan. They rummage through all the junk in the lost-and-found room, where they find umbrellas, bed sheets, and Rachel Zoe's entire spring line for the Home Shopping Network.

David and Cesar switch teams:

David: "I just want to be clear that 'switching teams' in this context refers to me moving to the House of Emerald. I still love vaginas."

They have one day to turn this trash into even worse trash. Instead of Isaac, Laura Brown does the consultations, in a failed attempt to shake things up:

Laura Brown: "Never use orange, because orange doesn't look good on me, and all clothes should be designed to look good on me."

Cesar: "racist."

In the design room, David is getting jealous because Dominique is flirting shamelessly with all the other gay guys:

David: "I thought our painfully dysfunctional relationship was exclusive."

Meanwhile, Calvin is doing his best to keep the show entertaining, while Cesar is just becoming more pompous every week.

House of Nami shows a decent mostly-black collection. It's not great, but it doesn't suck. The concept of the "weekend getaway" TO Manhattan from the suburbs is a little weird. Not that it doesn't happen; it's just not a great concept for a collection.

House of Emerald did a safari theme for a getaway to the Hamptons, which was a better concept but resulted in a horrible collection. Cindy made an awful white dress that was cinched in at the knee, making it impossible for the model to walk. She wanted to make a dress that would make a woman look helpless and immobile while she stands at a bar:

Iman: "BUT HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE BAR?! MOST WOMEN ARE NOT CARRIED AROUND IN A SEDAN CHAIR, LIKE I AM!"

Apparently the judges really hated everything, even though it really wasn't any worse than any other week:

Iman: "THE DESIGNS THIS WEEK ARE A DISGRACE! THEY MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. BUT THEN I THOUGHT, NO, THAT IS RIDICULOUS! I CAN'T KILL MYSELF! IT WOULD BE UNFAIR TO DENY THE WORLD THE GLORY OF IMAN. NO, THE ONLY SENSIBLE THING WOULD BE TO KILL ALL OF YOU! WELL, THE LAWYERS SAY I CAN'T DO THAT. SO HERE WE ARE, WITH ALL OF YOU STILL ALIVE TO ASSAULT MY SENSES."

Reluctantly, Iman announces that House of Nami is the winning team, which isn't surprising, since it was clearly the winning team:

Iman: "I WASN'T GOING TO PICK A WINNER AT ALL, BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME I HAD TO. THAT'S RIGHT, SOMEONE TOLD IMAN WHAT TO DO! THAT PERSON HAD A LITTLE 'ACCIDENT' AND IS RECOVERING IN THE HOSPITAL."

Dominique is the winner of the challenge and picks immunity over the $500, which is sensible. She chooses Calvin as the weak link on the team. Cesar says he doesn't want him on his team, either. David is out.

Calvin: "Dominique stabbed me in the back. Cesar threw me under the bus. Isaac wrote me out of his will. Daniel Franco punched me in the nuts. And my mother just called to tell me I'm a disappointment. I guess the only thing I can do is laugh like a mental patient."

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Four: Hot Tub Time Machine Two: Hotter and Tubbier!

I Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Anyway, last week Eduardo won and Tamara went home. Golnessa gets all Churchillian:

Golnessa: "Never was I criticized so much by so many for so few!"

The designers get another letter from Iman:

Iman: "IMAN GETS HER STATIONERY IN BULK! MEET ME AT THE GIANT STEEL VAGINA!"

Isn't that the name of her perfume? Now that she said that, all I can see is a giant steel vagina:

David: "Actually, it's a very complex work by Santiago Calatrava that explores the formal properties of folded spherical planes. Frankly, your childish obsession with vaginas is pathetic."

Well, I am suitably chastened. The challenge this week is to create a fashion-forward look based on a specific year from the past half century. This should be a fun challenge. And yet, it isn't. I think the "fashion forward" part is the problem. They could have simply created looks for today based on historical looks and been done with it. Fashion forward is not the same as futuristic. But some of the designers start thinking that they have to guess what people will be wearing a thousand years in the future and then everything goes to hell:

Eduardo: "In 3000 AD everyone -- men and women, children and adults, dogs and cats, and of course genetically altered dog-cats -- will wear cocktail dresses 24 hours a day, all year long."

Obviously. Everyone can see that's where we're headed. The question is whether our cocktail dresses will be made of metallic fabric or bio-engineered fur. Maybe metallic faux-fur?

Eduardo: "No. That would be tacky."

Oh, and by the way, Iman loves plaid:

Iman: "I LOVE PLAID! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT!"

Sure. Whatever.

The designers open their little time capsules. Cindy finds a blond wig, Jeffrey finds a piece of the Berlin wall, and David finds a crack vial:

Nina Garcia: "That is not my time capsule. I borrowed it from a friend and I thought that was gum."

Isaac makes his rounds in the design room and tells everyone to make entirely gray collections:

Isaac: "It's not a collection unless it's all one color!"

He also gives the hilarious instruction to be "careful-ish."

Isaac: "Be cautiously outrageous!"

For the entertainment portion of tonight's program, the producers provide the designers with unlimited supplies of alcohol but no way to open the bottles. That is exactly why, back in my day, we carried Swiss army knives in our sewing boxes.

Back in the design room, Cesar is being super bossy and the flirting between David and Dominique is getting a little out of control:

Rusty: "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her!"

Clark Griswold: "He's not gonna pork her, Rusty."

Rusty: "I think he is, Dad!"

Clark Griswold: "Well, he may pork her. Just eat, okay?"

The fashion show begins. It's really disappointing. Everything is gray and plaid, like Isaac and Iman wanted. There isn't much that's fashion forward in these looks. Most of them refer to historical looks but not the right years. We start with Nami:

Dominique made a big baggy shirt over pants, with custom plaid fabric. It's a little too big and sloppy, but it's pretty good and definitely the most interesting look on the runway this week.

David made a Michael Jackson jumpsuit from the eighties inspired by his grandmother, which confuses Iman, for some reason. It was actually looking pretty good in the workroom and then he screwed it up by turning the shoulder-pads into lapels:

Anja Rubik: "No woman wants to look like she has giant maxi pads on her chest."

No shit, whoever you are.

Eduardo made another dumb cocktail dress. It's pretty. Whatever.

Rolando made a completely boring outfit that had nothing to do with his year, 1969.

Calvin made something I can't quite describe. He made a nice skirt that looked like an evening gown but paired it with a hideous top that couldn't be worn for any occasion.

Then it's time for House of Emerald:

Cesar made a look inspired by "cocooning," which was definitely a term used a lot after 9/11. He made capri pants and a top with a huge collapsable collar that can cover the model's head. It's pretty good. He also made a second look so that the team would have a more complete collection. This is a valid concern and one of the reasons I questioned whether the "collection" aspect of the competition would work once designers started being eliminated.

Jeffrey made a dress with kind of a scarf covering half of it. It's pretty but I don't know what it has to do with the eighties and it's really not fashion forward.

Cindy made a cool dress with a coat. Supposedly it was inspired by Jackie O? I like it, but, again, it's not fashion forward.

Golnessa made a pretty 1950's inspired dress with a full skirt. The judges praise it even though it looks like a costume. Nothing fashion-forward about it.

Emerald finally wins a challenge and Jeffrey is the individual winner.

David and Rolando are the bottom two from House of Nami:

Iman: "DAVID, TELL IMAN WHY YOU SHOULD STAY!"

Dominique: "He should stay because we are in love and I don't want to die alone in a house full of cats!"

David: "Yeah. What she said."

Iman: "DAVID, YOU NEED A WOMAN TO FIGHT YOUR BATTLES FOR YOU. I LIKE THAT! YOU CAN STAY."

Rolando is out:

Iman: "ROLANDO, THIS OUTFIT MADE ME SICK. I REMEMBER 1969. I WAS EIGHTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD AND IN MY SEXUAL PRIME. I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CAUGHT DEAD IN THIS DOWDY, SHAPELESS MESS. YOU ARE OUT OF FASHION."

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Three: I'm a Sexy Dracula! (obscure Community reference)

We start the episode with the new teams getting to know each other. Calvin is now on team Nami:

Calvin: "I hate fighting."

But you are always arguing and yelling at everyone.

Calvin: "Oh, is that what fighting means? In that case, I love fighting."

Cesar is now on team Emerald:

Cesar: "People often mistake me for Mother Teresa because of all my charity work in India, but the reality is that I'm a selfish, bossy bitch. Just thought I should get out in front of that story."

Cesar then explains to team Emerald what their problem had been when Calvin was on the team:

Cesar: "Calvin was your crutch. So now that your crutch is gone, you should be able to completely collapse into a pile on the floor."

Well, I didn't say he explained it well.

The designers meet Iman in Brooklyn:

Iman: "Seductive. Alluring. Mysterious. Dangerous. Gorgeous. Powerful. Brilliant. But enough about me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll explain the challenge. The designers have to create nightlife looks inspired by the iconic image of the femme fatale. Some examples would be Mata Hari, Barbara Stanwyck, and Jessica Rabbit.

David: "You know what I love best about the femme fatale?"

Her vagina?

David: "That's right!"

Team Emerald has a consultation with Isaac:

Isaac: "You already bought the fabric, right? So, it's too late to do anything about that. Fortunately, it isn't too late to make you feel bad about your choices. So let's go with that."

Emerald is going for a 1940s vampire look, with red jersey and black lace. Because that's totally what a 1940s vampire would wear. They are also using blue and green, just to pump up the awfulness.

Team Nami is also going for a 1940s vampire look, with black and purple satin.

Mata Hari: "What am I, chopped liver?"

Cesar can't resist helping his old team:

Cesar: "Look at them over there. They're as helpless as Indian orphans. I have to do something."

He finally gives in and tells Rolando how to shape his skirt. Just like Mother Teresa would have done.

Eduardo gets an extra hour to work on his dress, because he won last week.

On to the fashion show, with guest judge Dita Von Teese. By the way, this was a one-day challenge. And, boy, do the results show it.

First up is House of Emerald:

Tamara made a red pleather jacket over red leggings. I don't love the matchy-ness of the red leggings, but it's not bad. It's sexy and the jacket has a slight 1940s feel to it. But the judges don't think it's right for a femme fatale.
Cindy made a nice dress of red jersey covered in black lace. It's not very exciting, but it's still one of the better looks of the challenge, which is sad.
Golnessa made a awful green dress with a round lace inset in the back that reminds me of the scene in Death Becomes Her when Meryl Streep blows a hole right through Goldie Hawn's torso with a shotgun. Fun movie. Bad look.
Jeffrey made a blue two-piece evening gown with weird cutouts in the top. It just doesn't work. Dita says it looks like something Dracula would wear to the gym, which is pretty funny. Unfortunately, it is both her first and last interesting comment.
Cesar made a blue evening gown with a ridiculous red and blue cape.

Next up is House of Nami. Their show uses old film-reel clips and is pretty cool.

Dominique made a cute short black dress with a jacket.
David made a not very flattering purple satin dress with a black cape.
Eduardo made a beautiful black dress. Calvin has a point when he says it looks like the other two dresses Eduardo has made. But it's still pretty and it's perfect for this challenge.
Rolando made a black dress with a cool inverted ruffle skirt. It's not an original idea, but it's certainly more interesting than most of the dresses we're seeing. Unfortunately, it doesn't make much sense for this challenge.
Calvin made another ridiculous long evening gown.

This was supposed to be a nightlife challenge. To me, that indicates something you could wear to a nightclub. I think every designer who made an evening gown for this challenge should have been immediately eliminated.

Anyway, House of Nami wins again. Eduardo wins the challenge and gets immunity for the next challenge. If he wins a third time, he will become immortal, like Iman.

Isaac: "I know I'm just a superstar fashion designer and huge celebrity so you probably don't care about my opinion, but here's what I think you should do, Eduardo: go crazy next week and don't make us the same damn dress again. Just a thought."

House of Emerald loses again, despite not having Calvin on the team:

Isaac: "House of Emerald, your dresses were not all the same color, so they didn't look like a collection."

Right. Anyway, there is still a way to stick Calvin on the losing team. Eduardo has to choose a member of the winning team to be on the bottom, for no particular reason. Obviously, he picks Calvin because he has to pick someone so why the hell wouldn't he pick Calvin. Last in, first out:

Isaac: "Oh, I'm so disappointed in you, Eduardo, for doing exactly what anyone else would have done in your place."

Whatever. So Calvin joins the others for possible elimination, although he's obviously safe. The real bottom two are Golnessa and Tamara:

Iman: "Tamara, I cringed when I saw your look on the runway. SHOW THE FOOTAGE OF IMAN CRINGING WHEN SHE SAW TAMARA'S LOOK ON THE RUNWAY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE FOOTAGE OF THAT?! A CAMERA SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON IMAN AT ALL TIMES!!!!"

Iman thinks Golnessa's dress looks like something her nine-year-old daughter would make:

Iman: "Iman's nine-year-old daughter has terrible taste! How dare you show this to Iman! Iman doesn't have patience anymore for this ugly dress. SHOW THE FOOTAGE OF IMAN LOSING PATIENCE WITH THIS UGLY DRESS! WHAT?!!! YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!!"

Tamara is out. That sucks:

Laura Brown: "Tamara, remember last week when we told you to ignore your team and just go with your own vision? Well, this week we're punishing you for ignoring your team and going with your own vision."

Calvin is crying because the only person in the world who actually likes him is being sent home. Iman is confused:

Iman: "Why are you crying, Calvin? Is it because you are sad? Iman has heard that humans sometimes cry when they are sad. Iman finds this fascinating."

Calvin: "Can I go instead of Tamara?"

Iman: "Really? Are you really saying you want to leave the show?"

Calvin: "Well, actually, I didn't think you would take the request seriously."

Isaac: "I think you should stay. I think it's what Tamara would have wanted."

Tamara: "No, it isn't."

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Two: I think I'm gonna barf!

OK, I don't know if I can make it through this episode.

Isaac: "What? It's just blood and veins and flayed human corpses. What's the big deal?"

ooooh . . .

Isaac: "Are you alright?"

I think I need to lie down . . .

Seriously, I have an aversion to anything having to do with the human circulatory system. Even typing the V word makes me have a panic attack.

David: "You mean Vaginas?"

No, I don't mean Vaginas, dummy. I mean Veins. OH MY GOD, stop making me type that word! I'm going to pass out!

David: "I'm glad you didn't mean vaginas. Because I really like vaginas."

Dominique: "He is so cute! AND he likes vaginas!"

Well, he sounds like a frickin' dream come true. You should marry him immediately.

We start the episode with Mike completely psyching himself out:

Mike: "There are no snow leopards in Africa! How can I work with people who don't know that?! If the judges are just going to reward mistakes like that, I don't think I can continue."

He's absolutely right. Snow leopards are not native to Africa. Here's the thing, though: nobody gives a shit where snow leopards live. More from Mike:

Mike: "I am so creative! No challenge could possibly be too much for me to handle."

We sure are hearing a lot from Mike. That means one of two things: either he's going to get food poisoning, or he's going to get caught cheating."

Mike: "Those are my only options?"

Well, I suppose you could just quit.

The designers get a note from Iman:

Dear designers,

It's been a day since you had the honor of having me shout at you. Do you miss me? Of course you do.
Best regards,
Iman

The designers meet Iman at one of those awful Bodies exhibitions. Iman explains that they will be creating collections based on the inside of the human body:

Iman: "I want you to make my heart skip a beat."

Not there, you don't. They'll pump you full of plastic and put you on display faster than you can say, "I'm not dead yet; I always look like rigor mortis has set in."

Obviously, we have to hear from Mike, telling us how this challenge is perfect for him and he's going to be so great. What could possibly go wrong?

The designers look around the exhibition:

David: "There is nothing sexier than a woman with no skin! I am so turned on right now."

Yeah, I'm just going into another room for a while. Let me know when it's safe to come back.

[a few minutes later]

OK? They're at the fabric store now? Good.

Calvin has a plan:

Calvin: "You want cohesive? I'm going to give you cohesive like you've never seen before. I'm going to cohesive the shit out of this collection."

Back in the workroom, Calvin is still trying to explain his vision:

Calvin: "Let me start at the beginning. OK, so about fourteen billion years ago there was this huge explosion and then the universe started expanding . . ."

Cindy: "Calvin, we don't have time for this."

After some more yelling Isaac comes in and tells them he's ready to see their story boards.

Isaac loves what he's seeing from House of Nami, especially the amazing ideas coming from Mike. I can hardly wait to see those ideas realized.

Isaac tells House of Emerald Syx that their name is really stupid and they should change it to House of Emerald, which is still stupid but slightly more appropriate:

Isaac: "The name change is a big improvement. Unfortunately, you still suck."

House of Emerald picks Jeffrey as the team leader, because he has the highly-desired quality of not being Calvin.

Isaac comes back and tells the designers he's given this a lot of thought and he's decided the challenge needs a twist. Each look will need to have one piece that is reversible.

Mike is losing it. He hasn't done anything. He complains that nobody is helping him but he hasn't asked for help and says he wouldn't accept any help even if anyone offered. He cuts up his dress and then walks out.

Tim Gunn: "Designers, I have an announcement. Mike will not be coming back."

Isaac: "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?!"

Tim Gunn: "Well, you weren't making the announcement, so I had to do it."

The other designers are completely shocked and upset:

Cesar: "Good riddance."

Rolando: "Schmuck is the funniest word I've ever heard in my life!"

Well, alright, so maybe the other designers will get over the loss.

On to the fashion show. The guest judge is Douglas Friedman, who has had an extensive career photographing Rachel Zoe. Show coordinator Stefan, who, by the way, is a huge star now and gets his own Ford commercials, makes fun of House of Emerald:

Stefan: "So, House of Cubic Zirconia, let me see if I understand this: three members of your team wanted the gauzy veils and two members didn't, so you dropped the idea? You make me sick."

House of Emerald looks like a collection . . . of bridesmaid's dresses. Seriously, it's mostly a bunch of red satin dresses with matching jackets! Awful (with two exceptions):

Cindy - She made an ugly dress with a bolero that looks slightly uglier when you turn it inside-out.
Jeffrey - He made a nice dress with really unusual pleating at the ribcage and a fold-down neckline, which is more "adjustable" than "reversible."
Tamara - She also made an ugly dress with another pointlessly "reversible" jacket that looks almost exactly the same inside-out.
Calvin - He made a jacket that folds into a bag and a skirt that becomes a cape. I loved all of it and it was an audience favorite, but it was more "adaptable" than "reversible" and, while the ideas were great, they weren't really appropriate for what looked like an evening gown. Clothes that can transition from day to evening are useful. But a formal gown with a removable skirt and a backpack just doesn't make sense.
Golnessa - She made a nice red dress with an attached scarf that can be thrown over the shoulder. That scarf is in no way reversible.

During the commercial break, David gives an impromptu concert on his mouth organ. If you know what I mean.

House of Nami has a better color story. They use pinks and salmons and layered chiffon to represent human musculature. Stefan yells at House of Nami to stop touching the models:

David: "But I love touching women! They're so sexy!"

David - He made a dress that he thinks looks like a vagina. It's kind of ugly.

David: "You just don't love vaginas as much as I do."

Well, that may be, but that was just not a great outfit.

Dominique - She made a salmon-colored dress with a long chiffon vest that supposedly reverses to reveal a vein pattern [gag], but the model doesn't put the vest back on so we don't see it reversed.
Rolando - He made a chiffon dress with a puffy chiffon thing that he calls a jacket but obviously isn't. I guess it's a stole. it looks inspired by the body but I don't think reversing it makes any difference.
Eduardo - He made a dress with a reversible skirt. The filming seems to be done specifically to prevent us from seeing what the garments look like. The model reversed the skirt but I can't tell if there was any difference. This is another crowd favorite.
Cesar - He made a pretty cool fringed dress that looks inspired by the exhibition. The reversible jacket might be puffier in back when it's reversed, but who knows? We didn't get to see the back of it before it was turned inside-out.
Nami's sixth look is a nice, kind of choppy layered chiffon dress with a scarf that doesn't seem to reverse to anything. I don't know why they assumed they had to have a sixth look. Whatever.

House of Nami wins and Eduardo wins an additional hour of work time in the next challenge.

House of Emerald is the losing team. Calvin and Jeffrey had really good looks, but Calvin couldn't work with the team and Jeffrey, as team leader, failed to magically make Calvin a more pleasant person to work with.

The judges complain about Cindy's weird, awful pleating. They also scold Tamara for listening to her teammates, who forced her to add some stupid pleats to her dress. I don't know what she was supposed to do:

Laura Brown: "You should compromise without compromising."

Oh, Laura, after a promising start last week, you've let me down.

Iman: "Did you think of telling your team that you didn't want to add the pleating?"

Tamara: "Oh, I never thought of that. What a brilliant suggestion."

Iman: "YOU'RE WELCOME!"

Calvin says he's not arguing any more:

Isaac: "That sounds like a threat."

Calvin: "No no no no NOOOOOO. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm completed."

Iman: "Calvin, you are a total dictator. And I'm being polite so I added the 'tator.'"

Iman says calvin could be the most talented designer there but nobody can stand to work with him. They punish the winning team by forcing them to take Calvin. Then they give House of Nami one minute to decide which member of the team will go to Emerald. I knew it would be Cesar. I knew he would feel protective of his team and think he needed to take the bullet. But the reality is the rest of his team now has to deal with Calvin. They're screwed.

David has a confession:

David: "I've never actually seen a vagina."

The Fashion Show, Season Two, The Ultimatum, Premiere!

Isaac Mizrahi: "OK, people, here's the ultimatum: watch this show or I will make another appearance on Gossip Girl!"

Well, I definitely don't want to watch another episode of Gossip Girl, but I will say that Isaac was better on that show than Tim Gunn.

Isaac: "I like you. You can stay."

Thank you.

Isaac: "Anyway, welcome to the show! We had to change some things because we found out there was this other fashion competition show over on Lifetime Television and it sounded really similar to ours. Yeah, they totally ripped us off! Shocking, right? It's just like that time I invented Eskimo clothes and then the idea was totally stolen by all these people living up near the North Pole!"

You mean Eskimos?

Isaac: "Yeah, my idea for Eskimo clothes was stolen by the Eskimos! I couldn't believe it! So I had to redesign my entire collection! And that's exactly what I had to do to this show. I've made everything 25% better. The first supersized episode is 25% longer, the prize is 25% bigger than that other fashion show, and my co-host is 25% taller than last season!

Iman: "Oh, honey, 25% better doesn't even begin to describe me. I AM fashion! I started modeling for Charles Worth in 1858 and I've worked with every fashion designer since then."

Wow. You look fantastic!

Iman: "Yes, I know. And buy my new perfume! It's called Steel Vagina! It stinks so good!"

You've got to love her.

Let's meet the designtestants:

Jeffrey mixes men's and women's clothing.

Cindy got into fashion because her mother made her wear ugly dresses.

Calvin says he turns into a bitch at 3:00. Gee, and here it is only 2:30.

Cesar is getting back into the business.

Dominique is 21 and seems constantly amazed by this fact.

Rolando tries to blend in.

Francine thinks she has a really good chance of winning.

Tamara grew up in the projects.

Eduardo's work is up here and the other designers' work is down here.

Mike has been to a fashion show before, so watch out.

David enjoys pretending to be playful.

Golnessa wants to be famous.

Now, for the question on everyone's mind: Which designer will immediately have to tell us he's heterosexual?

David: "Oh, that's me!"

Interesting. That would not have been my first guess. I thought it would be Mike.

David: "Yeah, people often think I'm gay, but after I tell them several hundred times that I'm straight, they eventually say, 'Fine, whatever, can you please shut up about it already?'"

The season starts with a surprise fashion show, which is a refreshing idea:

Isaac: "BAM! We give you fashion 25% sooner than other shows!"

Most of the clothes are not terribly exciting. I kind of like Jeffrey's weird unisex hippie outfit. And David's weird outfit also intrigues me:

David: "I work really hard to appear quirky and childish. So my idea is to make clothes that would be worn by indigenous space people who are influenced by space colonization but they adapt the clothes to look like the 1980s because it takes a long time for our television shows to get there. Kind of like Canada."

James-Paul Ancheta: "That idea sounds very familiar!"

So, the only problem with this first fashion show is that there didn't seem to be any point to it. There was no audience, the judges didn't see it, and there were no consequences. The designers were able to see the work of their competitors and we, the viewers, were introduced to their work. But I was still disappointed that it wasn't part of the competition. Maybe the judges could have picked their two favorites and those two designers could have selected their teammates?

After the runway, Iman comes out and does her thing:

Iman: "I am a god! Worship me!"

We pray to the immortal and all-powerful Iman, goddess of fashion. Then we listen to her divine wisdom:

Iman: "Designers do not work alone. Dior, Chanel, Cavalli - they all worked together to make one collection."

No, I don't think that's right.

Iman: "DO NOT QUESTION IMAN!"

Sorry. So the designers are split into two fashion houses, where they will create cohesive collections every week:

Calvin: "Here go hell come stay now."

You can say that again.

The designers go to the workroom and name their fashion houses:

The blue team picks the name House of Nami, which is Iman spelled backward. It's a perfectly nice-sounding name, but it's not very meaningful. Iman means "faith," so their name is "faith" backward? The opposite of faith? Maybe not the best message.

The green team wants a name based on the fact that there are six members of the team. Calvin rightly points out that the name won't make much sense once designers start being eliminated. The rest of his team tells him he just needs to have iman (faith) that none of them will ever be eliminated. They finally settle on the name House of the River Styx.

Mike talks about Iman's journey from a tribal way of life to living in the modern world:

Mike: "She went from living in a shack, hunting lions for food, and making necklaces out of shrunken human heads to living in the modern Western world."

Iman: "What the hell are you talking about? I had a privileged life growing up in the city. My father was the Somali ambassador to Saudi Arabia, dumb-ass."

The teams get to work. Mike thinks he's a visionary for making a noose dress. Calvin's dress can be used for cleaning your house. Eduardo doesn't have the budget for feathers so he's making his own feathers except he doesn't know how to make feathers so Cesar is making them. Golnessa and Cindy knew each other before coming on the show. Francine is freaking out about making her stupid ruffles and Calvin is helping her and Francine is just complaining about it. Then they prepare for the fashion show.

Calvin and Francine get into a huge fight right before the show:

Francine: "Excuse me? Don't even give me that attitude!"

Calvin: "J'accuse! J'accuse!"

Francine: "You can't even speak French very well!"

As usual, I have no idea what that fight was about.

House of the River Styx has a cool show with the models draped in fabric and revealed one by one:

Tamara - horrible yellow dress that's way too tight and has way too much going on.

Jeffrey - cute dress with a print jacket but the model forgot to take off the jacket on the runway, so the judges don't see the dress.

Cindy - great purple jumpsuit with a weird back.

Francine - awful little dress with crap stuck on to the front.

Golnessa - beautiful navy dress with stupid crap stuck on the shoulder.

Calvin - long yellow dress that actually isn't hideous from the front but is really tacky from the back.

House of Nami just has graphics on the screen behind the runway and sends down an (almost) all-white collection:

Mike - changed his noose dress so it just has the heavy braids stuck on the back.

David - it's nice but the jacket was flaring out like wings as the model went down the runway.

Dominique - fantastic little dress, fitted with a waistband in front and loose and flowing in the back. This was my favorite piece but maybe it was a little young for Iman.

Eduardo - kind of a silly cocktail dress. It does not look inspired by Iman. I'm not impressed.

Rolando - weird mini-skirt/floor-length gown. I don't like it, but it looks like the kind of mess Iman or Heidi Klum would actually wear.

Cesar - print gown with crap stuck on the shoulder. I'm just not a big fan of this type of dress, but it's well done, and again, it looks like something Iman would actually wear.

The judges are Iman, Isaac, Laura Brown from Harper's Bazaar, and guest judge Rachel Roy, looking stunning in a gorgeous yellow dress (and ugly orange shoes!).

House of Nami wins! Good call. Isaac says the designs looked like they came from one designer but I thought the only thing they had in common was that they were white. Then Isaac mentions Eduardo's Grecian drapery and I realize he must have seen a completely different show than I did. Cesar wins.

House of the River Styx is the losing team. Francine and Calvin are the bottom two:

Francine - I feel like her dress would have been praised on Project Runway and possibly won the cover of Marie Claire. So I am very pleased to hear the judges say how cheap it looks. Laura Brown, who I now love, says she hates just having crap stuck on to the front of a dress. Bless you, Laura! I've been railing against that for years!

Calvin rambles about passing wind and screwing his dress and then argues with Iman about tomatoes:

Iman: "DO NOT ARGUE WITH IMAN ABOUT TOMATOES!"

Calvin: "No no no no no No no, NO no no no no no no no NO!"

Isaac: "I'm sorry, Calvin, but the correct answer is Yes."

Isaac says Calvin's dress looks inexpensive but Iman disagrees and says it looks cheap.

We don't get to witness the judges deliberate, for some reason. Francine is out. She thinks her dress wasn't considered high fashion because she didn't have ENOUGH crap hanging off of it. Yikes! Iman delivers the show's new tagline:

Iman: "This new tagline is 25% better than the previous one. Ready? OK. Here it is: This is The Fashion Show and you are out of fashion."

You're right; that is exactly 25% better.

The Fashion Show Finale Part Two: I watched the entire season of The Fashion Show and all I got was this stupid Bravo T-shirt!

Actually, I didn't even get a T-shirt. What was up with the T-shirt-free reunion episode?

Andy Cohen: "Unfortunately, there was no bromance this season so we couldn't think of anything to put on a T-shirt."

That's understandable. Another problem I noticed while watching the repeat of the first half of the finale is that we were supposed to vote for James-Paul by texting his name without the hyphen! I think that put him at a disadvantage. This election is totally rigged! I'm taking to the streets! Who's with me? Nobody? OK, never mind. I voted for James-Paul thirty times at 99 cents per vote and they didn't count! How much is that?

Isaac: "That's like a thousand dollars!"

Thank you, Isaac. See? I wasted like a thousand dollars and James-Paul is going to lose now. OK. I'm lying. I didn't vote at all because I'm too lazy.

We start the reunion with Angel showing off her totally cute shirt dress and the Panty Christ telling us how his underwear is going through the roof:

Isaac: "How's your underwear?"

Panty Christ: "Exploding!"

Hee hee. Isaac said "underwear."

The Panty Christ then argues that he shouldn't have been eliminated and the judges politely remind him that his dress majorly sucked and he's a psycho for questioning their decision.

Daniella, Anna, and James-Paul come out.

Kelly: "Anna . . . I mean one of you will win a $125,000 and have your clothes sold at BravoTV.com. Either Daniella or James-Paul . . . I mean one of the finalists will win the judges'-choice prize of $10,000. This is so exciting! Other than the fact that Anna is obviously going to win, anything could happen!"

We get a recap of Reco. Apparently the viewers were very upset by his elimination. There were even accusations of racism:

President Barack Obama: "First, I have to admit that Reco is a very dear friend of mine so I might not be completely objective. And I also don't know all the facts of the case. But I think it is safe to say that the judges acted stupidly. There are several things we can all agree on: First, any one of us would be angry if this happened to us. Second, Reco was obviously the best designer on the show. And third, there is a sad history in this country of African American contestants being voted off of reality competition shows disproportionately. That's just a fact."

Well, you can't argue with facts.

Isaac: "We have a stupid question from a viewer."

Viewer: "Were the judges all sharing the same crack pipe?"

Fern: "Whatever we were smoking, it was obviously some good shit because we made the right decision, dumb-ass."

After an insufficient review of what the designers wore during the season, we get a recap of Daniella.

Isaac: "We have another question from a viewer:

Lulu: "Daniella, I think the sun shines out of your ass. Why does everyone else think you are a total bitch?"

Daniella: "How the hell should I know? They're probably just jealous because I'm young and I know what young people like."

OK, on to the decoy lines:

Daniella: "Oh, and everyone else is old and they just don't get it."

Anyway, this is the first I've seen of the decoy lines because I like to be surprised. And I'm glad I didn't look at them earlier because I think I would have been able to tell right away that these were not created as serious contenders. I don't know if they had the same amount of money and time, but both collections look cheap and rushed.

Merlin created a ridiculous collection of drag queen dresses. Some of the costumes were cool and interesting but there was not a single thing any woman would ever wear. And since that was the point of the show, it was pretty clear that this was a big F.U. collection that was not meant to be judged by anyone.

Johnny's collection was just lazy. It looked like no effort went into it. But, other than the fact that everything was way too short, I guess most of it was wearable and a few pieces were even cute-ish. I guess it's possible Johnny could have created this as a real collection. It pretty much represents his attitude of not caring about anything.

Another question from a viewer:

Alison: "Johnny, are you finally willing to admit you knocked off that dress?"

Johnny: "I've been explaining for weeks that the similarities were just a coincidence. I was influenced by the dress and then it just ended up being closer than I intended. OK, fine, I admit it! It was a knock off! I did it! I'll tell you anything you want to hear! Just make Alison stop grilling me! I can't take it anymore!"

Wow. That was like an episode of Law and Order.

Then we get a recap of Anna and a question from a viewer:

Lou: "Anna, why did you call yourself the dark horse?"

Anna: "Well, I was a little older than some of the designers so I was lacking some confidence in my abilities."

Daniella: "Yeah, she's old."

Kristin: "Really, really old. Like, probably over thirty."

Isaac: "Who loves short shorts?"

Haven: "I love short shorts!"

Isaac asks Kristin why she left the show:

Kristin: "I made the right decision. But I wish I'd stayed."

Isaac: "So you regret leaving the show?"

Kristin: "I regret that I didn't stay. But I don't regret my decision to leave."

Isaac: "That makes no sense."

Kristin: "I don't think quitting says anything about the quality of my designs."

Isaac: "No, it just says you can't handle the pressure of actually being a designer."

Kristin: "You know what? I don't have to take this shit. I'm leaving."

Next, the designers talk about each other. Haven calls Merlin a big old can of crazy and Johnny unsuccessfully tries out the phrase "hot ghetto mess." Then there is a vote on whether "church hat" is better than "Sears secretary." Don't ask.

Isaac is haunted by Jonny being eliminated first:

Isaac: "It's awful! I can't get over the memory of that terrible day. I can't sleep at night. I've turned to drugs and loose women just to try and cope."

Jonny: "Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry!"

Isaac: "It's not your fault. Don't worry about me. I'm sure I'll be fine."

Finally, we get a James-Paul recap and a viewer asks a question:

Viewer: "Was that S&M gear?"

Judy Bernly: "That's right. I'm into all of it. I enjoy sex games and doing the M&Ms."

James-Paul: "Well, everyone knows that the best S&M gear comes from Pakistan."

Isaac: "Of course."

Then we get a funny piece called "Lost in translation," which mocked Merlin for having a funny accent. The funniest part was Kelly translating for Isaac.

Merlin: "Isaac told us he wanted us to blow him."

Isaac: "Actually, I said I wanted you to blow my mind."

Merlin: "That's what I said."

We learn that James-Paul's dress from the first challenge sold the best on BravoTV.com:

Isaac: "I'm surprised. I was sure it would be Johnny's Versace-inspired piece. I thought Bravo viewers would love that slutty dress."

The judges pick Daniella to win the $10,000. That was the only surprise of the episode for me. I really thought the judges were going to pick James-Paul.

Then, instead of just telling us who won, they decide to completely humiliate James-Paul by announcing that he only got 19 percent of the vote. Ouch. There's an important lesson to be learned here: my vote really wouldn't have made a difference.

Anyway, Anna wins with 56 percent of the vote. I knew she was going to win by a landslide. Well, that means Daniella only got 25 percent. That makes James-Paul's 19 percent look a little more respectable. James-Paul's was my personal favorite but I also loved Anna's collection. Congratulations, Anna!

Daniella: "I'm happy for her. Now she can afford to retire."

Kristin: "Yeah, because she's super old."

Thanks for reading, everyone! Tune in next month for Project Runway recaps!

The Fashion Show Finale Part One: This show could have used a wise Latina judge!

Kelly has a fashion tip for you: Apparently you should have some pants and white shirts and cashmere sweaters and pretty dresses. Now you have a wardrobe. You're welcome.

Kelly: "We started the season with fifteen designers. There were some amazing successes, like the time Anna created a garment that didn't completely suck. And there have been some huge failures, like the time Reco made that flaming dress that gave his model third-degree burns. Now we are down to four designers and it is completely in the hands of you, the viewers, to decide the winner. Oh, after we make one more elimination. Then it will be completely up to you. Except that we don't actually count the votes from the viewers. That would be a total pain in the ass. You won't know the difference."

Let's welcome our final four: Kenley, Kayne, Leanne, and Christian:

Kenley: "Making it to the final is so amazing. Especially for someone like me. Who grew up on a tugboat."

Christian: "This show is a hot tranny mess."

OK, so the real final four are: Daniella, Anna, Reco, and James-Paul:

Anna was inspired by a Bosch painting. You know, the ones with people being eaten by horrible monsters in hell. Oh, she's not doing the hell pictures? She doing The Garden of Earthly Delights? The painting about people enjoying all the sinful pleasures that will send them to hell? Very upbeat.

James-Paul was inspired by Australian aborigines dressed as cowboys. Or something like that.

Daniella was inspired by armor.

Reco was inspired by Aztec prostitutes.

Isaac: "In a few days you'll be presenting your looks at the biggest fashion show of your lives. And I don't just mean your lives so far. I mean this will be the highlight of your careers."

Wow, that was brutally honest.

Isaac: "We've invited the biggest names in the fashion industry! Unfortunately, they couldn't make it. But we did invite them."

We learn that one designer will be eliminated after the show so that the viewers only get to vote on three of the collections.

The models come in for the fittings. Daniella's models are too skinny and Reco's models are all too big for his stupid wedding dress. Why don't they trade models?

Daniella: "I prefer models to be skinny enough to make my tight clothes look baggy and terrible."

The designers are frantically making final preparations for the runway:

Daniella: "Has anyone seen Elizabeth?"

Some Gay Hairstylist: "Uh, you'll have to be more specific. All hair and makeup people are named Elizabeth. It's the law. Would you hand me the Tresemme Shine Spray, Elizabeth? Thanks."

Daniella: "Well, someone tell Elizabeth I requesting Soft Robot and instead I got Sexy Cat. What's wrong with you people? Since when does a soft robot look like a cat?"

Never. A soft robot has never looked like a cat. Elizabeth should know that.

Time for the show:

Daniella: "My collection is so soft robot. I had to live in a bathroom. I wrote this song."

Daniella's collection was mostly black and cream, with a lot of leather and tight pants. I liked the chain-mail pieces a lot. The shoulder details really tied the looks together. I thought it was a good collection but I wasn't blown away.

Reco: "Tonight I introduce you to the high priestess of the Aztec Empire. My collection is so new. At least it seems that way to me because I haven't really been paying attention."

Reco's collection had a nice jacket. Seriously, that's the only thing I liked. He's an amazing craftsman but his designs are really dated. He thinks he's creating things nobody has seen before but that just demonstrates that he really needs to spend more time studying fashion history and looking at what other designers are doing. Because almost nothing in that collection was new or interesting. But, like I said, he makes beautifully crafted garments. I think he could have a pretty good career making one-off pieces for performers and beauty pageants.

Anna: "I'd like to thank my mother, Laura Bush."

Anna's collection used a lot of details from the season. Probably too many. Oh, and some details from Leanne's final collection. Anyway, I loved almost every piece. It wasn't as cohesive a collection as some of the others but I don't care. It's better than collections that are too cohesive because they are all black or all variations of the same dress.

James-Paul: "I was really inspired by indigenous people wearing Western clothes. It's futuristic because indigenous people are wearing what Western people wear but in a different way. Like they could wear a pair of pants as a hat."

Seriously, I think I understand what he means but he's saying it in the most convoluted way. I think what he means is that he's being inspired by the clothes of non-Western cultures that have been influenced by colonialism. So it's an influence of an influence. I like the concept better now that I've explained it to myself.

James-Paul's collection was all black and grey. His color palette is so boring. But I loved the collection. I don't think he was cut out for this show at all. I think he would have done better on Project Runway, where the designers can be a little more experimental. He just couldn't figure out what do for the challenges on this show. But, even though I thought he should have been eliminated several times during the season, his was the collection I was most looking forward to seeing. I wasn't disappointed. The ironic thing is that during the season, when he was supposed to be working on specific challenges for real women, he just produced art pieces that nobody could wear. But now that he had a full collection where he had the freedom to do anything he wanted to do, he created some really wearable pieces that would look good on many different body types. For example, his collection had the only pieces of the entire season that Fern Mallis would wear. That's a real woman.

The judges say that Anna's collection wasn't cohesive. They say that Daniella's models were too skinny. They say that Reco didn't do enough and yet he also needs to simplify. They say that James-Paul needs an instruction card to explain what the hell he's talking about.

Isaac: "We have a very difficult decision to make. Oh, who am I kidding? This is an easy decision."

Reco is out.

I am completely shocked . . . that the judges actually made the right decision. That's really not like them at all.

The Fashion Show episode ten: Blood, Sweat, and Beadazzling!

Isaac Mizrahi has a fashion tip for you:

Isaac: "Fashion is all about quality, not quantity. Instead of spending money on ten cheap sweaters, it's better to buy one high quality sweater from Target. You'll be happy you spent the extra money."

Thanks, Isaac.

Isaac: "I'm all about quality. And speaking of quality, did you catch the fabulous Kelly Rowland on So You Think You Can Dance?"

I sure did! My ears are still bleeding!

Anyway, we start this episode with James Paul crying again:

James-Paul: "Nobody understands me, life is so hard, boo fucking hoo."

Oh, get a grip.

Are you ready for the best mini challenge ever? Actually, it's the best challenge, period! The designers have to drape a dress using two yards of uncut silk and 12 pins to hold it to the dress form. That's Fun with a capital F! In fact I'm going to go ahead and capitalize the U and the N, too! FUN!

I think all five designers did a good job. Obviously Johnny screwed up by making his too short--not even Paris Hilton would wear a dress that only went down to her belly-button piercing--but the result was still interesting. The critiques were all appropriate: Reco's looked dated, James-Paul's was really nice but a little too simple, and Johnny's was more about twisting the fabric than draping it.

Anna's and Daniella's were the favorites. I was particularly impressed with Anna's. Daniella wins because it is youthful:

Daniella: "I am so glad you noticed that it is youthful! I don't know if I've mentioned it before but I'm young and I know what young people like."

Yeah, we know.

Daniella: "Also, you're old and you just don't get it."

Yeah, we know.

One surprise is that this challenge turned James-Paul into a real ladies' man:

James-Paul: "This silk is like a gentlewoman. You have to treat it carefully and whisper softly in its ear and if some rogue should besmirch its honor, you have to challenge the cad to a duel."

I'm sure all the gentlewomen in the audience are dropping their panties right about now.

For the elimination challenge, the designers have to create evening gowns with Swarovsky crystals. Are you picturing beautiful beaded gowns like I am? Because that's not what we're getting. We're getting gowns with a couple of crystals Bedazzled on to them.

James-Paul explains that crystals are like a gentlewoman:

James-Paul: "You have to treat them carefully because they can be fickle creatures. You can read all about my theories in my new book How to handle fabric and gentlewomen."

Five of the eliminated designers return for no reason. Merlin makes the grandest entrance. Apparently it's 1975 and he's starring in a new Blaxsploitation film:

Merlin: "Where my bitch at!"

Shut yo mouth!

Daniella chooses to work with Haven.

Anna chooses to work with Keith.

James-Paul chooses to work with Merlin.

Reco chooses to work with Andrew.

And Johnny gets Angel.

Johnny: "I did not choose to work with Angel. She's the last person on earth I would choose to work with. I would rather work with Kim Jong Il. I bet Kim Jong Il wouldn't try to sabotage my career by intentionally not stopping me from making a knock-off."

I thought the designers would be getting help so they could do a lot of intricate bead work but it turns out the other designers are just there to sit around and read magazines.

Johnny made a greenish chiffon leopard-print dress that was "inspired" by the Lanvin dress worn by Maggie Gyllenhaal:

Johnny: "I really liked that dress. So I made that dress. That makes sense, right?"

James-Paul made a black velvet dress with gold at the bottom. I thought it was kind of pretty except for the fact that it was really stiff. The more I look at it the less I like it.

Anna made a pretty floral dress with a big bow on the shoulder. I'm not a big fan of prints on the red carpet and I hate big bows on the shoulder of a dress but I liked this dress and I loved the idea of having the crystals partially hidden in the lining of the bow.

Daniella made a sophisticated grey dress with crystals wrapped around the neck. The judges say they can see Kate Blanchett wearing it (or maybe they said Kate Winslet). The problem is I feel like I've already seen Kate Blanchett wearing it. Seriously, I'm sure it's not as much of a copy as Johnny's but it doesn't seem completely original, either.

Reco made an awful pink and purple piece of crap. I'm having trouble finding words to describe how much I hate his dress. Well, I'll put this the only way I know how: his dress makes me want to punch Daniel Franco in the nuts. (Love you, Daniel!)

The guest judge is the editor in chief of Harper's and she is even more annoying than the regular Harper's lady. First she complains about James-Paul's:

Even More Annoying Harper's Lady: "His dress reminds me of Gone With the Wind, when Scarlett makes a dress out the curtains."

Yeah, both dresses are velvet. And I guess she thinks the fine gold chain looks like the big gold curtain cord. Give me a break. They look nothing alike. Then she complains about Johnny being inspired by Lanvin:

Even More Annoying Harper's Lady: "What if Johnny is inspired by another designer in the future?"

Yeah, that would be terrible.

Anyway, Daniella wins and Johnny is out.

Next week James-Paul finally gets a haircut and Reco takes a bride. Could it be Daniella in that big white dress?

The Fashion Show episodes eight and nine: Double the Eric Three Thousand for the same low price!

Sorry about my absence but I've been hiking the Appalachian Trail. What! I just really, really enjoy hiking, OK?! Why is everyone making such a big deal about it?! Jeez!

We started last week's episode with Reco and Daniella fighting:

Reco: "But Daniella, wherever shall I go, whatever shall I do?"

Daniella: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Wow, the sexual tension between those two is really getting out of control.

For the mini-challenge Isaac explains the importance of history:

Isaac: "It is really important for a fashion designer to understand history. First, there was a big explosion, then the dinosaurs died, and then you weren't allowed to wear white shoes after Labor Day. I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson."

We are introduced to a bunch of dead fashion designers, who will be the subject of a fashion history quiz.

Quick confession: I have a BA in fashion design and I've taken fashion history courses and I have no idea who Madame Gres is. Embarrassing!

Anna wins the quiz because she got the easiest questions. Seriously, "Who is famous for introducing the little black dress: Prince Charles, Chanel, or Isaac Mizrahi for Target?" Duh.

Well, it doesn't matter because she wins another horrible prize. She gets to pair up the other designers with one of the dead fashion icons. So she'll either pair them up with appropriate icons or she'll be blamed for intentionally making bad matches in order to screw up another designer. Either way, she loses.

Isaac tells the designers to meet him at the runway, where he has a big announcement:

Isaac: "As a special treat, we have brought these fashion icons back from the dead! But you have to work with them really quickly because they can only be brought back to life for sixty seconds; after that, another living designer will have to die in order to restore equilibrium to the universe. It's just like that documentary series 'Pushing Daisies.' And, no, 'can we keep Dior and let Isaac die?' is not an available option."

Anna picks Chanel for herself.

Haven is paired with Yves Saint Laurent.

Daniella is paired with Christian Dior.

Johnny is paired with Versace.

Merlin is paired with Madame Gres.

James-Paul is paired with Pucci.

Reco is paired with Halston.

Isaac sends the designers on their way with one more insightful comment:

Isaac: "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to hang by a thread."

Kelly: "Who writes this shit?"

Isaac and Kelly make their annoying rounds:

Haven: "I thought I knew what I was doing but I'm really starting to second-guess myself."

Kelly: "Haven, it sounds like you are starting to second-guess yourself."

Haven: "Um, yeah, I just said that."

Kelly: "Well, I'm glad I could help."

In the fashion show, Johnny wins with a perfectly fine but not terribly interesting homage to Versace and Daniella comes in second with a very cute Dior-inspired Jacket paired with a slim pant. Daniella should have won.

Reco and Haven are the bottom two. Haven's wasn't very good; the pant fit badly and it was pretty boring. The judges hated the color but if it had fit better I think it would have been fine. Reco's, on the other hand, was just awful. It had a corset and a full skirt and, as everyone pointed out, it looked like a costume from Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament. Reco didn't know anything about Halston but you really don't need to know much about Halston to know that it isn't that. Besides, he got to see a Halston in the mini-challenge. And, on top of that, he was collaborating with the reanimated corpse of Halston. So there really was no excuse for that mess. It's obvious who should be going home, right?

Isaac: "Well, if Reco had just gotten rid of the corset and changed the neckline and removed the darts and changed the sleeves and basically made a completely different dress, I think his design would have been okay."

Obviously, they can't get rid of Reco, no matter how badly he screws up. Sorry, Haven. You didn't deserve to be out this time (although you have deserved to be out in the past).

We start the next episode with a delivery from Isaac. He sent the designers robes, obviously hoping that Merlin would stop walking around the apartment in his underwear:

Merlin: "Great, now I don't have to wear underwear!"

The designers meet Isaac in the design room:

Isaac: "Oh, my god! There are six of you left! Last week there were seven and then one person went home and now there are six of you. Seven minus one equals six. I don't want to give too much away but if another person leaves this week I think next week there may only be five of you! If that turns out to be the case, you can be sure I will make a major announcement about it."

The designers have to make lounging outfits to go with the Fernando Sanchez robes, which are sold at Sacks.

Daniella tells Laura, the annoying Harper's lady, that she likes sleeping in jumpsuits:

Laura: "Well, then, I will never sleep with you."

Daniella: "Good."

Laura: "Seriously, we have nothing in common. This just isn't going to work out between us."

Daniella: "I wasn't asking you to sleep with me, you freak!"

Laura: "If you lose the jumpsuit, I might reconsider."

Daniella: "Stay away from me!"

Anna wins the mini challenge again. I think her outfit will be sold at Sacks.

Isaac tells the designers to go down to 29th Street:

Isaac: "Kelly and I always come down here for our weekly lobotomies, I mean psychic readings. I always get those confused. Psychic readings are almost as important in the fashion industry as bungee jumping. Why do you think Nancy Reagan always looked so fabulous? Of course the bungee jumping helped but mostly it was the psychic readings."

The designers get their readings:

Johnny will be traveling.

Reco needs to let go of constraints (in other words, stop using corsets).

Daniella will meet a tall, dark stranger.

James-Paul, I'm sensing someone with a name starting with B. Maybe Bob or Bernice? Does the letter B mean anything to you?

Anna will experience a change at the workplace.

Merlin will also be traveling. Really soon.

The designers have to create a look based on their readings:

Merlin made a cute outfit that was supposed to be a sweatsuit for traveling. The pants are silly but the top and the coat are really nice. The judges think it looks like something they would dig out from the bottom of a clearance bin. They also say it simultaneously is too boring and has too much going on. I would agree it's not the most innovative look but that has never really been an important factor in the judging before so I don't know what their problem is this week.

Reco made another hot suit. It looks really good. It had nothing to do with his psychic reading, however, so he doesn't win.

Anna made a cute dress covered in vaginas because vaginas relate to nature and make her happy. The judges love it.

Daniella made an ugly print skirt and a transparent top.

James-Paul made a weird grey dress that was the opposite of his psychic reading. I actually didn't mind the bustle thing in the back but the whole dress was really unflattering, as usual. The fit across the bust was terrible. He says it's not his fault because his clothes only look good on perfect people and his model is horribly deformed. Time for him to go home.

Johnny made a green skirt with what looks like a cage over it. I don't understand it but it does make me smile so I'll give him a pass this week.

Before the judging, Merlin has a rant about Johnny being happy making ping-pong dresses and everyone just stares at him in wide-eyed amazement because they don't have a clue what he's talking about.

Reco and Anna are the top two and Anna wins because her vagina dress related to her psychic reading.

Merlin and James-Paul are the bottom two and Merlin is out because the judges are insane.

Isaac: "This week we started with six designers and one went home so next week there will be five designers. Oh, my god! Five designers! That's one less than six! Holy crap!"